Sunday, 3 July 2011

Mystical Mugwort

Mugwort Madness

After having a long discussion with a friend who wanted to pull every last little root of Mugwort from her yard because she was so frustrated with it's regrowth and noxious habits, I decided to educate everyone on its wonderful properties. Here is information I have gathered through the years from my Materia Medica on the wonderful herb Mugwort. To many, this herb is a pretty annoying weed but . . if you read on, you may not want to be so hasty to pull it and disregard it.
I will caution, if you have it growing wild in high amounts, you may want to wear a dusk mask if you decide to mow it down. I say this because Mugwort can be used to induce dreams and I have heard many, many, many (and I say this over again because it is true!!!) stories of people cutting it down and then suffering from outrageous and even frightening nightmares and dreams.
Hope you enjoy the info I have collected, some of which has also been passed down to me from my Grandmother and her ancestors. I love this herb, it has such a history and is loaded with folklore!!
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Mugwort - AKA: Artemisa, Carline Thistle, Chiu Ts'Ao, Ai ye or Hao-shu, Common Mugwort, Douglas Mugwort, Felon herb, Sailor’s tobacco, Wormwood, Cronewort, St. John’s Plant, Wild Chrysanthemum, Cingulum Sancti Johannis, Moxa, Armoise, Chrysanthemum Weed, Muggons, Naughty Man , Old Man , Old Uncle Henry, Artemis Herb
Description: life cycle - perennial, reproducing by seed (rare in north) and rhizomes stems - upright, tall, become woody in late season leaves - alternate, deeply cut, lobes with sharp points, upper surface smooth (sometimes slightly hairy), undersides appear fuzzy or velvety, white to gray hairs flowers - heads of greenish-yellow disk (tubulate) florets; leafy panicles above. Sepals are absent, sometimes replaced by a structure of hairs and scales called a pappus. Small dry fruit develops below the pappus containing a single seed that is dispersed by wind or animals. Each head consists of several to many small flowers attached to a disk shaped, conical, or concave receptacle. For identification and classification, the flowers are considered either disk flowers (those with a tubular structure and found in the center disk) or ray flowers (with a flat, petal like corolla distributed around the margins). other - chrysanthemum scent when bruised or crushed. Common Mugwort has leaves lying upon the ground, very much divided, or cut deeply in about the brims, somewhat like Wormwood, but much larger, of a dark green color on the upper side, and very hoary white underneath. The stalks rise to be four or five feet high, having on it such like leaves as those below, but somewhat smaller, branching forth very much towards the top, whereon are set very small, pale, yellowish flowers like buttons, which fall away, and after them come small seeds, enclosed in round heads. The root is long and hard, with many small fibers growing from it, whereby it takes strong hold on the ground; but both stalks and leaves do lie down every year, and the root shoots anew in the spring. The whole plant is of a reasonable scent, and is more easily propagated by the slips than the seed. Perennial herb native to Africa, temperate Asia, and Europe, widely naturalized in most parts of the world. Found growing on hedge banks and waysides, uncultivated and waste land. Cultivation - Mugwort prefers slightly alkaline, well-drained loamy soil, in a sunny position. Blooming is from July to October. Mugwort is closely related to Common Wormwood (Absinthe). Often grown in Moon gardens.
Uses: Mugwort leaves are edible, young leaves are boiled as a pot herb or used in salad, they aid in digestion although said to have a bitter taste. An infusion of the leaves and flowering tops is used in the treatment of all matters connected to the digestive system, it increases stomach acid and bile production, eases gas and bloating, improving digestion, the absorption of nutrients and strengthening the entire digestive system. It is used in alternative medicine to expel intestinal worms, nervous and spasmodic affections, asthma, sterility, functional bleeding of the uterus and menstrual complaints, and diseases of the brain. As a gargle for sore throat, a wash for sores and a poultice for infections, tumors and to stop bleeding. The leaves have an antibacterial action, inhibiting the growth of Staphococcus aureus, Bacillus typhi, B. dysenteriae, streptococci, E. coli, B. subtilis, and pseudomonas. A weak tea made from the infused plant is a good all-purpose insecticide. The fresh or the dried plant repels insects. Also used to induce dreams and is used as a sleep aid. The infused oil can be used as a massage oil to increase circulation. Apply compresses of Mugwort Oil to areas of the body which are blue in color or cold to the touch, such as varicose veins where the flow of blood is restricted or stagnant. Helpful for bringing 'summer forces' during the winter-time, or for winter-like conditions of the body: cold hands and feet, and hardening or stiffening conditions like rheumatism. Helpful for those who need to balance a predominance of 'moon' qualities (such as emotional and psychic sensitivity) with solar clarity and embodied physical warmth. Recommended by many midwives during labor and delivery, and for facilitating lactation. It has a mild nervine action in aiding depression and easing tension, insomnia and nervousness. Mugwort is also used to bring on delayed or suppressed menstrual cycle and may help to regulate menstrual cycles. The leaves can also be rubbed on the skin as an antidote to Poison Oak. In a clinical trial, crushed fresh mugwort leaves applied to the skin were shown to be effective in eradicating warts. A traditional Chinese herbal therapy of burning moxa sticks or cones containing Mugwort over inflamed and affected acupuncture points of the body. It stimulates the blood and energy of the affected areas and removed prior to the skin burning. Knowledge of acupuncture points is recommended. A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association reported on the successful use of moxibustion in reversing breech birth positions. The study found that 75% of 130 fetuses had reversed their position after moxibustion treatment of the mother. The technique is said to stimulate the acupuncture point known as BL67, located near the toenail of the fifth toe, stimulating circulation and energy flow and resulting in an increase in fetal movements.
