Thought crime

Interesting. I have a dilemma and discussing it through with my stand in FA sponsor something else entirely different came up for consideration. It comes back to a fine line again. Discernment or complete honesty.
You see the situation is that I travelled to Southampton yesterday having been invited because I had raised the idea that I might like to find a position in another P hospital. The manager mentioned this possible position and hence the day visit was arranged. I really was not interested, thinking that the journey was too long and also remembering how much I disliked being there when I was training and on placement there. It was a miserable experience.
Whilst travelling I made a call to an FA fellow. She used to be a head hunter and when I said I was feeling naughty just going for a day trip to be out of the office and the constant differences there (despite having found a way of managing myself within that so that I'm not constantly in conflict). This FA'er very gently raised the question about not saying to the S'ton people that it's not a viable journey. I suddenly realised that I hadn't prepared myself at all for this informal day. I would still be representing myself and as Ambassador for me I needed to think about how to present myself.
It probably showed that I hadn't thought through things enough. When K asked if I specialise, I missed the point and tried to flaff around an integrative approach to therapy. What she meant was whether there were addictions that I specialise in. I listed a few and realised that I hadn't spent enough time at all thinking abut who I am and what I do well. I also regret speaking too much about the recent difficulties but was very careful to express how it was achievement working through my sensitivity to changes and finding ways to maintain my desire to be flexible and adaptable and friendly and pleasant. I explained that the new working philosophy wasn't quite what I wanted.
K FA'er helped me identify the things that sound important to me. The working environment and atmosphere is definitely important after what has just been going on. Also the model of working is important. As you may realise I have come away actually quite enthused by the proposition of working there. My difficulty is the increased journey. I would really want to be reducing my travelling time not increasing it. Not to mention the increased costs.
I am concerned about M. She is truly burnt out and there would just be the two of us. Both as therapists reporting to K. She has been managing the department on her own for a year and a half. She has a lot of resentments and dislikes. I am not sure how she can overcome that. She seems very unhappy generally and realises that she actually has been quite unwell. She said she had lost herself spiritually several times. I wanted to ask how she thinks she needs to heal. I think she will need time and a lot of input into herself. She clearly has a tendency to over work but at a dear cost to herself.
K seemed positive and said there is investment in the hospital and therefore investment in the department. She seemed flexible, thinking outside of the box to accommodate. She wants to prepare a department structure and then launch it as a product both internally and externally. It certainly needs developing and getting internal customers on side.
Now the thing is that I have the dilemma of trundling along as things are in my current position. So long as I stay aware then I don't enter into my wanting to control and I can accept L's need for total control. It's not ideal and very stifling of being myself and developing trust in myself. However, it's pretty easy really. It's busier in some senses as there is no room for sessionals etc. At the same time L takes on more and more and is totally responsible. I keep handing over every decision to her mainly because she wants that and also because she is so inconsistent in my opinion. Then she takes it on her as her job to do. It surprises me but now I know that I just keep giving it to her to decide whether she delegates it or not. Her desk is a mess so I never really know what's going on. I send messages by email as a follow up because I've learnt that it's left as a very loose accusation when messages aren't remembered or followed through.
She is taking on all the ward rounds apart from the people that she doesn't like. I watch her slap and bully people about and then is super duper nice to them afterwards. Very crazy-making. People, I, don't know if I'm in or out of favour. It changes from moment to moment. But she swans around humming and perfectly OK with herself. That's great! But I do wonder if she realises the impact she has. It's not position to say. I can merely observe and reflect on the impact on me.
I do like some of her ideas and am learning although I would put my slant on things.

So then there is M. She will find it difficult to handover any PR. She will need time to feel well in herself. She will be holding the resentments and that will certainly impact newness. It would be interesting to observe myself with her. She seemed a lovely lady but there was a sense of persecution about her. Although I also hear how much she has been fighting with the powers that be to get things changed. I saw in her a reflection of me whinging. She had genuine cause to be dissatisfied and worn out. I have had too but I so wanted not to sound as if I was whinging. I think I entered into it a tad.

