the greatest thing, in life you'll learn ...

Bliss, about your glorious freedom, and that one day soon you will be loved and cherished by a special man... have you considered that once these dreams come to pass, you may become too popular to even grocery shop for yourself?Yeah, your peeps can do it for you.
"Don't forget the chocolate syrup" -
    The Universe

Oh my gosh I didn't expect to be signed off again and this time until 9th May. I don't think the shame I feel will permit me to stay away that long. I am loathe to even send the necessary email to PD to advise him. This is just crazy how I am feeling. And it's difficult to allow myself the time necessary to get properly well. And that everyone will be judging me - of course rationally I think that those that judge have no idea what this is actually like. I judge myself harshly and see myself as weak and a failure. But the other side of me, the loving, caring me knows to just be gentle and this is an illness that is real a difficult. I am not bringing it on myself, although I am certain that decisions in the past contribute to mobilising old emotinal and mental difficulties. When I say men tal I am always afraid that people reading this would then think of mentla nutcases. There is still such a stigma. Or mayb e that is my harsh self berating and judgement and there is no stigma at all. Ha! That's rubish - there is a fear and aversion to mental health of any kind. I am depressed, have been suicidal or as SC reminds me I feel murderous and that is all turned in on me.
Funny thing is I am so convincing when I think of the things I want to do. I was really, really convinced that I needed to make contact. After last night and actually standing up and reading my poetry and then people coming to talk to me aftewards - I wanted to share that adrenalin excxitetment with someone who would be pleased for me. I did tell a friend but it's not the same somehow for me as someone special. I guess really I wanted my dad to show some pride in me. But that sort of thing he wouldn't even acknowledge. It's not valid and worthwhile. And so I wanted JH to be proud and exicted with me. Someone to care about me and recognise the achievement. The thing is just as the human being is he, he probably would be able to acknowledge that. JB for example wouldn't although he can acknowledge the academic achievement s I have made. Writing just that shows me that different people have different things that they consider valuable and priorities. It's just having someone to acknowledge what is important to me that would be nice and accepting of me.
Then this morning I was afraid of going to the GP and saying that I am better but not fully and that I wanted more time off. I felt ashamed and again want someone to validate me and make it OK. I sent texts and AM said she would call later. ET phoned off the cuff which was nice and gave me some reassurance about the care for me at work. She also mentioned that she might be signed off for a couple of weeks. More affirmation through others. ANd so I actually had the courage to go and the GP took decisions himself from there. This was a relief, he is taking me seriously and suggesting what needs to be done. I do need him to escalate things with the specialist but was loathe to push that. I will call and ask the receptionist to requesst that he does do that after all. You see I can do these things without needing approval from outside.
The reality is I wouldn't be honest about this anymore with JH anyway. The last time I was honest he started reading up and deciding on a diagnosis. I felt very judged and at risk. A little information is dangerous and rather than dealing with me as simply me I wondered if he had in mind judgements from "mental health" issues. Yuch! How violated I feel having allowed myself to be so open. Some people misuse information. I am not sure JH did but I am not sure he didn't either. His behaviours have left me with a real distrust. I am sure he would hate that, but then he wanted to make me the problem too I think rather than look at himself. He made me not the compatible one with him.
I can see it both sides.
Anyway - I know that it would be possible at some time to be a friend with JH but right now I am not certain it would be OK as I am so vulnerable so I just need not to. That may change tomorrow but for today - no.
Vulnerable? Because I feel such love still and it is not reciprocated. I just have to keep allowing myself to grieve and let go, grieve and let go, let go, let go.
It's mixed up thought this love. Because I feel love for sme elements. I still do not love the parts that are dishonest and does not want monogamy.

I am dreaming alot. Vivid dreams. IN the early hours of the morning yesterday, people from my younger years were walking into a tented area and sitting at a big outdoor table/bench. NS was the main person I remember. I was wondering why they were walking bac into my life. They were sitting there chatting and I could feel myself with that sense of being on the outside and seperate. I never did feel the same as everybody else but was trying to be so that I would be accepted.
This monring I had a dream too - it's slipped out of my memory. And yet I have been thinking about during the day.