Actions: antibacterial, anthelmintic, anti-inflammatory, antiseptic, antispasmodic, carminative, cholagogue, diaphoretic, digestive, diuretic, emmenagogue, expectorant, haemostatic, nervine, purgative, stimulant, stomachic, and tonic, cleansing toxins from the blood Cautions: Should not be used by pregnant women since it can cause a miscarriage. Excessive doses can lead to symptoms of poisoning, but nothing is to be feared from normal use.
Folklore: In Native American folklore Mugwort was also a Witchcraft medicine, rubbed the leaves on ones body to keep ghosts away or wearing a necklace to prevent dreaming of the dead. In the Middle Ages a crown made from its sprays was worn on St. John's Eve to gain security from evil possession. Mugwort derived its common name from being used to flavor drinks like beer before the introduction of hops. The Name Artemisia is from the Goddess Artemis (1st century AD) who inspired the plants genus name. In the Middle Ages, there were many superstitions connected with Mugwort. It was rumored to preserve the traveler from fatigue, sunstroke and evil spirits. It was believed that John the Baptist wore a girdle of Mugwort in the wilderness for protection. Mugwort oil can be used as anointing oil for its connection to Artemis and the lunar cycles. Anglo-Saxon tribes believed that the aromatic mugwort was one of the nine sacred herbs given to the world by the god Woden. Mugwort is considered a magical herb, with special properties to protect road-weary travelers against exhaustion. The Romans planted mugwort by roadsides where it would be available to passersby to put in their shoes to relieve aching feet.
Magical: Mugwort is a versatile sacred herb. It can be used for spiritual cleansing, protection, healing, and consecration, and it can aid dream work, trance, and intuitive development. Associated with the Full Moon and with the Summer Solstice since ancient times, Mugwort also is suitable for rituals year round. It can be used as a ritual tool in many ways. A garland crown, or ritual head wreath, can be easily fashioned from one or more freshly cut Mugwort stalks. Dried wreaths hung on or above doorways, are wonderful house blessing charms. Make a smudge stick from thoroughly dried sprigs of Mugwort leaves. Wave the burning smudge stick back and forth to move the smoke around to consecrate the ritual place and participants. Fresh or dried leaves, flowers, and sprigs of Mugwort can be used as an offering in personal and group rituals. Leave Mugwort offerings at a shrine, place on the ground, or cast into a sacred fire. Use dried, sturdy, mature stalks that are at least 1/4 inch thick to make a scared wand. Dip the Mugwort aspersing wand into a chalice or bowl of ritual water, and then flick water droplets onto the place, ritual objects, or participants for consecration. Dried Mugwort stalks can be burned in combination with Oak and other sacred woods in ceremonial fires. Dried Mugwort leaves and flowers also are good additives to sacred fires. Make a Mugwort sachet or pillow, smell its fragrance as you do an affirmation to bless sleep, guide dreaming, and aid dream recall and interpretation upon awaking. For use in scrying, place some Mugwort potion in a dark colored ritual bow and meditatively gaze into it in subdued light. In addition, Mugwort also can be used as a sacred flavoring in ritual brews and foods. At the culmination of a home blessing rite, hang a fresh Mugwort sprig above the main door into your home for protection and good fortune. Hang a Mugwort sprig or wreath above your bed to bless sleep and dreaming. Fill an amulet bag with Mugwort, energize it, and wear it around your neck for healing, spiritual growth, and intuition. Put a pouch of Mugwort in the glove compartment of your vehicle or hang a Mugwort amulet bag from your rear view mirror to bless your travels. In addition, Mugwort can be combined with other ingredients in making amulets and charms for a variety of purposes. Grow Mugwort in a ritual garden. Create a year round ceremonial circle with a Mugwort hedge. Grow Mugwort next to your home to bless and protect it. Meditate and commune with living Mugwort for relaxation, healing, and inspiration. Place Mugwort in the shoes to gain strength during long walks or runs. For this purpose pick Mugwort before sunrise, saying: Tollam te artemesia, ne lassus sim in via. Mugwort is also burned with sandalwood or wormwood during scrying rituals, and a Mugwort infusion is drunk (sweetened with honey) before divination.The infusion is also used to wash crystal balls and magic mirrors, and Mugwort leaves are placed around then base of the ball (or beneath it) to aid in psychic workings. According to ancient tradition, when carrying Mugwort you cannot be harmed by poison, wild beasts or sunstroke. In a building, Mugwort prevents 'dark elves' and 'evil things' from entering, and branches of Mugwort are used in Japan by the Ainus to exorcise spirit's of disease who are thought to hate the odor. In China, it is hung over the doors to keep evil spirits from buildings.Mugwort is also carried to increase lust and fertility, to prevent backache, and to cure disease and madness. Placed next to the bed it aids in achieving astral projection. GENDER : Feminine. PLANET : Venus. ELEMENT : Earth. DEITIES : Morrigan , Artemis, Áine POWERS : Strength, Psychic Powers, Protection, Prophetic Dreams, Healing ,Astral Projection
Peaceful Blessings and please think twice before ridding your garden of Mugwort!!! :)

Miss Conversationalists

Here are messages between myself and my very dear friend .... read the mis-communication.....