Now the things that has come out of discussing all of the dilemma and the package that I think I would want to take the job on ... I'll come back to that, was the knowledge that when P's got his business up and running I would be leaving anyway. He reckons now we'll be looking at December. Of course that is subject to everything running smoothly. He says that as things develop he could easily take on a sessional and then be ready to take me on full time down the line. He says it's a guarantee and sees us doing that for the next 10 years. I certainly would want to work for P and I think within that there would be room for me to do some private work. I would hope so. And of course my studying. I know there is actually no guarantee but for the time being I would be taking this job with knowledge that I plan to leave in say 7 or 8 months time. That will be long dark drives as well I realise. Summer may not seem so bad. Anyway!
S, FA'er, asked if I would be comfortable with that dishonesty. I was immediately defensive and angry saying that it would be foolish to reveal such a thought to a corporation whom I want to stay employed with for the time being. And then this raised in me another fine line... as she said it reminded her of the Thought crime in Orwell's book 1984. I hadn't remembered it specifically but realised the influence of that on the film Minority Report. An interesting story that really took this one point and expanded upon it. I like it when I see connections like this. The beauty of being well read or versed in books and films and I'm not. They are great ways to explain something too.
So here I am with thought crime. of course no one is going to see through special psychological windows exactly what my thought crime is but it will be there and certainly I believe that thoughts influence behaviours. There would be a secret you see. And of course I felt really terrible that I hadn't said to S that I was going to S'ton on Friday. She found out through L. Admittedly she has been away whilst it's all be taking place but I was avoiding saying anything on Wednesday for selfish reasons. I don't want her to suddenly up and leave. How mistrusting am I? God please help me with this.
So anyway I would really like the challenge of this position. I think there is a lot to develop but I don't want the responsibility of that, however I would like to be a part of it.
I would like an increase in salary fixed to work Monday to Thursday but on a Tuesday working 09:00 until 20:00 and then I can Aftercare and still have two of us in. I would hope that they would have a sessional for the Friday but also we could develop the programme so that Friday was perhaps a busier morning and a light afternoon.
I think on top of my salary increase I'd like some petrol expenses say £2000 per year. It's not enough but it would be something. I probably should work that out more exactly before I under sell myself.
I would also like to secure the 12 days study leave I already have - 1 day per month.
That would seem like a good package to me. Although of course the salary is never good enough. We are grossly under paid. But it would be a lovely environment in terms of the grounds. Hopefully having support M could regain hers sense of self and spirit that she feels she has lost and together we could develop the department with K heading it up. There is the close competition of course and a lot of bad feeling about that.
It would be interesting to know what the consultants are looking for from the department as there seems to be a big difference. Something that I believe has been worked on and is ongoing. I know L is making sure she has a lot of contact with them.
It could be quite exciting.
But what about this discernment? Isn't it stupid to say that I would be planning to move on if this other venture comes to fruition. Of course anything can and will happen between now and then. At the same time to not be honest and open about such things does leave me with some discomfort. And would undoubtedly seep out in some way if not feeling disloyal as with S and the visit to S'ton.
It's interesting. Another gap of finding balance.
I'm off to meet with my father now. There is a degree of anxiety I can feel. I've changed my top as I felt too exposed. Interesting. And I've worn clothes along similar lines of how I think ML would dress. He had so much high regard for ML. Always he seemed to like others more than me. Later on though he would have found their faults and slapped them down behind their back but drop them without warning. Not dissimilar to the bullying tactics at work.
Right I must go otherwise I'll be late.
More to write later on.
Bliss
XX

HALT

Hungry Angry Lonely Tired

I am feeling hungry yet I know I've had enough food, the same food I've had every other day. I am very tired so this is probably contributing to the the hunger. But I wonder what's going on underneath the surface. Also I'm feeling lonely. I have been thinking about choices I've made in the past. I chose not to have children and that meant some radical subsequent choices. Horrible choices for which I feel disgust as well as sadness. It is too difficult for me to fully own right now. I have a lot of healing to do but first some admitting to do. I am not ready to do that here yet.
I do realise that there are still many things that when I think about them I detach. I feel nothing and yet I know there are feelings to feel. It's quite amazing to observe the detachment. It leaves a real vacuum. It's something I would like not to happen. I understand however that it was a mechanism that has been a protector from a very young age. The more abstinent I've become the more obvious the detachment from feelings is. Or maybe the more it's had to come into operation because I don't even have food to keep me separated from my emotions. I hope that I won't need to do this so much. I know it's probably an essential tool. We are remarkable in that there is a filter so that we are not overloaded. However there is also the inability to let the filter filter adequately enough there there isn't a total disconnect.

It is so revealing to get greater clarity on such a phenomenon.

This evening my dad called. You know I would have been writing that with a feeling of gloom not so many months ago. Today I write it with a different feel about it. I was very tired when I picked up his call. And he called to enquire if I'd received his card. I had and thanked him for his very generous cheque and the £10 too. I also said it was a lovely card and thanked him again before putting the phone down. I was able to tell him that I'm not eating out at the moment (day 8 of 90). He thinks it's a diet and I didn't think it would be of any use to him for me to try and explain. I know and that's enough. Perhaps he would understand but somehow it seems unimportant to try. All that matters is that I informed him of my situation. He doesn't know yet at what time we could meet. I hope he will meet me but perhaps it's not convenient for him. I seem to think he has a lot of negotiating around his wife. I did apologise for not sounding lively and that I was feeling tired. He wondered if I would be doing anything tomorrow. It's a day as normal. Working even with a 1:1 after the usual hours. All extra income with increasing costs. I feel very glad to have this potential to earn some extras whilst also supporting people in their journey to bringing about change. That's a privilege.

All in all it was a cheerful call on my behalf with my dad. This is a light relief after all the years of angst and battling. He must find it very strange. If I were at Step 9, there are things I would take ownership of and say how sorry I am. Instead I am putting action in to be different. I'm sure he must feel uncertain about this as I've tried being "good two shoes" before on different occasions. So now it's about consistency. I am showing up and being cheerful. I am listening to him and not argumentative. I am understanding where there is a misunderstanding of me. I do not need to try and make him understand or see me. He seems to find me so very different from him and that's OK. And yet there are so many similarities no doubt. I no longer need to impose myself on him to feel acceptable. I am getting that from deeper within me. I am understood and loved by my HP. What more do I need? Nothing.
Gosh how far I've come along this part of the road.

Lonely? Sometimes yes I am. Overall though my days are very busy. I really enjoy time alone. It's calm and I have so much to sit and enjoy by myself. I also love being with people. I am interested in people. I just would like to practice listening to others more rather than talking out my versions of their idea. I don't really do that at all. But being interested in people means me spending more time getting clarity on their thoughts and feelings rather than the other way around. What really makes people tick? And as I'm really quite close with some people how do I get to listen and know more? Listen I suppose.

