Louis Armstrong forgets the words!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ha ha - the rage and anguish for now seems to have subsided. It comes and goes.
I feel I have little to write today. Yesterday was a simple day. Sketching in the morning to music. Will post my efforts on here - why not?
Then despite myself, I went for a walk with AB again. She has been remarkably supportive. There everyday for me. She doesn't work and so can be. She is dependable that way. AM called and she was able to express herself to Iv. That was inspiring. And texts only with ML.

Whilst I am very aware that deep matters have been triggered in me. It's on days like today when I feel a sort of nothingness that I am questioning what is going on.
ML yesterday was saying that I am challenging myself rather than accepting. To some degree I agree that I don't like how I am feeling right now. I think I am being judged by people and that is a sign of not accepting. I am also allowing myself to be how I am at times. I want to understand it of course and if I could just get to the root cause then all could be changed and I would be well. But I am aware of that thinking and that's what I am challenging. I think it's more important to be aware of the thinking and identify those thoughts that are unhelpful. It is not possible to stop the thinking. Where those thoughts come from, well who knows. That's the fascinating thing I was studying of the hard question of consciousness - all those neruons firing and connecting - that's the easy question, we can see the mechanincs and more and more is being understood about the parts of the brain associated with the receiving of information from the external world, but how those electrical charges become conscious thought and memories and ideas etc, well still no one has a clue. So with all the acceptance in the world, I will not know how to stop the thinking before it arrives. What I can do though is be aware, notice my thinking and unhelpful, negative thoughts I can challenge. So here and now, anyone that would judge me harshly is not someone who I would wish to consider a friend. They may be non acceptant of something they do not want to face themselves I suppose, which I can be sympathetic towards or they may never have had to deal with such issues themselves. Or they may have experienced others with depression (and the mania that seems to ride with erupting rage). There are many things I have never had to deal with, for example I do not know what it must be like for my dad wth his kidney transplant. I can listen though and accept how it is for him with real empathy. Some people neither want to empathise nor are able to just hear with judgement.
Well thos people like that that might be involved in my life will have to take a back seat if they are unable to support me. That's cool. I do not need to resent them, I can give them some undertanding. My fear of being judged would create resentment normally. They are entitled to their opinions and I know how close I can let them in. I am grateful to have some knowledge so that I do not have to try and deal with the negative thinking that comes with others judgements.
However, I have incredible friens who can allow me to be just how I am and love me. How fortunate I am.
Mmmm it's nice to put aside the resentment with just a little different thinking.

I can see in a more calm state today how this terror and rage is emerging out of me. It is uncontained when  am here alone and I get quite scared. What I am scare of is unclear, it's this uncontained rage, I feel completely vulnerable. What I am afraid will happen is uncertain, it just feels as if I will die. ANd I am aware that's just learnt, there was no one ever to contain my emotions full stop, and certainly not th efelings of violation with my dad. I had to keep it all inside. I remember holding my breath and trying not to move at all. If I could do that then t would all go away.
I still do that now. I find myself trying not to breathe and stay absolutely still to make the stuff go away. And that's just emotions now.

