Reconciling the Plateau

I saw a woman today. Very neat, in fact well presented but ageing. Probably in her 60's she looked great but ageing. And for a minute I felt great until I thought how I will be when I'm looking that age. And am that age.
I went through a few years of real grief and horror actually around the ageing process. It was during the hormonal changes as well which I never know whether to say when I was menopausal or am I in menopause now coz it's all over bar the singing. Who knows? Anyway during that time the ageing situation seemed horrendous. And then I read something like this above which was posted  by my Auntie whose daughter died just over a year ago aged just 42 years of age. Another one who died around her birthday. I do see a general pattern to this. My dad died 18 days before his birthday. My mum died a month after her birthday. My Nana died just after her birthday in March 1973. And so on.
Anyhow I an gloat about older woman and then remember that I will get there. And actually I love what this little Buddhist script says. Be grateful for getting older as it's a privilege not afforded to everyone. Some people die so young. My mum was young really, compared with life expectancy these days. My dad was nearly 85 yrs of age. I feel sad at moments but mainly I feel so much anger and am glad he's dead. The loss I feel is for the inheritance I didn't get. Am I really surprised? No, not at all. He didn't like me, had little respect for me. And in some moments I think that's what I deserved because I have been in my using a complete idiot. Thank goodness for the programme of recovery because I have a chance of not dying in the mess my dad has died in - so much hurt and resentment. It's all with me but it's related to him.

Anyway I can't be bothered to write anymore about this tonight. I'm tired ft if, tired of me and tired after a busy day. I am having increasing thoughts of being tired of living.
Imagine if my legacy was this Blog. There would be a few surprised people. I must leave notice somewhere of it. The truth may be best kept to myself. Or maybe someone like JB would make use of this to write a story. I think I will leave the Blog to him. Even the bits about him. I wouldn't want him to be hurt though as JB is truly a nice man. Infuriating but truly a kind heart.

Which is more than I can feel for G right now. He's keeping a sort of text contact but yesterday said he didn't want to talk long. He said the novelty has worn off and we know each other now. I am lead to wonder then if he needs that thrill and starting a novelty somewhere else. I am very untrusting. But something tells me that something has radically changed in recent days. One minute we were talking fine and the next a real mood and withdrawal. I am withdrawing too feeling unsafe. I think we are actually destroying anything that's been good and that truly saddens me. It's then that my heart longs and hurts. And yet he's manner can be cutting and nasty. His moods are tiresome. He's deceitfulness leaves me feeling suspicious. Understandably then that M might be suspicious of me. If I can lie about one thing to someone I am capable of it anywhere. And I think the same about G. He is deceitful with D. She suspects and of course so do I. He told me anyway that I am told what I need to know.
That's no way for me to relate with someone. There I am listening to someone torn in a relationship that is ruining her life and I am thinking I do the very same thing. I do want to read Enduring Love.
When will I make a decision that's right for me. Please Universe show me what to do and how to do it so that there is limited damage please. You are showing me time and time again that this isn't right for me. Then I doubt me thinking I am being unreasonable all the time.
Phew it's hard being me and hence I really just want to give up trying anymore. A cosy death seems favourable Universe. Is this how it's meant to be?
I am grateful for a good days therapy.  am grateful for a chat with IC. He reminded me how I need to take care of myself and not get absorbed in the work to heal me.
It's just incredibly difficult right now.
Oh and there might be people gossipping because of photos on FB. Well that'll truly piss G off. I think I will remove them


Bliss
XX

Grasping at water

I feel like shit!
I think it would be easier to stop trying to live in this world. It just feels too flipping difficult!
I've felt like this before and come through it. I've even had wonderful times. BUT it doesn't last.
Today I learnt from the solicitor that there is no basis for contesting my dads will. Now I feel injustice and helplessness. It's just awful
And amidst and troubled conversation with G he said that he doesn't want to talk long - the novelty has worn off. We've got to know each other now. It's a woman's thing talking at length.
So the novelty has worn off. I think for him it ma actually be over. Which is fine. It's changeable. It will be him ending the relationship and that's what I've wanted. In that way he changes the story. He will no doubt have all the reasons why he had to end it because of me but it is actually a change from women ending it with him.
Funny thing is I hate that it's not me making the decision and yet I've been questioning it for ages now. I don;t like the way he is grumpy with me. Whether it is me or not that's contributed to how he's feeling it's never clear. He's sulky and silent. He has this relationship with D and that's not really okay. He is so flipping sensitive there can be now way through things. All in all it doesn't look good. He's a nice man BUT ...................
I hate losing the things I like and I wanted to be wanted but blimey how many times have I been here. And in this relationship it's been on/off/on/off. I feel love for the man. BUT ......
I look at him and see some attraction some of the time. Other times I just don't. I have had a wonderful sensual time with hi. BUT .....
Well right now I want to stay focused on the things that aren't good about this encounter. Because when I start writing all that's good my heart melts. He's is a good man in so many ways.
BUT ...........


