Time set aside to share my thoughts and feelings.
Some information here is sexual and explicit in its intention so not suitable for children.
I have copied some art from other places on the internet. No infringement of privacy or theft is intended. I will remove anything immediately if required.
It is forbidden to kill. Therefore, all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers, and to the sound of trumpets.
Voltaire
8th July 2013
Grrrrrrr I could murder AB when she tells me what to do or tells me how I must be feeling or hints at things being a problem. She said even you could get something to eat at the pub when I go out all the fucking time and eat out perfectly with ease and enjoyment. Just fuck right off!! And then thinks I am still weak and feeble. I write that knowing that at times I have been vulnerable. The problem with AB is she thinks I am all the time. I have grown and changed and that's not acknowledged. Of course she is in her rut of drinking and not liking doing anything. I fucking irritates me too that she says ooo let's do that. So I say okay let's arrange it now and then suddenly "oh no well not now". She liked the sound of the walk I did last evening and said can we do it, so I suggest this evening and suddenly there's a million reasons why not tonight. For fucks sakes!!! It's so infuriating. And I can feel I get edgy with her. I disagree just to try and keep my boundaries. She must sense it. I do!
I won't of course murder her. But fucking hell it's infuriating.
This might be a page for releasing frustrations and resentments with people as they develop.
It's helpful to write it and release the energy. And see how I need to just let go. And also keep listening because amidst all the nonsense AB says a lot of very sensible things. She made reference to Graham Whelan possibly being at the Summer School in Brighton. It is a possibility if he still works with the OU. If he should approach me I will deal with it. I am a very different person. I see my part in letting that situation develop. I was so unwell and needy and he was nasty in his sexual behaviours. I'm not sure how much I've exaggerated it but I know the experience was unpleasant. So if I feel threatened in anyway I now have a reminder that I can leave, I can speak with someone within the OU. It's good to have a bit of a game plan.
Thanks AB and a little less grrrr but grrrr nonetheless. And the way forward? I'd like to remember this is AB. That codependent behaviours and avoidance of self are very irrituating. Listen and smile. Stop needing to point things out to her. I know I'm okay without becoming adamant and bloody minded and then have to back track. Accept her as she is and love her for the friend she is. Please God help AB to be content. I know she isn't and her drinking keeps her from delaing with anything at all. I know God (of my understanding) that you are there in her life if she ever wants to reach out to. In the meantime, please can you help me to be more like the person I want to even when irritated by her. I want to be passive in the sense of calm, rather than the interpretation I can hold of passivity being a walk over. I want to be a good friend and listener. There will be ways to acknowledge what she's said and put a different point of view. Please show me how to do this and be serene.
Thank you God.
At a very young age, well that's how it seems to me now, my dad told me that women are only good for one thing and on a separate occasion told me that men only want one thing. I made it my business to meet the demand even though I was horrified to think that women were only good for one thing. I wanted to be good for more than one thing, I really wanted to be accepted as me. The problem was that having set a career on meeting men's demands meant that unconsciously and subtly I was eroding away at the me bits. Despite screaming inside it was masked by confusion of not really ever feeling good enough and the louder voice that actually being me was not what was actually wanted.
So today I am less and less surprised that men seem to think it is okay to send my pictures of their body parts. I have a large collection on peni, assuming the latin law for the plural of such words. I jokingly suggest that I will make a collage of these photos and post in FB for the men to see if they can identify themselves. It's mildly amusing but deep down the reality of this is hitting home.
The deep remorse I am feeling for my behaviours over the years is centred around the many failed relationships. Oddly the sense of remorse isn't because of the actual ending of the relationships anymore. That was always the sense of shame I seemed to carry. Another family motto, I think posited by my mum was "you make your bed, you lie in it". And also there was this till death us do part sort of commitment which I think was more of a silent rule. It's similar to the work ethic of being a reliable and loyal employee until death and only being of sick if one has riga mortis. Again said jokingly but I took it, whether it was meant or not, with an element of truth. And of course these things become the universal truth. When in reality there is a partial truth in everything, it is not THE truth. Something actually G would mention too and was raised by V this morning in our committed call. I had forgotten that the committed call was for shared time not just to support him and in my egotistical manner being the one person who can help him into recovery. I feel a degree of that with T too and forget that it's actually friendship with these people that's the important thing for me. I just want them to be happy whatever they are doing and want to be able to support them however they are doing.
A slight deviation there. Apologies. So this weekend, once again I have been sitting with a lot of remorse within my grief and also my loneliness. I can see how over these years there has been a gradual peeling off of layers with each choice that I have made involving men.
