James Ensor - JH introduced me to this artist following me attempting to find Le Doleur. And JH explained realism to me. Fascinating art history is fascinating. The changes of the preferences throughout the centuries - trends and exploration of humans developing - evolving. What was once enchanting or interesting becomes less so with normalising and then our human brains want more. Evolution - reflecting our reflections. More more more. Exciting, dynamic, endless creation. What next?
But Ensor was not a realist painter surely? His influence JH told me was from masks. Like Ensor I find masks sinster and the smiles insincere. What is really behind the smile, the mask. A place for soemthing unknown to hide. I never did lke clowns, finding them frightening.
So back to the boundaries lessons from yesterday.
Values inform boundaries. And out values are learnt usually in early years. We learn our values from parents. siblings (family essentially). So if our values are in anyway distorted by family dysfunction, then our boundaries will also be distorted.
So for example when I was a child I lost the back door key. My dad went berserk. He cursed me and told me I was irresponsible and useless. I was 7 or 8 max. I was responsible enough for my parents to expect me to let myself in and look after myself until they got home, so was given the key but lost it when I went out to play. So it was a very confusing message. In fact they should not have been leaving me alone. All the priorities were mixed up. So I was taught the message that I was irresponsible and not taught how to be responsible. Just that if I did things wrong I would make my dad mad at me. So the value I learnt was to be perfect and not upset my dad. It was not OK to lose anything and that I was not a responsible person. No recognition for what I did do either.
So my boundaries were informed by that. Anyone was to tell me off if I didn't get it perfectly right. So therefore it would be better to try and cover up any mistakes so as not to be told off because they would also see how much of a useless person I actually was. No boundaries - barriers - HIDE HIDE HIDE in case anyone sees the real me and I am useless.
I am rambling on to try and make my point. My dad's value - I have no idea. Everything ha to be absolutely smooth all of the time. And other people were not to know what on behind our doors - so secretive was the value not openness and accoutability. This sort of things were rules that I learnt and informed my values and barriers.
Also I was told I was not clever and I was useless at art and that getting a career really mattered and that to be playful was not good and I was lazy for not liking gardening and instead preferred to be inside reading or something. Anything I did was not valued. I loved horses and riding but had to be the best and even that was driven out of me in the end. I still love horses but rarely ride anymore. When I do I just like to be with the horse and not have to be the best.
Althouth Clive Turner told me I have a very natural seat. I was so proud of that even to this day. I was a natural at something but did not want to be any great competitor or antyhing. I just wanted to be with the horses.
Values of mine though were not those of my parents or then even the teachers. And do I learnt I was wrong. My own self worth being eroded away at.
Get the picture so far ... surely more to write on this.
Here is something I read that I adopt as a value to me - One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Emile_Friant_La_Douleur_1898.jpg
le doleur - emile fraint
Of course you don't know "how."
It's OK that you don't know "how."
To be honest, Bliss, you're not really supposed to know "how," because it's when you don't know that you're pressed hardest to learn that I do; to see that the hows are my domain and that your job is only to define the end result and get busy.
All so that you might quicker learn of how things really work, as you suddenly find the path that you sought lies beneath your skipping feet.
Double Dutch -
The Universe
ML's poem
MacKenzie’s goodbye
Since I was a little boy
Unusual is what they said
I always wanted to destroy
Calm and peaceful in my bed
I grew in to a comic killjoy
Decided I’d be better off dead
Ending it - is best for this little boy
Need to try and get out of this village now ..... snowed in. But need to get to work and will have to stay there for next couple of nights - do not want to get stranded on these country roads. It was frightening last year.
I want to tell you about Il y longtemps que je t'aime. A very lovely emotive film with a lot of strong messages throughout.
I like the Iranian doctor saying "war is weak, they remain in here always", as he patted his heart and talked about people he had long lost. Their memory and the love never goes. And how in the Little Prince he dies but leaves the memory of his laughter whenever the pilot looks to the starts.