I feel such loss. NOT for my father. Good riddance. And that's my anger. I feel resentment even hatred for him. I want to feel love and forgiveness. Please Universe help me, show me, guide me.
I want to hold out hope but truthfully I know there is none. I remember when my mum first died, I kept suddenly realising she wasn't ever, ever coming back. It seemed impossible at times and I expected to hear from her or see her. And it's the same with the money. I keep thinking it's not true and something will resolve. But it won't. This is it.
It's horrible.
I feel deflated and I am not sure I can go on. I feel as if I've been holding it together for my entire life only for my father to do this to me.
What on earth was on his mind?
He was a very nasty, unkind man. I wonder why I am surrounded by unkindness. My father, his wife and men I have met and so on and so on. And when I am writing that I think it's just me, how I perceive things.

So ...... I don;t want G to not be liking me. That feels awful. I don't dislike him. I wish people didn't decide to dislike me. Am I really that unlikeable? If so then there really is no reason to go on living. I am trying to hold on to the fact that there are people who are always there regardless. E, R, A and G,.
My dad hated me - it's so hard to live with that. And here's more evidence with G that I am unlikeable. That I fuck everything up.
I cannot carry on like this. There either has to be a corner in the world where I can go and it will be okay. Yet I know that there is no such place - it's in my heart and soul but I cannot find it there either.

Universe help me. Truly help me - I need help to die or find a way through this.

Fuck it hurts in my heart and soul. How many more times can my heart and soul be so devastated.
I want to feel grateful for life and I just don't.

Bliss
X

Justice needs more than judgement and time

Without music, man is little more than a stone - Martin Luther 15th century monk. And I write that having started to watch the documentary about Bach's life on BBC. I fell asleep. Bach was influenced by Luther it seems but I was actually nodding off by that time. So I will revisit it when I've finished writing. Anything other than start studying. I love Bach's music; vibrant and sometimes enchanting. How could he hear what it would sound like with a choir or an orchestra? Do today's musicians hear how it will sound with the other instruments. When listening to David Bowie's band talk about sitting together and bringing their instruments into the piece, I started thinking that it's not really then David Bowie's idea in fullness, they all are part of the creation from nearly the initial idea. But ... perhaps that's just how it has to be. I will ask Liz today about her music writing process. I do love Toccata and Fugue, especially the building up getting higher and higher ad then reaching the pinnacle. At that point I want to go or stay there. But we have to come down.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho9rZjlsyYY

