The big bigger biggest TIME WASTER in the world!!!

 

 
Reminds me of Gaudi - is it? I originally thought it was just styled in that way. Now I need to research it, more time away from the world of biological psychology. Actually I am about to embark on counting vesicles. Quite hit and miss and boring. As yet I haven't devised a way or discovered if there is a way of marking the microsope. I will ask the tutor. Sensible solution!!
In the meantime - Nautilus House, Mexico. Apparently a couple and their young children wanted something very different from their conventional house. And they wanted it to be topographical with the location. Good idea - they were surrounded by wooded land, mountains and other houses! hmmm?? It is designed like a shell. I can't see who the designer is/was ....
The company is called Senosiain Arquitectos: Mexico, D.F.


The Crooked House, Poland (Sopot) or

The Krzywy Domek


It was designed by Szotyńscy & Zaleski who were inspired by the fairytale illustrations and drawings of Jan Marcin Szancer and Per Dahlberg
Sadly for me - don't know why but being a part of a shopping centre seems wasteful of the fairytale element. But why not? At least it makes shopping magical for a moment.

Jan Marcin Szancer - Polish illustrator.
   

 

Per Dahlberg - a Swedish painter living in Sopot. He seems to have inspired many fantastical shaped buildings along with Jan.

 

  In this house resided Swedish artist Per Dahlberg and Polish illustrator Marcin Szenser (deceased 1973)
  
So far I have not discovered any of his art work.


Ah ha ...





Strange little creature. These are seasonal of course! I wonder what he is?

Down in the deep dark wood

R is stunning. A is beautiful and P is just a delight. P galloped across the field when he heard RF's voice. He was like a little kid really happy to see her. He skidded to a halt at the gate. He seemed most put out when he realised he wasn't being taken in.
I got to go to the stables!! I watched RF school Rem for a while. He was very calm. I miss riding when I et that close to it.
Back home and the girls were just waking up. D is now comfortable with me, not so shy and clambering all over me. We read the gruffalo together and then later she sat on and over me as we watched the Gruffalo film. ooooooooo sheer delight and loveliness. She is a real cutey and like sugar and spice and all things nice!!
Little T is more clingy with her mum and dad but with D showing total confidence in me she then came for clambers and cuddles. They are so cuddly squidgy. Love it!
I must not be away from them for so long again. It will not be as easy as a ferry when they are in Spain more often and for longer periods. But hopefully flights will still be cheapish and I can pop over and have even more of a holiday environment. It would be great to see RF and LF too. I miss the complete eccentricity of it all. He really is the most eccentric and fun person. Pity JH didn't stay in my life. I am sure he would have really enjoyed all of this. There were adventures to be had together if only ...... Hate the pain of ths bargaining.
Oh well - it's dinner time now. Protein curry!
Day 2 of all proteins nearly done. I wonder if I will have lost anymore. I am feeling bloated again - flippping menopausal nonsense.

I'll be back
Bliss
XX

THE END!

Yup - it's all but written!! Well I will go out with RF and see the horses and come back to read the draft, repair any damage and terrible hiccups to it and then send it off. I think it's drivel personally but perhaps the main points are there. I don;t know. I will send it to JB my proof reader and see what he thinks. He is great at telling me what doesn't make any sense to him even when he knows he knows nothing about the subject in any great detail. He will be able to decipher my grammar mistakes and also discern whether he has been able to understand the points being made. He's great even though not at all interested.

And then this evening I will send it off. And then start counting the flipping vesicles int he neurons. That looks a task and a half. Then tomorrow I can start the reading I am now slightly behind on.
Horrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy for getting the essay nearly completed.
Home stretch now - yip yip!!

Bliss
XX

Somebody to love me!!

Do you really need someone else's permission, acceptance, wink, or nod, Bliss, or are you ready to give these to yourself, now?
I say, "Ready. Now."
The Universe

