I wrote this way back in June2010 - and since then not sure I need a response but I didn't get one anyway.
I am disappointed
Hello S
I wonder if you can help please ......I hope you won't mind me asking.
I was talking with a friend who was talking about how he deals with pain (we were talking specifically about the dentist). He said that he looks at the pain as something interesting and he visualises it. Then he reduces the size of the pain in his visualisation.
SUDDENLY I leapt up. I think I may have told you but without emphasising the importance I have always had with this awake dream but the dream can so happen in my sleep.
I have had it as long as I can remember - I can remember the bed and bedroom when I was 3 and 4 and having this dream.
It happened a lot between the ages of 7 and into my teens. I have had it in my adulthood as well.
It is really difficult to describe. I have tried so many times because it has always felt very meaningful yet so abstract.
First of all there is this completely still nothingness - all the molecules are so so so tightly packed and dense nothing is moving at all. It is colourless matter - no movement.
It feels sinister yet is so so so so so calm.
Then this great big mass of chaotic and messy stuff moves in. It is a sphere but is big. It is mainly black. It's long strands of stuff all entwined and fills the view I have.
And it all moves about. I can see beyond it at times and through it vaguely. I feel turmoil as it is writhing and squirming and rolling and it's just big big fast moving mess.
Then it starts to get really small and compact and tight and slowing down and even though everything still feels sinister I can start to feel calm.
S I suddenly been jolted into realising what this is through this conversation with my friend.
I think the reducing of this horrid messy mass is me making it smaller. The sinister motionless surround is the big world even though in this "dream" it's as if I am looking at a screen where this all takes place.
When the sudden connection happened I cried but felt relieved at last to connect this all up.
Now as I am writing I am truly truly struggling. More than ever before. The internal pain is so immense. I can't stop what seems like my body and mind are separate.
I am telling myself I can't remember the events so they didn;t happen yet my body is telling me differently. I can't stop crying and yet I am wondering what I am crying for.
I feel absolutely crazy now. I am remembering what you said about body memories and to listen to them. And I have visual memories too of some things.
BUT this I know is about yuch yuch yuch! And yet I can't recall anything. I feel completely MAD!!!!!!!
What is also weird is that I can remember having this "dream" in another place. I was about 11 and was sent away to stay with my dads cousin and his wife. I loved playing with my cousin who was slightly younger than me so loved going there. I really always had fun! But for years I have remembered having the "dream" in the lovely room I used to stay in. I remember thinking it felt as if the bed was moving like a boat. I thought I was sick.
And then I never went back on my own again. My uncle, my dads cousin has only ever been lovely to me. I have a weird feeling always with the eldest cousin who is probably 10 years older than me. He was usually away at uni or something.
I am scared that something happened there or could it be that I just had the dream ad hoc?
And then the "dream" happens throughout my adult life. That is less difficult to explain now. In any relationship whatsoever I have had it. Sex with a partner has soon come to feel disgusting. And I begin to hate the man. I remember having the "dream" within these relationships. Can't even see the faces just the dream and so they all one big clump even the clients when I was prostituting - they are all one clump of men! Not forgetting the contempt I felt for men when prostituting - I had the power. Just think pah when I think of them.
Sometimes I have had the dream asleep, mainly when awake - I cannot see beyond the "dream" to see what is happening on the other side of it.
Help S. I feel in so much emotion I don't even know what the emotion is.
I am toying with cutting but don't want to. I haven't for over a year now. It's a battle - reminds me of the final scenes in the film Seven (do you know what I mean?)
The protagonist wants to shoot the murderer but then fights it then feels the emotion again and points the gun and lowers it again. That is so well portrayed for how I feel right now - battling.
Why does this past do this? So what - it is what happened? I know for other people I can understand why there would be so much emotion.
But why is it so so powerful in me - so what if he sexually abused me? (wow that's hard to write) so bloody what? Why does it cause me all this now - just stop it!
Well right now I am more centred following a friend calling. Phew. I am grateful for that centring without them having to know anything. They are neither in recovery or know about how crazy i can become. However they were easy to listen to.
I wonder if that was centring and hopefully not suppressing but then again maybe that's the only way as I go along with this
I have started seeing someone. We met over a shared interest in art.
He is not in recovery but interestingly is on his own spiritual path - about 2 1/2 years ago he made some changes in his life and since then has been exploring emotions and spirituality etc etc.
far this relationship between us has been very different. It's very good that he is not local and so contact has been not only face to face but more in writing or via Skype.
At this time it seems different from the ways in which I have entered into relationships. I am open and honest but with discernment. Importantly I am staying open and honest with my friends and asking for support. And indeed maintaining my long standing friendships.
I have not experienced such openness before. At times I want to run away - as an addict I have not seen this ore. I have committed not to run away though and instead find ways to deal with situations, remaining myself to the best of my ability. And suddenly I have been made aware of how terrified of commitment I actually am. I have always thought I am a totally committed but actually I was leach-like and clingy but then would become resentful as a result and then destroy. I know it's all classic love addiction so not telling you anything new.
