It seems such a trudge at this time. One step at a time and even that feels weighty, draining, like wading through thick,thick sludge. The mud reluctant to allow me to lift my foot, and being able to see that I place it yet more of the same. I can hear the sucking sound of the mire as I attempt to lug my foot free.
The emotions are immense. Some of the time I encounter overwhelming feelings and at the same time I can continue with my day to day living. And then there are occasions when the emotions are that intense that daily functioning seems impossible. I am literally taking one task at a time just to get up. First there is the waking up, then raising my body to sitting, standing and taking steps to the bathroom. Every move is with a desire to run in the opposite direction. I bathe, I dress and get into the car and can not allow myself to think too much about it. I just have to get to work.
I am trying to hang on until my week off.
What you may be wondering is driving this?
So much!
I want to write tonight in my journal just one thing that I know from my childhood. I am doing this as a start to healing the deep wounds and the rage that is within me. I felt the rage once again after meeting my dad for lunch in January when he said that he remembered punching me on the nose. When I got in the car I screamed with rage. That rage used to turn into self harm in various ways - cutting, sexualising, using substances. I could not make my dad understand my hurt and the longing to be loved for simply being me. could not match up to what he wanted me to be and furthermore there was history between us anyway.
And you know what? I realise that the manner in which I wanted JH to hurt to know that I loved him so much and wanted him to be able to love me, it was similar with my dad. At times I was vitriolic. Vicious with my sharp words. My anger at times was appropriate, after all I was being lied to. But I wanted JH to know how much I was hurting by trying to hurt him. And all that was happening is that he was being pushed further and further away. With my dad, all I kept doing was acting out in ways that he despised, similarly alienating myself from him.
I would very much like to heal the raging little girl within me. I also see how with JH and other how yet again I wanted someone who was grown up and stable. And then he wasn't like others before him, including my dad. All they can do is be a part of more hurting. Not their fault, but I enable it.
I hasten to add that this is just this part of the relationship. I am very aware that there were so many great things about the relationship with JH and it was these that I loved and enabled me to fall in love with him. The trick is to build upon the great things and work on the things that are destructive. Well he was not able to work on his things with me. And that's that.
What I am left with is the repeat lesson that I do not need to find someone to look after me. Because when that's a part of the relationship they let me down of course. Anyone always would. It's as if I don't have to deal with the outstanding issues with my dad if someone else can look after me. I said to JH that he wasn't able to hold me. What I need is someone who would wish to be a support and be strong enough to acknowledge my feelings. Like my friends do now. They do not try to fix me and I do not expect them to. I want to be heard though and acknowledged. I am the one who needs to hold my feelings.
Hence I would like to be able to release the rage in me - the rage caused by someone violating me and then being trapped in a lifetime of being violated. People even violate without realising that's what they are doing!!
Oh the power of the unconscious choices. Pah!
I was saying just recently how conscious awareness is what I strive for and is a human gift. And how many people actually seem better off in their lack of awareness simply because it is easier somehow not dealing with things. Yet I have never seen satisfaction in those people. Awareness with acceptance is a way forward.
So I am making steps to reveal the deepest darkest secrets. Bring them to my own awareness. Acknowledge without needing anyone else to agree or own them.
Tonight I will write one secret down to the best of my ability. Even as I think about it I can feel the repulsion in my body. I need to remind myself I am here now, I am safe, I am my own adult. No one can take of me - that is shown and proven time and again, in fact when given that responsibility people just abuse it. Some men consciously and others not aware at all. I need to take care of me. I do not want to tolerate anymore.
I can write this down and take care of me. I can acknowledge the roar of rage inside me as I recall the occasion. I can forgive the behaviours that are evoked within the rage. I can forgive me.
I can forgive the perpetrator. I want to be free.
I felt a slight slip then, blaming me for still being stuck with this. Getting angry with myself for not having let go blah blah blah.
Gosh that judgemental me. I can hear the judgement of others, even putting a voice to JH or JB or SH or CY or etc etc etc, still having this stuff to sort out and not being chilled etc. And actually they have masses of stuff not dealt with themselves. Not wanting to look at, maybe not needing to look at it. It doesn't really matter.
I am enough! And those people that accept me as me are the people who love me. I need only to focus on having their support.
So one thing - one bullet point and expand upon it as much as I can.
This stuff is not even for this Blog. Maybe one day but not now. It's a big big leap of faith I am taking.
So - I am grateful for -
AB and GB being so thoughtful and kind this evening.
VT making herself so available with covering work.