As a younger person, ad I'd like to think it was my teens but I can remember being interested in a young boy called David at age 7 yrs. He came for tea and my mum liked him because he took his cap off. I was pleased that eh pleased my mum, it was some acceptance of me somehow. And that links in with several choices of males throughout my life that my parents simply didn't like. And on reflection, I see of course how inappropriate they were. But in my dogged attitude and need at the time I determinedly wanted them and had them. In turn this brought other situations about, involving money and loss of it later on, heart ache, troubles. In all shapes and sizes there was some related chaos around my choices. I see how disappointing I was to my parents and sadly I didn't have enough recovery to change this before my dad died. Even with another relationship entered into whole heartedly too fast. But I was so grateful for his support during that very troubling time. Thank you G. God if there's anyway of letting him know how grateful I am despite being uncomfortable even then with some of his approaches and attitudes. The writing was clearly on the wall for me but it was more than I could deal with at that time and as usual I wanted the male company.
That has driven so much, that desperation to be approved of by men coupled with the belief that I needed to be good at being sexy. The irony is that I do not feel as if I am sexy or attractive woman. people say I am but to be honest I think they just say that to make me feel better. Who is going to say, after all, yes you're ugly. At least I'm not fat and ugly. The thing is, I also know that if I'm living by my principles, I feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself, I like myself and when I like myself I feel attractive. The unattractiveness really started with G as I was crossed my principle but as usual was compelled by his attention. I am so easily flattered. even though I was already questioning why I would find this man attractive. I could see his anger and negativity written all over his face. Literally. And his gossip was there from the beginning. I overlooked all of that for the approval of a man which I was getting. And then to have sex and for him to say it was the best ever, just fed my ego. I really did get yet another level of intimacy with G. I learnt so much with JH. That was the first time within the willingness to do as I was told as his slave, that I could allow myself to enjoy the sex. I wanted to please him and then was rewarded by being allowed to feel good myself. I see really well hos that worked. The thing is I don't want any of that outside of a committed relationship. And by committed I realise I don't mean an assurance of this is for lie but a commitment to work at it together. To create some security that at the first problem there will not be a tendency to run off or escape facing the issues by ignoring them or using something or someone else. The commitment is in facing the situations honestly and openly together. No deceit as best as can be. I know I am terrified and of what I don't always know so the honesty isn't necessarily immediate. And yet I demand absolute honesty and openness. I am seeing how unreasonable I've been and how unfair.But if there's a trust between us developing then he could start to trust that I will get honest as I can and I can trust that he will too. But so long as we're both able to talk about things at that level, be accountable and take responsibility. These are all layers peeling back for me to see and understand.
It's growth.
I feel that the remorse can lift as I start to live by changing ways. I don't have to keep doing the same thing and actually at my fathers deathbed I was doing the same thing and feeling consciously uncomfortable with it yet compelled to continue. I need someone there on my side actually and G was. I don't think any friend would have been able to be available at the same degree.
Thank you God for providing what I need at the right time always.
This is an area that is so complex.
I was just talking with E and she articulated an experience I attempted to explain to G. He wanted sex. I just didn't feel at all connected with him. There had been grumpy times between us, probably for some weeks. And suddenly he was all friendly and flirty. It felt nice. I joined in. The I realised that actually he wanted sex. I felt duped and dirty. I said no but was scared to and sure enough it resulted in him reverting to grumpy and even grumpier - an argument and criticism etc. No doubt for him there was rejection involved. I had thought that my needing more than just the desire of me sexually was connected with my years of acting out sexually. I mean with a virtual ( as in barely knowing them rather than the knewest meaning of virtual and meaning not in person) stranger I can be sex orientated for a extended period of time. It's all that matters initially in a way. But I have this less obvious agenda of wanting to be loved and cherished and by giving of myself that's what I expect in return. Of course, that's not in the mind of the man. At least I don't think so. So hen G wanted sex he wasn't used to the rejection. Coupled with his own insecurities around sex I am guessing this was a more than unpleasant situation.
I tried to explain that I need to feel connected and intimate to be able to have sex. But that would be counter to initial experiences when soon after getting together we were in bed together. I am disappointed that with LW I entered into the whole sexual thing but have pulled back. A line has been crossed but with him there is no chance of anything developing because he lives there and I live here. It's all virtual. So I have been able to say no and he still pushes and teases. I flirt a little back but keep away from anything full blown. It's tantalising and at times I flit in the the fantasy that somehow we could get together. I get jealous when he talks about my attractive friends. An indication to me that I am investing a little more than I'd like to make out I am.
I can talk about this I guess. But in the main I am practising getting back to my principles all the time. I want to live by the standards that feel righteous and then I feel better about myself. I like myself and when I like myself I feel like an attractive person and I'm likable by all whether they like me or not.
So that early message was absorbed and I set about living by it. It was my dads truth. I've learnt from PW that he was the randiest man he had ever known. I witnessed him with women too. I do wonder how my mum put up with it. I wonder why she left him soon after they were married. I have always wondered, even as a little person, why they got married so quickly. It was 6 months and then they were married. I believe my mum was on the rebound from her cricketing, wealthy boyfriend from Ottershaw. What was his name again? As a little girl I often used to wish he was my dad even though I realised I wouldn't have been me if he had been. Even then I didn't want to be. I'd give up me if life could be better. How sad.
