M/s

Naked in Nadu,
Now!
He commanded.
I obeyed
Chitting and chatting
He touched me
Mind flitting, gaze following
Gossiping she said, then I said
And he said. so she did ...
He persisted
I....................?
Control turned to power
Master posessed me.
My sex fell into the palm of his hand
He subtly squeezed
I knew I was all his
Eyes filled with animal sex, turned into his
I gasped as electric sex pulsed to every nerve
My body leaning towards him
Desire in my nipples, my skin,
Erogenised, alert, take me.
He slipped his fingers inside me
I moaned
Feeling my sex dripping shamefully
Silence girl!
Stretching me apart
Squeezing tighter and pulsating
Don't cum!
Holding on
Silently pleading
Free my sex Master
Eyelids fluttering, close to ecstasy
Hold my gaze, girl!
Imploring into his eyes.
Cum girl, cum!
Relaxing is fingers, curling them into my orgasm
Gasping
He warned again,
Not a sound girl!

Sunrise through the Fog

Someone opened a window in Heaven.



Charabang horsepower huffing and spluttering,
Climbing up the steep hill
Dragging through the grey fog,
And weighted with the heavy atmosphere.

Bursting out of it
Weightless and free
Inhaling crisp morning air after sucking a mint
Wide-eyed awe of the sunrise skies
A pastel palette brushed above the other side of the valley
An angel chorus touching my soul
The taste of pink sugar candy
Candy floss sweetness in the air
This moment savouring beyond time itself.
Maybe someone opened a window in Heaven?
Just before I plunged back into the depths
The thickness
And colourless day

Lots to write about. Very weary. I need to go away for some time

The frost this morning was not pretty, it was sheer. So sheer that there was not a niche or a cranny to be ale to get the ice scraper into to try and scrape my windows. It was dark when I left and foggy. What is lovely is that the sun is rising soon after I am underway. The days are beginning to stretch, gradually. Like a slow awakening stretch in bed. Gradually coming too, uncurling my arms and legs, feeling the stretch of my muscles and the lengthening of my bones until I am as long as I can possibly be.  

Anyway driving away from the village I was climbing one of the hills. As I emerged, as if in a slowed moment, above the fog on the top of the hill. There in front of me, a pastel sky.

I gasped the scene in and heard the arousing sound of the sunrise. Horns blowing, angels voices faintly carrying across the breeze. A sound so beautiful it actually is somewhere deep within. It was like a momentary glimpse into heaven. And then I plunged into the fog again.
Later during my journey the fog was more like an opaque veil of mist. I wondered how ......?


This evening I was later leaving work. A 1:1 with Tigger. He has no idea what an incredibly caring guy he is.
And then I spoke with the father of a young woman I assessed today. Shortly after she called me herself and due to me getting a deal on prices, she can come into treatment. By gosh she needs help. By gosh is she going to be challenged.
By gosh was her story my own!!! I felt exhausted after the assessment. I felt like I wanted to cry with her.
I am partially surprised and partially relieved that she is coming in. The possible start of a new way forward and 20 years earlier than I did it myself.
I was pleased that as we are not so busy there was a way to negotiate a slightly reduced price and throw in some extra support for a phased departure - she will need it.
It was worth staying late for.
I have been interested by the dynamics at work amongst the team. I get a sense that SH struggles at the moment with me having been handed the baton. I think also there is some degree of unrest for her. I am not sure if all is well.
Oh do you know what? I am so tired of work I can;t be bothered to write it all out now. I have been seeing a lot. It's been very stressful indeed. No clients, few enquiries, pressure knowing that the senior management team are expecting results??? Phew hard work. Certainty once again that I do not want to return to management. What I have managed to get across is that I really would like my appraisal. Although there are supposedly no increases this year for cost of living I would like to propose that there is a recognition for the extra role I take on in PD's absence. I don't do it begrudgingly, in fact I like that I can have a go now and again. But it would be nice to get some financial recognition. After all we are paid a poor salary anyway for the work we do in my opinion.