It seems difficult to give myself permission for anything. Especially to love myself and do nice things for myself. I rarely do that. And just this last day, encouraged by a good friend, I have done some things that are being kind to me.
I feel sad that everything has seemed so negative for quite some time. I hope for this to change. I know that I can get into this spin but generally I can be a very uplifted and hopeful person. I really have been destroyed by the events that surrounded JH and I. By that I am not blaming, but once again it shows me how that I need to be very careful with getting involved in a relationship. With things becoming so involved and then difficult, I spiralled quickly. It's such a pull loving so many things about a person and encountering what to me was unhealthy behaviour on JH's part with regard to women. He would see that differently I am sure.
I am sure even Blog is bored with this. But I need to keep writing out my thoughts. I even thnk I am wrong writing my thoughts because I will be judged. But this is how deeply I allowed him into my soul and so the working out of my soul is long and slow. Some day it would be possible to hear different points of view I suppose. The thing is right now I don;t think JH knows himself well enough around this stuff to be able to have a real frank and open conversation about it because he defends and blames. That is finger pointing on my behalf but even in his reply to my last email there was finger pointing. What I need to do is keep the focus on me.
I felt insecure when I thought I sensed JH's attentions elsewhere. And insecurity is on the continuum of fear and my fear turned into depseration and my despeeration turned into anger.
I thought I could sense lies and distance at different times with JH - and then discovered things like him telling me he was doing one thing and actually he was doing another - like SL. I am uncertain whether he ever really did have time without contact with ES. Then there were the confusing and conflicting things he told me when we were first talking and how those things changed later on when we were together. There was all the confliction when ES was visiting and yet he was telling me he wanted only a monogamous relationship - this was in response to me saying that that was the only type of girlfriend boyfriend relationship I wanted. At that time I was still OK with simply being his slave. I am repeating myself I know. All these thigns though are not critcism of him. It's how he is or was at least. What it did though was raise an insecurity in me and a real dislike of the lies or untruths or whatever one would like to call them to soften the realilty.
And the reality for me is that I do not want to be with someone who isn't straight forward in this. Then and only then is it truly possible for me to enjoy all the other things that I cannot seem to let go of with JH. The moments enjoying art together, the discsussions, the walks, the togetherness in those times. They were so very wonderful that I was overlooking the other things that were not OK and instead of just saying bye I kept trying to point it out so that they could be changed by JH. But perhaps he simply likes being that way and is safer or happier like that. Whatever it was not OK for me.
A man having female friends is not a problem. But really the way JH was was not what I would call friendship. I would not want to be behaving like that with men friends of mine and saying that I was in a monogamous relationship. I then tell myself that if there is a woman who is comfortable with that then maybe I am wrong. But what I have to do to give myself permission to love me, is accept that it's not OK for me.
Some day JH would be a good friend to have for the things that are wonderful about him. I would not want to be in a relationship where I am always uncertain and that leaves me feeling unloved.
If I told all this to JH he would thnk I am pointing the finger at him being bad! I am not at all. I am writing about what is OK or not for me as a person to be in a loving relationship with someone. I am sorry that I didn;t take care of myself sooner. If I had then maybe it would have been possible to move into friendship earlier and put aside the desire for the companionship and not least of all the sex between us too. It was very very good for me and I do miss that degree of intimacy. I feel jealous that he will have that with someone else. But once again it was sex - there was a real deepness to the sex but intimacy comes with trust and closeness and honesty and without those things some of the loving is missing. Then I can interpret it as just a way of having some sexual fun and that leaves me feeling disgusted because for me I was giving all of me but think that he was just having some fun. He would say no I know. But once again it is not about what he thinks. To be having such sexual intimacy for me it starts with all the other things. And I kept telling myself to believe him, giving more of me, telling myself it was I that was in the wrong about all the other things. But, by denying myself the truth that I saw and felt in me, I leave myself feeling disgusted. Not paying attention to my real deep needs and wants.
It is not he who took anything, it is me who gave everything without taking care of myself.
At the time of each sexual moment it felt so good, so truly loving and I felt sexually like I have never felt before. If only that could have been with true loving as well in all the other areas. Well it surely can be possible.

I have been starting to do some healthy things for myself. And you know what? I do feel just a little bit better - yay hay! But I have to commit to this for a lifetime on a day to day basis in the same way I have to abstinence from substances. And I rarely do that. I use food as a comforter or as a control. Too much for comfort and too little to take back control. Weight loss 1.5kg - Day 1.


Well this is day 2 of the first 4 radical days. All proteins apart from a dessert spoon of wheat bran and oat bran muffins with lunch.The all protein meal last night was too rich for me I think. I felt a little icky all night.
Also I am drinking less coffee and more teas and water.
After these first 4 days I have 137 days of eating protein and vegetables plus the wheat bran and oat bran.
So by August I should be seeing the vast difference.
And then the consolidation period - 195 days - but I have forgotten what that actually consists of.




I also need to commit to every Thursday being an all protein day. Just one day a week.
Now this seems radical to me - no carbohydrates forever!! No sweet things forever!!
I need to read more about this.
I do think sugar can be a trigger food for me and also white flour.
BUT all this is well and good - when the menopausal shift takes place there is an insatiable desire for more!!
I hate it.