Anyhow, I see all of this as the way forward. After a few weekends of a lot of remorse, I'm suddenly seeing a way forward. Thank you God (of my understanding). I feel lighter as a result.
I feel dreadful that with ML I have always said that so long as I have a roof over my head then she has too. But because G didn't like her suddenly that was not the truth anymore. Now he's gone it is the truth. But how on earth can she trust that. I understand. I am sorry but it seems pointless saying sorry. I don't trust myself right now that I am strong enough to make that promise and really keep it. So all I can do is work at changing and being more reliable. I wasn't so available to AB either. I don't want to return to spending so much time, needing her. So I will develop my life but be more measured and spend time with her but not needing her. She is more understanding that when a person is in a relationship they inevitably spend less time with friends. It is a compromise. It's not a slight. I understand. With AM she has a boyfriend and a baby and is less and less available. So I have called her and made an arrangement to meet up. I do miss her of course. And sometimes I eel a little resentful and then remember. All my friends that have had babies are like that. And when they get into a relationship too. The problem is I'm afraid of being alone and need to nurture myself better.
It was so good that I kept to my committed date with myself yesterday. A beautiful sunset walk, this time around a little areas of Chidham rather than Thorney Island. Just nest door. Somehow being there by the sea is very soothing. I keep thinking I would like to be places where I can find wild flowers. There are loads there but instead of seeking out names I'm just looking at them. I should remember the shapes and the leaves as G started teaching me and looking them up. Perhaps I will. But I don't think my nook is extensive enough. I will hopefully find a very good pocket version that i an carry around in the car. I'm tired of taking photos of them.
I took some photos that need editing but right now I am clearer to study so I'm going to.
Thank you God for this process. When I've been feeling lazy I really have only been lazy with my studying and getting to bed early. But I haven't been a lazy person. Processing emotions is not lazy. It's time consuming and exhausting. It's not the easy option. It would have been lazy of me to not have followed through with my commitment to friends on Saturday evening or my date with myself last evening. It would be lazy if I don't follow through with my commitment to read this morning then after lunch to go shopping and a walk with AB early evening when cooler.
I will call her now to arrange these things so at least I know the plan for the day. And then get on with a 30 minute study session before a short break and then another session.
If I were to sing a song to my dad what would it be?
It needs to be one of forgiveness, forgiveness of myself right now. I watched a film call Song for Marion. My gosh it was full of similarities. A father and son who did not get along as their mother and wife was dying of Cancer. She was upbeat and loved both her husband and son. She loved her husband even though he was a grump. She loved her son, saying "he's a good boy". That hurt as I can only think that over the years I brought my parent a lot of trouble.
I was burning the candle at both ends, I was financially irresponsible, I was hedonistic and selfish with it, I chose men that were really inappropriate and unavailable in many ways. I worked addictively and then burnt out. I drank addictively and ended up using drugs. I just wanted to be loved.
I don;t know if I could have a drink again without it getting out of hand. I do tend to think it was circumstantial. I think I fell into using drugs and quite frankly I know I couldn't use them recretionally and intermittently. I wanted them and more very quickly. I should go along to an NA meeting. I probably need an AA meeting as I was really thinking I might have a drink. If it weren't for my job and my food recovery I would drink I think. FA says no alcohol. It's sugar and mind altering.
I have so many regrets about my behaviour and please God I need to find forgiveness as right now it feels painful seeing my part in the animosity in the relationship with my dad.
For goodness sake, resorting to escorting. My parents must have been despairing, thankfully they didn't know. As far as I'm aware.
Well I just had a call from an FA friend C. It was interesting talking with her as she is questioning the whole alcohol abstinence.Not believeing she is an alcoholic she wants to be able to have a drink but more importantly it's to do with what others will think. I'm long past that I said, havinf just had the same thoughts I suppose with LW. When he said we can share time over a good glass of wine. My, that's a very tempting thought. And being in Paris with ML would be a lovely time to be in a cafe having a glass of good French wine. The thing is when I used to visit places I used to spend most of my time frequenting drinking venues and staying there. There are some cities, like Zurich that I found a bar and a few of us stayed there all day. Then spent the vening drinking as well. Too lazy to tour around. Sometimes it was because I felt too large to tour around and so easier to just jabba the hut it in a bar drinking. So yes it was a usefyul call for me. Then a call from L who has decided to have a breka from meetings completely. She was struggling to make it a bridge to normal living. Somehow the commitment was not suiting her. Maybe she won't need that constant feeling of fellowship and the reminder. Some people don't. They stop drinking and live happily ever after. I like the fellowship, the understanding of difficulites with day to day living and thinking. I am no longer so despairing but an evening like yesterday can still flaw me. It's good to have people to help step out of the potential quagmire and downward spiral.