Angry? Actually no. There is frustration. I'm not sure why that popped up. Frustration with people who in my opinion don;t have the clarity they think they have. It's their business and in the spirit of my passion I can simply listen and reflect. Somethings are just a trigger. I can let go and maintain my serenity and grace.
 What a gift of learning. I will talk it through with my sponsor no doubt if it enters my thoughts in the morning.

Tired? Yes I truly am. And no wonder, I'm going to bed later than is good for me. So I'm going off to bed now.
I have still to write about the Bauhaus exhibition at the Barbican and now Gillian Wearing's exhibition at Whitechapel Gallery. Oh and the Art Car Boot Sale, and strolling along Brick Lane.
All these little adventures I have and scenes of people living that I see.
Marvellous

Bliss
X

Dragon's and gifts

It's interesting to me that something I think of as a gift and freedom sounds as if I'm being harsh and restricting in the thoughts of another.
I am so relieved to be revisiting step one and returning to day 1, well day 5 now. Addiction is a disease that kills. Not necessarily physically although how many times I get to feeling suicidal and have made attempts at my life in the past, just not able to live with using food, either over eating or restricting or bulimia. And yet also not being able to live without these coping mechanisms. Liking life without them seemed too difficult because these were my means for escape in various ways. And yet they were now killing me. Killing my soul. I spent years trying to find a way to control eat. Ultimately wanting to be thin but also wanting to be able to eat anything. The ideal would be to eat anything and as much as I want and still be thin. And of course not feel ashamed or disgusted with my eating habits. Or upset people, or have to steal food, or hide food, or sneak food, or feel so bad I just want to hide away, or arrange to be with friends to justify eating out, secret binges, eating dreadful foods and so on and so on. Just some of the behaviours and consequences that come to mind. And that's really not taking a close look at the mental illness that also impacted on my mum and my dad. even though it affected them in different ways.
So looking at the bigger picture, the chaos that ensues, and I might add very quickly these days, is very clear. When I do not have abstinent food life is chaotic and affects everyone around me including me.
S that means I truly need to get an understanding of powerlessness. This last issue with the cheese is not about the cheese itself, it's about the powerlessness. A friend who cares says not to be harsh on myself and keep it in perspective. I can see what she means. I can see that it may appear harsh to make a big deal about the cheese. I guess I didn't make clear in my thought stream that it's about being vigilant. I cannot afford to be anything but. And that requires me to be precise about the pre-agreed weights of my food. I have been given a fixed amount of weights and food types for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The evening before, I write down what I will have for each meal during the following day. And at the beginning of the day after 30 minutes of quiet time, I call my sponsor. This time is useful for sharing whatever is going on and then I read out my food plan for the day. That is commitment. Nothing more and nothing less and no alterations without first re-committing my food and checking my motives for any changes.
I cannot afford to deviate because when I do I am taking my will back and believing I have control over food. I know without doubt I am a food addict. And quite rightly I am many other things too. I am a friend, a daughter, a thinker, a hard working employee, a listener, a creator, a writer, a photographer, a listener of music, a walker. I am kind and thoughtful but sometimes I can be mean and selfish. I am intelligent but often not knowledgeable or wise, although I think I can be both of these too at different times. I am an emotional and sensitive person. I can be humorous. I am secretive at times but practising changing this more and more. And so on. I know I am many ore things than simply an addict. However, it is life and death for me that I put the addiction first. Simply by accepting that I'm a food addict reminds me that I need to keep my food abstinent, that means weighed and measured. I do not have flour and/or sugar. Of course fruit has natural sugar.
Oh yes this is a rigorous programme and not for the faint hearted. I truly was on my knees. I ope far enough down that I am in no doubt that I am powerless over food. I truly understand it now.
I will be mindful though of the tones I use to talk to myself about this. If my friend read it as harsh then there is room for improvement. Not room to change the abstinence. Oh no. I love my food weighed and measured and eaten at times that are pretty fixed too. All this provides the structure and means that dealing with life is exactly that and not dealing with life through a haze of a binge which in turn brings in guilt and shame and self-hatred. All of which chips away at the last few threads of self esteem I might have. And without self esteem there have been so many times that I've thought what's the point let's go now.

I am very sleep I think I might have a nap. Pity I didn't have a garden I felt like sitting in. I could lounge in the sun for a while before M arrives.

Mmmm a lovely phone call from an FA'er. It's nice to hear from familiar voices and relate. I humbled myself an told her about choosing to go back to day 1. It was interesting to hear her thoughts on complete and utter abstinence including the grey areas that can crop up in thinking.
I need to phone G and tell him that I can't do the chair on Tuesday. I have put off calling him. If he's at the meeting this evening I will tell him although it would be better to call him NOW! A art of the putting off is because I don't want him to think of me as anal. For goodness sake how can I be interested in this man????

I haven't made my 3 phone calls today. Who shall I call? D - apparently she qualified today. I am not sure about how comfortable I am how freely people talk about others. However this was innocent really.

As for thoughts on bi polar. Well here are some rantings written I think in highs. I was writing an email to a friend but thankfully did not send it. Just free writing as thoughts came into my mind.

"

Good morning.

I hope you won't mind me writing. I need to expel thoughts as I'm really am aware that I'm feeling manic. It's not the worse it can be but I'm beginning to be more acutely aware of the way up. It helps to write out the ideas.