Well my plan was to to go to the temple again for the meditation this evening. AB and I walked longer than expected. My gosh it was even hotter today. Lovely.
We saw cowslips ... they are so rare they are protected now. GB says she has seen wild orchids there too. I hope we get to see them sometime soon.
The point I was going to make, more importantly, is that somehow I changed my plans. I ended up at the SLAA meeting. The reading was so relevant - it couldn't have been better if it was planned. I was concerned at the health of the meeting. But there is a meeting and I was able to share.
I need to get myself more involved once again. The reading even talked about setting up a new meeting, which I have been contemplating off and on. ML says she would be interested if I di although she wouldn't be involved in the setting up. There is K too she might be interested and get involved too. Well I will research a venue. I keep moaning that there isn't the variety of meetings and so now is an opportunity to do something about that. Perhaps  CoDA might get underway too. Who knows .....
The meeting was helpful - I cried at the sadness I feel, I shared the frustration I feel with self, the despair, the disappointment of the relationship turning out the way it did, I shared the madness that has ensued and the grief too. And now I need to put some work in and stick with it. Commitment even when I don't necessarily feel up to it. That is something I wanted in JH - standstill, don't run and work through things which requires change. However, he didn't want to change things to stay committed to me. He is committed in other things. And that is so so sad.
I also shared just a little about my dad. How I would love to have a different relationship with him but this is the one I have. It's not all good.

I read my poems last evening. I am still surprised - when asked what had inspired me to read out, I really don't know. The reception seemed good - I was given a gift of someone elses poem. Someone wanted to sit quietly and re-read one and said that it really resonated for them. Someone else referred to a line of one of my poems and used it in their own way. The guest poet came over and was very encouraging. And two other poets were encouraging me to sahre more of my poems. People were very enthusiastic. It's such a weird little mix of people. I feel I have written this now twice - oh well

Very tired now - it's the end of the day - added to this in bits and pieces through the day. Lots to say and nothing coming out today

Tantra and Love

Sex is the seed, love is the flower, compassion is the fragrance
Osho

"Love is patient, love is Kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is n ot conceited; does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked."

"... finds not joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends"
Corinthians 13

Love is Karma. This is the essence of Tantra. Karma is created from our thoughts and actions. Th result is in our experiences. So the love we give and receive is the direct result of our thoughts and actions.
To have love, we must first choose loving actions.
We must regulate our behaviour, and be vigilant about creating and maintaining the highest intentions.
Honour
Respect
Surrender
Releasing the Ego
These are the laws of love.

"This is love; to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally to take a step wthout feet"
Rumi

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere, they are in each other all along"
Rumi

Many go from partner to partner on an empty search for fulfillment. But the answer does not lie in another, it lies in YOU.
Love yourself.
When you vibrate self-love, send it our to the Universe, you attract a resonate vibration and Love finds you ...
This is the heart of Tantra.

"Your task is not to seek Love, but merely seek and find all the barriers wihtin yourself that you have built against it"
Rumi

This is truly how to make love
Action and reaction
Cause and effect

Love is Karma

Cavern of fear

Brancusi - the end of a beautiful friendship.


I have had a realisation as I was pointing my finger in my thoughts. My thoughts were based around the fears I am feeling as a friend feels distant. She is very busy, but also talking a lot of unhealthy talk around drinking etc. What this raises is a fear of losing her and her friendship. I value her so much. With her I feel relaxed and can be myself. That is rare, just a handful of friendships that I feel that comfortable. Now I know that is my own issues and if I were truly at ease with myself I would not feel stresses with anyone. But I really would defy the everyday person who says that there is no one that raises tensions. Interaction with different people brings different things.
Anyway my thinking was intensified with her as she has been invited to go away on what seems like an exciting and exotic holiday with a friend of hers. I felt a little jealous as I would like to have the freedom to travel. I truly miss that. I have travelled extensively and ever since leaving the industry I feel as if my wings have been clipped.
Anyhow she has also been talking about not wanting to take up the invite as she is uncertain of her staying clean. Although actually in the last half hour or so she is saying things that are more reassuring on that front. But what I was realising is that I am feeling less trust in the friendship. By that I mean that I feel afraid that she will be moving away from me in preference for "using".
I was just writing to her, and realised not to send the text. I started off by saying I wonder if you have ever felt this? And was going onto say how I am feeling a degree of fear that she is detaching from me and moving away. When suddenly I realised that this is what I do and did when I was with JH. I have done it in all my relationships. I detach from my friendships. Now I know that there is a certain degree of moving away from people as a relationship is new. But my friend was constantly saying that I was less and less available and more and more secretive.
I feel very sorry and sad about that now. If I was more balanced then I would maintain the friendships that I truly value. I know that some of this is down to my insecurities in the relationships. My thinking that I have to be totally available and dedicated. Now that is surely an indication that something is amiss in the first place. Like I said to JH, I sensed through the way things were that it wasn't secure. With SH it was different, he was trustworthy regarding other women, but he was angry and possessive and so I didn't feel able to do my own things. I was scared of his anger and the retribution. Not that he would be violent. Just an inbuilt fear of anger. And so if I look back at each relationship, I gave up my own life for one reason or another because of fear of losing the relationships. They became my Higher Power. I am not blaming anyone in this, just very very sad that is how it's been.
My incredible sense of worthlessness and being unlovable and with that a terror of abandonment. I can see where it was borne despite my mum loving me so so much. She was there in one sense and so absent in other ways. My dad though was unpredictable. I think he treasured the little girl I was but anything out of order for him and he rejected me in various subtle ways and at other times not subtle. I was never enough and that's how I feel now.
Of course with the awareness that's improving and changing, but it's a very core belief.
It leaves me feeling sad and grieving.