This morning I still have a feeling of remorse hanging over me and some of it involves G.
I am thinking of sending this email .... I suspect he would delete it without een reading it. But at least I would have said what I truly think.
Hello G
I am a friend of yours whether you want that friendship or not. Whatever happens I will always think so very highly of you. I have thought that since meeting you and think it today still.
I am very sad that the relationship between us didn't work out and I regret even more that you feel so badly about me as a person.
I do make a lot of mistakes, fumbling through life situations. I don't find it easy. Amidst all of that, it is NEVER my intention to do any kind of harm to YOU or anyone.
You are a good person G and I am truly, truly grateful for the great times I have shared with you. I will hold those in my heart always.
I knew that I needed some time without contact and maybe could have expressed that more clearly. I didn't mean to piss you off so. I hoped you might be understanding of that and although you don't trust me, trust that it is not because of you.
I wish you only good and really mean that from the very bottom of my heart.
Bliss
What do you think? Should I or shouldn't I? I guess if unsure I will wait and re-read and see if it's still the right think to do. The intent behind it is valid. I would like him to know that I have no evil thoughts of him. I didn't like things that happened between us. The mix just wasn't right as a couple. Perhaps there isn't anyone that will be the right chemistry with me as I am. But it doesn's stop me liking these people.
On Friday I went out with a flurry of petticoats, red cha cha heels and hat boxes. As a result I left my keys in the door and the door unlocked. I sudenly remembered this when I was too into my journey to work to turn back. The I was agonisig about whether it was valid enough reason to phone the vicar of the local church. I might know people to say hello to but I don;t have people's numbers. My downstairs neighbour has given me his number now. I think I may have lost that too now! I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. I keep losing words again and get fearful that this is the onset of dementia or something serious. Especially with these dizzy spells and heart flutters. On the otherhand it could be menopause connected and just less noticeable as some of the more noticeable side effects when larger are not present now. Anhyway in my clumsy way I phoned him having talked with an FA person (as nuts I think as me, S) who agreed that it would be an okay thing to do to ease my fears. Break ins etc. I called, told him I was a bit bonkers and he did walk around to my flat, finding the keys in the door. He didn't want to disturb T (downstairs neighbour) so early but delivered the keys to him later in the day. How very kind. Now I will make a donation to the church - what should I donate?
Which reminds me. I need to count up the AA pot and pay the two lots of rent outstanding by cheque and bank the £198 into my account. I'm so lapse about this. I'd like to ahnd that commitment over actually. I'd much rather do something I'm better at. Oh well.
Being a "modelle" has so far been fun. I'm a model for an art class. They have thanked me for sitting so still. It's hardly the pose in the Girl with the pearl earring painted by Vemeers. And I'm far from a girl. Their paintings are not at all like me. Even the artists very fast impression is nothing like me I find. This were the creations I managed to photograph on Day 1 and then Day 2. 2 more days to go. Some people are only doing 2 days some people are doing the one piece over the days they are there. Some people are doing lots each time. It's interesting the references he makes to other painters and discussions about techniques. I think I should like to have lessons. I guess this is what the masters did and how they found proteges perhaps.
Day one
Day one
Day two
Day Two
Day two
Day two (one of many)
Day two
Day two
Day two later on
Day two
Day two (tutors fast start)
A very emotive film for me. A Song for Marion
Cast includes Terence Stamp, Vanessa Redgrave, Christopher Ecclestone, Gemma Arterton in
Paul Andrew Williams.
Humour but truly a pluck on grief within me. I think the acting was as ever outstanding by these very professional actors. It's a snippet in time before death and only a brief glimpse of the interactions around that.
I am not sure if it is sheer brillance because it's so real or if being so close to some of my reality makes it seem master work.
I have been thrown into my grief as a result of watching it, hence the opening theme of this entry today. Remorse, loss, sadness, internal turmoil, reconciliation.
It was a lovely light relief and a nice surprise when LW phoned me just as I was getting ready to go out for something to eat.
I would really like it if I had freinds with males as well. A mix of social people in a group. There was a largegroup of men at the pub last night. A team of some sort I would suggest. A wedding was taking place and the bride was so young looking and pretty. The guys were all so young as well. I was cynical in my thoughts and wish for them all that none of them follow a journey like mine has been. However, I can turn to the gloom of it all and forget to see the wonder of the journey too.
And today I've had a call with L, C and now my friend S too. It's lovely to have this friendship and connection.
I just want to share that every so often sadness and loss washes over me and it can briefly be so very overwhelming that I have a moment of thinking what's the point. It's fleeting thank goodness. And have a change within me that challenges the instant thought of going down into the bleak blackness.