Explaining to AM recently, that I was unable to tell her the sexual actions between JH and I, i.e. the M/s relationship, because I was ashamed, I realised that I had thoughts of that sort of thing when I was very little. I also remember at 7 there was a boy and another girl at school and we layed these kind f dark games. Obvioulsy no sex. But there was mean attitude and Nicola and I were treated meanly. There is pleasure and I am really wanting to understand this. I am still attracted to the idea and find it stimulating. Yet when in rational thought I am quite sad that this is the situation. With GW, whilst I truly was scared and very battered by him in many ways, I completely gave in to him. It was worse physically than anything I have experienced before or since. When working as a lady of the ngiht there were a couple of men who were violent, wnating to hit and make bruises. I was always scared and it was painful. As I write this I feel so so sad for all the things like this that I have allowed to happen to me. Why would I allow it? I am very confused.
All I want is to actually be loved and this is a way to be loved !!!??? And what about the men. I would be interested to learn what drives the desire in them too. It must come from something painful too no?
I need to have more understanding ............... but those people involved will probably always say that it is just a way of living. Last year with JH, it felt right. It wa a way of being with him that was bringing some kind of freedom. I daren't even return to the pages relating to it. When I have just read someone else's Blog I feel myself drawn into it and wanting a Master again. Even to the point where I would ask JH and leanr how to be totally submissive to everything he does. Problem is he wouldn't be honest even then. And as a Master he wouldn't need to be.  I would just have to learn how to be good. How sad that that would be enough if I was to receive some kind of love within that. God, it's so so sad. I want to say horrid but actually that is damning of me and condemning again. Stop the angry attitide and instead nurture myself. If this was a little girl I would want to reassure her and say that there is another way to be wholesome. I just need to trust and be patient and learn to love myself instead of getting myself into such situations to be traumatised again.
Stay away. Who on earth can I talk to about all fo this. I know I can speak with SC. Thursday seems a long way away.
I want to be writing about all the beauty and peace that I know is in my soul and I have been so accutely attuned to in past times over this last 10 years.

The meeting last evening was very helpful - people just able to hear. I will call D tomorrow - have put it off. I am thinking of asking her to go through the steps with me but actually I think I would be better off with SLAA steps after this recent crash and burn. On my knees. Not anyone's fault.
I feel sad that lessons might not have been learnt. It was not quite as sincere for others. Different for me. Not their fault. Things must be different from here on. I do not want this re-occurring. It's getting worse each time.
This time I haven't been able to work.

Thankfully there are those that understand how trauma get re-traumatised and it's not all abot woring the programme. I am doing that and have time to invest more into it right now, so I am.

I do feel the need to be with people today. I will arrange to go out earlier. Was going to go to the shops but really don't feel inspired by that.

 Not pretty like Egon's and I know it's not good art - for instance the arm is out of proportion but there is a sentiment in it and a desire to be known and heard. Looking out longing.

Copied from a photo JM sent me ... her blossom, white and delicate, pink and pretty

Bliss

XX

Silent Screams!!

Everything we say or do has already happened .... (Twelve Monkeys)

The well is very shallow.
The fight against the system
A person who doesn't want to be limited.
Existing in oppposition to the world

Need to think. Absolutely hate hearing that I can't do this by myself. It shut me up! Know I use meetings call friends etc but when he said I need the boundary of simply being with others - fuck it hit me! That's how it's always been from childhood - as soon as what u saw as restrictions were put on me I rebelled. But liked the safety of being looked after by my mum. Such extremes in me.
Well I think this is partly in reaction.

Potentially healing but all the silent screams inside me beginning to erupt.

Just notes not to be forgotten

Bliss
XX

Mad Sad Bad and Glad

I am speaking with SC this evening. The emotions within me are moutainous and feel overwhelming. I am actually fearful. I feel insane.
I really, truly can see what he has meant when I eroticise the rage within me. Getting home this afternoon after a lovely time with AB, walking,talking, sharing poetry and relaxing, instantly the emotions were on me. I was so tired after little sleep, I went for an afternoon snooze. I knew that I needed this particularly as I didn;t want the meditation this. evening to turn into a sleep. Once in bed the rage was so present and my thoughts turned to being controlled. Whilst I was talking to AM this monring I identified that when I was very young, I had machinations similar to those that were acted out through SL with the M/s scenarios. I felt disgusted and ashamed. I find it very difficult to tell anyone. And yet there I was so involved with it and wanting it and gaining from it as well. I also felt sad for a little girl who is fantasising about those sort of things. Is that common I wonder or is it the result of a distorted relationship with my father?
Of course I would meet people who would encourage and support that and make it right. Why on earth would he/they have changed since. They will be pursuing that of course. It's me that wants healing fom my past so I need change.
This morning I was so enraged, I wanted to truly bring about downfall and hurt others. It's the little girl in me that was so hurt and violated. Kicking out. I need somewhere to place the enormity of this anger and I cannot palce it with my father. I want him to love me and he's an old man now. So of course seeking out men that in some unconcious way represent him and then their behaviour enrages me I can place it on them. It's not all conscious but I am seeing things a little clearer afterwards.
The problem is by trying to keep a track then I am just re-traumatising and re-tiggering the rage and feeling insane. Well I think it is like that.
I need to go food shopping now. Pah! That instead of a wonderful meditation. But I do need SC's help.
I am ashamed of the deep desire within me to enact M/s despite being absolutely aroused and engrossed in and desiring it more than anything else. I am flitting between wanting it now and being disgusted. I know thaty I need tos tay away but it seems easier than having to deal with my own feelings. Being controlled utterly seems right for me and I don't really understand why.
I wonder if it's in a way related to the contolling of the enormous emotions within me. The rage that feels currently like a volcano erupting with such a force. But if a man contols me then it sort of contains that. And the sexual acting out ? I am not quite sure about that at this time. I know that it is related. There is the ability to enjoy sex because someone else is giving me permission to. That certainly plays a big part. I think the desire to please the man is so so strong in me. If I pelase him he will be pleased with me and love me. But it's always going to be an unequal relationship because I feel unworthy.