Friend
since being 'unhinged' by a certain man and working full-time may be a little more accurate :) - and u have loads going on around family/father too :( So be kind to you too within your anger wiv yourself.x
Bliss
Thank you :)
You too - you give yourself a damned hard time and it's not necessary. It makes me sad to hear you giving yoruself a beating up x
when am I at mo! well bar not being able to contact family - which I need to today before speaking to K! gulp All last last minute U know me. going to make a instant coffee - yuk - go back to bed and watch casulaty and then get up and try and call my mother before midday. flat stinks and has mess everywhere it is revolting. but can hopefully start sorting once spoken to my mother - gulp. wot to do ?????????
Bliss    
Call me if you need to after speaing with her.
Friend
thank u - going to try and be breezy - if she asks I may say entire family is somewhat critical - I feel at a loss as to take it all on as my stuff but dont think in aable
Friend
space to broach that as an actual topic yet - if ever - as she is getting pld so may just not
Friend
breezy - I think sarcasm will sneak in I can feel it already - numbing tv and coffee first :) Good luck wiv studies.x
Bliss
Can you turn it around the other way? So as not to point the finger and create a defensiveness .... perhaps you could keep the focus on you somehow. You and I now your family are critical. And it has an effect on you and everyone else too as they all become defensive and agressive in their defensiveness. But perhaps you could focus on you and how you feel when things are said in a way that seems critical to you ... just an idea to not get in the fighting ring with them
Bliss
So before you call perhaps yo also need to find a way to take on a different attitude as no doubt the sarcastic defenseive attitude might end up aggravating an already difficult situation for you
Friend
I have always taken it on and it is then me that is the problem for being overly sensitive...... fuck it. I may try and be loving but don't feel I should continue taking the buff of everyone elses dissatisfaction wiv their own lives to criticise others - know i do that myself but wwant to get back to concentrating on me - I do know that I would not be that missed if I died - it would be sad for the family but in reality it would not make much of an effect in any of their day to day lives....... u need to start your study and I and not wanting to talk about this. I shall phone as be as breezy as I can.x sorry if sound grrrrr Dont mean it at you - hence looking for therapist - lots in me that needs to some out somewhere :(
Bliss
I think I have not made myself clear. It is not about taking it on. This is not your fault that your family operate in this manner. And their criticism of you in my view is completely unfounded. What I was meaning is that the way in which things are said can create defensiveness if it feels like accusation and just ends up with more battle ground stuff. So somehow stay clear of their battle ground. You don't need it. So no no no - not taking it on as yours - it is not yours at all. It is their behaviour. There is a distinct difference in keeping the focus on self and not taking it on as you being the problem - it's simply owning your feelings when people behave in certain ways but doesn;t mean that their behaviour is wrong for them if that makes any sense. They may be quite happy with their behaviour. And what they do to you is certainly not what you want to do to them.
And yes can hear your grrr but think it's related to a mis communication of what I am suggesting might be a way foward. I try it with y dad all the time but get so sucked in so quickly I lose it all too quickly. But I also think some things have been heard differently now. And I forget as well that he hasn;t had all the therapy I have to be able to listen differently but he does claim to be so intelligent etc etc. I just forget that he and I are on different wave lengths and I want him so much to get me and change. I just want to be loved for who I am - good mood, bad mood, making mistakes, liking people he doesn't, not rich, not settled etc. I want this to be OK and to me it doesn't feel OK because I am sure there is a contribution that I know he doesn't approve.
So I relate just with different things done in different ways. The feeings and the difficulties though are very similar.
Friend
I do take on my feelings, although they appear to hear that as then my issue, so it is the entire not actually heard as per usual and I don't feel that u really hearing me now - I have been more successful wiv my families effect on me at times - but I can only take so much at certain times - so like you wiv your father it undulates in its manner, sometimes quite erratically. I don't necessartily want my mother to love me, in some ways I think she does, but I know my broken trust of what was never there is I think to engrained in me - whether that is childish or not I think it is realistic - there is no pooint in me pretending to be all a okay about it and forgiving. howver on the flip side i do care for her and fell for her and know I will be devastssted when she dies so i need toi try and do what i do and just get on with it - most of the time its okay and then i forget and actully want support from them as a family and yet again i don;t get it as I want it and the circle continues blah blha blha fucking blah. I know I can't change then or their views I just wish they could be more open minded to others ways of being - like I try to be and actually an be - like when I am okay with then it is just letting them get on wiv their klives and values - hence coda prob good for me to go back to again - may try the monday one ? may be once back at work - so yes lost sna dlots and lots. smokes halped me be more tolerant - tried deep breeathing in U but ended up crying - poo! bye.x
Bliss
Oh I agree that you do not need to pretend it is all OK. In fact quite the opposite. I am sorry too that you think I am not hearing you. It's not intentional. I care and hate seeing you so affected by other peoples shortcomings as I view it. I am entirely with you and support whatever you need and want to do.
The reality I think is that whatever I feel is my issue. But that doesn't mean to say I am wrong. What people do does have an effect on me. Somethings I really love and enjoy and other things hurt me to the core, to my soul. It's very deep. And I sometimes think people are doing it on purpose and sometimes know that people just aren't aware but hurt me nonetheless. I think whatever is going it's important for me to speak out.
And like you I wish people generally could accept everyone for who they are and be able to get on or simply move on if getting on is not possible. I keep knocking at the door of my dad hopng we can find a way to get on. I know there is a way but I am not sure what that way is. I don;t believe it is through cutting contact. With some people it may be necessary but it is up to me to learn the acceptance because I cannot expect my dad to. At the same time I am becming more able to state my wants and needs and my feelings about the way things are and have been. This very new for me. In the past it has just been an argument of casting aspersions between us. And now I am turning that around. So I just thought it might be similar for you.
But I am hearing you more. I hope you have a breezy call and it doesn't rock you too much today.
Here if you need to speak about it although know you often prefer to have time to yourself after contact wth your mother.
Hope it goes smoothly
Love you
x
and I think she should hear some home truths - I think both of them should (and me too, and A and N and J and S, and T - it's all fucked) there is so so so much that is not said its ridiculous - seriously - hence my 'wow' aorund my realisation that anyone is only what the other creates in their own mind. However, as it is only me that is on my own (well bar Tam but I have to leave her to get on with her self - although even that is difficult and raises huge guilt within me) - perhaps I am just a very selfish person ?? Anyway - yes the interaction that I have p[roabbaly holds more imporatnce than it does for them as they have families closer by - so I do apprciate that the entire world does not revolve around me... going to watch tv now bored of self and typing :)x
Friend
my mistrust goes so deep that having someone saying they love me - like my father used to then means they can do what they want - if that makes any sense at all. my mother says through strained throat she loves me and therefore all else is ok. she has her downfalls and admits them leaving me voiceless. I do think she has been cruel and like that horror film that I used to mention. actions and words have and are very mis-matching from most of my family - may be I just expected too much. hence need to re-focus back on me and be breezy and ok wiv them. they have their own lives to deal wiv so who would want a fuck wit shadowing their light over and above their own difficulties. i can only take so much so perhaps it is like that for them too. as we never speak about it we will never know. for instance my mother could say I cant deal with this rather than pushing C onto or into the role that she is unable to fulfill. its warped and unkind on all. C should say no - I should not accpet it as a replacement - that I don't anymore, which has not been accpeted as ok as it rocks the boat even further. C is ok when he is not asking about fucking houses - that is his overlly codependant concern for others i suppose. really am bored now - bye.x hops study gpoing well

