If suddenly and without warning, Bliss, you had absolutely nothing to worry about, do you know what the world would begin to look like?
Un-huh, exactly the same as it does right now.
Alright, if suddenly you had absolutely nothing to be afraid of, do you know what you'd begin to look like right now?
Yeah, cool as ever.
OK, OK. If suddenly you had absolutely no expectations to live up to and no one to disappoint, do you know how free you'd suddenly be?
Yeah, same, same.
Get it? The only thing that would really change is your thoughts. And you don't need circumstances or other people to help you with that, do you?
I say it's time to blow the lid off this popsicle stand -
The Universe
Well this last week has been difficult for me. I discovered through a semi innocent act that my love and my Master had deceived me. It was awful on all sorts of levels.
Firstly the way in which I knew was through my own undercover act. I was on SL as a new an unidentified avatar - Lace Foxglove. Good name huh? I created her to enter the D/s sites not as PR - I had no intention of involving myself with anyone but rather to ask questions as an unknown about how to be a better slave to my Master. I met a man CA. I asked him if he was a Master and if he would tell me about this. He invited me to sit at his feet. As he started telling me I realised that it was my Master. It was as if someone put a stake through my heart.
I suddenly did not know what to do. There he was sending me messages on my mobile and Skype saying he was busy working and would be x number of minutes longer and yet chatting freely with Lace. Yes he said that he had a slave in RL and in Sl and this slave he loved. In my deceit I was asking leading questions in my realisation that my Master and my love was deceiving me. I thought I would find out how far he would go. I was hating myself for it. Wanted to reveal my real identity but felt terrified and then painfully curious to see what his intentions might be. I was so heart broken that he did not keep Lace completely away and even invited her to write an application to be his slave.
Now as I read this I expect anyone would be saying I suppose you have broken off this relationship now then?
The hurt is two-fold. One that my Master was not clearly boundaried with another woman. Even though he says to me he wants only monogamy the message would not be clear to a woman interested in him. It is my opinion this is very inviting. And secondly and even worse is that my love and Master was telling me - the real me that he was working and would be with me soon. He was blatantly lieing to me. Oh God the pain as I write this. He did not stop the talking with Lace - my heart is ripping all over again as I write this.
Now my love and Master has spoken with his friend and keeps reassuring me that he is not a bad person. I have never ever said that he is a bad person.
Can you imagine I spent that evening and the next day and evening knowing this information but not knowing what or how to tell him. I kept trying to give him the opportunity to be honest with me and he even spoke about the importance of honesty. During the second evening when talking about honesty with a lot of sincerity, it was at this point I had to say that I needed to tell him something that would surely be the end of our relationship.
I explained what had happened. .....
I am now trying to accept his explanation. He wanted time on SL with this other avatar - that he had had since 2009 - because it was peaceful time with none of his usual contacts knowing he was there. To some degree I understand this. As I write this I understand why I have moments of wondering.
Universe - I so truly hope that JH - my love and Master is the real man. I love so many things about him. I like him so much and enjoy pretty much all of the things that we do. But there is this situation that is so deceiving and how betrayed I have felt. I am trying so hard to accept his explanation
Well there has been another night and day since I wrote that last sentence. My Love and Master came online.
As I had started hurting as I was writing about the events I had to ask him some more questions about it.
For the first time he said how shitty he felt about having been untruthful and he also said that yes he had been too open. Of course this has raised questions about what he means by being open and that he had said he was no longer open. So if he is thinking he is no longer open I need I think to know what he means ...
I found this behaviour with LF too open if open means flirting.
Again maybe I have got this all wrong and being flirty is OK. It just seems to me that flirting can be risky. And doesn't seem like being true to commitment and love. I truly would like some input on this.
Anyway there is another point - I cannot control everything. By having the conversation in cognito did not bring anymore control. All it has brought is a knowledge that I don't like and a lot of negotiating to do.
My Love and Master mentioned that he had to trust that I was not there looking for another man or Master. Of course I wasn't but how could he know that in the same way as I don;t know his true intentions. All I can do is out trust in him and enjoy the journey. Like other people have met the true self reveals itself. And again just as in friendships, a lot have gone by the wayside. But I am left with the elite few. People I can trust and are consistent and dependable. People who listen and do not try to control or fix me. People who empathise with me and relate with me. People who I have such a laugh with. I trust them. People who I can ask for a hug from or time with. Oh and on and on - I have the most wonderful friends and I am truly grateful Universe for the incredible people have come into my life.
Equally there are people who are no longer in my life - gradually the incompatibilities show through. It';s not that they are bad and horrid - simply we have ideas that are too different.
I still feel guilty for moving away. I think they will take it personally and carry more of a self judgement. I say that because I can relate entirely. I would just crumble to a million tiny pieces if someone didn't like me. I would disregard all the people that did like me - well I wouldn't believe their compliments anyway.
Well I am rambling and tired now .........
Not sure if any of this is really of use or interest.
