As I started on my journey home, finally leaving work at around 19:40 last night I felt a surge of rage run through me. I was angry that I HAD to stay late if I wanted to hand over a clean slate before starting my long weekend of leave. I am so glad to not have to be going in for 4 days. I need this break as I am tired of it all. There were a couple of days when I felt very detached and wasn't sure of my irritation with people. As it turns out the 1:1's that I was actually worried about my irritation with were A, OK. But there is one client I am irritated by and feel shut down from being able to express the process. I haven't even been able to see the process.
Anyway this surge of rage. But I find it ugly too as then internally I was having a rant which fuels the rage. Thank goodness I was so tired that I was more like a wet rag by the time I picked up JB. He had kindly lent me his car whilst my was being serviced. I was so tired I really was limp in my body and I managed only to say that I was exhausted and angry about working late because of the lack of staff and over working culture I now find myself in. And then talking about it this morning, B asked if that wasn't actually only the fear that I'm going to be walked all over?
Yup! That's exactly it. I'm angry with myself for not being totally boundaried and just leaving it all undone - telling that it's all done but leaving it anyway.
What I didn't is hand a recovery plan to one client. I didn't do any of the outstanding discharge summaries. I didn't have a 1:1 with one client about boundaries (that's funny really isn't it?). I didn't collect my towels from the laundry room - I'll call this morning and speak with Jackie because otherwise they are likely to go missing). I didn't get to say goodbye to Peter. I didn't get to handover my clients.
It's naff.
So anyway it's important to step aside from the resentment. I need to accept that I chose to stay and make sure things were clearer for SH tomorrow. And that I had handed over to LK some of the information. I told her the client didn't have a recovery plan. But she will forget - that wasn't important to her.
Stepping away isn't so easy.
It is the way it is right now. LK has a culture of over working.
I need to find a way of accepting that rather than resenting it. The resentment really is with myself when I examine it.
I resent the fact that I didn't say NO and handover all the things that aren't yet done. And another thing is that I didn't want to leave things totally undone in case of any comeback and to cover my back but also try and leave less things for Sharon today.
It was my choice not to leave as soon as I'd done CD's notes. It as my choice not to dot he notes after the sessions at the time the previous day. It would just mean that that departure time was later but that's all part of the sessions I suppose. Hmmm
Ad I was eager to get my car delivered ad collected each evening. So I made choices.
OK I can step aside of blaming and accept my choice. So now I have time off.
My supervision by telephone isn't happening as agreed at 10 am. I will go for a walk and come back to start some studying at 11 for an hour. Take a break by going to the bank and post office and then lunch and then more studying this afternoon.
I forgot to email the counselling section of the dissertation for accreditation so I will have to leave that now until next week.
In the meantime I can finalise the other sections and they do not need to be as elaborate as I have currently got them.
Bliss
XX
Anyway this surge of rage. But I find it ugly too as then internally I was having a rant which fuels the rage. Thank goodness I was so tired that I was more like a wet rag by the time I picked up JB. He had kindly lent me his car whilst my was being serviced. I was so tired I really was limp in my body and I managed only to say that I was exhausted and angry about working late because of the lack of staff and over working culture I now find myself in. And then talking about it this morning, B asked if that wasn't actually only the fear that I'm going to be walked all over?
Yup! That's exactly it. I'm angry with myself for not being totally boundaried and just leaving it all undone - telling that it's all done but leaving it anyway.
What I didn't is hand a recovery plan to one client. I didn't do any of the outstanding discharge summaries. I didn't have a 1:1 with one client about boundaries (that's funny really isn't it?). I didn't collect my towels from the laundry room - I'll call this morning and speak with Jackie because otherwise they are likely to go missing). I didn't get to say goodbye to Peter. I didn't get to handover my clients.
It's naff.
So anyway it's important to step aside from the resentment. I need to accept that I chose to stay and make sure things were clearer for SH tomorrow. And that I had handed over to LK some of the information. I told her the client didn't have a recovery plan. But she will forget - that wasn't important to her.
Stepping away isn't so easy.
It is the way it is right now. LK has a culture of over working.
I need to find a way of accepting that rather than resenting it. The resentment really is with myself when I examine it.
I resent the fact that I didn't say NO and handover all the things that aren't yet done. And another thing is that I didn't want to leave things totally undone in case of any comeback and to cover my back but also try and leave less things for Sharon today.
It was my choice not to leave as soon as I'd done CD's notes. It as my choice not to dot he notes after the sessions at the time the previous day. It would just mean that that departure time was later but that's all part of the sessions I suppose. Hmmm
Ad I was eager to get my car delivered ad collected each evening. So I made choices.
OK I can step aside of blaming and accept my choice. So now I have time off.
My supervision by telephone isn't happening as agreed at 10 am. I will go for a walk and come back to start some studying at 11 for an hour. Take a break by going to the bank and post office and then lunch and then more studying this afternoon.
I forgot to email the counselling section of the dissertation for accreditation so I will have to leave that now until next week.
In the meantime I can finalise the other sections and they do not need to be as elaborate as I have currently got them.
Bliss
XX
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