Bliss
It sounds a complex mish mash. And as you say nothing can be openly discussed.
When I say I love you - it is you I love. Just the way you are. I am sorry you cannot trust that right now. But I love you anyway so I know it's real.
Anything I say is never meant to hurt you. It's just communication of ideas and thoughts. Hopefully clarity can be gained by meanings and intentions through talking about it which is something we cannot do easily with our respective families. I remain close by anyway and know that I vallue your opinions and thoughts as I learn and grow.
When you say you are bored now, I understand that as you saying you don't want to talk about it anymore.
I hope you don't but sometimes I think you attribute your family dynamics with me. I am know I have a lot of shortcomings but I am not any one of them and when I say I love you it is because I do. And I care too. I might not do that perfectly, nonetheless my mistakes are not because you don't matter. I hope you can trust that someday.

Yes! Yes! I have actually started answering the question part of the assignment. Not too much wordage but there are only right answers, no room for interpretation. The science bit which I struggle to put into succinct sentences. But I think I understand the science of what is happening at least. I should have done these questions when I was actuall studying that subject matter as I had it very clear at that time. Now with loads of info on top it's a little hazy.
I just need to pass! BUT I want a FIRST!!!!!!!!
Back to it.

xx
Friend
oh - it's not all about u :) I was not even thinking about u saying u love me :0 Infact you have prob been one of my most constants :9 of which I appreciate 'hugely' and I hope u know that and yes I know that I love you too (my doctor is my other constant - but I don't love her) - I know I won't get a 1st - but do wonder if that is my own laziness as I don't even attempt to think that I may be able to so huge lack of confidence that I could do if that makes sense. And yes I see that I put friends in family slots and I know that it is sometimes unfair - but at other times I know it is to remind me of things that I have yet to work on and through - this is what i was discussing the other day in a closed room - it did feel much more secure than the other place I went as in the building so I hope I get given someone I can work through some of this stuff with and not sure how that is going to fit in with last year at uni - gulp!!
Friend
oh, and I did laugh to myself on way back from A's and was going to text u - as did u notice!!!!? At dinner I did all the talking, which must be a first when us three together. U two had finished your food before I really even started mine... I chuckled in my car :O) x
Friend
well doen on start. c me done nothing been on here for what 3 hours still not had coffee yet.... laters.x
Bliss
It's funny the talking thing because actually in my opinion it shifts and at some pont we all have a turn of talking. When I am listening a lot I think I always listen and when I am talking I think I always do all the talking. But I am realising that it shifts from time to time and I can be patient with listening and not beat myself when talking. It all equals out at some point I think.
That contributes to good friendship I think.
I hadn't specifically noticed on Thursday. I did enjoy the vening though despite my frustratingly low mood right now.
As for your doc you have a lot of respect for her. I didn't think it was ALL about me by the way. Just wanted to say that my love is real and I am not your family. I am very glad that you and I have been constant. I enjoy our friendship very much. Sometimes there are issues that help me learn and grow and I can see my patterns from childhood leaarnings. So it helps me to unpick and do things differently - until the next lesson and reminder that I am repeating unhealthy patterns. It's a continuous ripple effect I think.
YOU ARE ON HOLIDAY NOW SO THERE IS NOTHING YOU HAVE TO DO TODAY. Ooops didn't mean to shout that CapsLock must have been hit on!!
But actually youa re on hols so chilling is perfectly permissible isn't it?
xx
Bliss
What are your thoughts about Art Natters. I would still like to go. Do as much studying as I can - take a break and return to studying. What do you think? Prefer to go with you than alone. Not sure I would go alone as I am too self conscious for that. Flipping scaredy-cat I am. At the same time that's not a codeee bribe to try and guilt you into going and these days I like to think you would know that's just me sharing how I dislike the cowardice in me. Sometimes I can front my fear with courage and do things. How did I get to be so frail and fragile. I think it was a build up of using all the courage all the time and in the end it ran out - especially as I never ever asked for help and support.
Anyway - if you felt like giving it a try I would love to go along.
X     
Friend
lots to do........ :) It took my awareness of choosing people who talk a lot to realise that within that - it is okay for me to talk too. I am sure u and A talk more than me. and bless A when desribing how even under anesthtics the doctrors said she didn't stop :)
Friend
the difference wiv codee stuff is that I now know how to say no when i want to too. I think codee stuff is so so so so oozing into both/all parties even if one is totally healthy it still comes into play if the ither is not so - as one person can not be healthy for two - but yes i hear u asking for support in your scardiness which is nice to hear and no it does not sound codee - and in my healthy response I ma going to have to let u know - still not had a coffee yet. but may be i would like to yes - i can alwasy leave :)
Friend
butb that is not my confirmed reply yet
Friend
will see how day pans out once had coffee and watched some nonsense to get me in a place of picking up the phone and then they won't be in blahblha blha blha
Crazy as I read a slightly aggressive edge and try to be gentle in response but then when I read things I write I realise it could be read with an agfressive edge. Interesting.
Bliss
XX