And so what I need to do is make an amends to my friend. To say that I can hear what she has been saying now and am getting a clearer view of things. I am not sure yet how it will change but I really want it to. I do not want to continue the way things have been. I want it to be a proper amends but hope that I will be more alert to myself and try not to go down the destructive behaviour routes in the future. I really want to change.  And I want her to know how much I value her friendship. I am not changing because of her, but hope that one of the things that will emerge from changes I so want will be that the fullness of what the friendship means to me will be better realised. I don't know if this will make sense to her. I hope so. It's not fully formulated in my mind what it is I need to say. So perhaps I should not say it until it is really clear as this is very important to me.
What is wonderful is that I am getting clearer and clearer insight.
I so do not want to use - the feelings and thinking are very strong and in recent past have driven behaviours that certainly suppress.
I feel an immense sense of relief that I am getting some clarity and permitting myself to let out some of the emotions that I have been stifling. I feel gratitude that I have been given opportunities to explore and despite acting out I have not given up on looking and exploring myself entirely. It is exhausting and frightening too when things are not immediately obvious.

It's a relief to be getting the awareness as I have already stated. And it's enabling me to challenge the desires to act out - i.e. I keep wanting to make contact with JH. Partly I know that friendliness is possible but right now I am not sure that s the only thing driving the desire. I want him to want me and I know that he cannot. So I will be hurt and disappointed all over again. That would take away from my own feelings that I am trying to work on and get some healing. I see the way it works I think just a little clearer anyway. And similarly with food. I think I am hungry but actually I know I have eaten sufficient - and so it will be feelings of anger I want to eat away. Eating and smoking are such anger suppressants. I have thought of anger as one type of expression - but it gets expressed in so many various ways. Subtle and yet destructive nonetheless.
I can allow myself to feel it without shame and disgust this morning. Whereas I know if I were to talk about this anger and rage with JH I would feel that I was wrong and bad, as that is what I received from him. It is wrong and bad to be angry. I may be wrong about that but I certainly picked that up from him along the days. Again this is not about blaming. This is for me viewing things and realising how ashamed of my anger I have been to be able to pick that up so sensitively. I also have in the past thought it wrong and bad to be angry. I don't like it when friends are angry with me - i get defensive. I see this in myself. Not at a finger point at JH or anyone else. I see how uncomfortable I am with anger as I always think it's my fault that someone is angry. Because I suppose I feel angry to such an extent and my dad is involved in that. If he hadn't done what he did then a lot would be so very different. If he was different I could have been different. That needs some reconciliation somehow.

Reading from Homer, Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema, 1885
There is freedom by learning about self and being able to put things to rest but does require constantly working on self. What I hope for is the reprieve when I can relax again and enjoy living. Since all things started getting difficult with JH, it has been less about enjoying life and having fun - but pain and despair and then having to take a serious and hard look inwards.