I've entitled this dragon because I know in Chinese astrology the dragon is representative of high energy, not being able to sit still for long and flit from idea to idea. I'm actually born in the year of the rat and apparently need a lot of stimulation (so true) both mentally and physically. Another trait of being born a Rat is a mental restlessness. Lots of these traits coincide with my birth sign Gemini. I'm not sure how much I invest in these categorisations of people. It seems to me that we people need to create finite to feel safe, pigeon-holing so that we know. And knowledge offers the false belief of power and power represents stability and safety. Supposedly!

I hold a believe that it is true to a certain degree. But power is given.

I started writing this in the morning and was definitely higher than I am now. And thoughts were vivid and fast. Now I am drained and tired so things seem less clear.

I really wish I'd been able to finish writing this morning because I had such clear thoughts on the whole mental illness situation. Now it seems to have slipped away, like sand shifting through my fingers.

I feel as if I'm either on the way into highs or slipping back into lows. And although when slightly lower than this I really know that getting high is not what I want and it's as awful really as the lows I've been getting the excited feeling and finding it all very funny. I have started writing a lot. I think that helps to expound on ideas and expel the driving energy that feels more and more difficult to contain.

It was suggested by Occupational Health that I let my manager know. Ugh! That was such a painful thing to have to do. The shame and the fear of being judged as mad, crazy and incapable. I thought then that nothing I would ever say again would ever be taken seriously. It was said with the awareness that having been through several months of extreme stress and thankfully coming through it, then there has been a trigger into this.

But anyhow that wasn't what I was wanting to write about. But I am juddering inside at the fact that I did it. I think I did it all far too soon and impulsively. I think I should have asked Occ Health to be along with me. I just feel dreadful about having t have told them.

Isn't there a stigma with anything mental? People think they are sane and "normal".

What I realise is though that OK so I have a mental illness and that manifests in these extremes of highs and lows which recently I am either more aware of or they are more evident. Although similar that is not the same thing.

This mental illness manifests in so many different ways. None of the symptoms fit neatly into only one box. I have addiction, high states of mind which changes reasoning and increases a real need for high risks. It includes spending money, engaging with unsuitable men, in the past alcohol and drugs have fuelled greater and greater risk taking activities, (they happen without drink and drugs too), it drives this desire to write and create - isn't that just so weird. Then I think how could anyone ever take anything I ever do seriously because any ideas might just be the mental illness. Oh yes increasing paranoia. Fears of things like corners of the room and cupboards or thinking people have been in my flat. Who? Why?

I really wish I'd written my thoughts this morning because now it's all gone and it really helped me to see things at that time. Where has it slipped away to.

A restlessness. Ever since I can recall I have had stages of that restlessness. Wanting something so so badly but nothing feels to be the thing. My mum would takes ages suggesting doing this or that but it wasn't enough. Sometimes I wanted to be colouring in. Large very detailed pictures is what I wanted. Jigsaws actually were a good way to focus some of the energy. Somehow it was intense. Intensity was a good thing to be having.

Ugh just hit me again that I told the manager. I asked him not to tell anyone as well. Ugh ugh ugh! I so wish I hadn't. Bloody hell. Impulsive decisions. People shouldn't make suggestions when like this. I just do them!!

I am having ideas for sketches as well. Man!

I hope I get the clarity again to be able to write my theory down. Oh well. Just have to try and accept that it's gone.

I don't think I'll send this after all because it makes little sense and I feel a little loony with what I'm writing yet also know that that's because I can't retrieve the thoughts I had earlier.

Grrr

Have been thinking back about MP. Wondering how he got to be so sensitive. It was there long before I met him and long before we split up.

The greatest amends I can make is to stay away. At least I know that. But then his ex-girlfriend contacted me via FRU. How strange that was. That was a t the early stages of an increasing mania.

OK it's now the next morning. All the fuzzy headedness I had last evening is slightly clearer I think. I am wondering if some of this is hormonal as things have seemed to be shifting there over the last week. I had a spotty outbreak. One moment none and the next moment a lump rising over my face. It took a lot longer to clear away than it took for them to arrive. I could almost see it happening as I looked (always briefly) in the mirror. Also I had a couple of hot flushes. One was very embarrassing as I was talking to a man in the "rooms" that actually was slightly attractive. Suddenly I was flushed and sweaty. It was the rising heat from deep within that only hormones know how to do in such embarrassing style. However my pride has lowered and I carried on talking and if he got some kind of kick in thinking I fancied him or if he thought bloody hell she's a freaky bird, it really doesn't matter. And then I've had a couple of times walking realising that everything feels heavy and dragging but from inside of me. Every lift of my foot seemed to be a real effort for my leg and I could feel something in my tummy really drained at the effort.

So maybe it's more than mania or maybe it's connected.

I also think it's connected with stress levels that I've had during the last 4 nearly 5 months. I can see alot of my part in this now. That is not to say that I was wrong and I do not take ownership of anyone else's part in this. There could be a lot to be learnt not just by me but whether that opportunity is taken or not is something I can let go of.

These last months have felt like I'm pushing my way through a forest that is so dense there is no room to get around the trees. Instead I've had to push through the tiny gaps, ripping my skin at times and getting bruised and battered. It's been dark, cold and very frightening not knowing what sort of creatures will leap out and from which direction, from above, below, behind or in front of me. Trying to be alert to them and still pushing through the trees and feeling at times very lonely has been draining of all energy and crazy-making. It seemed like the forest was endless, getting past every tight squeeze just presented another one immediately and no light seemed to be shining through. And then suddenly I pushed past a tree only to fall right over the cliff edge. I didn't see it was there. It's relieving and freeing but also it's a bit of free fall right now. It represents I think this feeling of getting through the forest, realising that I've found a way through and the relief of that. Seeing that I was helped all the way but also forgetting that at times. That's ego stepping in. As if I did it and with that comes this free falling feel or wild excitement. The stress coupled with this high sense of achievement feels over stimulating in way. The mania or state that seems be rising during the day and then swooping into a low from the energy drain at night. I'm tired of it.