I had a lovely day yesterday. I have an underlying melancholy but can enjoy myself nonetheless.
I was enjoying texts with G. But then when he called he was in a grumpy mood I could tell. My immediate reaction was to pull back, fed up with the change in him when I had been so looking forward to speaking with him. He didn't really want to talk. I am suspecting he was angry because of the photos I sent of him with me messing around with bunny ears on. Who knows as he won't talk about what had made him angry. And in truth it's probably best as it's his issue if it's about me.
Anyway I think fuck off ad start to pull back. But not being in the same place it's so much easier to have some time. And wrote too. So what would you do?
My immediate reaction is to say why can't you just be even tempered and not get angry over the most ridiculous things. I wondered all sorts of things. So firstly I need to stop. It doesn't matter what he's angry about this time unless he tells me. Should I ask or not? I don't really know the answer to that question.
Anyhow it's clear I just let him be with this. He said he didn't really want to talk so that was easy too as we weren't together. I was hurt and disappointed and then fed up with it. Do I tell him that? I don't know. I guess perhaps if there's an opportunity to talk when he's not angry then I could mention it to him. It could be a number of reasons - it could be Di, it could be me, it could be his health, it could be blah blah blah. Who knows? The thing is it's not me who's made him angry it is the way he does or doesn't deal with life as it hits him.
Now me in this. It's interesting how I want to withdraw. It is tiresome for me when he is up and down in mood. One minute nice and the next it feels as if he's throwing me away. That was how it felt with my dad too. But he would gradually reel me in and then appear to toss me back out to sea. It never felt safe with my dad. Why should it? Is it anyone else's job to be consistent for me. That's when I take it personally and expect them to be how I want them to be.
So G is this way. I want him to be considerate of me but why should he be. I can be considerate of him much easier from afar and with some time. So there it is. If we have too much time together I'm not able to deal well with his changeable moods and seemingly ease with which he can be angered. I get tired and agitated by him. So today I am thinking don't bloody bother calling him.
I notice how I try and work out what it is he's angry about because then I can try and correct it. I want to be a good girl instead of just being me. I have done nothing wrong. We weren't together so I arranged things to do and accepted invites to see my friends. I didn't want to be spending time alone over these four days. I need people at the moment and to feel included. I need to feel loved. And yet I also have the choice of being at home by myself too. It's a luxury.
I wasn't able to tell G exactly at what time I would be free after seeing L today. I think I would feel a little insecure about that. I think what I will do is say that I will leave there by 5 - that's a good time for lunch and a walk and then perhaps G and I can meet for a walk too. I will take LouLou's food and water. Yes I would much prefer a bit of certainty and a sense that G wanted to see me. I think I was perhaps too nonchalant. And yesterday I didn't want him involved with the Barber's really. I did at first thinking it would be nice that he joins in. I'd like him to be a part of my family but he's so unsociable and can be rude if he doesn't like people. I don;t want to risk that rudeness as it does without doubt reflect upon me whether he likes it or not. But being impulsive and thinking happy family type thoughts I then realised I didn't want him too late after accepting his suggestion.
Now if I was able to find a nicer way of saying it I could have said something to the effect that it was a lovely idea but I would be concerned that he would be irritated by someone and then be rude. How on earth could I say that any easier. He takes a dislike so easily without really knowing a person fully. One little thing will make him curt. And I don't like that. My dad was like that but with everyone really. I just feel on edge and have done all my life with my dad. Will he be nice or will he be rude. The not knowing is so unpleasant and the experience of discomfort is even worse. Why? It's his issue. But it's not nice seeing other people confused and offended. There is just then an atmosphere and then people wouldn't want to see me and then it's just complicated and awkward to make arrangements. These are the things that make me wonder whether I want to be with him or not.
Now I say I love him but I don't like this about him. Is this reason enough to to be with the man I say I love? I don't know. Is his grumpy way of dealing with it reason enough to leave? I don't know. Is the way he retaliates with similar treatment rather than talk about enough to leave? I don't know. But the way he does that is quite enlightening for me. He doesn't always get it right though. He gets nasty and vicious with it too.
Last week when throwing everything back at me because he felt tings were being thrown back at him were all based on his own dislikes of what I was deciding to do. But he;s backtracked on that too. There is some issue about sexuality in particular with homosexual men.When driving back from Devon he mocked my gay friends without even knowing them. He is really angry with gay men. From what he's said I do understand. And he has a belief that a man can be made gay. I wonder if there is an issue around his own sexuality as he struggles with sex with a woman yet he loves to be with women. He has more female contacts than men. Do I want to be with someone with all these issues? Or questions around issues? I don't really but I love G.
I don't want him to be out of my life but I don't want all these difficulties either. I don't want to be poor and yet I am expecting him to be able to provide the dough as I'm such a low earner. My money is just enough to keep me going but that's it, there's no room for luxury within that. I want to be able to travel and be comfortable with buying things as required and not worrying about money. Why should anyone else be responsible for that? And with that question in my mind or my attitude to want to meet someone with money then the motive is all wrong in the first place.
Anyway I'm really uncertain about G. When I'm with him and it's lovely I just can't see a reason not t be with hi the person. But when I start thinking about all these other things I'm just so uncertain. He's got a lot of issues and so have I. I expect him to see and understand me yet I want him to be all okay. He's already warned me he's not a rock! He's so very aware. And yet he doesn't want to do anymore work on him.
I am sorry for my impulsiveness yesterday and then not seeing it through with honesty. I think it would have been hurtful to say actually I don't want you to come along and yet truthful if I could have explained why. Would that be too much for his sensitive soul? I don't know. I am still too scared to really be direct with people. And it's my perception of things and my discomfort. I can own that I suppose.
It was similar with PW. I realised as I listened to him all afternoon, from 12:30 until 17:30, just how much money and status meant to him and yet he was trying to say it didn't matter in some ways. It mattered wholly. He talked about how much he had and who he knew ad so on. It was a side of him I didn't like. And oddly as I'm sitting here talking about G making judgements and dismissing people for just one thing, I could easily do the same with PW. I need to listen to my instincts but not over react to them. I would take instant dislikes without really knowing why. And I would also make mistakes about individuals; I could get to like someone just because someone else I respected or liked or wanted to "keep" liked someone. It was jealousy. And I could easily end up having a close friend that I actually didn't like. Or I could dismiss someone for similar reasons. Or I could dismiss someone if I felt they had dismissed me. And so on.
As I know to really give someone justice they need time. But time isn't the only thing. Sometimes there is more information available and that can also contribute to giving someone justice. I would like the same myself. I make mistakes but that's not all of me. And if someone judges me by my mistakes then they are missing out on a whole heap of good things. My dad judged me on my mistakes and could then never see beyond that. And I've not liked that about him on my behalf. So I would like to try and give people time when it's possible. I can like the goodness in everyone. With PW he wants to do good with his money. I think the real turning point for me was listening to his dislike of his children. How they weren't going to inherit because he saw his daughter and partner as takers ad not very bright. Reminded me of me in my dad's eyes. His second son wouldn't inherit because he's made his own fortunes working for Apple. His third son has actually cut off contact with everyone. I wonder if it's just with PW but actually I think he is an honest man so there's no reason to doubt that actually.So he will not leave any money to his children and it's all going to his wife S or to a school. He wants to be an anonymous donator to offer educational scholarships to the school. Now that's a real credit to him since he himself received a scholarship. And he absconded to join the army at 14 years of age so in effect there was an accusation of theft apparently. The school approached his parents who really did not have any money at all. How he's worked hard to change his fortunes. And he's a very clever man that's plain to see.
I'm sort of jealous of his good fortune through his life but I always think a person does actually make their fortune. I've been on a hedonistic trail - anything for the easy fun life. Escaping from responsibility.
So here I am in my bed and having to lie in it. Why should anyone else bail me out of it. I used to think it was my right that my parents helped me out. Other parents helped their kids out. I'm not sure other kids messed up like I did. So I have had a hard lesson. And the denial lesson has been my dad disinheriting me. I thought I might at least be comfortable through my parents efforts but no!
Last laugh on him therefore. I have to laugh to really. Anyway I've sent some information off to the solicitor and lets see if he thinks there is good enough reason to contest. If he says yes then I'll try and find a good No Win No Fee solicitor depending on their charges. If he says no I will let go of it. And work through the hurt and the fact that I am poor and probably will remain so. Instead of longing I need to settle into being grateful for what I've got and work hard to keep it now.
BUt that doesn;'t answer the situation with G completely. The man I really like is not always present. Ther are other parts to him that I'm not sure I truly do like. His moodiness is one, his negative judgement of people another, his disinclination to work is another, his untidiness another (not that I'm tidy but he's worse). His disregard for cleanliness in people's homes, not wanting to wear clothes to look good at all. These are things I regard and don't like.
I love his intelligence and sense of humour. I like his self awareness. I like the way he likes people, it's good and strong. I like his interests and the way he shares them without prejudice. I like his consideration of me and his generosity with what he does have.
I don't know if I like enough about him or whether I just like the idea of liking him. I don't know.
His grumpiness leaves me more in questions than when he's being nice. It's good to have this distance.
I wonder what dating really means. I wonder about me in all of this. I want him to be well and able to deal with life and yet what about me in this?
How ma I in the relationship? I'm not entirely honest as was the case yesterday. There was nothing I needed to hide from him yet I didn't say that I didn't want to meet up with him. Fear of offending him and then him rejecting me and the choice of being in the relationship being taken away once and for all.