I am writing this Friday morning now. Good Friday here in the UK.
As you can tell my thinking is all over the place. Yesterday was a particularly difficult time for a lot of the day. It was lovely once I calmed down and was with AB, reading poetry and then walking. We had lunch and then In returned home. It seemed a long haul in front of me. I ended up not going to Cittaviveka as the call with SC was scheduled for 2020. I would rather be at home in private than have to walk out early from the meditation and then sit and talk in the car.
SC reminded me that I need to contain the rage and it's not OK to act out on it. The not acting out has been the difficult part. However, I did manage not to during the vening. I told him how scared I felt. He suggested Secondary once again to really get  safe environment to once and for all work through the trauma that has once again be re-traumatised withing the relationship and the ending of with JH. I didn't think it was like that. But then I had never actually enacted the M/s relationship before. It had only ever been a fantasy. And it was all muddled up too. With him saying he wanted more but then as we already now behaving differently from that. It was really traumatising I can see that now. Of course he was unaware of the trauma within me and that is the danger of dabbling I suppose in such matters. I don;t know what's driving him either. I wonder if anyone involved in M/s is not full of issues. I would like to understand more the patterns of people and what is so appealing to the majority. That is a psychological interest i now have as a result of my experience. I can;t say I didn't enjoy it. I did. But I have a feeling it was tapping into something psychological in me.

What I need is to stay completely away. And I will. Something deep was triggered in me. Each time it's getting deeper inside or maybe more is available to be triggered.

SO SC reminded me that I needed to ave the rage boundaried, that I could not act out whilst the rage is rising. I realise it's juts not OK for the rage to be let loose. It needs to be witnesed and held. SO I managed to not overeat and managed not to engage with any looking or sexual acting out. Which doesn;t mean actually engaging in any sex or contact. But looking for it.

I got to bed calmer and actually pleased with making it through the day and night without any damage to myself in any way whatsoever.

I know that I have many good qualities and have qualities that are valuable. I love my friends and there is a spiritual tranqulity that I can embrace at times. Tis deep issue from childhood is something that I would like to heal and move beyond. I think it is magnified by the hormonal changes. But I do not think it is any less real and huge. I get scared that if I let go I will never again be in contact with all that feels very spiritual. All the things that I lvoe and enjoy - art, outdoors world, LouLou, people (loving kind gentle real people), spiritual engagements. I truly have all those very deep inside me but alongside this trauma and black stuff.
Please God, please please God help me.

God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the
bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do
Thy will always!

I do feel very sad and lonely today. It is Good Friday, a day when I would have in the past been with my mum (and my dad). I miss her and the totoal safety that she provided and meant to me. I always had somewhere to go and someone to love me. Now there is just me and sometimes that feels scary and lonely. I feel such a little girl and having to do grown up things and look after myself. And then I go and meeet people that cannot look after me. I need to grow more. And stop playing dangerous games where I get even more hurt.