This feeling of just not wanting to carry on washes over me with the overhwlming sadness and remorse. I feel so sorry for the "shit" that I brought to my mum and dad. No wonder my dad didn't like me. How do I ever say sorry? I continue some of the "shit" with one unsatisfactory male connection after another. Accepting what's not acceptable from the very start because I am just grateful that someone shows an interest in me. I know that they are nor suitable but think I can overlook those things so long as the attention is given. But very soon I ralise that I cannot overlook those things especially as really those ar the things most prominent in reality. The things that are the attention are just the niceties of courting and flirting. What I am sofening on is that I have to discover this and usually know within 6 to 9 months and then can be honest and leave the relationship. That is something my dad would never give me the benefit of the doubt that I will discover and move on. So I stayed in it because I was too scared to leave. As if leaving a relationship is a crime. It's what it's all about - discovery and making choices. He on the other hand committed to my mum and stayed regardless ad similar probably with T, although perhaps he was really happy. I hope so.
I watched Mumfoird & Sons. A first experience despite hearing some of the songs subliminally. They were phonemenal last night. Energetic, folk, good lyrics. I think I spotted a look of being out of it in a couple of them and that made me feel sad. I felt sad because really my journey through adulthood has been " a bit if a train crash" to use an anology I really don't like. It's been a lot of muddle and often left a lot of people marred. I feel so sad about this right now. I was reminded by my sponsor that I have my Highper Power. I took 15 mins of quiet time this morning and saw how busy my thoughts are. No moments of silence at all. I smile as I know it takes more practice than the zero I've put into ti. I pray for the willingness to take quiet time. And I know that this might bring me some quiet with the sorrow that I'm feeling.
It just feels as if it's been a lot of adventure but with this underlying focus on being too fat ad ugly and not good enough. I remember being with M and not having any worries about liking music that was diffrent from his choice. But there was an arrogance of not thinking he was choosing good stuff. But I did want to sound "cool" with JP. He was cooler and more discerning and so I listende to what he liked. Now what's that about. And it mattered more what he thought of my choices. I bought albums that he liked. The person Iw as with would never be a good choice. That was a part of it. That's what my dad was like with my mum and I. We weren't good enough, everyone else was who he wanted to be like or admired to the point of idolisation until they showed their flaws and then he would drop them. He was so easily let down.
Anyway I really need to get on with some studying.
Oh a couple of hours chat with LW - no sex talk ad he was very very tired. I wonder what this is all about?? Baffling. He talked abnout being a grumpy man. Typical! I didn't like what I heard about his grumpiness with his sons. Tiredness and irritability are one thing. Acting out on it are another thing. He was quite right though in his understanding of his not knowing how to be the father to them having had not guidance himself as a child. Where does the learning come from without role models?
I had a friendly text from G too. Just when I'm constantly sitting with the loneliness I suddenly get contact from men. Anyway it was just funny banter and then I responded and he stopped. I think that's usual for him. It would be nice if we can be friendly. I know for sure I do not want aything more than that!!
I would quite like to be able to hand over his things from my car.
I am debt free I was able to say this morning. And heard myself saying that I've sort of created all that I always thought about. No real responsibility of a property. I living in rented accommodation. It's plenty big enough for LouLou and I and wonderful views. The sunset colours last night were stunning. And it's peaceful. I have my own front door, well a rented one. It's my own space rented from someone else and after all I can't take it with me and have no one to leave things to as in chidlren so what's the problem. I can't afford to travel as I'd like to and I can't afford to just buy things as I'd like to. I will probably need to take a loan to buy a new car at some point. i don;t want to be travelling so may miles as I do but that's the way it is to get to the job that gives me the income and a lot of relaxed freedom. I hope PD and I make it work.
What else? I don't know if there is any more.
I have absolutely loved the Glastonbury Beeb 2 highlights. Mumford and Sons were a sheer delight of an experience for me. Nick Cave as usual grabs something deep in my soul. Le Freak by Chic was good to watch. What is it about a man like Nial Rogers that is so beguiling by his look and the way he moves. God it's a sexy move. And black men like him. I find it very compelling viewing. Arctic Monkeys were brilliant. The Rolling Stones - how I wished I'd been there. Yes indeed some good acts. I would like to have been there very much. A dry Glastonbury as well. That would make it all the better! If I have a spare £200 odd next year then perhaps I'll go. Am I too old for the camping. When I start thinking of my numbers I wonder what the hell I'm thinking of but when I start thinking I just love the atmosphere and the music I don't give a damn about my age!!
I really do love music and dancing. It's good to move. I wanna move my body. Hopefully Tone will want to stay out for the first night at Uni and if we find somewhere for ML's birthday on the Tuesday it'll be a chance to move and laugh and try not to be self conscious OR on the "lookout". Just relax and enjoy being me. I need to keep turning away from those thoughts of "hmm, he's nice" or "he's looking" or "is he available?" etc etc.