I have been friends with him for several months and we have discussed and agreed that we are "courting". We met up recently and the relationship has evolved more into a physical
relationship. Without being dramatic I spoke about shyness and my hyper sensitivity about sex and that I was scared.
At the same time I think I sensitively approached the subject so that I didn't make him either my rescuer from the past or my abuser.
So far it seems OK . I have realisd that I don't really want nor need JHto be involved. He knows but with some distance. He also has said he knows this is my own healing as well as it being part of me and from that perspective he can simply hold me. Well I do know I cannot take the issue to him. I don;t want to repeat what I have done in the past.
I am telling you this - goodness knows why??????? I think perhaps I would like to ask if from time to time I might be able to have a session with you. If you are planning anymore weekend workshops I would certainly be interested.
I would be really delighted if you can spare a moment to either write or perhaps speak about this "dream" thing. I feel calmer right now but I was almost convulsing when I started writing to you.
I knew these "dreams" were relevant - I mean really really important. I used to ask my mum if I had them when I was feeling sick or something. I can't remember what she would say. I am getting more and more angry with her also finding that difficult to allow myself to feel.
This is now the next day Sunday
Well can you believe this synchronicity - Radio 4 programme in which a woman talks about discovering her partner had sexually abused her daughters. Then I get home and my dad had left a message on my answer machine and then I get an email from a man who used to be my dad's friend. Not that he has friends.
Now he is due to call me today.
I was talking with Liz this morning and telling her how my body is telling me one thing but my brain is telling me that sexual abuse does not happen to me.
I feel repulsion and disgust within myself and am battling again today. Wanting to cut not wanting to cut.
I feel detached then attached - I can no longer seem to keep it all away for long.
I feel sick and at times quite faint - it weird. Its horrid. Its healing too I believe
I don't really know what to do with it though.
I listen to people's stories in meetings and at work - and feel sad and an array of emotions
BUT it can't possibly happen to me. I still cannot believe that I have kept memories away from me for so long.
I know a lot of my talking with you helped me to start believing the little signs as they have been arising. But still it is difficult.
Sometimes this all seems so much to actually be able to deal with. It takes my breath away. I want it to stop finally.
I want to run away but there is nowhere to run to.
Want it cut out of me.
IT exists just need to learn to live with it and not let it be the drive of being. HOW????????? WHEN?????????????
Sometimes the growth/healing seems impossible.
Sorry for writing all of this. It has helped to write it.
Can you throw any light for me please?
Any suggestions other than what I am doing - talking to friends (suport friends), not using in any shape or form, trusting the Universe that I can get through this, trying to nurture myself, meetings. What else?
Thank you S for even reading this.
Bliss
I am disappointed
Hello S
I wonder if you can help please ......I hope you won't mind me asking.
I was talking with a friend who was talking about how he deals with pain (we were talking specifically about the dentist). He said that he looks at the pain as something interesting and he visualises it. Then he reduces the size of the pain in his visualisation.
SUDDENLY I leapt up. I think I may have told you but without emphasising the importance I have always had with this awake dream but the dream can so happen in my sleep.
I have had it as long as I can remember - I can remember the bed and bedroom when I was 3 and 4 and having this dream.
It happened a lot between the ages of 7 and into my teens. I have had it in my adulthood as well.
It is really difficult to describe. I have tried so many times because it has always felt very meaningful yet so abstract.
First of all there is this completely still nothingness - all the molecules are so so so tightly packed and dense nothing is moving at all. It is colourless matter - no movement.
It feels sinister yet is so so so so so calm.
Then this great big mass of chaotic and messy stuff moves in. It is a sphere but is big. It is mainly black. It's long strands of stuff all entwined and fills the view I have.
And it all moves about. I can see beyond it at times and through it vaguely. I feel turmoil as it is writhing and squirming and rolling and it's just big big fast moving mess.
Then it starts to get really small and compact and tight and slowing down and even though everything still feels sinister I can start to feel calm.
S I suddenly been jolted into realising what this is through this conversation with my friend.
I think the reducing of this horrid messy mass is me making it smaller. The sinister motionless surround is the big world even though in this "dream" it's as if I am looking at a screen where this all takes place.
When the sudden connection happened I cried but felt relieved at last to connect this all up.
Now as I am writing I am truly truly struggling. More than ever before. The internal pain is so immense. I can't stop what seems like my body and mind are separate.
I am telling myself I can't remember the events so they didn;t happen yet my body is telling me differently. I can't stop crying and yet I am wondering what I am crying for.
I feel absolutely crazy now. I am remembering what you said about body memories and to listen to them. And I have visual memories too of some things.
BUT this I know is about yuch yuch yuch! And yet I can't recall anything. I feel completely MAD!!!!!!!
What is also weird is that I can remember having this "dream" in another place. I was about 11 and was sent away to stay with my dads cousin and his wife. I loved playing with my cousin who was slightly younger than me so loved going there. I really always had fun! But for years I have remembered having the "dream" in the lovely room I used to stay in. I remember thinking it felt as if the bed was moving like a boat. I thought I was sick.
