My friend wrote to me explaining how she was feeling and this is what I wrote back but decided not to send. I thought I was almost being prescriptive and whingeing on about me rather than listening to her.
It sounds so much like menopausal symptoms when you describe your periods - as you know I truly have had some tricky times. All I know is that I needed to talk about it and receive understanding as it felt scary, I have been overwhelmed with a sense of change and loss, and at times been utterly irrational and changeable in my mood. I have needed reassurance.
As always if you need a listening ear I can listen. I truly think my symptoms have reduced recently although notice a thick head and loss of words still. I think the sense of loss and fear about feeling older is also less. I'm more acceptant of the changes even though I have moments still of battling.
There has only been one way through it and that's head first.
Am I right in thinking you believe also that some of your symptoms are hormonal menopausal?
I absolutely am convinced that all the shifts contributed and magnified mental health problems - I oscillated from highs to lows much quicker than I am now and they were much more extreme than recently. My appetite, oh my gosh I've never craved food like it before and I've been a foody since very young.
Often I had a sort of detachment and with it just could not make sense of much at all.
Not to mention aches and pains and complete energy drains.
I am definitely starting to pull through these symptoms now if that gives any hope at all.
Many many times I just could not see a point in living if this was going to be it! I didn't think I'd ever pull through it you see.
I was so so scared sometimes it felt too much to endure but thankfully I learnt with Stuart and oddly enough through my studies of psychosocial identity about stages of age change and reconciling the shift into a different stage. I didn't want to accept the changes as it felt like giving up. Funny thing is as the hormones are settling down again recently I feel more energised again and less decrepit.
People kept telling me that it would pass at some point but it all felt endless and I felt very alone with it all. I wanted others to talk to who would know what I was going through and understand. But so few people talk openly about the complexities and what seem endless problems.
I was in a fog for several years but think I am stepping through it thank goodness. It does pass even though I thought it was never going to.
And on the subject of friendship and my insecurity ...............
Good afternoon M
Just preparing my lunch and taking a break from my research for my assignment. I've not put any thoughts down in writing yet as I'm still researching yet should be at least half way through first draft according to schedule. Poop! I may already need an extension which disturbs me greatly considering the vast study loads this year. "I NEED MORE TIME", she shouted confused and dismayed.
I was thinking in bed last night about the feeling told off if spending time with other people and befuddled you are about this. Me too but getting some clarity perhaps. I'm completely aware it's my issue, so I hope you don't think I'm apportioning any blame with you.
I realised the feelings came over me yesterday amongst our emailing. I went through our emails rereading them to see what it was and I think it was with reference to this part of your email which I have copied and pasted and italicised to make differentiating simpler.
"I think may be you are living what I have always described as a reality for me - out of sight out of mind - that does not mean I care any less, as you are often in my mind, but you are probably 'closer' to those you speak to more or spend time with - which is how it is, well for me anyway, the people you see become like close (may be even family ??) . I think it would be weird if it wasn't like that. that is why we choose to spend time with people and it feels weird if I choose to spend time with people that I don't want to - like I don't know, an example - G, I decided not to spend time with her as the friendship was not working for me - I don't dislike her but I don't feel as much ease. I am not good with groups - never have been, but especially at mo, but then sometimes I am - it is very weird and it really depends who it is
With you and V and R I feel at ease with when I am with - yet if not with of course the closeness dissipates - well for me anyway - it doesn't mean it doesn't come back almost instantly with contact and seeing one another."
I was confused when you said - I am living what you've described as the reality for you - and then added that's how it is for you. You are not out of my mind on any day at all. I read that as it is me that is doing something that means I'm out of sight out of mind. Is it something I'm doing? If it's about spending time together isn't that both of us?
I'm not a good organiser that's for sure. And I always think you are a very good organiser. I think and correct me if I'm wrong you don't want to be the organiser all the time. And I can understand that so I take responsibility for not being good and therefore my part in less time together recently.
I'm also aware as I said before that I am exhausted after lengthy days with work and travel so midweek it's work, 1:1's after work, meetings and catching up with people en route i.e. AM and AB. And weekends are once again supposedly study time although once per month I am going to London for FA and taking in a gallery afterwards. If ever you feel like meeting me after the meeting I would love that. I think when I asked last you were hectic with your studies.
