A surprising evening. I felt very uncomfortable when JP walked into the room and then B was not far behind her. There was a man there that was incredibly similar looking to JH. That was so strange. I could not help but stare for a while. The whole thing was initially very strange. But the sharing was good and open and honest. I felt a calm wash over me that I have not felt for a while. I felt the terror of being in the same room with JP leave me and felt it was OK to be me - just how I am with all the blackness as well as all the relief at having had an improvement in my emotions. Furthermore, I have been able to put more concentration into my studying. I contacted my GP for more help and I organised the pills for LouLou. Little achievements but achievements nonetheless contributing I am sure to being a little more uplifted towards the end of the day.
I was able to speak with AB about a sense in me that she is irascible and what was this related to? She shared with me her concerns and difficulties and I was able to listen. It's so horrid that she feels she has to apologise when actually as a friend I value that she feels she can talk with me quite candidly.
I read something today about the M/s sexual interaction that really made me think about myself. I realised that in this type of relationship I do not have to feel at all ashamed of any sexual activity. The choices are all taken out of my control and the acts are to please someone else. The pleasure I get is actually secondary and yet that actually leaves me free to feel the pleasure. Does that make any sense?
So in fact there is no responsibility with me at all.
There is something important in this and I will expand further and also try and clarify what I am actually trying to say here ......
I will say that I miss the M/s relationship. And I am confused by this now because I can see that there is a link with childhood events and wanting to please a man that takes full control and decides for me everything. I think there is something special to be had from this relationship but I can also see the unhealthiness of it too. So I am very confused. No doubt like everything clarity will come with discussion. I welcome input but I am not sure where to get it from.
I considered starting a blog especially for that subject and keep the two parts of me separate. But I am whole and all these things are a part of me. I do not want to deny any truths despite the embarrassment and shame I would feel should people I know read this. It is deeply personal. I guess not everyone exploits themself in this way, sharing their sexuality. And yet surely there is so much to learn from each other by openness and removing the shame of experimenting and self discovery in this very intimate zone.
The problem is I guess that it also leaves an opening for more people that take advantage of vulnerability. And that is where it's so important for me to have boundaries.
I have more to write about matters here and will return to the subject when I next get a chance.
There is a potential for a busy day tomorrow.
Studying, walking and seeing SC in the early evening.
That might completely change my outlook of the M/s encounters I have had and my thoughts on it at this time. Gosh I am missing that.
Bliss
XX
I was able to speak with AB about a sense in me that she is irascible and what was this related to? She shared with me her concerns and difficulties and I was able to listen. It's so horrid that she feels she has to apologise when actually as a friend I value that she feels she can talk with me quite candidly.
I read something today about the M/s sexual interaction that really made me think about myself. I realised that in this type of relationship I do not have to feel at all ashamed of any sexual activity. The choices are all taken out of my control and the acts are to please someone else. The pleasure I get is actually secondary and yet that actually leaves me free to feel the pleasure. Does that make any sense?
So in fact there is no responsibility with me at all.
There is something important in this and I will expand further and also try and clarify what I am actually trying to say here ......
I will say that I miss the M/s relationship. And I am confused by this now because I can see that there is a link with childhood events and wanting to please a man that takes full control and decides for me everything. I think there is something special to be had from this relationship but I can also see the unhealthiness of it too. So I am very confused. No doubt like everything clarity will come with discussion. I welcome input but I am not sure where to get it from.
I considered starting a blog especially for that subject and keep the two parts of me separate. But I am whole and all these things are a part of me. I do not want to deny any truths despite the embarrassment and shame I would feel should people I know read this. It is deeply personal. I guess not everyone exploits themself in this way, sharing their sexuality. And yet surely there is so much to learn from each other by openness and removing the shame of experimenting and self discovery in this very intimate zone.
The problem is I guess that it also leaves an opening for more people that take advantage of vulnerability. And that is where it's so important for me to have boundaries.
I have more to write about matters here and will return to the subject when I next get a chance.
There is a potential for a busy day tomorrow.
Studying, walking and seeing SC in the early evening.
That might completely change my outlook of the M/s encounters I have had and my thoughts on it at this time. Gosh I am missing that.
Bliss
XX
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