I will sketch something that has been in mind to do. And I enjoy doing that. This will be experimental which always is frightening because I want it to turn out exactly how it is in my mind and when it doesn't I turn to the thinking that I am incapable. So istead I will just go with it.
Then I will call C from the meeting - I have not returned her 2 missed calls. Then I will call AB and arrange our walk for today. Then this evening I will go to the Friday meeting.

No plans for Saturday yet. Walk, meeting is all I know so far. I think I would like to get to the shpos too to change or refund the clothes I have bought.
2 more weeks off and I will timetable the studying to have a mix of work and rest.

Bliss
XX

-Kabir

Friend, please tell me what I can do about this world
I hold to, and keep spinning out!

I gave up sewn clothes, and wore a robe,
but I noticed one day the cloth was well woven.

So I bought some burlap, but I still
throw it elegantly over my left shoulder.

I pulled back my sexual longings,
and now I discover that I'm angry a lot.

I gave up rage, and now I notice
that I am greedy all day.

I worked hard at dissolving the greed,
and now I am proud of myself.

When the mind wants to break its link with the world
it still holds on to one thing.

Kabir says: Listen my friend,
there are very few that find the path!

Well  I would like to be one of those people. How this relates to me.
I am unsure of the order of things but I am guessing that I feel the hole in my soul. That takes the form of the grief that results from not having the father I have wanted. Or I feel the rage of a little girl that has been violated. No one will understand that unless they have been sexually abused. The rage is so powerful that I turned that rage into eroticised sex and the grief has been a lifetime of needy relationships. Otherwise the rage turns into overeating, but then I have in the past kept that in control through first anorexia or bulimia. When the anorexia or bulimia has worked then I feel a confidence that is ego based and the the relationships start up again. In between there has been the use of alcohol and drugs but mainly to ease the conscience of my self disgust. The rage you see turns inwards.

I seem to put my toe on a path and then think I am better and off it all starts again. I am desperate.
I am raging deep inside me - raging at me.
Pissed off at having been duped by JH - last time I will mention him is here and now. I will take this business elsewhere. I need to take it to SLAA. Pissed off mainly with myself because I knew it yet didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe his lies instead because I want to be loved.
So I have an apoointment with SC for next Thursday. There is even more of a chance of getting to USA. I think I will try and start an SLAA meeting locally.  I know it's not about the other person and ALL about me. It's just so damned difficult to stay focused on that at the moment. So stricter measures are required. I do feel sad and concerned for the next vulnerable women that will be duped by him and many like him. Especially on SL - it is a playground for middle aged unwell men. I am pissed at him for being one although of course he would tell everyone differently. A little part of me is saying don;t write that because if he reads it ever then there will be no chance of friendship. Well I am thinking it and writing it because it's in my head and better out than in. I need a reference point because I forget so easily.
Everything is written, nothing is lost and then as wellness sets in, hopefully I will be able to see the error of my ways when it's possible to see. So if he is offended - there is nothing I can do. Sorry to him. Hope you might some day look at your own behaviour. Please try to find a conscience and don't lie to vulnerable women - be a good man instead.