I'm getting some understanding though, even though it may seem very confusing to you.

In talking daily with my sponsor my acceptance of a mental illness is growing. Somehow the mania me needs to be acknowledged. I want people to recognise this side of me as valid. Not crazy and fool-hardy with ridiculous ideas, but a real part of me. I feel written-off when in this high. I think this is historical too as any ideas were simply disregarded and everyone (parents, especially my mum) waited for the high to die down and then "normality" to re-settle and then I would be listened to. But what about the high me. The ideas and desires are still valid. They are not "crazy" they are do-able and achievable although probably needed guidance and timeliness which in the high is what lacks. I am impulsive and racy. I recognise that and get to despise that bit because that's the bit that gets me into trouble in various ways. But it's also the bit that gets everything disregarded as being a little bit "fruit and nutty". How to get taken seriously? How to get the ideas into some sort of action before the despondency reappears and conformity engulfs the creative part. Why can't I have it all? Does everyone have this? Or do "normal" people have a constant balance to be creative and rational at the same time and appear balanced?

No one on this earth is perfectly normal. Everyone's brain wirings are unique, however the brains are all following a basic design. A design that is still on trial and approval. It's evolving and being tweeked with every generation even within our own lifetime. Evidence reveals this more and more. Some quirks just don't work at all and those used t die out, now medical advancement can keep those alive too more and more or at least lengthen the life span. maybe those quirks then will become differently attuned but because there are differences from the main design, the one that most people think of as normal, there are stigmas attached.

People are afraid of anything out of their normal sphere. For some that sphere is broader or narrower than others. We have to learn to deal with that. The population of this planet are fearful when out of the norm. I get fearful of just the slightest changes. But over these last months I have learnt so much about this fear and my prejudices that arise because of it. The defects of my character suddenly are all at the forefront. Supposedly trying to protect me but less and less do they work. Because there is something deeper and stronger that doesn't like the damage those elements of me cause. Now I could fade back into the despondency and withdraw. Depression and staying in my flat and avoiding. Sometimes I need to have rest time, that can be hours and days sometimes. But not letting that turn into avoidance is a real fine balance. The high is also some form of avoidance. I don't think I'm using it to get away, it's almost a way of getting involved. Elation. Super elation. It's as if something in me has been freed and as a result although I'm free falling it permits me to be who I am. And yet it's over the top? Is it though? The impulsive attitude and compulsion is not so helpful. After all telling by clinical manager yesterday has left me feeling anxious and ashamed. But I need to be careful of that self-hatred. This is pride and ego. I need humility and self love. I think being advised to tell him was OK but then I have such a need for the manic me to be acknowledged and accepted that I trotted off without checking in with anyone and slowing things down.

That is certainly what i need to do - slow myself down. I will take from a suggestion made to me and sit for extra quiet time this evening. 20 minutes. My quiet time anyway isn't very quiet with so many thoughts and words and images flying around my mind. Writing helps slow them and capture them. My sponsor is worried that I am over analysing. I probably am but I can't stop it. So writing helps (I think). Otherwise what do I do with all of these thoughts?

And then if I just let them pass they've been creations that fade into non existence.

Another morning. It's funny really that your dissertation should be along similar tracks.

This morning my head is slower and emptier. I can feel the distinct difference. An I want thoughts to be more orderly than the randomness that they've been in. It's incredible the difference.

Yesterday was a hectic day at work. There is so much to do it's non stop. And this is because we are no longer permitted to have sessionals to cover the gap made by someone being away on holiday"

Since then I realised that I really have been wanting someone to acknowledge the manic version of me as being just as real. I want to have the ideas acknowledged as OK even if there is muddled thinking. There does need some direction to get the ideas into an orderliness but that doesn't mean the ideas are not valid because it's in mania. I can see how my mum always dismissed this part of me and these ideas and wants without knowing what it was.

Bliss
xx

Self will and fear

"Willpower is like the super turbo boost button on video game: It works only for a limited duration of time. It needs time to recharge between uses. And the results of using it are somewhat unpredictable. It is a handy tool to have, and it sure is exciting when you mash that button, but if you use it too often you won't have it when you need it, and using it at the wrong time can cause a most spectacular crash."

I read this today when searching for alternative descriptions of powerlessness. I liked it. Now I know there is healthy self will. We need will power to get up in the morning and to take the action required to actually make this programme of recovery work. It's a programme of action as they say. The healthy will though is very much guided. Guided by my understanding of God and God speaks through people as well as through my conscience and through intuition and through the written words and through music and pieces of art and general creativity.
I need to be cautious when making decisions and then act on those decisions. The best thing to o is sit in quiet time and ask God for guidance. I can check things out with my sponsor and other FA'ers. I can talk things through with friends. I can read and I can write and I can listen, listen at meetings, listen, listen. listen and ask!