I would like to meet someone who is on a spiritual journey and where we can meet with values principles and morals. Someone who is patient with me and loves me and is available to be loved. Someone who is comfortably off financially and not worried about me not having any money. Someone who has interest and is inspiring, someone who is not judgemental overly but has an open minded way with opinions. Someone who is presentable and attractive but not a flirt or vain. Someone who is loving, giving and sociable. Someone who likes to laugh and has a good humour, intelligent and bright. Someone who is emotionally intelligent and manages their emotions well, someone who may even be beyond the damage of the past at least moving out of it and taking responsibility for themself and being accountable today. Someone who won't mind that I make lots of mistakes with this. And someone who will tolerate me learning to tolerate them.
I'd like to meet someone handsome actually and with money and with all the other qualities and even more than those that I haven't thought of to list. Someone who enjoys music and going out. Someone who likes to travel and can afford for him and I to travel together. Someone who supports my food plan and recovery and someone who is secure int hemselves and good at reaassuing me about them. Someone who is decent and honourable and sexily comfotable with themselves and is happy to gently experiment.
I am looking for this man. And also I'd like this man to be accessible location wise.
Are you there Mr? I believe you are. How are we going to find each other? It would be nice if you were looking for me too? Hey you? Over here .....
Writing as a tool.
This past week I've woken up most mornings feeling pretty flat an that's been mainly fuelled by sadness. I miss the contact with G and when I think of him, I think of his sad demeanour and that at times we had really fun and happy times. There was a problem though in that being the norm. That was the exception. I have to keep reminding myself as otherwise I have those "gaps" when there is nothing to do, nowhere to go and I'm just sitting with me ad guess what? I don't sit in that spot too easily very often. I haven't taken quiet time for an age now. I find all sorts of reasons as to why not.
And then L. Well having sent him the message as follows:
"Good morning L.
For some unaccountable reason this week feels as if it's going by so slowly. It's only Thursday. I only work 4 days a week at the moment and it still feels too many.
Oh good news and quite a shock, I got a first in both of my last 2 assignments. I certainly didn't expect that! That probably means very little but to me it's amazing. I do everything at the last minute and I give very little time to my studying really. I could be quite clever I reckon if I applied myself. That's what my teachers used to say in so many words. I was never really disciplined at school or at home with this sort of thing. And yet expectations were high. Strange combination really.
I wanted to say something quite serious now ..... are you sitting.
Ha ha - for me it feels intense and then I think what the hell am I talking about how can this be so intense???
Fumble fumble for words to say things that are then actually very revealing about me the person.
As you will probably know by now I am interested in sex. I like to play, I like to enjoy sex. HOWEVER (there's always a but huh?). It's not enough for me to just be sexual.
Now here's the weird bit okay. I am very very aware that you're there and I'm here but to me this sex play is just a prelude to getting to know you. Despite the distance and plastic between me and you there's just a little wonder in me as to whether you are someone I would like to know and have time with. It's impossible so goodness knows how or why I should even entertain the idea.
And so then why on earth would I be entering into all this sexual play. When actually I don't want to do that with anyone other than a person I am in a relationship with.
I enjoy what we've been doing. It's a lot of fun. I like your adventurous spirit and I like being pushed as actually I am very shy especially with sex and yet not really - what a combination!!
It's not enough though really. Without all the other levels of intimacy even with adventuring it becomes simply sex.
This I guess is where men and women are so so different. I can play and adventure but I also like discussion and experiencing other things and so on.
It's impossible for you and I to do that together.
I was going to write that if you were here or I there or just together and going out and talking and stuff from time to time and then getting home and then making love with gusto and adventure - that's great!!
But as days have gone on I just wonder what I'm doing. Coz the other problem is that I am loyal to you despite the distance, the plastic and the not really knowing you at all.
So then I am investing myself in distance, plastic and cyber sex which is only partially fulfilling a sexual desire.
Intensity over.......
No doubt I'll get horny again. But oddly if I don't entertain that it doesn't become a longing and passes quickly.
Anyway I'm going off to work now. Boo hoo. I love it when I'm there it just seems too much this week. Why does that happen?
Well of the real content of this email.
I'd be interested in your thoughts. I enjoy the liaisons with you but ....
I would like to continue being "penfriends/telephone friends" but I'm not quite sure on what basis - I know I don't want it to be on a sexual basis.
Better than running off to consider what the fuck I am doing here. I thought I'd just be honest with my thoughts. "
So he replied saying he understood and he would telephone me over the weekend. Well he hasn't so far. He has respected my sexlessness though but also barely been in contact, unless I've initiated a chitty chatty nonsense text. I have stopped as of last night. I was demeaning myself and thinking it just confuses the issue. He is not someone I know to be chit chatting about my day to day experiences. An that's all I want really. Someone to just share the days and experiences with. Otherwise I have these experiences and ..... and what? They are experiences for myself not because of others. Sometimes I do wonder if I have them to show off. And sometimes as I'm say walking around a gallery learning and viewing I start questioning why bother with all this life experience when I'm going to die and the "knowledge" dies with me. What's the point?
