Taking posession of the cherry

Since G sketched me - naked, I have been intrigued by life drawings. Van Dongen's Torse L'Idole fascinated me. Even more so when I discovered it was his wife. Now I want to be a model for life drawings. I think I'm even turned on by the idea.
I have made contact with an artist. He wants to keep me on his list of models for his own work and will also get me along for life drawing classes he holds. He invited me along for 26 Jun but I can't get to the location from work by 6pm.
I feel excited about doing it although I'd be nervous.I think the sexual connotation is there because I feel the similar nervousness I felt the first time I did an escorting job.
It was sexually arousing which disgusted me because the man wasn't himself. He was always after the real newbies. I understand why though. Very quickly the cynicism creeps in. Not a virgin but virginal to that, he got that innocence, he took it and made it his!
I am fascinated by the exotic relationships that artists and models must have had. No wonder artists had so many relationships.
I have had too.

I have been aroused by LW's exotica with me. It is similar to experiences on SL when some people could really sink in and take hold of the sexual sensual me. If only love could be tied in with it. But I am not sure it would ever work for me that way. Who knows?
I would like to find companionship with a man. But I don't think I could be tied to them. So far that has proven to be true.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted on the modelling career -  tee hee

Bliss
 

Quick-witted devastation

It's a really busy day here at work today. I'm not looking forward to it actually. It can be even more exhausting when PD is like he is. He gets overly excited when we have lots of clients and it's a different stress than when he's worrying about money. He becomes sooooo controlling. He's controlling anyway. I just have to let go and turn towards patience and tolerance. When I do it's so much easier and I can smile and support him. Good to write that as it's remind me. Okay now I can let go of the exhausting bit which is the attempt to cling on to a little bit of control. Yield to empower!!

Relax and let go. I need some help from my HP to do this as it doesn't come naturally.
I could feel the tension, the pressure "got to get it right as P's wanting it all perfect"

Well the day went okay really. A good group. Supervision was as ever helpful. I'm tired.
However I wat to write down the past months. A lot as always has happened. I haven't written much about it.
Another adventure with lots of lessons. I wonder if I've learnt them. It appears not.