It was very lovely to know that JH will always love me. Sad too as it seems to me that it fades into a general love of people. That is my thoughts of what it is. I become special as me not special to JH.
Of course I want to be extra special to JH as I feel so strongly. But I am very aware that it is not how it is. I said that I do really appreciate the love and the friendship. That it is good for me to be able to embrace that. Just that sometimes it is difficult as I hurt. I really hope that someday JH will be able to trust and know that I do not judge or blame. JH had said that he wonders about pain - emotional pain. He pondered whether thoughts create trouble? (Only if you let the emotions turn into trouble in my opinion)
In my opinion and understanding through my own changes and training, emotions are usually the result of thoughts evoked through situation, events, interactions with people, places, things - our thoughts generate emotional responses. Of course the thinking could very well be fraught with dysfunction from the past. But gradually as I become more self aware I am able to little by little untangle old lessons and messages and feel the emotions of today related with what is happening now. What I also have to be aware of is how I react to my emotions. Emotions are human and for me I need to acknowledge them. None are right, none are wrong. They are what they are. I need not to suppress or repress them and then have there wherewithal not to simply react on them. of course I do. I have shortcomings. But more and more I am allowing myself to become human and wholesome and thank goodness I therefore have emotional response to life and everything in it.
Its at that point I can think and rationalise and choose my behaviour and attitude, rationalise my emotions with long held beliefs and challenge those beliefs. Then and only then can I choose how I next step - BUT I am still a baby. When I hurt for example I become defensive. I want things to be different. I don't want to hurt anymore. I very much regret that JH felt so "?" I am not sure how he would describe it - but he was affected by my reaction to the feelings evoked my his actions etc etc etc.
Some people may make these assessments and rationalisations all very easily and smoothly. Well I just don;t I need to be aware and am not always. I am perfectly imperfect.  I am also aware that I am a sensitive person. I actually am OK with this. It means that I feel strongly and at times can be overwhelmed which isn't so helpful. I just need time to unpick the feelings within the cup that's overflowing.
And I become more aware that who I am and how I am is not for everyone. But all I can be is me and celebrate that. There are many qualities I am pleased to say I have. I never want to forget thought that I have much to work on and much I want to change. Ever growing. I am willing and when I am not hurting so much I welcome the experiences of life's encounters as every moment is an opportunity to develop from.
So yes I hurt! It will pass. It's currently like a trudge up a steep hill. Enduring the drain of energy with each step. I know that it will pass and then I will be able to once again free roll down the other side - wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
- JH said he didn't know what to say. I am not sure to what part, perhaps the hurting. The thing is it's not needed anyway. Things are as they are. I miss our intimacy. I miss being a couple. I miss the idea of a future with him. I get tearful at this loss. I feel upset about some of the things that happened. But I do not blame at all.
I was not making a big deal of the hurting just that I like to hear the love and friendship but at the same time it still rubs the soreness of all that I hoped for between us and is not possible. And that I just need a moment sometimes to compose myself and remember that his love and friendship is that and not what I wanted it to be.
All is perfectly OK.
I wanted to keep a record of the texts today as it really is the changes and calming that I feel with every day. Another step towards the brow of the hill.
I realise it's not perfect - in an ideal world I would be able to do all of this and more in one swoop and not have to go through all the process. At the same time I would miss all the learning and growing of the process. So much can be missed in speed. Even though there is exhilaration in speed.

I truly hope that some day JH will have trust in me when I said I was not running. The staying still though has had to change it's shape as other things have changed around me.

It's all OK. Even the hurting. Brings tears to me and feel the hurt deep in my heart as I write it but it's OK

Bliss
XX

Rays of Hope

You're the kind of person, Bliss, who saves so much time every month with wise decisions, creative thoughts, and simple kindness, that if you were anyone else, you'd toot your own horn, take the next week off, and stop feeling guilty for not doing more.
Really...
The Universe



Last night (Sunday) I dreamt that i got into bed with my mum. I snuggled up to her and I think we chatted. I used to love that. I would cuddle my mums arm and breathe in scent of mum. I loved her smell. I loved her cuddles. I loved and still do love my mum. I miss her every single day of my life.
I am very scared for my cousin and so so sad to hear my Aunts agony. Higher Power I know I cannot wish her to live. I know this is in your hands. It just seems so damned unfair. She is 41. She has 3 very young and vulnerable little girls who love and need her. And her husband - I don't know him but I am sure this agony for him too.
Higher Power I realise I am not to know the reasons why but it sure seems strange to me. I maybe some day will understand. But I still find it difficult to reconcile why bad things happen to good people and innocent by-standers too. Help me to understand please?

I am grateful today
for the cerise sky I saw this evening
for the sound of chuckles and laughter tonight
for friendship
for moments of peace of mind
for love
for memories
for experiences
for LouLou
for having met my mum
for iPhone (ha ha)
for the wonder of technology
for income through employment
for an opportunity to meet some inspiring people every day of my life so far
for memories
for today
for Jupiter
for the moon
for life itself
for awe and wonder
for intuition
for healing
for music


Bliss
x

Making a round window to the outside world

http://artisnotdead.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html

Tilda Swanson

Nick Knight



What an amazing world this is - I was feeling a little down even a lot down as I left work. So I called a friend. We had such a lovely. gentle and warm talk. We laughed. I had infront of me breathtaking skies. The very deepest cerise sky. Suddenly I felt serenity wash over me and through me. Thank goodness for friendship. Thank goodness for the willingness to keep putting the action in. Thank goodness for Higher Power.