Oh and I'm off the AWOL again. This time for having eaten my courses with too long a break between them. I had done it before but had mentioned it to someone else on Tuesday so told my sponsor. She considered it a break of my abstinence and that means back to Day 1 and off the AWOL. Now I do think it's severe. But abstinence is abstinence. There's no degrees of abstinence. And if I get away with something then it's me not being respectful of a situation, not really taking it seriously. And that's insanity. I know this food addiction has complete power over me. Just yesterday I was thinking "fuck it" and several time felt tempted by all the foods; chocolate, cakes, creamy potatoes and other lovely dishes. Somehow I got through it without making any calls. Today I need to get honest. I started with T by Viber text. And I will tell my sponsor and I'm writing it down. I wasn't going to say anything at the AA meeting where I'm now secretary for the next 3 weeks. But now I will and take this 90 days seriously. No sharing, no eating out, no going away. Let's get really serious about this otherwise there is room for a full blown binge here. And just goes to show the extent of my denial as I was thinking well it's not really a relapse, justifying it as fear that had caused me to eat. It always is something that drives the "eat addictively" fear, denial, anger, sadness and so on. Right now I have a lot going on. Discovering things about my dad has not been pleasant. And hearing that my mum was confronted about taking better care of me was unpleasant too. I feel as if my world has turned upside down. My mum must have known that tings weren't all they should be between my dad and I but she was probably already used to him being the way he was. She had decided to stay with it. I do ask why? And here I am wondering whether to stay but you see I think a lot of it is about me being problematic and difficult.
And then I'm feeling a buffoon at work, making silly mistakes and feeling as if I'm lazy.
Then there's all this topsy turvy with G.
What else? Oh ongong uncertainty with M and always trying to get it right with her too.
I just want to let go of all of this. My tendency is to run but really I just need to let go. People are how they are. And I can be how I am. I'm not a bad person even though I spend my unwaking moments thinking and acting as if I am. I am doing my best.
So the reality is that I just don't know. In my faffing around G may get a sense of it. I'm toing and foring and he may well get fed up with it. It's not fair to him. I should either pull out or get in and stay in. I want to do neither. So what can I do from here?
Please Universe show me what to do and how to be? In the gentlest of ways please as I am so flipping fragile.
I'm unsure about everything. I don;t want to be here. I don;t want anything I ahve and want everything I don;t have. I don't even want to be me. I don;t want to have to go out and be friendly. I don't want to stay in alone.
I feel in a state. I think I've written myself into it. with all the I don't knows.
What I do know is it's time for breakfast. I do know I need to preapre my meals, lunch and dinner which means some cooking is required as well. I do know I need to get washed and dressed. I do know I need to feed LouLou and I do know I need to do some studying. It's now 8:50. I will have breakfast and then call G at 9:15. I will then get washed and dressed by which time it will probably be  10:00 and with 15 mins quiet time I can then be studying at 10:30. I will take breaks to get my meals ready. And then leave here at 12:15. I will spend the afternoon with L and if G wants to meet with him for a few hours too. We can meet for a walk. He is okay with not respecting his "best friends" wishes. And that's another thing that makes me wonder about him. He so likes her and needs her and yet lies to her and doesn;t respect her wishes just because he doesn't agree with them. I really don't like all this in myself let alone in someone else.
What am I doing with him? Is it me accepting crumbs?
What is it I do wnat in a person? Someone who can cherish me number 1. Someone who respects me and feels love for me. Someone who is further down the line of self unserstanding and who can be patient with me and respect my desire to improve. Someone who likes people and loves people despite all the wrongs as I'm trying to do despite my judgements. Someone how is funny and intelligent and bright but without grandiosity. Someone who is loyal to me and trustworthy. Someone who is following a spiritual practice. Someone who inspires me and who is inspired by me. Someone who will be loved by me. Someone with some money and a good working ethic. Someone who is sharing as well as caring. Someone who welcomes friend and social gatherings. Someone who enjoys their own time an quiet time for just both of us and someone who can let me have my own time too. Someone who is charming and funny.Someone who will tolerate my quirks and is quirky themself. Smeone who has their own interests and interests we can share.
There will be other things.
I need to eat breakfast and stop writing.
I am grateful today for good friends who want to invite me along to be with them. Thanks you the B's yesterday. I am grateful for this roof over my head and central heating and food in my cupboiards. I am grateful that there are people in my life to interreact with. I am grateful for G. He is a wonderful man. I am grateful for LouLou and her little ways. I am grateful for a laptop. I am grateful for FA and food recovery. I am grateful for the sunshine and the rain and the wind and the cold. It all has it's purpose and none of it is in the control of man. It is what it is. I am grateful for Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo's books. I am grateful for the idea to go an see her in the nunnery.
I am grateful full stop.
Bliss
XX