So last September, after several weeks or months of some sort of flirting between G and I, he invited me for a walk. I had for the entire time prior to this been thrilled by his texts and when that shifted into telephone conversations, I listened to his voive and started to fall in love with this person of my imagination. When I saw him I just kept asking myself what am I doing. I was not attracted to him physically. I imagine when younger he was a really good looking guy. But now he's a very aged and grumpy looking face. He is in fact grumpy.
On the first walk I was charmed by the way he knew the names of wild flowers. he took me to Winchester HIll. I had never been. So there was a romatic gentle him I encountered. Someone who was loving nature. Yup I was beginning to be hooked.
That evening I didn't want the time with him to end. We went to a nearby pub for a cup of tea/coffee. I was flirtatious in my whole body. He touched my knee. I noticed and the feeling lingered long after he had removed his finger. It was not a full hand just a few finger points on my knee.
As we drive towards home, it was getting late. I needed to eat. My place was so messy i wouldn't consider for a second inviting him in where I could have made my food and some for him. So late as it was, I suggested we go out for something to eat. I couldn't affird and somehow I already knew he didn't work or something. Anyway we had a cheapish meal. It was as abstinent as it could be and certainly less than I am required to eat. It was food and you know how it is when you're flirting? Food doesn't really come into things. So I'd done well.
Then he drove me home. Sitting in the car I asked him what was going on? He asked "what between thee and me?". I said yes. He said something I can't remember now and as I turned to look at him he kissed me. I was surprised to say the least I was not expecting that.
I said that I was not available for a relationship. He said he wasn't either. So we parted company.
I had texts from him in the week and calls and we went on a second walk. On this occassion I was more than intersted despite not being available for a relationship. In between all of this there were conversations with my FA sponsor who was saying that I needed to cut contact, I agree, I cut contact but then reengaged with him.
So on the second walk ... I was standing overlooking a wonderful view, when suddenly G put his arms around me from behind. He asked if this was okay, I said yes. I liked the feel of his arms around me. He had been so nice to me and was different really from the grumpy man I thought he was.
Boy was I mistaken. Over the last 9 months I have met his moodiness. Sometimes I could joke about something that one day would be laughed at and the next would be rude and insulting.
The relationship has been tumultuous at times but when it was (note the was) good it was great.
G really is a quite remarkable man. Even though he would screw his face up in disbelief, he is incredibly astute. He is intelligent way beyond the majority and also very bright. He has knowledge whish he would insist anyone can have but he cane use the learnt knowledge. He can use it both destructively and positively.
He has this relationship with D. He talks about his attachment to the dog M. Strangely enough I think the dogs are an analogy for his feelings. He is strgonly attached to M (D in my mind) and dislikes T (J the husband, they are still together and it's a strange 3-some really). Then he was being unkind to LL (me, growling at hr and making her unhappy). And that's how it's been really.
I tried to out aside insecurity re D and decided to trust him when he said they were close mates and that there was nothing other than that leel of feeling. He goes there pretty much every day unless he's avoiding doing some work that she's asked him to do, such as stroimming, or he's got annoyed (which can be regular with me) or she doesn't want him there. It's all very odd. i wonder what her wife thinks. And knowing the way G is he probably has made it home without that ever being anyone's intention. Well not to the extent he took ownrship of my place. He didn't want to leave. I ad to strat getting boundaried and saying I needed my time. he was getting angrier about that. BUt he came here to stay and after a couple of days I notied his tyres had been slashed. All four. He did nothing about for over a week. Eventually I asked him what he was going to do. He had no money. I loaned him the £240 to get the tyres replaed. He said he would pay me back. Guess what.
However, he put in a shower. I said I wanted it but had I known it was a payment for the tyres I wouldn't have had it. Plus it's not really finished, I had to buy some parts which I suppose were in all about £80 in the end. The housing association would have put one in for £70 and it would probably have been a better job in that it would have been finished. He promised a shower panel. It's never happened and he got cross about it as well because he's have to do some tiling. His workmanship leaves something to be desired so I am glad he didn't do that. So I paid £240 for a shower. And then he bought me a kettle and a loely jacket and some underear for my birthday. Again I was embarrassed to take this but no offer to ay back the money despite getting his rebate. I took the presents. Again I would rather have had the money to spend on my own tyres and a car service desparately needed.
Chrsitmas was awful. He wanted to be with D. She knew about at this time. He came for a visit on Christmas Day. I had not made arrangements thinking that we would be together.
He was marvellous support thourhg my dads; death - 3rd February and then the funeral 13th February. BUt bloody hell he projected his anger onto the whole thing including me.
He often did. Telling me off for being the way I am. I am so glad to have ended this relationship.
However I miss the intelligent him, the bright him, the quick-witted him, the thoughtful him, the gentle him, the intimate him. This man exists behond the gossip, the anger, the overly sensitive him.
Bloody hell is his story one that is so dreaful. I have cried for what he has been through. And it affects him deeply today. He does not move on from it. He says that it cannot be changed. He blames the circumstances on him being an alcoholic. I don't know if that's true or not. Is it there anyway to be had at any opportunity?
It's been a hellish time and an amazing time. In the end it was more hell than great. I hadn't been sure about the relationship throughou really. Things like this 3-some he was on, the lack of any desire to work, the lack of any money really, the anger, the gossip, etc etc. All these things were under my question from early on. I just wasn't sure though. I came to know last week when he shouted at me publicly for not wanting more than a glass of water. And then he was starting to get worse with LL. That was the final straw. That cannot happen to LL. S made a comment to me soemthing about valuing myself as much as LL.
And I have I ended the relationship on Saturday. It was not easy to do in the sense of fear of telling him. This FEAR in me is so immense. I could have said something Wednesday. He gave me the opportunity. I could have said somethign Friday and planned to but bottled out.
I knew I needed to say something Saturday morning as he thought he was coming over for a nie stay. He was civil on the phone. He put the phone down. Then I got a sharp text.

"you have always been dishonest. A fake, self-seeking and very much blind to yourself. Maybe the result of hiding in your therapy work!! The sex was a sham and I think you will always have fantasies about your father".
I smiled. I think this was hurt being lashed out. There was some dishonesty on my part. He'd asked me if I'd ever prostituted myself. I said no.
The rest, well. I don't think there's any truth in it at all. The last comment is something he alluded to before. I had asked him then what he had said as I didn't hear it or maybe he didn't actually say anything more than a start of something. I can't quite remember, perhaps the latter. Anyway. I think G was projecting so much onto me.
So it's over.
And then in walks LW or rather I invited the advance.
In my mind the fantasy has begun. I'm married living in Sweden. We are great together.
You see he is good looking. This one is. I do find him physically attractive. We have had virual sex. He's donw it before he must have done although he said he's had phone sex with an ex.
He says that he fancied me when we were at scaool. I am finding it difficult to beleive that someone so good looking could have or does find me attractive. You see I see ugly. well maybe just unattractive.
It's amazing though that I am so comfortable in my body now.
Another adventure begins. I'm alrady in something else. No time as they say like the present .... toescape the emotions!

