I think I have a lesson to learn regarding people getting on and off my bus.
I am just one of the people on the bus refers to being equal - not better than or less than
Humility in being a person and one of many on this planet. Removing my ego which can manifest as a lack of self esteem i.e inferiority and worthlessness or superiority or grandiosity, full of self importance.
I am getting more of a sense of this although my self esteem can be on the floor. Shot on someone else's shoe is a term that I have used a lot, once I became consciously aware of my experiences connected with this.
Equally I have flipped to the other extreme and been full of self importance. This can manifest in knowing and being judgemental or opinionated and damning of others. Controlling comes to mind. Whereas a lack of self esteem shows itself in me as not expressing my own thoughts or feelings or not having an opinion in case I show myself up as wrong or stupid. This can also manifest as compliance. Becoming what I think others want of me. I describe myself as pathetic when like this which is so damning of myself. I would like to gently tell me that's it's not surprising considering the very sensitive me has not been nurtured for the individual way that I perceive the world. This is without intention and I can find forgiveness for that. But I also have anger about it still. I am angry at myself a lot of the time. I need forgiveness for me too.
Anyway I think I have a big issue with the loss of people - how people arrive and leave too.
I recall a friend I made, I think I was about 6 years old. I loved her. Debbie. I think, I am not sure, that I can bring to mind an image of her. Of course it is hazy and I may have her mixed up with someone else. I can smell her though and very distinct biscuity smell. I have an image of a flowery dress and the cottage that she was stying in. Hey I think it was her grandma's place. I was at Park School. She lived in a little row of cottages not so far from my own house. I can recall to this day the upset to devastation levels when she was moving to Germany. Her father was in the army. I think this was a contributor experience in my difficulty with losing people. I am not sure just how my parents supported me. I can recall some words of comfort from my mum but of course she was busy working and a lot of my childhood was alone time, so I had to work things through for myself. No judgement on this, it's how it was. I have felt angry about this at times though.
I also remember earlier than this occasion. My little best friend made new friends. I was away at school I expect and she made friends with other children in my absence. When I played with them I felt very outside and excluded. I also have a sense that she was the only person I played with for a very long time and yet she seemed to know lots of other children. I do not know how this happened.
But I had very separate friendships - she was there at home next door - KR. Then was a friendship which is linked with school but more linked with my mum being friends with one of her parents. I am not sure how. The friendship seemed made for me - I think I went there after school aged about 5 years old and then my mum collected me after her work. That's probably how it worked.
I do remember her and I being bullied by Bernard Green - ha ha ha who turned up so much later in my life miles from the original meetings - I was maybe 16 years old when he reappeared. He married a school associate J - now what was her surname. A friend of HG. JF I think. I wonder if they are still married.
What I realise at this point today is that I take full responsibility for people having got off my bus. I must be the bad one. I somehow force them off the bus. This is in my lack of acceptance of their shortcomings. I am not sure if I do kick them off or whether they get off by choice. At the same time I wonder if by having shortcomings pointed out they cannot deal with this and that is why they have to get off.
Whatever it is it's how it is and there are two things to accept. People's shortcomings and that people come and go.
I find it difficult. I have such a deep sense of loss. It affects me right at my very core. I seem to lose the past when they go. And yet I now that I will never truly lose the experience and the encounter. Once had it never goes. But I do not like the idea of never being able to access this again.
I suppose it's linked with a feeling of insecurity from my childhood. I was mainly alone. My mum always returned until of course she died.
I have had a lot of loss during my life. A lot of it is my own doing.
I cannot ponder longer on this. I spend too much time analysing.
It is what it is.
I wish to be able to accept things as they are. I trust that one leaving means there is room for newness and perhaps my life is always going to be about many many experiences and encounters - it has been so far. Little has ever stood still and I have had a remarkable life to date as a result.
Some others perhaps have more experience through a more stable journey. It's just different
And not surprisingly I think this links well with earlier discussions about certainty and uncertainty.
Bliss
XX
Studying psychology involves a lot of philosophy. And curently studying Biological psychology and how our biology becomes consciouness. Fascinating. At the same time of philosophy can make one mad. Contemplating being human - ha ha. As If I am not mad enough. Studying it rather than simply living it.