 

Catterwalling

What a great word!

 Dr King's polite command after seriously compromising the baddies in the great Western Django Unchained. Tarantino truly is a master, time and again. He seems to have a knack for the tongue in cheek seriousness of extreme situations. His composition is gripping, the colours, the use of music, the characters and plot, the actors he selects. Yes he has something that is definitely working for me. I don't suppose everyone likes his style. I can't imagine for instance my father seeing what I see in it. I loved Samuel L's character. Did Tarantino appear? I wasn't that observant. I might have to have a re-run on the look out. Or I could Google-cheat.

Anyway I think I've had my fill of catterwalling for the time being. Yesterday I felt quite melancholy but at the same time enjoying the company of my very good friends A and M. It was an easy day. I could be how I felt and that included laughter, love and appreciation. Baby R is delightful and I asked for a cuddle. I am not great with babies so it was her privilege but really it was mine and a great honour that she sat with me wriggling and gurgling for a little while. That was enough. I am there and looking forward to being along this journey with A.

Through last week I was reaching a crescendo of my anger. It was inappropriate the way I told Auntie O and was kind of a wake up call. I'm not always in control when in anger and that's what scares me about anger I think. It's difficult to remain gracious and rational in anger. If I don't allow it though it turns inwards and I can become very low very quickly. This can result in a complete inertia. I want to stick with my commitments this weekend. All but the studying it seems. I am meeting up as arranged and even being flexible when others want to change or some time. I have been invited to many different social gatherings and that's so lovely. How lucky I am.

Friday was time with G which I loved. I think if we can date for a while and see how things develop there is hope for us. Yesterday A and M and then an evening at home, chilly but with Val Doonican and Django Unchained and FB. Bloody FB; I become addicted so quickly. Today I am lunching with A and G and R and C is joining them with her family. The gals and I are meeting for a walk with the doggies beforehand. I'm taking my food as usual.

I announced to G yesterday that I had a break between courses the other day. I am back at Day 1. I hope this doesn't mean I have to depart from the new AWOL. I am liking the UK phone number for cost reductions and also the fact its on a Thurs at 9pm. Although I have fallen asleep a fair bit. I need earlier nights and hope that will happen with G here less. We must avoid late night calls. He will have to be more responsible for his home unless this drives him to spend even more time with D. It will be his choice I suppose. It is so frustrating that his "illness" creates these choices in him. Frustrating is an understatement. And I guess others will see that in me too. I am guided to make decisions that are not entirely thought through and without historical sub conscious motives. He just doesn't want to take responsibility for certain things. And that means he chooses ways that are not conducive to us having a future together. And yet I love him I realise. Bloody hell. It is a dilemma.

Anyway tomorrow I have plans to meet L for lunch and then suggested to G I meet up with him on the way back home. He keeps mockingly saying "when I allowed back to your place". I have set the rule though. I want to talk to him about my needs. I need some space and time. I do not want smoking in my flat and I'd prefer if when we're together he didn't spend quite as much time on his gadget - the new phone! It's been tedious but he's learnt it I'll give him that. And now he's bored of it wanting the next model with better facilities. Gosh! He's such an addict ha ha ha. Says I addicted to technology in my own way too.