Higher Power is around me in so many forms.
Soothing me
Briefly bringing me relief from my hurting heart.
Feeling warmth and serenity
My heart beating strongly
The love that I feel
And with a smile instead of a frown
No tears in this moment of bliss
An instant of not longing
Simply love
Thank you God


Bliss


XX

Girly chit chats

From Bliss to DA -DO you love each other do you think? What about being in love? This may be too personal and I am not prying. Just interested. I have felt real love for JH but on discovering dishonesty, the love has brought with it at times pain and anger. What's worse is that I kept on believing him when he said he was doing this differently etc. and each time some another lie would become apparent in some peculiar manner. It had become so so painful. The fun and easiness seemed to be getting depleted for both of us I think. But I continued to believe in the love and wanting to work through and beyond. I have become confused. I would like to be loved and to love.
 I have had a series of relationships. In fact at points in the past I rarely gave myself time to get over the first before meeting the next. And to be honest DA have not always acted in ways that today I would consider decent  - as I got deeper and deeper into my own chaos with addiction I crossed my principles and values which in fact compounded my self-despair and contributed to my justification to "use" more. So I have been to a very dark side of me, a side I never did like. I don't believe that one is subjected then to a lifetime of punishment when changing and being more true to myself but at times I have wondered if there is some come-uppance and I am being made to feel this pain. I really don't hold that to be true in my heart. I do not believe in a punishing Higher Power. When there is punishment involved it shrieks to me of my father and brutality.
I did actually meet and have relationships with some incredibly wonderful and  decent people but don't notice at the time. And then there were others that were as low in principles and morals and attitude. I got lower and lower.
I have wondered if humans can be together for a lifetime or is this some delusional religious rule that was imposed. Mind you I was watching the BBC documentary The Human Planet and there are people there that commit to a lifetime. I also saw a sort of controlled infidelity amongst a particular community in Niger. I found it fascinating as well as being interested in the psychological views.
Maybe that's a contributing problem  - as a psychologist and therapist I have a lot of theory and questioning. I don't actually believe this to be true as I know nothing.  But I do find human beings so fascinating!!!

I see some couples who seem to me to be totally in love still and know each other so well but are not owning each other, simply two people together respectfully. I see others who clearly can't abide each other. I see others who sometimes it's OK but communication is not on the agenda or even togetherness. I see some who are just in a permanent state of anger. And others who find ways to make it work between them in various ways - that sounds like love to me too.
What do you think about all of this DA. Love, in love, togetherness etc. When I am an observer I do have a real interest to know what it is that's going on.
Anyway I will be patient "younger" DA. I trust that if I am to meet or have met the person who I am compatible with then it will be evident. In the meantime I am very OK with me (except too fat right now :) )I get these menopause symptoms and I have no self management with this!!!!! It is a very annoying pattern I cannot seem to break.
DA its lovely having you in my life once again. You are a lovely person - did you know that?

DA to Bliss: Thanks Bliss. I watch Human Planet too and I think that the less you have in life the more you make out of it. Some of these people live in small isolated communities that for most people would be unbearable -but these people are so happy. They live simple uncomplicated lives. They work hard and relax with family and friends at the end of the day - simple. The whole community comes together very week to enjoy themselves in the social club. They might not have accumulated any money - so what. Their family will look after them in their old age. What would they spend it on anyway? I think we have complicated our lives with false ideals. Keep things simple and be happy.
Love. yes, I do love AA very much even though sometimes I could strangle him. It is not a passionate love - we both work hard and at the end of the day we are knackered and just want to go to sleep. I find it hard to relax and if I am worried about something at work etc. I can't just switch off. AA keeps his worries to himself - he doesn't tell me when he's stressed. He's not a 'talk about your feelings' sort of person. I suppose it is a 'being together' that we are both comfortable with and are used to. We're happy. I trust him.

I am really enjoying being in touch with you and the others. We still have that 'childish' sense of humour and I have a giggle everyday at the comments. I look forward to seeing you all and I bet there's not many old school friends that keep in touch like us. When I moved away from Farnham to Wales all the friends I had here were AA's friends apart from friends at work. So it is great to have some of my own :)
 
I suppose what AA and I have is a normal relationship for a couple who have been married for 20 years on April 6th.
 