Phew - exhausting.
I am just one of the people on the bus refers to being equal - not better than or less than
Humility in being a person and one of many on this planet. Removing my ego which can manifest as a lack of self esteem i.e inferiority and worthlessness or superiority or grandiosity, full of self importance.
I am getting more of a sense of this although my self esteem can be on the floor. Shot on someone else's shoe is a term that I have used a lot, once I became consciously aware of my experiences connected with this.
Equally I have flipped to the other extreme and been full of self importance. This can manifest in knowing and being judgemental or opinionated and damning of others. Controlling comes to mind. Whereas a lack of self esteem shows itself in me as not expressing my own thoughts or feelings or not having an opinion in case I show myself up as wrong or stupid. This can also manifest as compliance. Becoming what I think others want of me. I describe myself as pathetic when like this which is so damning of myself. I would like to gently tell me that's it's not surprising considering the very sensitive me has not been nurtured for the individual way that I perceive the world. This is without intention and I can find forgiveness for that. But I also have anger about it still. I am angry at myself a lot of the time. I need forgiveness for me too.
Anyway I think I have a big issue with the loss of people - how people arrive and leave too.
I recall a friend I made, I think I was about 6 years old. I loved her. Debbie. I think, I am not sure, that I can bring to mind an image of her. Of course it is hazy and I may have her mixed up with someone else. I can smell her though and very distinct biscuity smell. I have an image of a flowery dress and the cottage that she was stying in. Hey I think it was her grandma's place. I was at Park School. She lived in a little row of cottages not so far from my own house. I can recall to this day the upset to devastation levels when she was moving to Germany. Her father was in the army. I think this was a contributor experience in my difficulty with losing people. I am not sure just how my parents supported me. I can recall some words of comfort from my mum but of course she was busy working and a lot of my childhood was alone time, so I had to work things through for myself. No judgement on this, it's how it was. I have felt angry about this at times though.
I also remember earlier than this occasion. My little best friend made new friends. I was away at school I expect and she made friends with other children in my absence. When I played with them I felt very outside and excluded. I also have a sense that she was the only person I played with for a very long time and yet she seemed to know lots of other children. I do not know how this happened.
But I had very separate friendships - she was there at home next door - KR. Then was a friendship which is linked with school but more linked with my mum being friends with one of her parents. I am not sure how. The friendship seemed made for me - I think I went there after school aged about 5 years old and then my mum collected me after her work. That's probably how it worked.
I do remember her and I being bullied by Bernard Green - ha ha ha who turned up so much later in my life miles from the original meetings - I was maybe 16 years old when he reappeared. He married a school associate J - now what was her surname. A friend of HG. JF I think. I wonder if they are still married.
What I realise at this point today is that I take full responsibility for people having got off my bus. I must be the bad one. I somehow force them off the bus. This is in my lack of acceptance of their shortcomings. I am not sure if I do kick them off or whether they get off by choice. At the same time I wonder if by having shortcomings pointed out they cannot deal with this and that is why they have to get off.
Whatever it is it's how it is and there are two things to accept. People's shortcomings and that people come and go.
I find it difficult. I have such a deep sense of loss. It affects me right at my very core. I seem to lose the past when they go. And yet I now that I will never truly lose the experience and the encounter. Once had it never goes. But I do not like the idea of never being able to access this again.
I suppose it's linked with a feeling of insecurity from my childhood. I was mainly alone. My mum always returned until of course she died.
I have had a lot of loss during my life. A lot of it is my own doing.
I cannot ponder longer on this. I spend too much time analysing.
It is what it is.
I wish to be able to accept things as they are. I trust that one leaving means there is room for newness and perhaps my life is always going to be about many many experiences and encounters - it has been so far. Little has ever stood still and I have had a remarkable life to date as a result.
Some others perhaps have more experience through a more stable journey. It's just different
And not surprisingly I think this links well with earlier discussions about certainty and uncertainty.
Bliss
XX
Studying psychology involves a lot of philosophy. And curently studying Biological psychology and how our biology becomes consciouness. Fascinating. At the same time of philosophy can make one mad. Contemplating being human - ha ha. As If I am not mad enough. Studying it rather than simply living it.
Phew - exhausting.
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