It's my life - No Comment!
Bliss
Un-huh, exactly the same as it does right now.
Alright, if suddenly you had absolutely nothing to be afraid of, do you know what you'd begin to look like right now?
Yeah, cool as ever.
OK, OK. If suddenly you had absolutely no expectations to live up to and no one to disappoint, do you know how free you'd suddenly be?
Yeah, same, same.
Get it? The only thing that would really change is your thoughts. And you don't need circumstances or other people to help you with that, do you?
I say it's time to blow the lid off this popsicle stand -
The Universe
Well this last week has been difficult for me. I discovered through a semi innocent act that my love and my Master had deceived me. It was awful on all sorts of levels.
Firstly the way in which I knew was through my own undercover act. I was on SL as a new an unidentified avatar - Lace Foxglove. Good name huh? I created her to enter the D/s sites not as PR - I had no intention of involving myself with anyone but rather to ask questions as an unknown about how to be a better slave to my Master. I met a man CA. I asked him if he was a Master and if he would tell me about this. He invited me to sit at his feet. As he started telling me I realised that it was my Master. It was as if someone put a stake through my heart.
I suddenly did not know what to do. There he was sending me messages on my mobile and Skype saying he was busy working and would be x number of minutes longer and yet chatting freely with Lace. Yes he said that he had a slave in RL and in Sl and this slave he loved. In my deceit I was asking leading questions in my realisation that my Master and my love was deceiving me. I thought I would find out how far he would go. I was hating myself for it. Wanted to reveal my real identity but felt terrified and then painfully curious to see what his intentions might be. I was so heart broken that he did not keep Lace completely away and even invited her to write an application to be his slave.
Now as I read this I expect anyone would be saying I suppose you have broken off this relationship now then?
The hurt is two-fold. One that my Master was not clearly boundaried with another woman. Even though he says to me he wants only monogamy the message would not be clear to a woman interested in him. It is my opinion this is very inviting. And secondly and even worse is that my love and Master was telling me - the real me that he was working and would be with me soon. He was blatantly lieing to me. Oh God the pain as I write this. He did not stop the talking with Lace - my heart is ripping all over again as I write this.
Now my love and Master has spoken with his friend and keeps reassuring me that he is not a bad person. I have never ever said that he is a bad person.
Can you imagine I spent that evening and the next day and evening knowing this information but not knowing what or how to tell him. I kept trying to give him the opportunity to be honest with me and he even spoke about the importance of honesty. During the second evening when talking about honesty with a lot of sincerity, it was at this point I had to say that I needed to tell him something that would surely be the end of our relationship.
I explained what had happened. .....
I am now trying to accept his explanation. He wanted time on SL with this other avatar - that he had had since 2009 - because it was peaceful time with none of his usual contacts knowing he was there. To some degree I understand this. As I write this I understand why I have moments of wondering.
Universe - I so truly hope that JH - my love and Master is the real man. I love so many things about him. I like him so much and enjoy pretty much all of the things that we do. But there is this situation that is so deceiving and how betrayed I have felt. I am trying so hard to accept his explanation
Well there has been another night and day since I wrote that last sentence. My Love and Master came online.
As I had started hurting as I was writing about the events I had to ask him some more questions about it.
For the first time he said how shitty he felt about having been untruthful and he also said that yes he had been too open. Of course this has raised questions about what he means by being open and that he had said he was no longer open. So if he is thinking he is no longer open I need I think to know what he means ...
I found this behaviour with LF too open if open means flirting.
Again maybe I have got this all wrong and being flirty is OK. It just seems to me that flirting can be risky. And doesn't seem like being true to commitment and love. I truly would like some input on this.
Anyway there is another point - I cannot control everything. By having the conversation in cognito did not bring anymore control. All it has brought is a knowledge that I don't like and a lot of negotiating to do.
My Love and Master mentioned that he had to trust that I was not there looking for another man or Master. Of course I wasn't but how could he know that in the same way as I don;t know his true intentions. All I can do is out trust in him and enjoy the journey. Like other people have met the true self reveals itself. And again just as in friendships, a lot have gone by the wayside. But I am left with the elite few. People I can trust and are consistent and dependable. People who listen and do not try to control or fix me. People who empathise with me and relate with me. People who I have such a laugh with. I trust them. People who I can ask for a hug from or time with. Oh and on and on - I have the most wonderful friends and I am truly grateful Universe for the incredible people have come into my life.
Equally there are people who are no longer in my life - gradually the incompatibilities show through. It';s not that they are bad and horrid - simply we have ideas that are too different.
I still feel guilty for moving away. I think they will take it personally and carry more of a self judgement. I say that because I can relate entirely. I would just crumble to a million tiny pieces if someone didn't like me. I would disregard all the people that did like me - well I wouldn't believe their compliments anyway.
Well I am rambling and tired now .........
Not sure if any of this is really of use or interest.
It's my life - No Comment!
Bliss
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