For example I'm doing all this studying and may achieve my degree eventually. So what? I die soon. What benefit will it all have had?
I've had a few more heart flutters. The worst was on when? Thursday I think. P was in group and one started. Whereas usually it is a brief moment. This one went on beyond the brief and I didn't worry as I thought it was a slightly extended brief moment. But it continued. I was starting to consider getting some help. My first port of call was to go and get P. I didn't though as he was in group and I wouldn't want to disturb that process. Anyway it passed. I've noticed a few sensations since but actually not as strong and fleeting. I've mentioned it to AB and she wants me to phone A&E if it reoccurs but I don;t think it's serious enough for that. I'm moderately perturbed at this stage.
AB is drinking a lot. And bloody hell I'm feeling so irritated by her. I feel her trying to control all the time. She is over thinking everything and worrying about everything. And as a result she is infuriating. She is over intellectualising as well. She is rude. I keep entering into the affray with her and then realise I'm getting fraught and short with her and so step back out again. She is SO controlling. The thing is I can then see myself controlling to match and survive. It is so annoying that she will not do anything about her drinking. And actually it's annoying as GB won't do anything about hers either. She and AB then enable each other. GB drinks just as much but isn't the same in her manner with it. The family is riddled with codependency. I couldn't live there and understand why RB gets away so much. It's into the arms of D thought and there is something about him that is not trustworthy. I can't put my finger on it. He wants to rescue the world but has this sort of arrogance. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he wasn't still drinking in secret.
Anyway with AB I know my feeling swill pass when she reduces her drinking again - goodness knows what's triggering this bout of nastiness. Menopause I wouldn't wonder and fear of the future.
Yesterday going to London was lovely. I qualified at the FA meeting and it was a real uplifting thing to do. 90 days again yesterday. Hoping that I do not have to go back to day 1. The return to day 1 can be over silly little things. I talks about the relapse because of fear. Fear of saying what I needed and ending up eating food that wasn't enough and so ate bread as it was on the plate. It was like eating razor blades with every mouthful, knowing it was relapse. And then of course thinking well I've done that I might as well ... I didn't thankfully. I managed to sit but wasn't really that attentive. And then I did eat my evening meal as usual. Thank goodness I had prepared it all.
K looks great and S is blooming with her pregnancy despite being so unwell with Lymes. What a worry for the unborn baby too. Yet she looks serene and getting on with whatever is ahead of her with projecting too much. I wonder though if she is just covering up and yet knowing that with all my emotions and situations I really am okay overall. And I know it's all just feelings and even with projections about the possibility of the business not working and me being out of a job I am not agonising. Not like last year when I was desperate to get away from the situation with LK but didn't know what I'd do for work. I thought I'd do anything until I actually started looking and felt the life drain from me when considering office work. What would I do other than this? I love being able to work with people.
I I could see 11 people per week at £50 per session equals £550 would be about £28k per year. Hmm less tax. Not so much really but more than a lot of people. The problem is getting 11 people consistently. People are not consistent and then where do the referrals come from which is the exact same problem we have now.
And where the hell do I get a room cheaply enough. You see the costs haven't even been deducted from that. I can see myself doing that eventually though if this doesn't work out.
Oh I start my modelling career this week.
Lowry at Tate Britain.
Interesting. I really liked one of his paintings on the beach. It was a rare different setting from industrialised cities. It was different colour scheme as well. Most of his paintings were white skies and white ground. Lots of browns, greys and olive greens. And uplifted by red clothing on the matchstick men and dogs.
"I saw the industrial scene and I was affected by it. I tried to paint it all the time. I tried to paint the industrial scene as best I could. It wasn’t easy."
GB asked if I had a bundle of money whether I would buy a Lowry for the aesthetics. I'd buy one for the collection.But for aesthetics. Probably not, maybe the beach. They are depictive of the industrial city of Manchester. I hadn't realised that the scenes were not real but a cobbled collection of places. Like collages really. And apparently the people were really images of himself in a general way. Everyone looks busy, heads down and leaning forward. Unhappiness. That's what I generally got from them. It was an interesting viewing from the point of seeing his skill in perspective and being quite unique.
Influenced by the French impressionists with his colours apparently and taught by Valette and others. I see and influence of Pissaro, whom I like very much actually. His use of night lights especially.
And most were painted as if out of a window from a top floor. How could he have got those views. Did he just take away the memory and a sketch. Now AB says he was quite a strange man and had painted some sexual life's with a theme of bondage in some. It's a pit the curator hadn't given the fuller story of him. Curators probably play safe huh? How snobby the art world is but how limiting. I'd like to have a fuller picture of the artists. It's then coming to life more.