Talking of which I have just confirmed that I will go to FA on Sat 10th March and afterwards plan to see Picasso exhibition at Tate Britain. Annie is free and is going up earlier in the day to see the Lucien Freud exhibition. Would you be free to meet after my meeting, about 15:00, and go on to see the Picasso exhibition? It would be lovely if you could.
What I interpret when you comment on me spending time with others and that they are then close to me, is that you think I am excluding you somehow. Which of course is not the case at all. Is that what you think or all in my head? I think I marry this with occasions in the past when I have felt excluded with others doing things together without me. Am I right in thinking that there have been similar occasions in the past that have affected you too? I sense that you are affected by these sorts of things and withdraw from those people. I'm scared you'll be less friendly or withdraw from me.
So when I read the above section of your email, I felt that fear. I hope you'll understand that I'm not saying that's how it is necessarily, only you can tell me how it actually is for you, but that's what I fear.
So when I read your email saying that for you when people are out of sight then you are not as close, it scares me. As that is not the case for me. I am close with some people whether I am in regular contact or not. And by close I mean that I consider them my very good and best friends and that includes you. I used to think I had to be BEST friends with a particular friend to keep them but now I realise I can a number of best friends. Over longer periods of time then this dwindles with some people I am aware. As closeness in friendship I believe needs to be nurtured and requires effort but then there are some friends who when I met up with despite time and distance it's just the same as ever and I hold them in my heart the same as ever.
And then of course it depends what you and I mean by closeness. Close in proximity is obvious and for some reason it feels as if we are further apart in that way and yet in all probability we are either nearer or at least the same distance apart as before. I think my working in Woking area makes it feel further away.
But in metaphysical terms (for want of a better word), I feel as close as ever. You know a lot about me, probably more than anyone else, through our history and supporting me through situations or events and being alongside my changing (hopefully) self. I feel at ease in your company even if there are differences of opinion. I learn through you on all sorts of levels. I laugh with you, I discuss with you, I debate ideas with you, I value your thoughts and opinions even when I don't like what I'm hearing because it's challenging my desires, especially when they are not the healthiest of choices.
Sometimes I feel scared of judgement and that inhibits me at times. I need to listen to that fear - sometimes it will be unjust fear of judgement and my codependance. I need to be able to have the worth to just be myself and that is ongong work for me. Other times it'll be because something I'm doing or being is inappropriate and I know you'll comment. I am working on changing this little by little. I am more practised at ducking and diving, it's been a survival technique that has become skewed and destructive over the many years.
I hope you and other friends can forgive me this. It's a work in progress and certainly not perfection.
I have to trust that people who like and love me will stick around despite my shortcomings so long as I'm trying to change. I also am aware that people get on and off the bus.
My hope is that you and I will be friends eternally - this and the next life whatever form that takes if it has a form at all. That's how important you are to me.
And there are times when I really, really miss you and other times I just know you are there. We've had some incredible times together. I don't mean mini adventures necessarily, I mean just living. And that makes me smile. I wouldn't want to lose that if at all possible.
I also get concerned coz I know there are times when you don't want to mix with people at all. You are one of the few people that even when I am my lowest I can sit and enjoy being with you, whether I feel slobbish or not. I'm not sure that it is the same the other way around. But would hope that you know I could be.
Anyway the crux of the matter for me is the fear of being abandoned. I just have to trust that our friendship is real and that means abandonment is unlikely. But then again trust that if for any reason you decided to be absent for any reason that is OK too. I don't like the idea of the latter and would prefer to trust that our friendship is deep regardless of where or what we are doing. Some friendships in my experience can be as strong across distance and time and that is what I have with you. I guess I don't feel as safe with that from you when I read that closeness is less when not so much together. That's my fear I suppose, and I practice accepting that just as it is but remain me anyway. My tendency would be to then defend myself from being hurt and withdraw. Or demand assurances. But I do neither today and simply accept (fears ebb and fall so I need to practice consistency regardless of the ever changing feelings).