I started to talk about my mum but felt so tearful and yesterday I just didn't want to be outwardly tearful. I feel more contemplative. And that's okay.

I need to tell G this morning in our sponsor call that I'd like to date G. I don't want her telling me not to and will say that this is a choice. It is an up and down relationship and I do have misgivings about the way he is. But I also love him. And perhaps this is the only way I can discover. Perhaps this is the process itself. Can she go along with me on this? I am teetering on leaving FA again. It's just so unforgiving in so many ways. And yet I don't want to. If I have to leave the AWOL I will reconsider my position. But those that have left I hear how the food starts to take over again ad to be honest I really enjoy the freedom from food that I have. I just think there is no flexibility and sometimes there can be. But I suppose there is the fact that I did take things into my own control - self-will run riot again. And if there are no consequences perhaps I don't learn to prioritise. However, if I didn't know it seems like a harsh punishment to me. There is no give at all. Okay, I will take the "punishment" but not happily and with a deflated feel to go with it.

 

Oh my gosh! I need to go an get showered, prepare my meal and speak with G all by 10 and its 9:07. I'm so not in a hurry with anything. I have writing and creative things occurring in my thoughts and less doing. I haven't had my quiet time wither. I will do that at some time today. I really do value it.

And I did see Tarantino - without having to cheat. I just hadn't seen it all the way through. DOH!

 

 

 

Cast Jamie Foxx Kerry Washington Leonardo DiCaprio Walton Goggins Christoph Waltz Samuel L. Jackson Don Johnson

Directors Quentin Tarantino

Screenwriters Quentin Tarantino Bliss xx

Control

Control is related to FEAR.

I must remember that when I feel I am being controlled. I think it a lot. It often sounds to me as if people are telling me what to do. Gosh do I react! I disagree, I get quite bolshy and defensive or I openly and sharply say the opposite. I feel it in me. I tense up.
I wonder if my reflections on being left alone from a little girl after school was anything to do with it. I used to do whatever I wanted really and then my parents would return and the rules of behaviour would suddenly be harsh compared with the previous hours of utter freedom. Confusing when I describe it. I remember SC pointing this out to me. It made sense. And now I wonder if it's been a part of this aversion to people seeming to tell or suggest. Also I think my dad was very manipulative. He would say things like "you're over doing it" because he wanted me to do what he wanted to do. Instead of stating his needs he would try to control. I've thought this of G too.
When I think people don't consider that I might know something I feel really pissed off with them - yes it's anger but whats the word. It's stronger than irritated.
What is this in me. I need top practise listening. It's worth listening and not reacting. Take things in.
G said that it was difficult to talk to me. I thought it was because I wasn't doing what he was suggesting and I thought what he was suggesting was because he didn't like what I was doing.
Another divorce resulted. But there was truth. The thing is I wasn't liking things he was doing or feeling that the relationship is the way I want things to be in my life. No doubt he would pick up on that.
There are so many layers in all of this. People with people.
I've always had to answer to my parents' judgement of me which I think was often misjudged. Yes some it was based on my terrible attitude and distorted ways as my "illness" was developing, ripening.
But there is control is this on my behalf too. Fear of being compliant, fear of losing self, fear of being controlled, fear of ??????
I'm not sure really what's going on but there is something.
With FA ad my sponsor I get really cross with being told what to do. Sometimes it's just about being liked and loved anyway for doing it my way and making mistakes. Does that me a bad person? I am very self-willed. I don't like disappointing people or annoying people but sometimes I think that's there stuff to deal with and just let me get on with it. But there's ego and selfishness in that. I must think about the consequences more and establish what I'm comfortable with as an outcome whatever it might be. Then I take or can make more informed choices. BUT let the outcome be whatever it is. Don' try and control it.
I do try and control outcomes by being people pleasing. I don't want people to think badly of me so I compromise myself. I lose a sense of what it is I really want.
It is such a muddle sometimes it feels too difficult to unpick.
So Universe I need your help is understanding and then please show me how to be and what to do for the very best of everyone concerned. I really mean it. Please give me courage where there's fear to follow you. I don't think that's always the easiest route but I would like to take it nonetheless. I don't want to stop living life though to do it.
So perhaps it is simply that I am going with the flow. I am not doing anything to harm anyone and if I could be upfront and honest then I am less likely to do that. I think Ga will be disappointed with me as I have gone against her suggestion. That's all it was and yet it sounded like an order.
Right then ...

I've done little about anything this morning. Does it really matter?
Probably not. I've had a relaxing morning and feel a lot better than I have done over the past few weeks. It's been building to a crescendo that I think erupted with me angrily presenting my case to Auntie O. It was not well delivered. It's what happens when I'm driven by anger.
So the truth is out there more and more now.

Gosh this song resonates. Not with the long ago blues. I've got the blues for love itself I think.