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Working the Donkey

gaada maajuri
donkey work
My first learning of some Indian but I am not sure what language it actually is.
;) A nice quick catch up with my very lovely friend JK.



Wimbledon Women's finals





Sharapova - a very beautiful young woman in the women's finals at Wimbledon. Wow! She resembles Joely Richardson. 
As I write this they are 1 set all - Oh Petra Kvitova is the opponent. He he - she pales into insignificance for me. But deserves more reconition to get his far.

Yippppppeeeeee off to a party tonight!!!
Sadly it's a goodbye party but hey I will be visiting Norway soon
RF wants me to be nanny in Guernsey for a couple of days ....
Then Spain and IOW.
Lots to plan for ...
As soon as I can et my money back from my employers!!

Bliss
;)
X

Universal awe or narrow path darkness

How to accept that the man I love loves someone else

I was thinking of writing and saying hello. With the aim of finding out how things are and what is going on. Also to find out if he's happy and in love etc. But I think better of it. Really there is a part of me that wants him not to be and to want to be with me which he won't want. And also more importantly I think if he is with someone else it is better that I don;t have contact even if as I would expect he has no more feeling for me than someone he met and and passed by. It would not be fair nor good for the other woman or women. It just doesn't seem right nor fair. I think for their sake I just have to let go despite my deep feelings.

Bliss
:(
XX

Daleks and diodes

This is such a beautiful song......
I know someone who knows Nick Cave very well. He is the godfather to my associates daughter. But they aren't really in contact so often these days and so there is no easy way to introduce me to him. But then I laughed as I would make all this fuss to meet him to say what?????? What is the big deal of getting to meet someone I admire for his music and poetry and films. He is a creator that has gripped me from deep inside. I would stand there like a limone wanting desperately to say something inspiring and unique. Ha ha ha ha. The image of it makes me laugh!

The Ship Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKlaV-9Vzsk&feature=related
I would like to be loved the way he writes about love ...
Or maybe I would love to be loved the way I think and feel about love. I just don't seem to have met someone on the same wave length. Have I?

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

I don't believe in an interventionist god
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Oh, not to touch a hair on your head
Leave you as you are
If he felt he had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
Looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
Ask them to watch over you
Oh, to each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms

But I believe in love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candles burning
Make her journey bright and pure
That she'll keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms, o lord
Into my arms

To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candle burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms       


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FG0-cncMpt8

ON the other hand this is so sad. Jealousy is how I understand it. I am always loathe to state what I interpret into a song in case I am so wrong and I never find out what other people understand from the meaning. We used to do that as teenagers, sit sharing songs and saying what we like about it or get from it. No one really does this anymore so it was fun sharing tracks with JH and really investing the time into that. I assume it was genuine on his part. I like learning from other people's interpretations ...

Get down, get down, little Henry Lee
And stay all night with me
You won't find a girl in this damn world
That will compare with me
And the wind did howl and the wind did blow
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee

I can't get down and I won't get down
And stay all night with thee
For the girl I have in that merry green land
I love far better than thee
And the wind did howl and the wind did blow
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee

She leaned herself against a fence
Just for a kiss or two
And with a little pen-knife held in her hand
She plugged him through and through
And the wind did roar and the wind did moan
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee

Come take him by his lily-white hands
Come take him by his feet
And throw him in this deep deep well
Which is more than one hundred feet
And the wind did howl and the wind did blow
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee

Lie there, lie there, little Henry Lee
Till the flesh drops from your bones
For the girl you have in that merry green land
Can wait forever for you to come home
And the wind did howl and the wind did moan
La la la la la
La la la la lee
A little bird lit down on Henry Lee       

I was so thrilled when I learnt that Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds were on at Latitudes. I dragged ML right to the front and breathed his energy in. Mad man. It made me smile when ML turned round at the end and said she had never experienced anything like it before. I know what she means!!
I think he is unique. I read that he was inspired hugely by Anita Lane and listening to her there is an influence for sure.