I am aware that I feel particularly vulnerable right now and that probably means that everything suddenly feels vulnerable. I am looking for reassurance I suppose and need to get that from myself and my sense of the Universe. Things are as they are and I'm OK and so is everything. Total acceptance and trust. Then all the insecurities just slde away.
Right I've had lunch and feel very sleepy indeed. I think I may take a short nap before re-starting my research. I'm not getting very far very quickly.
It's quite a dry assignment - comparing and contrasting but the exciting bit is saying how far the theories really go to answering questions about attention.
Cognitive psychology is interesting but also not - I can see why the application of cognitive psychology as a therapy feels so dry to me too.
I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this and I also hope that nothing I say is offensive, that's absolutely not my intention. I have written off the cuff, there was some preemptive thinking and I'm sure my realisations will evolve from this point and my fears alter and disappear with time too. I guess this is more adjustment to change which I don't deal well with until I start acknowledging it all.
Thanks for reading all of this - if you've got this far ......
--
And on the subject of friendship and my insecurity ...............
Good afternoon M
Just preparing my lunch and taking a break from my research for my assignment. I've not put any thoughts down in writing yet as I'm still researching yet should be at least half way through first draft according to schedule. Poop! I may already need an extension which disturbs me greatly considering the vast study loads this year. "I NEED MORE TIME", she shouted confused and dismayed.
I was thinking in bed last night about the feeling told off if spending time with other people and befuddled you are about this. Me too but getting some clarity perhaps. I'm completely aware it's my issue, so I hope you don't think I'm apportioning any blame with you.
I realised the feelings came over me yesterday amongst our emailing. I went through our emails rereading them to see what it was and I think it was with reference to this part of your email which I have copied and pasted and italicised to make differentiating simpler.
"I think may be you are living what I have always described as a reality for me - out of sight out of mind - that does not mean I care any less, as you are often in my mind, but you are probably 'closer' to those you speak to more or spend time with - which is how it is, well for me anyway, the people you see become like close (may be even family ??) . I think it would be weird if it wasn't like that. that is why we choose to spend time with people and it feels weird if I choose to spend time with people that I don't want to - like I don't know, an example - G, I decided not to spend time with her as the friendship was not working for me - I don't dislike her but I don't feel as much ease. I am not good with groups - never have been, but especially at mo, but then sometimes I am - it is very weird and it really depends who it is
With you and V and R I feel at ease with when I am with - yet if not with of course the closeness dissipates - well for me anyway - it doesn't mean it doesn't come back almost instantly with contact and seeing one another."
I was confused when you said - I am living what you've described as the reality for you - and then added that's how it is for you. You are not out of my mind on any day at all. I read that as it is me that is doing something that means I'm out of sight out of mind. Is it something I'm doing? If it's about spending time together isn't that both of us?
I'm not a good organiser that's for sure. And I always think you are a very good organiser. I think and correct me if I'm wrong you don't want to be the organiser all the time. And I can understand that so I take responsibility for not being good and therefore my part in less time together recently.
I'm also aware as I said before that I am exhausted after lengthy days with work and travel so midweek it's work, 1:1's after work, meetings and catching up with people en route i.e. AM and AB. And weekends are once again supposedly study time although once per month I am going to London for FA and taking in a gallery afterwards. If ever you feel like meeting me after the meeting I would love that. I think when I asked last you were hectic with your studies.
Talking of which I have just confirmed that I will go to FA on Sat 10th March and afterwards plan to see Picasso exhibition at Tate Britain. Annie is free and is going up earlier in the day to see the Lucien Freud exhibition. Would you be free to meet after my meeting, about 15:00, and go on to see the Picasso exhibition? It would be lovely if you could.
What I interpret when you comment on me spending time with others and that they are then close to me, is that you think I am excluding you somehow. Which of course is not the case at all. Is that what you think or all in my head? I think I marry this with occasions in the past when I have felt excluded with others doing things together without me. Am I right in thinking that there have been similar occasions in the past that have affected you too? I sense that you are affected by these sorts of things and withdraw from those people. I'm scared you'll be less friendly or withdraw from me.
So when I read the above section of your email, I felt that fear. I hope you'll understand that I'm not saying that's how it is necessarily, only you can tell me how it actually is for you, but that's what I fear.
