I am not sure what has happened to me these last few days. I feel very low indeed. I feel uninspired, and actually quite concerned about myself. I am really struggling to take the next step.
I have ideas in my head of things to do - sketch, write, action. I am doing all of them but nothing absolutely nothing is firing in my soul.
I was talking with some people last evening how difficult I am finding it being with me. I feel very alone in this world right now.
I feel like life itself and yet its so difficult to connect with it at this time. I cannot understand what is going on.
Connecting with the Universe but in an unconnected way.
I feel very sad.
I do not want to engage with anything that is "fixing" yet it is difficult to stay with how I am feeling.
Meditation gives some moments of freedom and it's like breathing fresh air for a while afterwards. And then the staleness creeps in again.
I am sure it is a mix of recent events and heart break with JH. Knowing he is going on and developing his life without me and I had hoped for us to develop from here together. It seems that there is another direction for me after all.
I am finding the very thought of writing down "what I know for sure" very very frightening indeed. I have never written anywhere at all the things that I know for sure from my past.
What I realised this week is that I would like two things more than anything else right now
To tell what it is I know and to find forgiveness. This may sound abstract but this is connection with my dad.
Things have moved on you see within me. I feel so sad though that it has taken all this time. I feel sad that I have had a lifetime of this defining me and affecting me from deep within.
I have been yearning to be loved for so long .....................................................
It feels difficult to be responsible for loving me by myself. Believing I am lovable was supposed to start with my parents and that is not what I got from my dad. His way was such a shattering to my heart that the incredible love I received from my mum was not enough. Sadly she wasn't able to protect me. So that sort of confirms in childlike minds that I am not worth saving.
So here I am - and I am in a lot of pain from my soul.
I met a man who I liked very much indeed. I allowed him deep into my soul - further than anyone has ever been allowed. But I did not wait to find out if he was able to walk with me. As a result I have ended up hurting my soul again. It is not his fault.
It is I that allowed sexual intimacy. I did tell him I was actually very fragile but I don't expect he was aware what that meant and he had his own issues driving his needs. I trusted him but didn't really wait long enough to find out. I do not blame him for being him, I celebrate that. It just wasn't togetherness that resulted in our encounter. I have so much to give to someone who can cherish me. What a journey to discover intimate sex like I did. A deep joy of sex and with it an intensified love. It was very real indeed for me. I wonder what it was like for JH? I will never really know. He said it was real. It seemed real enough. He is a lovely man, I just need to let him go from my soul and doing that leaves a big void.
Tis strange that this happens at a time when I am embarking on another stage of difficulty with childhood issues.
As always it is not for me to understand. What I need to do is take from the lesson and see how I can grow.
At this time I feel very alone and very scared. What I need to do is draw from the people I know love me and not turn to conditional comfort.
When will the hurt stop?
I am going to walk and feel the cool fresh air on my face - I smile at merely the thought of this.
Bliss
XX
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