 




Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy
But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer
That you've always been her lover
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.
And Jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said "All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them"
But he himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone
And you want to travel with him
And you want to travel blind
And you think maybe you'll trust him
For he's touched your perfect body with his mind.
Now Suzanne takes your hand
And she leads you to the river
She is wearing rags and feathers
From Salvation Army counters
And the sun pours down like honey
On our lady of the harbour
And she shows you where to look
Among the garbage and the flowers
There are heroes in the seaweed
There are children in the morning
They are leaning out for love
And they will lean that way forever
While Suzanne holds the mirror
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that you can trust her
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwIZdh6MqIo&NR=1

Now he he is not a "real looker". And it once again reminds me that it's not about looks that makes someone sexy. I am attracted to the person who has the soul that creates what he creates. If I saw him I am sure I would think he was some kooky freak actually. I am so judgemental from looks. It disappoints me about me. But I suppose I am aware and so double check before actually acting on my judgement these days. I find Nick Cave very sexy indeed. His strange contorted dance movements are compelling. He he he I have a crush don't you think? Typical me to have a crush on a man who is a bit way out there. Mind you my friends seem to be getting to like him. And that's a funny thing because as much as I like it, I also am a little possessive. As if the admiration is all mine (and all the other millions). I like that I have introduced them to something they hadn't before heard and that it's a little off centre stuff. But then I don't want him to become mainstream within even my friends because then I am no longer alone in my off centreness and slightly different from my friends. This is ego stuff huh??
So I will enjoy that my friends are enjoying.
I do smile at myself for all these weird quirks I have going on as a narration. Constant chatter about this and thatter.


I am in the most peculiar phase and it's been with me some time now. Mainly life seems very bleak. I see how I have spent my life being ready to leave, move on. I very much see that with the places I have lived. I move in and am ready to move out. I think my dad was the same. I can recall him not liking anywhere we lived and be in a state of looking for the next place. Have I learnt that from him? What is that attitude. Nowhere is home. And yet on the positive side of that everywhere is home. I make a claim on nowhere and can be anywhere. Although there was that period of time when I felt incredibly insecure. It was when I returned from Spain and I didn't have anywhere permanent. It's so odd how I want something to be settled and solid and yet when I have it I can feel trapped by it and want to shake off the shackles.
What is this? Is this the bi-polar thinking?



You see I keep feeling so dark and deathly but then have equal glimpses of simplicity and serenity. I see the wonder and awe of the Universe just as it is with all it's its dysfunction as I look at some of the destruction on this planet by supposed intelligent human beings. But then I look at my specific part and think I just want to put an end to it. I don't want anything else particular except to be skinny perhaps. But even when I have been skinny it doesn't make anything any better. I can never be skinny enough and when skinny I don't feel sexy - blah blah blah. And now I am too old to be sexy. Oh you see I am truly discontented and so might as well end it.
I expect people would say this is depression. It probably is. I am trying to just function. Work is OK, a sort of distraction. It was even fun yesterday just Peter and I. I often think he doesn't have fun with me like he used to with IC and how he laughs with SH. But yesterday we had just a nice day together. Well I thought it was nice, we just got a long. He was so complimentary about my therapy style as well. It felt genuine too. Not the usual positive and encouraging type compliment.

I went to the meeting last evening and felt the serenity in the meeting. I felt the joys of life there. I do every time. It's upbeat and positive. I I sat looking at the different people there wondering if they just did get sober and life got better. It has not been that way for me. D keeps suggesting I call her, which I will today. She has invited me to visit her for a coffee which I would love to do. I know she has a "cure" attitude. Well she is a GP. I want her to be mummy somehow but I can see she is not a mummy sort.
I have encountered her on and off for years and then blow me over with coincidence, she is also a friend of a friend not in recovery. I like that the web of connections. Six degrees of separation again.

Daleks and diodes you may ask. Well JB is now creating using Action Men and Daleks. But his dalek diodes aren't working. Honestly I do listen to his conversations. Somehow I don't really engage with them. He goes on and on and on. He cares so much for other people but there is something about the way he is that just keeps people, well me, at an arms length. He takes over. Actually I don't listen to everything he says at all. I just have the phone to my ear. He is funny though. And very special for some reason to me.

Dinner with AM and ML this week. AM's house is lovely. A lovely feel to it. I could live there easily. Thing is I want it but if I got it would I feel at home enough to want to stay. I want someone else's permanence to hitch onto. Yes that's it. My mum's home was the terra firm for me and I could adventure out anywhere knowing that was there. A little like the theory of Marcia and and Erickson. The adolescent stages which is a time to go out adventuring and starting to really separate from the family of origin, experimenting more broadly with opinions and seeing how "me" fits into the bigger world. I am still wanting that somewhat. As I write it I cringe. But is it so wrong? No if I am aware of it and don't try to unconsciously impose my unconscious needs from that onto others. I wonder how many times I have actually been looking for a parent in a partner and getting the security of that to then go off and adventure and experiment being new secure me again. On my own I am incredibly insecure. And at this age I wonder if that's possible to change. It would not be possible surely to meet anyone who would manage me as me. As much as I think I am unlovable actually I simply haven't met anyone who was meeting me for me. As in the most recent relationship with JH. I have been thinking that I am bad, unlovable, rejected and so on. His wanting other women and not being able to be boundaried actually translated within me into me not being good enough or even enough and sooner or later he would be influenced away by someone that he found better. Me being just a passing phase. But there is also within that the fact that JH, despite saying he was in love with me and loved me as well as liking me, didn't love me the way I want to be loved. Different ideas of what this thing means. There was no compromise from him as much as there was a block for me.
Interesting.
I was going to write something else that occurred to me too but I have forgotten. Oh yes he didn't really love me for the way I am and couldn't seem to manage with me as me just as I couldn't with him and his women thingy. And probably an addiction to SL.