So when I read your email saying that for you when people are out of sight then you are not as close, it scares me. As that is not the case for me. I am close with some people whether I am in regular contact or not. And by close I mean that I consider them my very good and best friends and that includes you. I used to think I had to be BEST friends with a particular friend to keep them but now I realise I can a number of best friends. Over longer periods of time then this dwindles with some people I am aware. As closeness in friendship I believe needs to be nurtured and requires effort but then there are some friends who when I met up with despite time and distance it's just the same as ever and I hold them in my heart the same as ever.
And then of course it depends what you and I mean by closeness. Close in proximity is obvious and for some reason it feels as if we are further apart in that way and yet in all probability we are either nearer or at least the same distance apart as before. I think my working in Woking area makes it feel further away.
But in metaphysical terms (for want of a better word), I feel as close as ever. You know a lot about me, probably more than anyone else, through our history and supporting me through situations or events and being alongside my changing (hopefully) self. I feel at ease in your company even if there are differences of opinion. I learn through you on all sorts of levels. I laugh with you, I discuss with you, I debate ideas with you, I value your thoughts and opinions even when I don't like what I'm hearing because it's challenging my desires, especially when they are not the healthiest of choices.
Sometimes I feel scared of judgement and that inhibits me at times. I need to listen to that fear - sometimes it will be unjust fear of judgement and my codependance. I need to be able to have the worth to just be myself and that is ongong work for me. Other times it'll be because something I'm doing or being is inappropriate and I know you'll comment. I am working on changing this little by little. I am more practised at ducking and diving, it's been a survival technique that has become skewed and destructive over the many years.
I hope you and other friends can forgive me this. It's a work in progress and certainly not perfection.
I have to trust that people who like and love me will stick around despite my shortcomings so long as I'm trying to change. I also am aware that people get on and off the bus.
My hope is that you and I will be friends eternally - this and the next life whatever form that takes if it has a form at all. That's how important you are to me.
And there are times when I really, really miss you and other times I just know you are there. We've had some incredible times together. I don't mean mini adventures necessarily, I mean just living. And that makes me smile. I wouldn't want to lose that if at all possible.
I also get concerned coz I know there are times when you don't want to mix with people at all. You are one of the few people that even when I am my lowest I can sit and enjoy being with you, whether I feel slobbish or not. I'm not sure that it is the same the other way around. But would hope that you know I could be.
Anyway the crux of the matter for me is the fear of being abandoned. I just have to trust that our friendship is real and that means abandonment is unlikely. But then again trust that if for any reason you decided to be absent for any reason that is OK too. I don't like the idea of the latter and would prefer to trust that our friendship is deep regardless of where or what we are doing. Some friendships in my experience can be as strong across distance and time and that is what I have with you. I guess I don't feel as safe with that from you when I read that closeness is less when not so much together. That's my fear I suppose, and I practice accepting that just as it is but remain me anyway. My tendency would be to then defend myself from being hurt and withdraw. Or demand assurances. But I do neither today and simply accept (fears ebb and fall so I need to practice consistency regardless of the ever changing feelings).
I am aware that I feel particularly vulnerable right now and that probably means that everything suddenly feels vulnerable. I am looking for reassurance I suppose and need to get that from myself and my sense of the Universe. Things are as they are and I'm OK and so is everything. Total acceptance and trust. Then all the insecurities just slde away.
Right I've had lunch and feel very sleepy indeed. I think I may take a short nap before re-starting my research. I'm not getting very far very quickly.
It's quite a dry assignment - comparing and contrasting but the exciting bit is saying how far the theories really go to answering questions about attention.
Cognitive psychology is interesting but also not - I can see why the application of cognitive psychology as a therapy feels so dry to me too.
I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this and I also hope that nothing I say is offensive, that's absolutely not my intention. I have written off the cuff, there was some preemptive thinking and I'm sure my realisations will evolve from this point and my fears alter and disappear with time too. I guess this is more adjustment to change which I don't deal well with until I start acknowledging it all.
Thanks for reading all of this - if you've got this far ......
--
Bliss
XX
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