Anyone reading this - I hope you realise that it is not about JH but that was the most recent mobilising event. And I can look back and see how it has played out time after time.
In there somewhere as well is the normality of meeting and liking a man, the disappoint of discovering actually we are not fully compatible and the sadness of having to separate. I know that is all normal and not to be forgotten. But there was also a huge trigger into re-traumatising. And not everyone has that or realises they do. This is for me to not continue to do.
Eroticising sex, meaning I have sex before really establishing the relationship. Confusing sex then with the emotions that ensue, having given entirely of myself. That's why it seemed easier to be a slave. Knowing he would have no real partnership love for me made it easy just to give and give and give and my reward to be through sexual relief and pleasure. Also thinking that he would be getting his pleasures through me somehow but not understanding what that was. I guess there was a similarity with being a lady of the night. It's all so messy and still a lot to shuffle through. I need more help from SC and remain abstinent. I can see it so clearly right now!

Bliss
XX

ps. studying now until lunchtime. No contact with JC - finishing that here and now. LP will be minimal anyway and is via the rooms really so very different. I need complete and utter abstinence.
This is not about JH but it was recent and still showing me so much what has occured.

Grown up little girl

That's me.
So often the little girl is the loudest voice in me.
I have seen too how that little girl can manifest in many ways - of course it is me today, but there are certainly learnt behaviours that are stuckness. That is not English by the way.

I saw how the temptress or teenage seductress appears - very manipulative. I want something! And a  sort of devlish energy appears. Wild and as if totally carefree. Then there is the very little girl, maybe about 5 is how I envisage her. She just wants to be loved and cuddled safely. Just to be really wrapped in love for being. That is a sort of softer and girly manifestation. There is also an excited little girl, wowed b the world. But then there is a another teenager who worldy and knowing and alert to danger, not trusting and cynical. There are undoubtedly more - younger I feel too. But all these live on - stuck. I have to flipping well learn how to aprent myself because no one else has been able to. My mum loved me, of that I have no doubt. She was unavailable a lot of the time though. She did cuddle me safely in that moment. But she was not very encouraging of me and her absence I think whilst giving me independance also left me to been grown up far too soon. And then my dad, I don't think he did the best he could. He was abusive - sexually, emotionally, physically, spiritually. It was the best he was capabable ot but that was not OK. I think there is some part of him that loves me. I just want him to love me safely and with healthy boundaries. Limits from my parents to contain me - never have been there. There were restraints that linited me but not containment.
So here I am trying to learn about me - really beginning to see my anger and rage. I find it ugly because I was always told it was ugly. And then when I saw my dad's anger it was terrifying and disgusting. So I have believed it is not OK to be angry.
I have a lot to be furious about and now need to allow myself to feel it but not act out on it. It's so subtle at times I don't even realise I am talking myself into acting out. How convincing I am too!!

So far I have managed to avoid doing anythig - whether it could be healthy or not it is too risky.

Phew it takes a lot of efffort to follow the narrow path. It is the trudge they talk about at times. The trudge to happy destiny - but along the way there is such a lot of wonder to see and take in. How easy temptation can flow in.

Bliss
XX

Freedom and Contentment

When you don't know what you  want, Bliss, it's probably time to begin enjoying what you have.
You've done so well for yourself,
    The Universe

I enjoy time with my friends (yesterday)
I enjoy walking with my LouLou (this morning) (plans for this afternoon)
I enjoy seeing the Universal creations - people, sea, trees, Spring, colours, words, visual arts, music, crafts, communication. (most days)
I enjoy learning - all sorts - and being stimulated (most days)
I enjoy time within easy friendships where I can be entirely myself (yesterday)
I enjoy the smell of coffee (right now)
I enjoy the feeling after I have sorted out administrative things (this morning)
I enjoy practicing meditation and being in the moment (a little everyday)
I enjoy listening (when I remember)
I enjoy hearing (when I listen openly)
I enjoy sunshine (now)
I enjoy the technology I have at this moment - camera, laptop, iPhone, music machines etc.
I enjoy the self awareness I have this morning with my thinking being not dark today.
I enjoy my thinking being lighter (now)
I enjoy being aware of the rage within and just recently practicing seeing it and nurturing it and not acting out on it - so far!
I enjoy eating healthily (recently - apart from Saturday over did it with gorgeous fresh bread mm mm)
I enjoy feeling better in my body (day by day)
I enjoy feeling a little bit more confident about myself (today)
I enjoy that I have time today to do my studying - so blinking well get on with it!!!


Mmmm yes - I enjoy many things about this moment.