Now I have heard for many years that the only way to deal with with fear is to face it. I have heard people say that the only thing to fear is fear itself but I don't agree with this. As with all emotions I believe that to deal with fear it is important for me to trust. If I acknowledge the fear then I can choose to trust. When I trust I love the fear and this is the quote M has pulled out of a Sylvia Plath book. I can't remember the words she had written but the essence I think was "the only thing to love is fear itself".
I can love the fear that I faced with the situation at work. I was so terrified but not even sure what that fear was of? What did I thin could happen? Everything was changing I didn't feel qualified or capable. I was scared that I'd be discovered for being useless. And useless would mean unemployable. And without a job and an income I would be unable to love any quality of life at all. I ask myself what quality I am living now? Well it's basic but it's above average basic in some ways. And these things are purely material, well and events to enjoy and stimulate and create.
You see how messages come through so many sources. Inspirational.
Here is the quote from the book Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams by Sylvia Plath - "the only thing to love is fear itself. Love of fear is the beginning of wisdom.
I really  do embrace this concept. If I can face the fear then I will learn and grow. My faith grows. All will always be well regardless of what happens. An this is wisdom and growth in itself.

I am tired. I need to sleep

Bliss
XX

another fine line you got me into

the line of security verses repression is what I'm talking about.
I'm not sure if it's a bi-polar thing, all these extremes and then the gap where the fine line is.
So today I decided to return to Day 1. What does this mean? This means I have an opportunity to really look at my powerlessness. I cannot afford to be anything but entirely and utterly vigilant. That means being precise about my measurements of my food. Not a little ore or a little less. And every measurement and chosen food item matters. When I allow thins to just go by as if unnoticed this is the slippery slope down. Now I think this is security although at times I can think it's repression, too rigid and rigidity can seem tedious. When I listen to others it can sway me and I can forget the power food can have over me. I can feel so miserable and become suicidal. I feel imprisoned and break free by more eating and for a second I don't give a damn. But then guilt and the shame ensues and I need m ore food to deaden that. This is repression surely.
And all through that "ah! lets get free and easy" attitude. Rebellion? It's not as strong as rebellion I don't think. Rebellion to me is far more forceful and visibly destructive. This is a much quieter form of rebellion. Is there another description for it? A desire for nonconformity. Because conforming seems weak and boring to me. A sheep not a leader. Someone who can't think for themselves. It's also about how other will think of me. This is the mental illness? To think that conforming makes me a weak, pathetic person. How can I let the security of routine just be and it's that security that permits me to be free and creative.
This resonates with the Marcia theory of adolescence and part of the psychosocial identity theory of Eriksson. He talked about identity theories within the stages that Erikkson proposed. There is also a link as I see it with Bowlby's attachment theory. There is this period of adolescence that in my mind is a preparation for moving into adulthood. And within a secure family the adolescent is able to start exploring a broader patch of life, developing ones own network and seeing and experiencing beyond the safety of the home and parents. It's a time of beginning to develop opinions of ones own. I think parents have a difficult time with this as it represents change and change represents loss. My dad for example never seems to deal with this with any of the children he befriends. And he became unbearably controlling when I reached this stage. And of course this has an impact.
In my view this period of growth is to be able to go out and get into scrapes and make mistakes but to be able to come home to the family and address the issues that arise, explore and understand the mistakes and go forth and try again. But if there is dysfunction within the family and too repressive an approach or an attitude of no boundaries, then already the set up is influencing how this period of growth will be affected. For example if parents are too controlling there will be a sense of insecurity - too controlling could be too strict and high expectations with shaming being the way of punishing, even if this all occurs at an unconscious level. So when mistakes happen in adolescence the family home is the last place to go back and review the situation. I think this is where the extended family of the past was a useful resource as well that is missing today. Sometimes it is difficult to talk with parents that might be easier and one removed from over protection with grand parents. Of course I see how over the years there is dysfunction in that. There is imperfection within all humans so of course there will always be dysfunction. But also there are devastating effects of the extended family too. Incest, rape, meanness and so on. We all know the horrors. And entrapment. The roaming families for want of a better term mean that people have had broader experience without the shackles of the extended family. There are pros and cons of course. But if people were to keep becoming more consciously aware of all the interactions, environmental, social, as Sameroff described in the complex Transaction Model of development, then we could all be working towards improvement all of the time. Instead of just trying to get it right I think for me I just need to keep becoming conscious and looking for ways to improve. Perfection is Nirvana and Nirvana is when I die.
So where was I? Way off the track. But along similar parallels. Teh creation of security without repressing. So anyway yes the family duty is to create security without repressing or indeed creating over confidence. Somewhere in the middle is balance. And I never think the fine line is one single line, I think that balance is within a varying amount. In psychological statistics I think that would be the confidence intervals. It's an inference that there is a balance and it differs between individuals sowhere between this and this. So say there is a variotion from 1 to 100, the fine lines or interval of balance between security and repression would perhaps be between 45 and 55. An everyone has to find for themselves where they are within that. And that presents another influential dilemma. The balance interval for onw person maybe different from their own child. So if a parent tries to impose their own balance on another it immediately creates an influence. So how to develop that trust in the Universe to just be there as a support whilst also ensuring there is security throuh boundaries. So long as there is felxibility and not rigidity then all will be well? It's so complex huh!
No wonder I've been baffled recently and prior to my recovery years note ven aware of teh balance intervals. My parents certainly didn;t really show me. I think my mum may have had more of an idea but dad was rigid and controlling for certain, no benefit of the doubt there. However, I can understand more these days and so am more forgiving and less blaming. That's a blessed relief, Thank you God. To be free of that resentment is just freeing beyond anything I could imagine. And hence I think I've found the route through my struggles at work slightly easier and faster to stop and loo at. Yes it's been since January but I'm pleased that it's only May and thigns within me are so different.
And so doors are opening even if they are not all seeming right at this moment. Portsmout, Southampton, even Bognor. I just need to go and explore them. hence I need to complete the application forms.