I am still ambivalent - an you believe it. I am on my knees with this stuff and yet I am thinking that it sounds horrid to be a sex and love addict.
God I felt the rage escalate in me last night. Food in order, but dabbling in contact with men - RRRRRRAGE!. I eroticised the rage and felt so sad for me. And then there are men who without knowing it half the time are seeking that out. When will I stop?
I didn't like the feel of the SLAA meeting last night but then again I could be understanding of others situations. It feels sleazy because it is flipping sleazy. We are talking about acting out and feeling ashamed about it yet unable to stop. And there are so few people with any sound recovery because this is all so new really. I am never even sure what recovery is.
I so need to get to Bedford and Melissa. I am grateful to SC opening the door last Friday. The difficulty is now that I am topsy turvy with the frigging emotions.
I feel so much rage - towards all the fucking abusive men who have entered my life. And the abuse in various forms. I know it's not about them but it is too. I wasn't innocent and don't try to pretend I have been - except with my father. But FUCK! They have their part and I am allowed to feel angry. All I ever wanted was to be loved. All I ever got was abuse really - spiritual abuse in the form of dishonesty and secrecy (most recently), physical abuse in the form of beating and violent sex, mental abuse - well the torture of knowing there are lies and secrets and the pretence of love, emotional abuse in the form of offering control and dependency in the form of love. FUCK! I know a lot of it's unconscious but a lot isn't too. And I am raging about it. I can't stop it even though I know I have to only take my inventory. The rage is the old stuff and I need to place it somewhere because I don't know what it really is or how to manage it.
I want to scream. I can feel the scream from way way down inside me - it feels like a volcano that needs to erupt for the sake of catharsis.
FUCK JH! Please Universe, take care of the people he will be fucking over before me and since me. I am not the messenger nor their keeper. But I pray that you can take care of them and I know it's everyone's personal journey. Please can you ensure that JH has all that makes him truly content in life. Thank you God.
So SLAA it is then. And blow me over with a feather, K phoned this morning. She wanted to talk about her own issues with all of this stuff. ML is interested if I set up a meeting. There is a possibility. I wonder why R is no loner her sponsor? Anyway none of my business except that she said it twice. I will leave it to her to tell me if she needs to. I could hear her controlling that I remember so well. And I was able to listen. She didn't want solutions - just to be heard.
Well I shared with her the Beginners Pack and now I will read it myself.
Off walking this am with AB - she has already delayed it by half an hour. Tee hee. It's much cooler today thought so it's less of an issue.
I need to speak to some friends today about what I have seen.

Man! I am a fool to myself.

Bliss
XX

Universe I want to be free of this stuff. I want to be more in contact with You and feel the spirituality that I know is within me, that is veiled by all of this stuff. I pray that I might be free of the bondage of self and allow You to show me the way. I have faith, I feel trust. I handover to You and I will try to take the steps that are folowing the path that not many find. I truly would like to be on that path and whatever that then throws my way. I hope that I might become wiser and know .....
Please, please help me Universe.
I so need Your help.

the greatest thing, in life you'll learn ...

Bliss, about your glorious freedom, and that one day soon you will be loved and cherished by a special man... have you considered that once these dreams come to pass, you may become too popular to even grocery shop for yourself?Yeah, your peeps can do it for you.
"Don't forget the chocolate syrup" -
    The Universe