Bliss
XX

Red Rum

My dream this morning was so full of anger.
I think we were on a cruise of some sort. I am not sure who we is. I was with a man that I neither know nor recognise. He seemed to be my partner. But as a result of something between him and another guy on the boat, I had to do certain things and where clothes in a certain way.
One of the crew, which later evolved into being at a bar, I was given something that was completely wrong for the ways n which I was supposed to do things. The controlling man saw and just smiled knowingly. I got really cross with the barman. I started screaming at him. I said that if he did not do things correctly I would suffer. I called him a c.u.n.t., which is not a word I am accustomed to using. I pushed through the queuing crowd behind me and was sitting outside the bar, knowing I was not allowed to go far. It was too late anyway, whatever it was I was supposed to do I had already failed on and would have to do something else for this man. I could hear the barman saying that if it was him in charge he wouldn't have arranged things as they were he would have done it differently. I saw red. I charged back in swearing and cursing, that yes we all knew that but it wasn't how it was and he wasn't in charge. I started smashing the place up, pushing things off the bar and smashing things.
Then I woke up. I knew that in my dream I felt charged by this outrage. It felt very powerful. IN parallel I felt ashamed of the explosion and in front of so many people. They could see my destruction, yet inside it's such enormous rage, desperately wanting someone to witness and be able to contain this level of fury. It can be murderous and the person I want to murder is me.
I know it relates to age old anger and anguish from my childhood. And then a journey into adulthood of dysfunctional relationships, which were led by my desire just to be loved.
I was reading littlegirlyone this morning. I am assuming the writing is from real emotions. Anyhow I could relate to her writing. I have a desire to be little and therefore lovable and I know that comes out in my food practices, anorexic when younger, bulimic as the anorexia became more difficult to sustain and, of course, this is just a way of controlling overeating. My food right now is in order. I am eating 3 healthy meals per day and allowed myself an ice cream whilst out yesterday. I planned for it.
I also read about this woman's description of the comfort taken from orgasm and the need to masturbate. That is a problem, it is a need for comfort and not sexual. There should be other ways to take comfort. I want someone to comfort me through nurturing and cuddling, someone to go to who is safe and tell them I am scared. Instead at an early age and with quite disturbing images I learnt how to masturbate to comfort. That meant I didn't need to tell anyone about my fears of other emotions.
Someone once asked the question if being a slave was somehow related to childhood sexual abuse. Well I am not sure it is specifically related to penetrative sex or that solely. But I can certainly see connections for myself in the need for a man who is in control to care for me. Not necessarily that they have to love but that they want me and want to take care of me. Before JH said that he too would want a monogamous relationship, I was prepared to work through my difficulties of being a slave that had no rights about other interests and women and to be available when needed and work through my issues somehow when not. I can relate that to my relationship in childhood directly.
God it's so painful to see it. And so sad too that it's how I have tried to heal my little girl. I am still very turned on by the dynamic. I read this morning some pages having received a prompt of a blog via my email. I found myself conjuring ways to ask my Master to take me back and train me properly.
The healthy side of me screams at little sad, hurt, lost me. Little hurt lost me doesn't know how else to be loved. It seems the only way. The other me seems unlovable and completely in a mess.
Gosh though I have put in so much work - I am on the brink, keep sticking with the way that others say is healthier or go back to what is familiar. There will surely be a Master who would take me on. Then all I would have to be concerned with is pleasing him and keep reminding myself to put me aside. Get it right for him and he will allow me pleasure through orgasm.
As I write it, even though I can see it is a mediocre existence it is tempting so that I avoid all the incredibly painful emotions of the supposed healthy route. Abstinence, fellowship, step work, therapy.
I think the difficulty was mixing the two. JH mixed the two and it was not as if we had a relationship based on anything first. It was the other way around. I don't understand to this day why he didn't just use his Masters voice to say that this is the way he wanted things and it was nothing to do with me. If he was comfortable with who and how he was he had not need to pretend - he had a willing and giving slave, me. Strange really.


