Proud
adjective
Well L raised this for me at the meeting last evening. She is very critical of herelf which was another story. I often hear her agonise over either not knowing what to say or afterwards not being articulate enough. How I relate. Comparing myself with others and worrying that I'll have said something that's wrong, not getting it right, not having the words or knowledge to truly express what's going on inside of me. And yet I sit bak and think L is so full of knowledge and thought and creativity and experiences. She raises interest from within me, creates thought in me. She thinks she has to know and get it right I think and yet that's developing within her through her incredible curiosity. I get it though. I want to have a better vocabularly, to be more conscious and be able to communicate my consciousness. Listening to L has made me realise that that has been growing over the years. What i used not to know I have been gradully learning through experience. For example words. I have a terrible memory for vocabulary and yet I'd love to have an extensive vocabulary to really be able to communicate the nuances of what I'm thinking.
But I realise that my vocabulary has been developing. My sentence structure can leave me limited as can the extent of my vocabulary. However there is development. And I think word meanings real are to be exprerienced n ot just learnt parrot fashion for me. Some people can learn and know. I have to learn through experience and example. At least I'm beginning to know my best learning methods. I didn;t have a clue even a month or so ago. I have read nad read about these sort of things but not realy had a clue. If soeone says something I need specific examples to get clarity of the meaning. There we are. Progress.
So when L raised the subject of feelig proud versus the dangers of pride, it has evoked some thought in me. People ay pride is something to be avoided. I woner if it truly is to be avoided at all costs. I think there are extremes that can be actually devastating. And those extremes to my knowledge at this time are the ways I knwo them to manifest within me. Either I am worthless and lower than shit on another persons shoe, even my own shoe at times. Or I am superior and egotistical. Even as I write egotistical I wonder what the actual meaning of this is.
You see if you look at the definitions of pride it has many positive connotations. It is a feeling of self respect and dignity. Even the word superiority is presented with a positive tilt. Whereas I write superiority with the additional meaning of arrogance. And superiority means to me feeling above others and therefore comapring myself higher than others. This is not healthy for me. This makes me special and then all sorts of other defects can creep in, such as s ense of then deserving and others less deserving. I think pride is dangerous when I start comparing myself in any shape or form.
That can happen at work. Often I am comparing myself and come off worst. I am lowly and undeserving. Everyone is better than me. Nothing I do is good enough or I am worse than i was before. There is this overriding negativity to beat myself down with. But there are times when I feel that it's because of me that good things have happened. Or it's me that is the best. Or it's all about me indeed. Self centredness you see comes from pride.
Oh darn it I need to leave for my trek towards London. off to FA. I love going to the meeting and today I am expecting to meet L from Hastings. I speak with her on the phone and have a picture in my head of how she will look. I have a stong feeling I am giong to eyt again be very wrong about. Voices and circumstances draw on previous expreience and then I create pictures. Everyone does I think. I imagne she's about my age but actually I suspect she's younger. I imagine she will have dark brown curly shoulder length hair. And be a bit rounded but of course she won't be now as she's well over her 90 days. She must be at or close to target. Oh I imagne her to be about 5'2" ish. And t dress quite mumsy. All this comes from a voice, her interests and that she is a mum.
I really have to leave.
Bliss ... to be continued ...
egotistical
adjective
adjective
1. feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something regarded as highly honorable or creditable to oneself (often followed by of, an infinitive, or a clause).
2. having, proceeding from, or showing a high opinion of one's own dignity, importance, or superiority.
3. having or showing self-respect or self-esteem.
4. highly gratifying to the feelings or self-esteem: It was a proud day for him when his son entered college.
5. highly honorable or creditable: a proud achievement.
noun
Pride
1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
2. the state or feeling of being proud.
3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.
4. pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself: civic pride.
5. something that causes a person or persons to be proud: His art collection was the pride of the family.
Well L raised this for me at the meeting last evening. She is very critical of herelf which was another story. I often hear her agonise over either not knowing what to say or afterwards not being articulate enough. How I relate. Comparing myself with others and worrying that I'll have said something that's wrong, not getting it right, not having the words or knowledge to truly express what's going on inside of me. And yet I sit bak and think L is so full of knowledge and thought and creativity and experiences. She raises interest from within me, creates thought in me. She thinks she has to know and get it right I think and yet that's developing within her through her incredible curiosity. I get it though. I want to have a better vocabularly, to be more conscious and be able to communicate my consciousness. Listening to L has made me realise that that has been growing over the years. What i used not to know I have been gradully learning through experience. For example words. I have a terrible memory for vocabulary and yet I'd love to have an extensive vocabulary to really be able to communicate the nuances of what I'm thinking.
But I realise that my vocabulary has been developing. My sentence structure can leave me limited as can the extent of my vocabulary. However there is development. And I think word meanings real are to be exprerienced n ot just learnt parrot fashion for me. Some people can learn and know. I have to learn through experience and example. At least I'm beginning to know my best learning methods. I didn;t have a clue even a month or so ago. I have read nad read about these sort of things but not realy had a clue. If soeone says something I need specific examples to get clarity of the meaning. There we are. Progress.
So when L raised the subject of feelig proud versus the dangers of pride, it has evoked some thought in me. People ay pride is something to be avoided. I woner if it truly is to be avoided at all costs. I think there are extremes that can be actually devastating. And those extremes to my knowledge at this time are the ways I knwo them to manifest within me. Either I am worthless and lower than shit on another persons shoe, even my own shoe at times. Or I am superior and egotistical. Even as I write egotistical I wonder what the actual meaning of this is.
You see if you look at the definitions of pride it has many positive connotations. It is a feeling of self respect and dignity. Even the word superiority is presented with a positive tilt. Whereas I write superiority with the additional meaning of arrogance. And superiority means to me feeling above others and therefore comapring myself higher than others. This is not healthy for me. This makes me special and then all sorts of other defects can creep in, such as s ense of then deserving and others less deserving. I think pride is dangerous when I start comparing myself in any shape or form.
That can happen at work. Often I am comparing myself and come off worst. I am lowly and undeserving. Everyone is better than me. Nothing I do is good enough or I am worse than i was before. There is this overriding negativity to beat myself down with. But there are times when I feel that it's because of me that good things have happened. Or it's me that is the best. Or it's all about me indeed. Self centredness you see comes from pride.
Oh darn it I need to leave for my trek towards London. off to FA. I love going to the meeting and today I am expecting to meet L from Hastings. I speak with her on the phone and have a picture in my head of how she will look. I have a stong feeling I am giong to eyt again be very wrong about. Voices and circumstances draw on previous expreience and then I create pictures. Everyone does I think. I imagne she's about my age but actually I suspect she's younger. I imagine she will have dark brown curly shoulder length hair. And be a bit rounded but of course she won't be now as she's well over her 90 days. She must be at or close to target. Oh I imagne her to be about 5'2" ish. And t dress quite mumsy. All this comes from a voice, her interests and that she is a mum.
I really have to leave.
Bliss ... to be continued ...
egotistical
adjective
1. pertaining to or characterized by egotism.
2. given to talking about oneself; vain; boastful; opinionated.
3. indifferent to the well-being of others; selfish.
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