I need to get my head into my books and get on with my assignment. It's a lot of work and only 4 days to do it all in!! And tomorrow I want to go along to Art Natters. Will I? I hope to. And tonight I want to go to T's goodbye party. I don't want her to leave .....

I just read about a woman who acknowledged that she grieved the loss of her freedom before her child was born. She wasn't depressed or negative about her child at all. Quite the opposite but just acknowledging there were times when she grieved the freedom before parenthood. I love people's ability to be honest. Peeling back the layers. I am not sure what my honesty is at the moment and I am sure it's contributing to this dark mood that I am having.
Dark but with a bright light that twinkles. And that is true. I can be sitting and thinking or listening to someone when I see a twinkle, like a bright sparkle. It happens often throughout my day. I usually associate the sparkle with the person I listening to or looking at. It's more noticeable at those times although I am aware the sparkles occur at other times too. I see colours around things and people too. I remember the first time I truly noticed it. Well it was impossible  not to notice.
I was at a therapists I had been recommended to see. I saw her a couple of times when I was still with SH. As I sat opposite her green moved across her face and arms. Not the usual sort of see-through veil that wraps around and twirls about people. This was solid green at times blocking out her face and arms. I think her name was Kirsty but that name seems too young for the age she was. Anyway it threw me. I thought something was wrong with my eyesight. I have had thorough eye check ups and a brain scan and there is nothing apparently wrong in my brain. The colours come and go or rather I notice them at times and maybe just don't at other times.
But the sparkles I see as a regular feature throughout my day. I did not see them about JP recently. I have a dark feeling from him. SH does too. Nice person but darkness looms. That might sound just too spooky for some people. I don't often get that sense from people but it does happen.


Nick Cave - As I sat sadly by her side

As I sat sadly by her side
At the window, through the glass
She stroked a kitten in her lap
And we watched the world as it fell past
Softly she spoke these words to me
And with brand new eyes, open wide
We pressed our faces to the glass
As I sat sadly by her side

She said, "Father, mother, sister, brother,
Uncle, aunt, nephew, niece,
Soldier, sailor, physician, labourer,
Actor, scientist, mechanic, priest
Earth and moon and sun and stars
Planets and comets with tails blazing
All are there forever falling
Falling lovely and amazing"

Then she smiled and turned to me
And waited for me to reply
Her hair was falling down her shoulders
As I sat sadly by her side

As I sat sadly by her side
The kitten she did gently pass
Over to me and again we pressed
Our different faces to the glass
"That may be very well", I said
"But watch the one falling in the street
See him gesture to his neighbours
See him trampled beneath their feet
All outward motion connects to nothing
For each is concerned with their immediate need
Witness the man reaching up from the gutter
See the other one stumbling on who can not see"

With trembling hand I turned toward her
And pushed the hair out of her eyes
The kitten jumped back to her lap
As I sat sadly by her side

Then she drew the curtains down
And said, "When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers

And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated"

At which she turned her head away
Great tears leaping from her eyes
I could not wipe the smile from my face
As I sat sadly by her side


Now this song creates the picture of the gloom yet awe that I am feeling. The more I know the sadder I am about the human destruction. The path narrows and what I see is that there is less that is OK and good for me. The bigger Universe is incredible, amazing and a creative wonder. But the smaller detail is dark and devastating. What people do to other people, supposedly caring people too.
This is exactly what's going on within me. There is a polar swing that is just so enormous and I can not seem to bring the two together somehow.
Nick Cave is brilliant you see. He has put into words how I am feeling. Confused by life.

Going for a while
Bliss
XX


Before I go - what about this for love poetry? Nick Cave of course
"Babe, You Turn Me On"

Stay by me, stay by me
You are the one, my only true love

The butcher bird makes it's noise
And asks you to agree
With it's brutal nesting habits
And it's pointless savagery
Now, the nightingale sings to you
And raises up the ante
I put one hand on your round ripe heart
And the other down your panties

Everything is falling, dear
Everything is wrong
It's just history repeating itself
And babe, you turn me on

Like a light bulb
Like a song

You race naked through the wilderness
You torment the birds and the bees
You leapt into the abyss, but find
It only goes up to your knees
I move stealthily from tree to tree
I shadow you for hours
I make like I'm a little deer
Grazing on the flowers

Everything is collapsing, dear
All moral sense has gone
It's just history repeating itself
And babe, you turn me on

Like an idea
Like an Atom bomb

We stand awed inside a clearing
We do not make a sound
The crimson snow falls all about
Carpeting the ground

Everything is falling, dear
All rhyme and reason gone
It's just history repeating itself
And, babe, you turn me on

Like an idea
Like an Atom bomb






Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Party!!!!