Still Got The Blues (For You) Gary Moore

Used to be so easy to give my heart away
But I found out the hard way
There's a price you have to pay
I found out that love was no friend of mine
I should have known time after time

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Used to be so easy to fall in love again
But I found out the hard way
It's a road that leads to pain
I found that love was more than just a game
You're playin' to win
But you lose just the same

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

So many years since I've seen your face
Here in my heart, there's an empty space
Where you used to be

So long, it was so long ago
But I've still got the blues for you

Though the days come and go
There is one thing I know
I've still got the blues for you.

Bliss
XX
 

Ninnyhammer

I really really can be a right ninnyhammer.
It's really evident to me most at work right now. I am very exposed. Just the two of us working there. I work with someone who is very precise and OCD ish in the sense of checking and double checking everything. Mistakes are not permissible. And so I'm much less of an editing type for example. I type out emails and send them and whoosh! All my typos are gone with the wind. And then when they come back it shows up to the perfectionist beside me and I feel the ninnyhammer I am.
I don't things through fully wither. I have so much on my mind other than the bigger picture. yesterday I went to the station with a client because he'd lost his rail ticket. I was pleased to be able to help. We chatted and when after saying cheerio I turned on my heels heading back to the office, hands in pocket to keep my fingers warm, to suddenly realise I don't have the keys to the front door. And with further awakening I realised that PD was now in a 1:1. It was a real count down hanging around outside, getting colder and colder. And as it got close to the opening hour and no sign I thought on nooooo is he having a 1 1.2 hour session. Anyway he emerged, surprised to see me. I found it funny just how ninkampoopish I can be.
I do little things like this all the time. I am exposed. It's the kind of thing I'm scared for people to see. I would be terrified with my dad of him tut tutting tutting at me in judgement and intolerance. He never ever saw the funny side. And my mum? I don't know. I think she would be angry with me for angering my dad.
When I was about 6, 7, 8 and so on I was letting myself in after school. I had jobs to do like turn the oven on and things. I had a backdoor key and with my empty house, I'd go out and play with my friend in the park. A few times I lost the key. My dad would be furious. I mean literally furious calling me an idiot etc. Really berating me, whilst having to saw through the lock. I was a child! Yet I took it on that was a complete idiot. I am only seeing now that it was unreasonable of them to leave me. I think that was when Mrs Skerrett was brought in on the scene. Probably that was the time my mum had been challenged at work needing to take better care of me after work. She was a career lady and put that first. It was all I knew, my norm but really I have always wanted my mum. It's created an Independence but I think there's a strong will there that either genetic or influenced by them and the life I lived.
I am looking back with a reality check that it wasn't that good for me. I am less angry about it today. The anger is truly diminishing for the time being. I hope some day that I won't be triggered so powerfully. At least I've done little damage.
Apart from the void being filled with G. I do not want him to be void fixer, like wood filler.

Bliss
XX

Volcanoising the monsters

I think the rage is subsiding. Or was it the disbelief of my Auntie O?
I think I've heard enough from others.
I have been angry and lashing out a bit. I don't know what else to do with my anger.
I lashed out by spreading the word about my dad. I wanted people to know he treated me horribly and that some of my monsters under my bed were put there, they weren't just from the inside of me. (Stephen King quote posted by a friend on FB).
What am I angry about? I'm angry because my dad has treated me unkindly for as long as I can remember. He might not think it was unkind but to me it was. Things from a little girl such as giving all the other kids a helicopter swing but not me. So in the greater scheme of things he was giving me a whole heap of things all of the time. But standing there waiting expectantly when all the other kids were enjoying it, I felt rejected, left out and hurt. It's been like that ever since. he would be running around for other people but would be moody with mum and I. Everyone appeared to come before us.Yet I know too he worked hard and so on. It's difficult not to minimise the feelings. I'm no longer sure what to do with which. I get the feeling that FA say quieten the negativity. Step away from it. I suppose so long as I don't ignore that it's there.
I wonder what Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo would say. I might write to her. But what would I say.
Dear Jetsunma.
I have been floundering in rage these past weeks. Since my dads death T, his wife has infuriated me by what seem to be unkind gestures. I truly believe she has been jealous all of these years and furthermore I feel certain she has been lied to about me. I wonder if she even knows the times my dad has met up with me.
And it feels so unjust that he would have been telling her things about me, making her dislike me. But I think I've tried to emphasise things about my dad so that people know how difficult its been for me. It similar. The thing is the things he did to me when I was younger I think are despicable. He put the monsters under my bed. But I then bred my own. And I cultured his dislike for me by irrational decisions and bad behaviour. I was using alcohol and drugs. It seems my mum had told Auntie O. I was a nightmare. As I listen to a clients parents describing what's going on for them I just feel so sad for the confusion and sadness my mum must have felt. It's difficult not to take it personally. I know only too well and my dad would not have had any resources to think differently.
He was a disturbed man of that I'm certain.
I've been raging particularly since he disinherited me. It was the biggest insult of them all. But no different really from all of the others throughout my life. I cannot forgive him for that right now. I feel furious and the powerlessness of not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to reason with him because he's fucked off. Kaputt! Snuffed it! Dead! And I'm glad. I feel dreadful for saying that  but at the same time it's true.
I never thought I could feel like this about death. I get pangs of sorrow when I think I'll never meet hi for a coffee again. I'll never receive a card from him again or a cheque. I knew this Christmas it was the last one. I do have these senses. Perhaps it was just with my parents. I soprt of knew about my mum yet was pissed off to learn that everyone was told in advance but me. And my dad didn't give credit for change when LW called him to tell him uncle B had died. And my dad told LW that I was too unwell to be informed, unstable. Fucking git! He was stuck in a rut from old old old times. He was a fucking bastard. He never gave me credit for anything. As I write that I think well I was a fuckwit. I wasn't. I did some things throughout my life that were misguided, but I was fucked up and he was a p[art of that. There is no separation and I'm angry that he didn't take any responsibility just blamed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! That's the injustice. He blamed me! He never ever looked at himself. There isn't a word I know that describes the emotion that goes with that. What is the word???? I need someone to identify with it and describe it to help me get it out of me. It's like it's stuck in my throat and it's blocking me from moving forward. At least I can describe it but I want someone to identify with it.