Oh my gosh I didn't expect to be signed off again and this time until 9th May. I don't think the shame I feel will permit me to stay away that long. I am loathe to even send the necessary email to PD to advise him. This is just crazy how I am feeling. And it's difficult to allow myself the time necessary to get properly well. And that everyone will be judging me - of course rationally I think that those that judge have no idea what this is actually like. I judge myself harshly and see myself as weak and a failure. But the other side of me, the loving, caring me knows to just be gentle and this is an illness that is real a difficult. I am not bringing it on myself, although I am certain that decisions in the past contribute to mobilising old emotinal and mental difficulties. When I say men tal I am always afraid that people reading this would then think of mentla nutcases. There is still such a stigma. Or mayb e that is my harsh self berating and judgement and there is no stigma at all. Ha! That's rubish - there is a fear and aversion to mental health of any kind. I am depressed, have been suicidal or as SC reminds me I feel murderous and that is all turned in on me.
Funny thing is I am so convincing when I think of the things I want to do. I was really, really convinced that I needed to make contact. After last night and actually standing up and reading my poetry and then people coming to talk to me aftewards - I wanted to share that adrenalin excxitetment with someone who would be pleased for me. I did tell a friend but it's not the same somehow for me as someone special. I guess really I wanted my dad to show some pride in me. But that sort of thing he wouldn't even acknowledge. It's not valid and worthwhile. And so I wanted JH to be proud and exicted with me. Someone to care about me and recognise the achievement. The thing is just as the human being is he, he probably would be able to acknowledge that. JB for example wouldn't although he can acknowledge the academic achievement s I have made. Writing just that shows me that different people have different things that they consider valuable and priorities. It's just having someone to acknowledge what is important to me that would be nice and accepting of me.
Then this morning I was afraid of going to the GP and saying that I am better but not fully and that I wanted more time off. I felt ashamed and again want someone to validate me and make it OK. I sent texts and AM said she would call later. ET phoned off the cuff which was nice and gave me some reassurance about the care for me at work. She also mentioned that she might be signed off for a couple of weeks. More affirmation through others. ANd so I actually had the courage to go and the GP took decisions himself from there. This was a relief, he is taking me seriously and suggesting what needs to be done. I do need him to escalate things with the specialist but was loathe to push that. I will call and ask the receptionist to requesst that he does do that after all. You see I can do these things without needing approval from outside.
The reality is I wouldn't be honest about this anymore with JH anyway. The last time I was honest he started reading up and deciding on a diagnosis. I felt very judged and at risk. A little information is dangerous and rather than dealing with me as simply me I wondered if he had in mind judgements from "mental health" issues. Yuch! How violated I feel having allowed myself to be so open. Some people misuse information. I am not sure JH did but I am not sure he didn't either. His behaviours have left me with a real distrust. I am sure he would hate that, but then he wanted to make me the problem too I think rather than look at himself. He made me not the compatible one with him.
I can see it both sides.
Anyway - I know that it would be possible at some time to be a friend with JH but right now I am not certain it would be OK as I am so vulnerable so I just need not to. That may change tomorrow but for today - no.
Vulnerable? Because I feel such love still and it is not reciprocated. I just have to keep allowing myself to grieve and let go, grieve and let go, let go, let go.
It's mixed up thought this love. Because I feel love for sme elements. I still do not love the parts that are dishonest and does not want monogamy.

I am dreaming alot. Vivid dreams. IN the early hours of the morning yesterday, people from my younger years were walking into a tented area and sitting at a big outdoor table/bench. NS was the main person I remember. I was wondering why they were walking bac into my life. They were sitting there chatting and I could feel myself with that sense of being on the outside and seperate. I never did feel the same as everybody else but was trying to be so that I would be accepted.
This monring I had a dream too - it's slipped out of my memory. And yet I have been thinking about during the day.

Well my plan was to to go to the temple again for the meditation this evening. AB and I walked longer than expected. My gosh it was even hotter today. Lovely.
We saw cowslips ... they are so rare they are protected now. GB says she has seen wild orchids there too. I hope we get to see them sometime soon.
The point I was going to make, more importantly, is that somehow I changed my plans. I ended up at the SLAA meeting. The reading was so relevant - it couldn't have been better if it was planned. I was concerned at the health of the meeting. But there is a meeting and I was able to share.
I need to get myself more involved once again. The reading even talked about setting up a new meeting, which I have been contemplating off and on. ML says she would be interested if I di although she wouldn't be involved in the setting up. There is K too she might be interested and get involved too. Well I will research a venue. I keep moaning that there isn't the variety of meetings and so now is an opportunity to do something about that. Perhaps  CoDA might get underway too. Who knows .....
The meeting was helpful - I cried at the sadness I feel, I shared the frustration I feel with self, the despair, the disappointment of the relationship turning out the way it did, I shared the madness that has ensued and the grief too. And now I need to put some work in and stick with it. Commitment even when I don't necessarily feel up to it. That is something I wanted in JH - standstill, don't run and work through things which requires change. However, he didn't want to change things to stay committed to me. He is committed in other things. And that is so so sad.
I also shared just a little about my dad. How I would love to have a different relationship with him but this is the one I have. It's not all good.