Bliss to DA: Wow and amazing - "normal"?
DA please explain this concept of normal that I have absolutely no idea about. My relationships seem to be more unusual rather than abnormal - and by that I mean friendships - it's one of the things I like about them very often is their individual quirkiness. And the truth is I like things out of the ordinary - but that brings with it it's own issues perhaps. Want to know more about normal please????DA to Bliss: .

That's the 'thing' Bliss. There is no normal for 'everyone' just normal for you and your partner. If you are happy and comfortable in your relationship then it's not abnormal is it? Perfection is what we look for and it's something that just isn't there.

Bliss to DA: Mmmm yes I agree that perfection doesn't exist. Or rather that it exists but is elusive until death perhaps??? There are always things that can be improved upon. But without that making what is a disaster or even an I also think that it is something to be worked towards - probably never achieved but that means as we go along as individuals we can take inventory of ourselves - making adjustments when disappointed with self or if they way we impact on others has a negative affect that we also don't like. Sometimes I affect people but actually I am OK with how I am. At other times I do not like how I have behaved or an attitude I have adopted.

I think this can apply similarly within a relationship. There are two individuals and the third part of the relationship is the "us" part. And stopping to observe together how things are for each other and what might need some investment of time or thought etc is surely healthy to keep moving towards the best. Perhaps I am just weird? Some people say that it should just be easy - and I agree. I think wanting to observe and adjust and negotiate etc with the right person can just be easy. To me this is all intimacy - closeness and then the intimacy can move into all areas of the relationship - physical, emotional, and even spiritual (not in the religion sense of spiritual)
I have spent a lot of my life being dissatisfied with my lot and always looking for the next experience or wanting more or different. And I am much more level these days. It takes effort though and sometimes I get stuck in perfectionism. I need people around me to challenge that and ground me - which I know is a difficult task for the very strongest of them!!! I am not under any disillusion that I am an easy person some of the time.
Mmm just spouting some thoughts.
And how wonderful that you and AA have been married for 20 years this year. That is something to be very proud of - shows that you two do work at this thing called togetherness in all its unique shapes and forms.
Do you think you two have similar values and principles? Are there things that you have vehemently disagreed on but been able to agree to disagree?
I hope you continue to be comfortable with this conversation. I find it very interesting getting your very grounded perspective on things. I am not so centred I realise. - I imagine everyone who knows me would sigh with exasperation at that comment tee hee. Mind you most people I know are also off the wall at times - who isn't?

DA to Bliss:
If you can look back on something and not want to have changed anything about it, then I suppose it must have been 'perfect'. I don't think it's possible to have or want something and say it's perfect - things change and it might not be perfect tomorrow.


AA and me have not had to sit down and negotiate - I suppose we have never felt like we needed to. I don't like arguing, but that doesn't mean I'll back down. I stand up for my rights and sometimes you have to agree to disagree in a relationship. AA likes arguing, but over the years has come to know that doesn't work with me. I think about things a lot before I act on them. I am a firm believer that you should never go to bed on an argument/disagreement - you never know if those last words of anger before bed will be the last words you ever exchange.

If you are satisfied with who you are then you will be satisfied in a relationship. You have to learn to accept yourself - doesn't matter what went on in the past. You have grown and learnt lessons from it. Time to move on and be happy with you.
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Really interesting sharing of ideas and attitudes .....

Will ponder more on what I have gleaned through sharing with a friend. It's so interesting hearing from others with different experiences. I have been looking to change for some years now but realised that I didn't know what to change to and or how to change. Thank goodness for the fellowship - how that has initiated change and the opportunity to learn from so many other people - taking from different sources what looks to be what I would like. Always room for growth and ultimately to be more at ease with myself and therefore grow into this world as it is.
Working towards acceptance ......

Bliss
X

No longer a slave

Since my love JH has become more distanced, of course I have also been set aside as a slave.
I miss having a Master but somehow in trying to manage both love and my total slavery to him things have deteriorated. As teh loving relationship moved into complications so my Master was gone too.

As his slave I never expected anything at all. All I ever wanted was simply to please my Master, As much as I wanted to be the best I also was acutely aware that his business was not mine. If he wanted to talk to me about anything in his life, that was his prerogative. And I relished and cherished the opportunity for him to share with me, to feel special to him that he wanted to entrust me.

I miss my Master. I miss his control. I miss how his voice was filled with authority. I miss how he allowed me to cuddle up in him over the ether after he had utilised my body just how he desired.

Not only do I mourn the loss of my love, but I also grieve over the loss of my Master and all the incredible lessons I learnt through my submission to his power.
I feel a lot I have not learnt is at my fingertips but I just can't quite see what it is ......?

Bliss
X

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Alicia Ross