I cried when I read that and smiled at the same time. I miss my mum every day. And just recently I thought I would just call her and tell her something only to remember I couldn't. So I then told her anyway as I was driving along. I could see her very clearly about to tell me her opinion on the matter. HA!
Right got to at least try and get out of this village.
Bliss
XX
But Ensor was not a realist painter surely? His influence JH told me was from masks. Like Ensor I find masks sinster and the smiles insincere. What is really behind the smile, the mask. A place for soemthing unknown to hide. I never did lke clowns, finding them frightening.
So back to the boundaries lessons from yesterday.
Values inform boundaries. And out values are learnt usually in early years. We learn our values from parents. siblings (family essentially). So if our values are in anyway distorted by family dysfunction, then our boundaries will also be distorted.
So for example when I was a child I lost the back door key. My dad went berserk. He cursed me and told me I was irresponsible and useless. I was 7 or 8 max. I was responsible enough for my parents to expect me to let myself in and look after myself until they got home, so was given the key but lost it when I went out to play. So it was a very confusing message. In fact they should not have been leaving me alone. All the priorities were mixed up. So I was taught the message that I was irresponsible and not taught how to be responsible. Just that if I did things wrong I would make my dad mad at me. So the value I learnt was to be perfect and not upset my dad. It was not OK to lose anything and that I was not a responsible person. No recognition for what I did do either.
So my boundaries were informed by that. Anyone was to tell me off if I didn't get it perfectly right. So therefore it would be better to try and cover up any mistakes so as not to be told off because they would also see how much of a useless person I actually was. No boundaries - barriers - HIDE HIDE HIDE in case anyone sees the real me and I am useless.
I am rambling on to try and make my point. My dad's value - I have no idea. Everything ha to be absolutely smooth all of the time. And other people were not to know what on behind our doors - so secretive was the value not openness and accoutability. This sort of things were rules that I learnt and informed my values and barriers.
Also I was told I was not clever and I was useless at art and that getting a career really mattered and that to be playful was not good and I was lazy for not liking gardening and instead preferred to be inside reading or something. Anything I did was not valued. I loved horses and riding but had to be the best and even that was driven out of me in the end. I still love horses but rarely ride anymore. When I do I just like to be with the horse and not have to be the best.
Althouth Clive Turner told me I have a very natural seat. I was so proud of that even to this day. I was a natural at something but did not want to be any great competitor or antyhing. I just wanted to be with the horses.
Values of mine though were not those of my parents or then even the teachers. And do I learnt I was wrong. My own self worth being eroded away at.
Get the picture so far ... surely more to write on this.
Here is something I read that I adopt as a value to me - One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye.
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Emile_Friant_La_Douleur_1898.jpg
le doleur - emile fraint
Of course you don't know "how."
It's OK that you don't know "how."
To be honest, Bliss, you're not really supposed to know "how," because it's when you don't know that you're pressed hardest to learn that I do; to see that the hows are my domain and that your job is only to define the end result and get busy.
All so that you might quicker learn of how things really work, as you suddenly find the path that you sought lies beneath your skipping feet.
Double Dutch -
The Universe
ML's poem
MacKenzie’s goodbye
Since I was a little boy
Unusual is what they said
I always wanted to destroy
Calm and peaceful in my bed
I grew in to a comic killjoy
Decided I’d be better off dead
Ending it - is best for this little boy
Need to try and get out of this village now ..... snowed in. But need to get to work and will have to stay there for next couple of nights - do not want to get stranded on these country roads. It was frightening last year.
I want to tell you about Il y longtemps que je t'aime. A very lovely emotive film with a lot of strong messages throughout.
I like the Iranian doctor saying "war is weak, they remain in here always", as he patted his heart and talked about people he had long lost. Their memory and the love never goes. And how in the Little Prince he dies but leaves the memory of his laughter whenever the pilot looks to the starts.
I cried when I read that and smiled at the same time. I miss my mum every day. And just recently I thought I would just call her and tell her something only to remember I couldn't. So I then told her anyway as I was driving along. I could see her very clearly about to tell me her opinion on the matter. HA!
Right got to at least try and get out of this village.
Bliss
XX
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