An email to a friend ...
"I know for me I start out with the best intentions. And I could even keep it going for a while. Which would lull me intoa false sense of security. So good at kidding myself. And gradually gradually it would build up until I'd be right back into the overeating involving lots of sugar and flour products. I strongly witness in me a problem with sugar and flour products and quantity. I am now a year and half free of that and have maintained a steady weight of between 120 - 124 pounfs. God am I relieved. I feel okay aboutmy body and can wear any clothes without trying different combinations. I would have a very few "fat" clothes because really I jst wanted to be covered and hidden and didn't like the clothes themselves. Nothing looked good anyway. I was lacking in confidence. All crazy thinking of course but it was all led by the overeating. Now I have a few combinations of nice clothes. I can't afford many but it doesn't matter because I can wear any. It doesn't stop me still being crazy i my thinking but it gives me an opportunity to  work on that. Always working towards imprving self and more and more freedom.
Right now has been a particularly crazy time. Raging with my father and with it I've raked up a lot of horrid memories from the past. But I think I'm beginning to see how I'm hanging on to the rage and turmoil. It doesn't do much good anymore. So I woke up this morning realising I have needed to vent it but now it's time to start calming. I prefer the balanced, peaceful way.
Things are irregular with G. We are meeting today. But I don't think I want to be in this in/out style relationship. I think I want to say to him that I'd like to slow everything down. No staying for nights on end. NO smoking in my flat. And there are a number of things. We have already gone way beyond the sex thing so I think it's impossible to back ttrack on that. I don't think he'll take it too well. But I really feel it's right for me. The problem is I'm so hooked on fear of what people think and their reactions. I don't want any enemies and yet I end up with them for being me. There must be a way of doing things that means we can be friends. I loe him as my friend. I am not in love with him. I don't love too many people and yet I can love everyone just for being human. G is a special man. He truly is and I love him for that. I wouldn't want him any other way but there are just so many things I don't want over ruling my own life and I do take them on. Until I can not take things on as my own I can't go on as we are. I don't know if I can learn this without being in the relationship. I'm sure I can."

Hmmm - I think I need a drink, some quiet meditation and wash and brush up, a tidy up and then G will be here.
What I really want to say to him is that I do not want endless nights of him staying here. I want to slow things down a lot more. I don't like the in/out relationship style we have. It's a part of who we both are but it doesn't have to be. I don't want to be doing that to him. Is he preapred to slow it all down with me? I want him in my life. I really do. He's an amazing man. I want to do things with him and be with him but not all the time. I do not want to be with anyone else. I do want time with my friends and those I choose, and to go to meetings and get up early and have some time on my own. I also want time with him. It's not a matter on not knowing what I want it's a matter of not wanting to be so crazy but how to get there. And I'm so controlled by fear.
I'm afraid of his anger and a bad reaction. He does over react taking things very personally. I suppose it is poersonal when I say I don't want smoking in my flat. And I'm tired of his mess. I'm messy enough on my own but he's really messy.

I'm not clear because the fear sets in. I've agreed to meet without checking it with anyone else. Self-willed and the result is he wants skin on skin. I'm uncertain as it just leads to being back where we started in my thinking. Yet I'll do it for the sake fo fear. Universe please help me with what you are showing me. I don't want to be awkward and clumsy but I'm giving mixed messages.
I do not want to give a mixed message. But I also don't know how to be clear.
At least the rage seems to be subsiding. It rises in me like a volcano and explodes.Erupting all over the place.
I want to depict that.
I'm going to somehow. I think I might make a mosaic. And what about my studying? Hmm. I guess I'll have this day off. And tomorrow morning ad start when I get back from A's tomorrow. I'm allowed a bit of a break I guess. Where are the cheeky emoticons? ;)

Bliss
XX