I read my poems last evening. I am still surprised - when asked what had inspired me to read out, I really don't know. The reception seemed good - I was given a gift of someone elses poem. Someone wanted to sit quietly and re-read one and said that it really resonated for them. Someone else referred to a line of one of my poems and used it in their own way. The guest poet came over and was very encouraging. And two other poets were encouraging me to sahre more of my poems. People were very enthusiastic. It's such a weird little mix of people. I feel I have written this now twice - oh well

Very tired now - it's the end of the day - added to this in bits and pieces through the day. Lots to say and nothing coming out today

Tantra and Love

Sex is the seed, love is the flower, compassion is the fragrance
Osho

"Love is patient, love is Kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is n ot conceited; does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked."

"... finds not joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends"
Corinthians 13

Love is Karma. This is the essence of Tantra. Karma is created from our thoughts and actions. Th result is in our experiences. So the love we give and receive is the direct result of our thoughts and actions.
To have love, we must first choose loving actions.
We must regulate our behaviour, and be vigilant about creating and maintaining the highest intentions.
Honour
Respect
Surrender
Releasing the Ego
These are the laws of love.

"This is love; to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally to take a step wthout feet"
Rumi

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere, they are in each other all along"
Rumi

Many go from partner to partner on an empty search for fulfillment. But the answer does not lie in another, it lies in YOU.
Love yourself.
When you vibrate self-love, send it our to the Universe, you attract a resonate vibration and Love finds you ...
This is the heart of Tantra.

"Your task is not to seek Love, but merely seek and find all the barriers wihtin yourself that you have built against it"
Rumi

This is truly how to make love
Action and reaction
Cause and effect

Love is Karma

Cavern of fear

Brancusi - the end of a beautiful friendship.


I have had a realisation as I was pointing my finger in my thoughts. My thoughts were based around the fears I am feeling as a friend feels distant. She is very busy, but also talking a lot of unhealthy talk around drinking etc. What this raises is a fear of losing her and her friendship. I value her so much. With her I feel relaxed and can be myself. That is rare, just a handful of friendships that I feel that comfortable. Now I know that is my own issues and if I were truly at ease with myself I would not feel stresses with anyone. But I really would defy the everyday person who says that there is no one that raises tensions. Interaction with different people brings different things.
Anyway my thinking was intensified with her as she has been invited to go away on what seems like an exciting and exotic holiday with a friend of hers. I felt a little jealous as I would like to have the freedom to travel. I truly miss that. I have travelled extensively and ever since leaving the industry I feel as if my wings have been clipped.
Anyhow she has also been talking about not wanting to take up the invite as she is uncertain of her staying clean. Although actually in the last half hour or so she is saying things that are more reassuring on that front. But what I was realising is that I am feeling less trust in the friendship. By that I mean that I feel afraid that she will be moving away from me in preference for "using".
I was just writing to her, and realised not to send the text. I started off by saying I wonder if you have ever felt this? And was going onto say how I am feeling a degree of fear that she is detaching from me and moving away. When suddenly I realised that this is what I do and did when I was with JH. I have done it in all my relationships. I detach from my friendships. Now I know that there is a certain degree of moving away from people as a relationship is new. But my friend was constantly saying that I was less and less available and more and more secretive.
I feel very sorry and sad about that now. If I was more balanced then I would maintain the friendships that I truly value. I know that some of this is down to my insecurities in the relationships. My thinking that I have to be totally available and dedicated. Now that is surely an indication that something is amiss in the first place. Like I said to JH, I sensed through the way things were that it wasn't secure. With SH it was different, he was trustworthy regarding other women, but he was angry and possessive and so I didn't feel able to do my own things. I was scared of his anger and the retribution. Not that he would be violent. Just an inbuilt fear of anger. And so if I look back at each relationship, I gave up my own life for one reason or another because of fear of losing the relationships. They became my Higher Power. I am not blaming anyone in this, just very very sad that is how it's been.
My incredible sense of worthlessness and being unlovable and with that a terror of abandonment. I can see where it was borne despite my mum loving me so so much. She was there in one sense and so absent in other ways. My dad though was unpredictable. I think he treasured the little girl I was but anything out of order for him and he rejected me in various subtle ways and at other times not subtle. I was never enough and that's how I feel now.
Of course with the awareness that's improving and changing, but it's a very core belief.
It leaves me feeling sad and grieving.