Right now I want to follow the "healthier" route. That means I need to stay away. How close I was again to write to JH and ask if he would take me back as his slave and this time I would be a really good slave if he would show me how to be. Close. Anything other than feel the feelings I have. Which are even emerging through my dreams.
My friends are aware of the closeness to this but they don't know the completeness of my thinking - the sexual involvement. I think I need to see SC. He reminds me how I eroticise the anger.This is coinciding with some of the hormonal symptoms subsiding once again. And getting my figure back quickly too so feeling sexier day by day. God! It's so mixed up and complex.
I don't want to go to SLAA - I couldn't share about all this openly anyway. I could take on a sponsor again in SLAA.
IS there such a thing as normalised M/s relationships. Perhaps if in a loving relationship, it can be a way of spicing the sexuality in the relationship? Not everyone of course is addictive or has messy issues that they are covering up through sexual acting out. At the same time when I look at it from the outside, well it raises questions.
I have no idea what is normal or not. No idea at all.

So up at 7 am - out walking and back to write. I am studying this week. My final chance to catch up and I think I might be ready to return to work next week. I need to see my GP. I will call and book an appointment. I will call SC too for an appointment.

I wonder if JH continues to be fascinated and involved with M/s? I wonder if he is honest with ES and others? I wonder if he is making changes too or if he really is actually quite happy with the way he is?
Anyway I shall never know as he was unable to be open with me. I would never know what is the actual truth I suppose.

It was funny last evening as ML reminded me not to make contact. And not with any other man either. I agree that it would be right an proper! I need to focus on my feelings and find the way to heal them.

OK - at least I am lifted in my mood so that I am not suicidal. I can see a path that I would like to follow that seems good and loving. I enjoy company with my good friends, who are stimulating and inquisitive too. I thought I would be lost without JH to bring my attention to things but I find I have that inquisitive mind myself and therefore I encounter things on my own. Then my friends are similar and some actually bring new interests. I was not dependant at all on that from him, I just thought I was. In just the way I always used to think no one could match up to my dad. Wow how I see the patterns.

OK OK - phone calls - lots to do.
And a walk to look forward to this afternoon, a meeting this evening and then home to bed for an early night.

Bliss
XX

ps. I see how other people shut their heads down with TV. Not having had one for so long now I still have to find ways to try and slow down the thinking - escapism came through SL - appeased the constant desire to be interacting with people I think.

It's good to want art .....

A lovely day in Brighton, strolling around the Lanes, wondering in and out of art galleries and jewellry shops. As well as little design shops and various boutiques selling all sorts of wares. I really enjoy being in Brighton. If I had a lot of money, I would have a pad in London, a pad in Brighton and somewhere in the countryside of Hampshire. Ha ha, a pipe dream. The funny thing is I have been speaking about the awareness I have of the polar opposites in me. When I have owned properties I have wanted to downsize. And when downsized as I am now I think I want a property. I want to live in a City, I want to be in a country village. I want to isolated in my own little woods. I want to be beside the sea. I would like to learn to be satisfied in the moment and to learn to accept that I am completely diverse.
I think I have been like this for as long as I can remember. Is it wrong to be so extreme? Do I need to keep exploring all the interests I have or do I need to calm and pursue one?
Certainly it's brought a wriggly trail into my life to date. Similarly, when in a long term relationship I have wanted to be single and when single I would like to be in a loving relationship. Perhaps if I meet this person sometime I will find contentment and that person and I together will be ale to support and work through any times of difficulty together. Not run - him or me!!
Anyway, Brighton. A lovely day wandering around the Lanes and then the beach. Watching people, seeing things. It's such a lively place. So much art and bohemia.
In particular, one gallery I liked was Blue Dog Gallery.
http://www.bluedoggallery.co.uk/glass
I like that they are prepared to sell pieces and buyers can pay in installments. It makes some of the expensive pieces more affordable. There were one or two things I would really like. Then again I am in this pahse of thinking why have so many things? Downsize. I am not doing it because I am not sure that it is a general feeling of unrest.
At least I was able to track down the gallery details. A good bit of detective work from my photos - good job I took them with the shops opposite. In that way I could discover the street name and then using Google Maps take a walk down the road until I could see the gallery. However, the photos of the road were old and the gallery wasn't there. But when looking at Google Maps not the photos of the street, the gallery was listed and of course I had the picture of the blue dog in my photo. So if I change my mind I can contact them.
I think though I would rather have pieces that my friends have done. There' more precious personal value in that.

Actually I am so tired, I am going to bed.
Another week off. Still feeling completely off key but at least not suicidal now for several days. That is a relief as it seemed just a battle staying alive

Bliss
xx