Well the good thing is that in just 1 day there is already a difference. So for the time being I can commit to this for today. I will exercise this afternoon with a lovely sea walk and the LouLou will of course love that.

Now I need to get on with writing 701 words about the human and reptile brainstem. Yup! Still there.

Bound to back.

Bliss
XX

Dukan so you can too

Well this diet is intriguing. M. Dukan has written and book and a Recipe Book too so of course I am suspicious of the money making machine ... however RF looks very well and it seems do-able. Well so far I am not in the leat bit hungry. Actually the opposite. And in theory there should be a rapid weight loss in the first 4 days. Well we will see. He doesn't alk much about the effects when menopausal. I HATE this change in my hormones, it does all sorts of things I do not plan for and I do not seem to have even the slightest bit of control over it. Grrrrrrr.

I have not got much writtne at all for my essay. However, I have the research together now and I think one last read through some bits this evening might make things just a little bit clearer.
I just don't know how to get started.


Bliss
XX

The mystical alchemy of the Blog

Aaaaargh - I am trying to write an essay - it's only 800 words. BUT it is about how the human brain is considered to have a reptilian brain at it's core - the brainstem and we are to write about the accuracy of this thought. I need to describe the parts of the brainstem in humans and the functions and consider the same in the alligator and whether similar functions can be considered. Actually overall, already I would say that this is a valid statement but that the human brainstem has further developed with functions that seem to project to memory and emotional connections with functions whereas the reptiles or alligators are very much more instinctual and emotionless. The functions of the alligator seem much more motor than will, for instance they do not choose their pray, they will attack anything that moves. But similar functions seem to be at a lower level such as the links with the autonomic system ANS - breathing, sleep regulation, blood circulation. And  the link with the parasympathetic system which is involved in regulating homeostasis or returning the body to a resting state which is the opposing action of of the sympathetic system, which stimulates reactions for example the increase in heart rate , and helps respond to sudden emergencies.

So this Blog was always intended as a sort of sinking into thinking space away from the task itself or indeed to just brandish ideas or brainstorm them. And a way of keeping sat at the laptop rather than wandering into the land of distraction. Furthermore keeping away from the destruction of FOOD. Everyone I know talks about the amount of food they partake of when studying. It certainly raises its ugly head when I am confounded and bereft of original thought or quite simply stuck for knowing what to say!!
And today is the first day of being more healthy around food and exercise.
In my sorrow I have turned further towards food as a comforter than ever before. And it is such an uncomfortable result. More self-hatred when I already feel that I am not good enough. I know this not to be true in an intellectual way. But recent events with JH have added fuel to my more emotionally responsive thoughts around this. There is  similarity of wanting to be approved of or valued as there was with my dad. JH said he loved me but his propensity towards untruths give a different message. This is not "blaming". This is perception of behaviours. I think he truly wanted to love me, and truly loves. But he seems not satisfied with just me or even one other. Now that maybe his own insecurities, I will never really know, but how it translates to me is that I am not enough and therefore always disposable when someone else would come along that offers something I am lacking in. And of course I am lacking but I also know I am good enough just as me. Perhaps it merely was that we were too different - but again how that translates to me is that I am worthless. I just want to be loved for being me. I loved myself enough though not to tolerate his indiscretion and dishonesty. What it leaves me with though is missing him so so so much - the things that I loved about him are no longer accessible either. Well for now. Maybe some time in the future we can be friends??


Blah blah blah. No more thinking about this for now. I need to return to my essay.
At least I know the angle I am coming from for that.
Yes there is an accuracy in the human brain having a reptilian core but there are differences in the human brainstem. I need to identify the similarities and evidence the differences.

Bliss
XX


It's 13:30 - stopping for a lunch break and some time with RF if she is back fromt he stables. I have 643 words to write about the parts and functions of the human brainstem and the same for the reptile and in those words point out the similarities and differences. Not many words to do that.
Basically, there are similarities in the basic functioning but the reptile has not got the parts that seem to link with the conscious awareness and memory and decision making or emotional parts that would probably contribute to making decisions. So they are far more instinctiaul. They are of course functiojing according to external stimuli - the optic tecta feature in both human and reptile brainstems and in the humans these are also concerned with tactile senses. and as apparently the reptile is sensitive to changes through skin receptors, it is not surprising that this part of the brainstem is common. BUt there is not the equivalent of the inferior colliculum, which is concerned with relaying information to the cortexes where there appears to be links with consciousness and will inform decisions etc.

Blah blah blah - how on earth am i going to write this with evidence. Blimey this is difficult
Frazzeld
Time for a break!