And so what I need to do is make an amends to my friend. To say that I can hear what she has been saying now and am getting a clearer view of things. I am not sure yet how it will change but I really want it to. I do not want to continue the way things have been. I want it to be a proper amends but hope that I will be more alert to myself and try not to go down the destructive behaviour routes in the future. I really want to change.  And I want her to know how much I value her friendship. I am not changing because of her, but hope that one of the things that will emerge from changes I so want will be that the fullness of what the friendship means to me will be better realised. I don't know if this will make sense to her. I hope so. It's not fully formulated in my mind what it is I need to say. So perhaps I should not say it until it is really clear as this is very important to me.
What is wonderful is that I am getting clearer and clearer insight.
I so do not want to use - the feelings and thinking are very strong and in recent past have driven behaviours that certainly suppress.
I feel an immense sense of relief that I am getting some clarity and permitting myself to let out some of the emotions that I have been stifling. I feel gratitude that I have been given opportunities to explore and despite acting out I have not given up on looking and exploring myself entirely. It is exhausting and frightening too when things are not immediately obvious.

It's a relief to be getting the awareness as I have already stated. And it's enabling me to challenge the desires to act out - i.e. I keep wanting to make contact with JH. Partly I know that friendliness is possible but right now I am not sure that s the only thing driving the desire. I want him to want me and I know that he cannot. So I will be hurt and disappointed all over again. That would take away from my own feelings that I am trying to work on and get some healing. I see the way it works I think just a little clearer anyway. And similarly with food. I think I am hungry but actually I know I have eaten sufficient - and so it will be feelings of anger I want to eat away. Eating and smoking are such anger suppressants. I have thought of anger as one type of expression - but it gets expressed in so many various ways. Subtle and yet destructive nonetheless.
I can allow myself to feel it without shame and disgust this morning. Whereas I know if I were to talk about this anger and rage with JH I would feel that I was wrong and bad, as that is what I received from him. It is wrong and bad to be angry. I may be wrong about that but I certainly picked that up from him along the days. Again this is not about blaming. This is for me viewing things and realising how ashamed of my anger I have been to be able to pick that up so sensitively. I also have in the past thought it wrong and bad to be angry. I don't like it when friends are angry with me - i get defensive. I see this in myself. Not at a finger point at JH or anyone else. I see how uncomfortable I am with anger as I always think it's my fault that someone is angry. Because I suppose I feel angry to such an extent and my dad is involved in that. If he hadn't done what he did then a lot would be so very different. If he was different I could have been different. That needs some reconciliation somehow.

Reading from Homer, Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema, 1885
There is freedom by learning about self and being able to put things to rest but does require constantly working on self. What I hope for is the reprieve when I can relax again and enjoy living. Since all things started getting difficult with JH, it has been less about enjoying life and having fun - but pain and despair and then having to take a serious and hard look inwards.

Anyone reading this - I hope you realise that it is not about JH but that was the most recent mobilising event. And I can look back and see how it has played out time after time.
In there somewhere as well is the normality of meeting and liking a man, the disappoint of discovering actually we are not fully compatible and the sadness of having to separate. I know that is all normal and not to be forgotten. But there was also a huge trigger into re-traumatising. And not everyone has that or realises they do. This is for me to not continue to do.
Eroticising sex, meaning I have sex before really establishing the relationship. Confusing sex then with the emotions that ensue, having given entirely of myself. That's why it seemed easier to be a slave. Knowing he would have no real partnership love for me made it easy just to give and give and give and my reward to be through sexual relief and pleasure. Also thinking that he would be getting his pleasures through me somehow but not understanding what that was. I guess there was a similarity with being a lady of the night. It's all so messy and still a lot to shuffle through. I need more help from SC and remain abstinent. I can see it so clearly right now!

Bliss
XX

ps. studying now until lunchtime. No contact with JC - finishing that here and now. LP will be minimal anyway and is via the rooms really so very different. I need complete and utter abstinence.
This is not about JH but it was recent and still showing me so much what has occured.