Behind the familiar images of factory workers and northern industrial city scapes that have made LS Lowry one of Britain's most easily recognised and frequently reproduced painters, there is a much darker, sadder group of work rarely seen by the public. These bleak sketches and paintings include a series of disturbing and sexually deviant drawings that remained hidden until after the artist's death in 1976.Today the novelist and Lowry enthusiast Howard Jacobson is to give the annual lecture in honour of the painter at the Lowry Centre. He will argue that ignoring the bleak side of the artist's imagination has led to him being under-rated and misunderstood by many art critics. Jacobson is to call for Lowry's fetishistic, private drawings to be more widely shown.'I don't feel we are prying. I don't think there is anything prurient about it. In fact, by avoiding looking at this work we are just shielding Lowry from imagined disapproval. It is pathetic,' said Jacobson.He will suggest the public do not yet appreciate the complexity of Lowry's work, partly because they see such a limited selection. For Jacobson, the secret drawings of women in outlandish outfits and strange bondage positions are just part of his melancholy and tortured view of the world.'I am not somebody who thinks we have a right to know about everything in an artist's life. There is a line, of course. But when it comes to the work itself, then it is not like that,' said Jacobson.'It shows what a serious modernist Lowry really was,' said Jacobson. 'If he was French, after all, there would be no fuss. In fact, people would probably expect him to have made work like this.'Many of the erotic sketches show single female figures in bizarre and restrictive costumes and they commonly have either a hinted or an explicitly violent content.Jacobson's call has prompted the Lowry estate to reveal this weekend that one of the erotic sketches held at the Lowry Centre, will be loaned to the Netherlands for an exhibition this autumn. The sketch is to be sent out along with three other more conventional works by Lowry.'We would always consider a request to show these works,' said a spokesman. 'It is always simply a question of context and of the level of scholarship involved.'The work being loaned for the show in Ghent is reproduced above by permission of the estate. The Lowry, which was set up in 2000 to commemorate the life and work of the painter, has also responded to Jacobson's plea.A spokeswoman for the gallery said that the group of erotic works, which are sometimes referred to collectively as 'the mannequin sketches' or 'marionette works' were, in fact, available for visitors to see on request and that many of the images are also brought up into the public display area according to a rotation system.'I am always happy to show this work on request,' said the Lowry's collection adminstrator, Ruth Salisbury.The arts establishment has frequently denigrated Lowry, who worked as a tax collector, and classed his work as part of an anodyne, heritage tradition. Dubbed a 'Sunday painter', his familiar paintings of factories and 'matchstick men and women' have been dismissed by some critics as a straightforward celebration of the northern industrial experience.Jacobson sees this as a major misunderstanding. The work is a brutal consideration of the modern world and the lack of communication between people, he argues, and is reminiscent of the work of the playwrights Harold Pinter and Samuel Beckett. As a fellow Mancunian, Jacobson will suggest in his lecture that Lowry's habit of running himself down has been counter-productive. Many critics have been taking his work at face value.
(I'm always impressed at the information AB manages to store in her memory)
Some of the paintings I saw .... And there were 6 rooms so this was just a very small selection. Some of the more well known city scenese were there of course. AB informs me that the Tate has a large collection that are never shown. Why?
Just one last ting to get off my mind. As I was walking across Lambeth Bridge towards Millbank and the Tate, a man approached me. Well dressed and shaven, he tried reassuring me that he wasn't going to snatch anything or mug me but wanted £2. He explained he had lost his wallett. he had not phone having decided to leave it at home. He was supposed to be meeting friends. He said he needed £24.50 or something to get a train home. I was suspiscious and offered tog et some change. But as he was walking and he was clearly needing the money so much I just gave him a tenner. I don;t really have moeny to be able to give away to strangrs who I didn;t really believe. But it didn't matter whether I believed him or not he clearly needed it so much to ask starngers and so I had it and gave it to him. A little bit of me is hanging on to the idea that i was conned but the other part of me knows I made a choice because he clearly needed it more than me whatever his reason.
I just hope he uses it wisely and it wouldn't contribute to his downfall. Happy days for him I hope
There is an irony somewhere in there that I can't wuit connect with - the poverty depicted in Lowry's art, cities, unhappiness and this man - well dressed and that desperate for money.
A lot of emotions I've felt last few days and last weekend. Grief - mum, dad, me. By me I have thought about my inability to really stand by my principles for myself. Particularly with men and ending up tolerating situations and ways that just do not fit me. Last night I was crying really missing my dad. I needed to find some photos for my qualifying today and gosh seeing pics of him and I and then wondering how it got to be so far away when he married Theresa. It's all so baffling. I have been talking a lot to him this past week. I have been relieved he's dead and now I'm beginning to miss this ideal version of him. Also I've really felt the remorse and guilt for all of my.behaviours and the impact on him. My dad was angry and stayed angry right to the bitter end - with me. I regret how people feel because of me. My dad was angry with me for existing it seemed to me. So much hurt and now loss of him to ever find out how to be friendly together Bliss
xx
A distorted image of who my parents were that I didn't want to let go of and then they both died without me ever being able to directly make amends.
Shit!