And then I never went back on my own again. My uncle, my dads cousin has only ever been lovely to me. I have a weird feeling always with the eldest cousin who is probably 10 years older than me. He was usually away at uni or something.
I am scared that something happened there or could it be that I just had the dream ad hoc?
And then the "dream" happens throughout my adult life. That is less difficult to explain now. In any relationship whatsoever I have had it. Sex with a partner has soon come to feel disgusting. And I begin to hate the man. I remember having the "dream" within these relationships. Can't even see the faces just the dream and so they all one big clump even the clients when I was prostituting - they are all one clump of men! Not forgetting the contempt I felt for men when prostituting - I had the power. Just think pah when I think of them.
Sometimes I have had the dream asleep, mainly when awake - I cannot see beyond the "dream" to see what is happening on the other side of it.
Help S. I feel in so much emotion I don't even know what the emotion is.
I am toying with cutting but don't want to. I haven't for over a year now. It's a battle - reminds me of the final scenes in the film Seven (do you know what I mean?)
The protagonist wants to shoot the murderer but then fights it then feels the emotion again and points the gun and lowers it again. That is so well portrayed for how I feel right now - battling.
Why does this past do this? So what - it is what happened? I know for other people I can understand why there would be so much emotion.
But why is it so so powerful in me - so what if he sexually abused me? (wow that's hard to write) so bloody what? Why does it cause me all this now - just stop it!
Well right now I am more centred following a friend calling. Phew. I am grateful for that centring without them having to know anything. They are neither in recovery or know about how crazy i can become. However they were easy to listen to.
I wonder if that was centring and hopefully not suppressing but then again maybe that's the only way as I go along with this
I have started seeing someone. We met over a shared interest in art.
He is not in recovery but interestingly is on his own spiritual path - about 2 1/2 years ago he made some changes in his life and since then has been exploring emotions and spirituality etc etc.
far this relationship between us has been very different. It's very good that he is not local and so contact has been not only face to face but more in writing or via Skype.
At this time it seems different from the ways in which I have entered into relationships. I am open and honest but with discernment. Importantly I am staying open and honest with my friends and asking for support. And indeed maintaining my long standing friendships.
I have not experienced such openness before. At times I want to run away - as an addict I have not seen this ore. I have committed not to run away though and instead find ways to deal with situations, remaining myself to the best of my ability. And suddenly I have been made aware of how terrified of commitment I actually am. I have always thought I am a totally committed but actually I was leach-like and clingy but then would become resentful as a result and then destroy. I know it's all classic love addiction so not telling you anything new.
I have been friends with him for several months and we have discussed and agreed that we are "courting". We met up recently and the relationship has evolved more into a physical
relationship. Without being dramatic I spoke about shyness and my hyper sensitivity about sex and that I was scared.
At the same time I think I sensitively approached the subject so that I didn't make him either my rescuer from the past or my abuser.
So far it seems OK . I have realisd that I don't really want nor need JHto be involved. He knows but with some distance. He also has said he knows this is my own healing as well as it being part of me and from that perspective he can simply hold me. Well I do know I cannot take the issue to him. I don;t want to repeat what I have done in the past.
I am telling you this - goodness knows why??????? I think perhaps I would like to ask if from time to time I might be able to have a session with you. If you are planning anymore weekend workshops I would certainly be interested.
I would be really delighted if you can spare a moment to either write or perhaps speak about this "dream" thing. I feel calmer right now but I was almost convulsing when I started writing to you.
I knew these "dreams" were relevant - I mean really really important. I used to ask my mum if I had them when I was feeling sick or something. I can't remember what she would say. I am getting more and more angry with her also finding that difficult to allow myself to feel.
This is now the next day Sunday
Well can you believe this synchronicity - Radio 4 programme in which a woman talks about discovering her partner had sexually abused her daughters. Then I get home and my dad had left a message on my answer machine and then I get an email from a man who used to be my dad's friend. Not that he has friends.
Now he is due to call me today.
I was talking with Liz this morning and telling her how my body is telling me one thing but my brain is telling me that sexual abuse does not happen to me.
I feel repulsion and disgust within myself and am battling again today. Wanting to cut not wanting to cut.
I feel detached then attached - I can no longer seem to keep it all away for long.
I feel sick and at times quite faint - it weird. Its horrid. Its healing too I believe
I don't really know what to do with it though.
I listen to people's stories in meetings and at work - and feel sad and an array of emotions
BUT it can't possibly happen to me. I still cannot believe that I have kept memories away from me for so long.
I know a lot of my talking with you helped me to start believing the little signs as they have been arising. But still it is difficult.
Sometimes this all seems so much to actually be able to deal with. It takes my breath away. I want it to stop finally.
I want to run away but there is nowhere to run to.
Want it cut out of me.
IT exists just need to learn to live with it and not let it be the drive of being. HOW????????? WHEN?????????????
Sometimes the growth/healing seems impossible.
Sorry for writing all of this. It has helped to write it.
Can you throw any light for me please?
Any suggestions other than what I am doing - talking to friends (suport friends), not using in any shape or form, trusting the Universe that I can get through this, trying to nurture myself, meetings. What else?
Thank you S for even reading this.
Bliss
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