ET for telling me about ways to reclaim pay for days off
Being humble enough to ask for help and suggestions
A friend trusting me with her emotions
Lighter mornings
Lighter evenings
Radio 4
BBC iPlayer
Kindness
Plans to visit London on Monday
Open University
Laughter
People's creativity
Humour
Awareness
Acceptance
Change
Experiences
Bliss
X
The emotions are immense. Some of the time I encounter overwhelming feelings and at the same time I can continue with my day to day living. And then there are occasions when the emotions are that intense that daily functioning seems impossible. I am literally taking one task at a time just to get up. First there is the waking up, then raising my body to sitting, standing and taking steps to the bathroom. Every move is with a desire to run in the opposite direction. I bathe, I dress and get into the car and can not allow myself to think too much about it. I just have to get to work.
I am trying to hang on until my week off.
What you may be wondering is driving this?
So much!
I want to write tonight in my journal just one thing that I know from my childhood. I am doing this as a start to healing the deep wounds and the rage that is within me. I felt the rage once again after meeting my dad for lunch in January when he said that he remembered punching me on the nose. When I got in the car I screamed with rage. That rage used to turn into self harm in various ways - cutting, sexualising, using substances. I could not make my dad understand my hurt and the longing to be loved for simply being me. could not match up to what he wanted me to be and furthermore there was history between us anyway.
And you know what? I realise that the manner in which I wanted JH to hurt to know that I loved him so much and wanted him to be able to love me, it was similar with my dad. At times I was vitriolic. Vicious with my sharp words. My anger at times was appropriate, after all I was being lied to. But I wanted JH to know how much I was hurting by trying to hurt him. And all that was happening is that he was being pushed further and further away. With my dad, all I kept doing was acting out in ways that he despised, similarly alienating myself from him.
I would very much like to heal the raging little girl within me. I also see how with JH and other how yet again I wanted someone who was grown up and stable. And then he wasn't like others before him, including my dad. All they can do is be a part of more hurting. Not their fault, but I enable it.
I hasten to add that this is just this part of the relationship. I am very aware that there were so many great things about the relationship with JH and it was these that I loved and enabled me to fall in love with him. The trick is to build upon the great things and work on the things that are destructive. Well he was not able to work on his things with me. And that's that.
What I am left with is the repeat lesson that I do not need to find someone to look after me. Because when that's a part of the relationship they let me down of course. Anyone always would. It's as if I don't have to deal with the outstanding issues with my dad if someone else can look after me. I said to JH that he wasn't able to hold me. What I need is someone who would wish to be a support and be strong enough to acknowledge my feelings. Like my friends do now. They do not try to fix me and I do not expect them to. I want to be heard though and acknowledged. I am the one who needs to hold my feelings.
Hence I would like to be able to release the rage in me - the rage caused by someone violating me and then being trapped in a lifetime of being violated. People even violate without realising that's what they are doing!!
Oh the power of the unconscious choices. Pah!
I was saying just recently how conscious awareness is what I strive for and is a human gift. And how many people actually seem better off in their lack of awareness simply because it is easier somehow not dealing with things. Yet I have never seen satisfaction in those people. Awareness with acceptance is a way forward.
So I am making steps to reveal the deepest darkest secrets. Bring them to my own awareness. Acknowledge without needing anyone else to agree or own them.
Tonight I will write one secret down to the best of my ability. Even as I think about it I can feel the repulsion in my body. I need to remind myself I am here now, I am safe, I am my own adult. No one can take of me - that is shown and proven time and again, in fact when given that responsibility people just abuse it. Some men consciously and others not aware at all. I need to take care of me. I do not want to tolerate anymore.
I can write this down and take care of me. I can acknowledge the roar of rage inside me as I recall the occasion. I can forgive the behaviours that are evoked within the rage. I can forgive me.
I can forgive the perpetrator. I want to be free.
I felt a slight slip then, blaming me for still being stuck with this. Getting angry with myself for not having let go blah blah blah.
Gosh that judgemental me. I can hear the judgement of others, even putting a voice to JH or JB or SH or CY or etc etc etc, still having this stuff to sort out and not being chilled etc. And actually they have masses of stuff not dealt with themselves. Not wanting to look at, maybe not needing to look at it. It doesn't really matter.
I am enough! And those people that accept me as me are the people who love me. I need only to focus on having their support.
So one thing - one bullet point and expand upon it as much as I can.
This stuff is not even for this Blog. Maybe one day but not now. It's a big big leap of faith I am taking.
So - I am grateful for -
AB and GB being so thoughtful and kind this evening.
VT making herself so available with covering work.
ET for telling me about ways to reclaim pay for days off
Being humble enough to ask for help and suggestions
A friend trusting me with her emotions
Lighter mornings
Lighter evenings
Radio 4
BBC iPlayer
Kindness
Plans to visit London on Monday
Open University
Laughter
People's creativity
Humour
Awareness
Acceptance
Change
Experiences
Bliss
X
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