The odd thing about the often long and lonely path of life, Bliss, is that when you get to the end of it and look back, you'll find that it was neither of these.
Swoosh,
    The Universe

Well Universe - it sure doesn't feel like it in this moment.

Aung San Suu Kyi explores what freedom means in the first of the 2011 Reith Lectures

Wow this woman is amazing and a real inspiration.
I would like to read the transcript having heard her. Things that she says ..... I hope the fog in my head clears so I can live her words.



Dial M for Murder

Committed evil doers behave toward themselves like their own worst enemies. They are like creepers that strangle the trees which support them.
Dhammapada v.162

Ajahn Munindo says ....
This verse refers to a monk who tried three times to kill the Buddha and eventually his evil actions contributed to his own death. When we betray our heart's commitment to reality, slowly but surely, we die away from the light of truth and sink into darkness. Creepers climb handsome, mature trees and sometimes strangle them to death. We can go for refuge to the Buddha yet still be taken over by upthrusts of rage. Hours, days or even years go by as we justify our hurtful actions of body or speech. When we come to see the truth of our actions, a wholesome sense of remorse arises; we genuinely wish to desist. Right action is the natural consequence.

As I was writing this, I was wondering if the misery that I feel is related to all my wrong doings? And then I wonder wrong I am doing? Then I wonder if I am just in some utter denial. I have no idea anymore. I think well maybe all my terrors from my childhood are actually made up and I am driving myself mad. Then I listen to someone talking about something and feel it in my body parts, utter disgust rises through me. SC always said listen to your body memories. They do not lie. What if they do?
But I know my dad used to touch me inappropriately and usually as if by accident, which makes me feel sick and angry to think about. And how I knew he used to watch me. He spied on me in my bedroom and in the bathroom. That mkes me sick too. Usually I could not pin him down. I felt as if I was crazy even then. Apart from the times when it was actual and phsyical, the rest of the tme it was this sort of did that really happen type touch.
So it's good to just write and remind myself of that.
What an analogy of the creepers killing the tree that sustains the creepers life. When the tree dies what happens to the creepers actually?
Rage - it needs to be worked through. Rage suggests huge emotional reactions to something. I have believed for a while now that rage suggests something that is very old and deep. More than resentment, something damaging in a way. And when I say damaged, wounds from a young age can be enormous from the very lightest of event to extreme. So when I read rage I think there is a lot of healing to do. But if the rage is recognised and heard and then contained, any potential further damage to self or others can be arrested and the healing can begin.
I am not sure what to do now my dad is contacting me more and trying to be friendlier. He asked me how I was when he called Saturday, Sunday, I can't quite remember. I said OK. I know that I do not feel safe to tell him when I am not actually OK and this weekend I was far from OK.
So it's not a real relationship. Will I ever take that risk? I am not sure. He was telling me that he had been bed-bound for a couple of days. This is very concerning as my dad is the last person to take to his bed! It is scary that now we are talking when he is getting older and more frail. 83 years of age.
How did I get to this? It was never meant to be like this! I am not sure how I envisaged my life but it certainly was not like this.
I have been thinking a lot of JH too. I know it is not right for me to contact him. He may not want to have contact with me now anyway. But my reasons are really to see if he misses me and would really like to be with me. I tell myself it's just to see how he is and we can be friends. It woiuld not be friendly of me to have contact but still be jealous of any contacts he is having and not trusting anything he says when it concerns women. That would actually be in line with the verse. It would be me who was killilng me some more. I would feel hurt and re-open the wounds because I still have feelings. It's till too soon. When it really doesn;t matter anymore will be the day I can contact. When I have boundaries in place so that it doesn't matter what JH is doing or not. Then it would be OK.
I feel less swollen or bloated today. Having said that my left wrist feels a little uncomfortable but  noticed by breasts are not so swollen and that just feels easier. I am also not compelled to eat. Another bonus. And I just feel better about myself. But my thnking is still dark. I cannot see purpose for living.
Work is routine and the easiest place to be.
I feel lonely in my life. My life feels empty and pointless. This happens with too much thining.
When I look at the sky and see increible cloud formations, the wonder of this world. Beautiful artistic creations from people, people doing nice things for others, people happy (people happy can also make me feel so sad as I am not at all happy). I hope this new pills work. Because I can see no point or pourpose for living on.
Something in me wants to keep going though even though the future just looks bleak and empty. Otherwise I wouldn't keep seeking help or even bother with these pills. I have a lot invested in them.
I am holding on to the fact that I get so much delight from the universe. It doesn't seem enough. I am not sure what the hole is.....
It is almost as the road is so narrow with spiritual principles that I cannot be contained within it. I am just a bag of fear now. That is surely not how it's supposed to be. I cannot accept me as me today. I feel fat old and ugly. I have always hated myself though. Drinking, drugs, anorexia took me away from all of that and yet in the end I hated myself anyway.
I cannot see waht's wrong right ow and this is when the psych says it's the bi-polar brain chemicals. I feel fucked!!!

Going to study - goodness knows why?

I cannot make up my mind whether to afford to go to Warwick uni for the weekend in connection with my course. Or to have a day workshop with SC.
I think actually a workshop is not what I need right now - a session or two. Hopefully I can afford the weekend away?????

T leaves for Norway soon. I do not want her to go. I want to visit her sooner rather than later.

Study ...
Bliss
XX