So with my food it's security for me to follow the precise food plan and trust that the fellowship is working for everyone not destroying them. I see it working. I trust my sponsor through her experience, she is not trying to stifle me, she is trying to help me. And I know that withut that certainty of my food I take advantage. It's the mental illness of wanting more and wanting tings my way and believeing that I can get away with that or this because I can control that. I know from years of experience that I simply cannot control my food at all. I am utterly powerless. So by keeping that absolutely tight, it is possible to have freedom and creativity in other ways. Why on earth would I not want to do that. It's my anger seeping out in a subtle way? Anger becoming control?
I've been angry at work and it's diminished into frustration but when I'm frustrated I can get very stompy footed, and thinking why can't people just do it my way!!?
Plus there's the ongoing insecurity with my finances. It's scary. The future is scary. It's another fine line and balance interval. Living in today and trusting that tomorrow all will be well. But unless I am investing in today then I'm not taking responsibility for tomorrow. Then I think well I could be dead tomorrow so why not spend what I have in today and enjoy it. But then tomorrow I wake up and I've less for that day.
What about having to work forever into my old age, when already I get so tired. But then if I'm doing something I love within an environment I enjoy then I'm not so drained. But what if I'm not doing something I love in an environment I enjoy - well work through it and as I'm seeing doors will open. So long as I keep looking and then filling the other areas of my life with things and people I do enjoy I am getting sustenance enough. I can be content with my best efforts.
I think I'm seeing it. I feel repressed at work but at the same time there is security as I know what I am heading for each day. I'm getting the opprtunity to develop as a person. And when I take on a happy attitude it is actually even fun. After all L and I had a little laugh yesterday afternoon. It was brief and silly but a luagh it was nonetheless. She did a lot of the groups too. So she wants to work like a trooper then that's what she's doing. I don't like working at that pace and get too tired to keep it up. I am taking care of myself by saying so.
It will be an interesting Supervision session as I feel very different. I will listen and observe once again.
So I am at Day 1. This means no eating out for 90 days. That will probably incvenience a few people over my birthday for example but AB already conceded that it's up to me what I want to do for food on my birthday. And she really does not understand the principles I am only just getting to grips with msyelf. Why would she?
Oh we discussed the fine line of telling friends things like they are putting on weight or their behaviour seems out of order. I thin there is a way of doing this. Saying how I feel about someones behaviour is one thing. And then it's up to them whether it is a problem for them or not and want to change.
I have noticed that RB is putting on weight and changing shape. I want to say something but it's difficult. She does not ask for an opinion but when I knew I was putting on weight I didn't want others to say anything. On the otherhand it's the truth and knowing how sensitive she is about eating and size (I believe she's a foody) then it would be helpful. or would it? I am uncertain. I need tot ake this to quiet time. Perhaps the truth is something to be said but to be considerate of the individual involved may mean not saying anything. I am just not sure. Is it any of my business? This is the balance interval of discretion and brutal honesty. In retrospect I am very glad that ML told me about how she felt when I was darkly involved with SL. Darkly I say because it was day and night and then took me into darker arenas within it. I knew there was shame because I was justifying it and keeping activities secret. If my conscience is clear and my motives pure I do not need to hide anything from anyone. But of course there is discretion. An that is something I need to discern by listening to God.
God, please show me what I need to do with this matter of honesty but maintaining a person dignity. This is a part of my job too really. Learning ow to say things to open up the awareness for the person but without being antogonistic and creatign hostility. This is a balance interval that is very valuable and very difficult to attain. It is a gift of God.

As always I welcome any input. I know though only one friend who dips into this Blog. It's a serious matter of learnign about life and people. Yet no one is erading it and so no one is contributing. It's a pity really as there is an entire world of resource out there at my finger tips. All with differing views that could be so useful for me. And no one ever comments. Oh well. I will take these questions I have, with genuine interest and a desire to be better as a person, to God.

Thank you God for the gift of thought and writing to be able to spill all my thoughts out.

Bliss
XX

The fear of cheese

I would very much appreciate your thoughts on my situation regarding food. My sponsor has suggested I take it to quiet time to ask for guidance as to what i need to do.


I think my issue started Tuesday 2 weeks ago. I now have carbs introduced to both lunch and supper. I am weighing myself weekly. And I had put on less than a pound but it really has aroused a lot of disturbed thinking. I'm afraid. Throughout my eating "career" I have had periods of utter control over food intake through starvation. And then also periods of controlled eating that has I believe resembled recovery to me. Since then I tried different ways to just have food as food and eat 3 times a day but always ending up relapsing on sugar and flour products and of course what I realise now, quantity. In my early days with FA I just wanted to lose weight, I was so desperate and low in mood with my size. The weighing and measuring of course worked but also resembled control.

However I have gradually come to accept that I truly need a very clear vision of what is food abstinence and this FA way has been working. of course with the food abstinent and body image in the hands of God, I have need FA support to be able to deal with the day to day issues that arise for me because of life itself. Thank God for fellowship.

Anyhow 2 Sundays ago I had cheese for my lunch. Absent-mindedly I weight out 4 oz. As I sat down to eat I commented to myself that it looked a lot and suddenly I realised I had 4oz instead of 2oz. So there and then I decided to put what looked like 2oz aside. I cannot think what thought process I went through but whatever it was it didn't include getting up and re-weighing the cheese. Laziness? Desire for the cheese?

I have been afraid of cheese and limited it as a protein to once a week maximum. I don't think I'd ever discussed this fully with my sponsor until the last couple of days. Anyway I didn't discuss the incident itself with my sponsor until yesterday. Actually now I'm writing it I am wondering if the increase in weight was last Tues rather than the previous one. I will have to check my log now when I get home.

Anyhow 2 further incidents occurred. One day my protein was just under 4oz. I thought to myself I'd get it made up by the kitchen at work. It was under by about .3 of an ounce if I remember correctly. And then another day my cooked veg was under and I decided it was OK.

I did not check it out with anyone or even mention any of these 3 incidents to my sponsor. But my thinking was whirring. I was thinking so I may lose some weight but it won;t be as a genuine result of abstinence. Then my sponsor might be adjusting quantities based on false information. Then I might put on weight based on all of that nonsense. It really only became clear to me in my quiet time yesterday morning and so I shared it all with my sponsor. With I might add great embarrassment and shame that I had kept it a secret and for the behaviours and thinking.

She has asked me lots of questions that to be honest I am over thinking. I am trying to find rational answers to her questions. I'm just realising this now as I am writing this to you. I do get a lot of clarity through writing.

There is the question of needing to go back to day 1 (another 90 days) as there was an element of me saying "I can't be bothered" when deciding not to re-weigh the cheese, which would have been easy enough. I actually cannot clearly think of the thought process now. I think part of me was thinking "eat it, what the heck" and the other part of me terrified.

90 days involves, not sharing at meetings and listening. I can't think what else it involves. I will need a reminder from my sponsor.

Actually in writing that I can see the powerlessness and at that precise moment there was no acceptance, it was self-will both ways.

Or do I take it as a red alert. Continue as I am but remember why I need to be absolutely precise about weighing and measuring because I am powerless.

I am perfectly content to return to day 1. I will have to shed some pride in my regular meetings and explain my return to not sharing etc. They make judgements against FA for being too controlling etc but this would be my choice and I can easily shrug off their thoughts on this. What matters is that I maintain my abstinence. I do not want to return to being in the craziness of addictively eating. This recovery matters and is my priority.

What concerns me also is that the relief and freedom have received as a result of behaving and thinking differently with the troubling situation at work isn't as pure as it has seemed. Maybe the food element has brought me the relief. However all it feels as if it has brought me is too much time thinking and agonising about it. Which of course takes away from my difficulties.

I can also give myself such a hard time about not getting it right. I feel I've let myself down and my sponsor is now not so pleased with me. I know that's not how it works. I know I am an addict through and through so there will be all sorts of unconscious motives for all of this. I am just not fully aware of the underlying drives.
I can create a drama from absolutely nothing. So I realise by writing that my sponsor is right. I just need to keep taking this to quiet time and trust that I will get some clarity.

Thank you for allowing me to write this all out. It's more of a thought release I suppose. Rather than it all whirring around my mind, it's now all out in type. Thank God for words!


I would certainly appreciate any feedback you might have.

Bliss



XX

By myself

Hmmm I can so Miss Independent ad then recall other times when I've been this independent. Its the Southdown Convention today. I've decided to make my own way there, not arranged to "hook up" with anyone in particular, expecting to see a number of people I know anyway. Now I'm about to leave and recalling other times I've been this independent and felt like I stick out like a sore thumb and a sense that I am obviously clumsy and uncomfortable and needy. When needy people tend to avoid like the plague. Well that's my sense of things. I am a sensitive person and become super alert when I am feeling in danger. The danger is? Well that I'm vulnerable and exposed. people won't like me because I might latch onto them (and have done), that I can be rejected and therefore feel even lonelier and unlikeable. So I'm going along for about 1 1/2 hours. I need to be back here for 11:30 ready for the AWOL at 12:00. Leaving at 09:00 means I will get there for about 09:30. I hope I will be there for D's share. I'm sure to see some familiar faces and get chatting. Knowing how to chat and then move on, such social skills require practise. And what am I moving on to? That's the exposed feeling. Firstly that I feel awkward, cumbersome, wanting to sound interesting and joyful, then not knowing how leave them for fear of sticking out as the LOSER all alone. Yet I like being independent too. I can appear confident even if I am not feeling it inside. At least my size is contributing to my confidence now rather than deflating me.
Does everyone have this fear. It can become such an impending sense of horror that often I just don't bother to show up for things. I've cancelled many an event and with such shame even in relief. Letting people down. This wouldn't be letting anyone down really not to show up but it's the commitment to me and the support of AA. That's the reason I wanted to go in the first place. Just to be a part of it all in my own little way. So off I go. I know where it is at least. And it will probably be easier to park this morning. It's £4.00. I will go along with questions such as - Do you go to many conventions? How do they contribute to recovery do you think? Lots of people speak so positively about conventions and give this one especially a good press. Do you ever get involved in the organisation of them? What's that like?
Yes keep the focus on them - I would like to avoid saying how are you? If I say anything of this vein I would like to ask how the week has been for them?
I can finish off saying, well I'm going to carry on mingling with people now. Lovely to see you and enjoy your day.
How does that sound?
Please God show me the way to be. I'll show up as I have committed to do so and now I need your help. Thank you. Oh and God please make it a successful day and help a newcomer to see the way through. Thank you.
Bliss
XX