Well I'm tired. Late night cyber ses these day knackers me out. Gosh how I was managing with SL goodness only knows. I was up until 2 or 3 am and then up at 6 to leave for work and do a full day rush home and SL again.
Crazy!! I can't do it now.

Bliss
 

I rang I wrote I implored but nobody came

I rang I wrote I implored but not a single one of the sparkling hundreds attended the funeral and from Daisy not een a flower. I was all he had, the only one who cared.
.... After Gatsbys' death, New York was haunted for me. That city! My once golden shinmmering mirage, now made me sick.
On my last night in NY I returned to that huge incoherent house once more. Wolfshimes associates had cleared it out.
I remembered how we had all come to Gatsby's and guessed at his corruption. How he stood before us concealing the incorruptible dream.
The moon rose higher and as I stood there brooding on the old, unknown world.
I thought of Gatsbys wonder as he picked out the green light at the end of Daisys dock. He had come such a long way and his dream must have seemed so close he could hardly fail to grasp it.
But he did know it was already behind him
Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then but that's no matter
Tomorrow we will run faster and stretch out our arms farther, and one fine morning
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back, ceaselessly into the past.

Last page of
The Great Gatsbyby F. Scott Fitzgerald

Most of the big shore places were closed now and there were hardly any lights except the shadowy, moving glow of a ferryboat across the Sound. And as the moon rose higher the inessential houses began to melt away until gradually I became aware of the old island here that flowered once for Dutch sailors’ eyes—a fresh, green breast of the new world. Its vanished trees, the trees that had made way for Gatsby’s house, had once pandered in whispers to the last and greatest of all human dreams; for a transitory enchanted moment man must have held his breath in the presence of this continent, compelled into an æsthetic contemplation he neither understood nor desired, face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder.

And as I sat there, brooding on the old unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning——

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

I was compelled to watch this film. It is a great story. I lovved it with Robert Redford. By great I mean a very well told story. ML raved about the book, which I've never read. I rarely read these days.
I suspect it's my lack of focused attention. When I do read I so enjoy it. Another excuse is the long days, the studying, the too much else to do attitude.

What did I pick up on - well the obvious decadence,
I found it so frustrating when Tom was showing Gatsby's true background and implying that he, Tom, was from "real" money. What is that about. How do people come to be monied people and make it their own. They are then born into it, genrations of money makes them a line of somebodies. Yet Gatsby had gone away to become a somebody and despite his enormous wealth was not considered a somebody. And then the clean money too. The orginal makers of money in Tom's line probably made their money through dubious morals. Am I a cynic?
The decadence, money meant people could treat people however they wanted and all in the name of desire because I could sort of attitude.
So Gatsby never left the past. He journied in the present, making money, corruption, fabricating his persona as his money grew. But he was always in his past, trying to bring it in today. Too much had happened.
She was in two minds. But when his rage manifested .... did she suddenly see the unbred version, what would happen if pushed. She changed her mind from that moment.
Love did not conquer something. Money? Was it all about money. He thought he had to have money for her. He went and got it but it didn't do the trick.

I'm very interested to learn what ML thought of the film.

Bliss

 

Letter to SC

It has just occurred to me to share this memory I've kept and never given air time before. I was writing this morning and it popped out for the first time and yet it's been a memory that comes ito consciousness from time to time.

I once bought a record called Lying in the Arms of Mary. At the time I just loved it. I knew all the words. (I'e listend to it since just once and it's dreary - thank goodness for changing sphistications - or maybe not too - )

I would have been about 16 years of age. I have no idea where my mumwas - she may havebeen away on a business trip, she may even have been in bed. I don't recall the build up to the situaiton but this one evening my dad and I were sitting in the dark. He was in one sofa and I was on the other. I think I had asked him to listen to the record with me. This in itself was not usual as generally my dad didn't like listenting to music unless it was the radio. INterestingly I was gping to write and so will that he let me put the record on over and over and over and over and over again. Every time it sopped I put it on again. I can remember thinking any minute now he will tell me tos top but he didn't and so I didn't stop. I found it all strange at the time. I judder to the very core, a cringe that's a familiar sensation in my body when I think of us sitting there.I evven hate using the word sensation as somehow it has connotations of being pleasant.

We said nothing at all, not a sound.

I sometimes feel much that this memory is worse than some of the physical things that happened. Isn't that bizarre? The physical things are so obvious and wrong but things like that are much creepier and more evil,more sinister.

It's etched deeply in my memory. We weren't even sitting next to each other (thank goodness) but I have this impending feeling that he will get up and move closer. Ugh - judders from the inside right the way to the outside. And as if waiting forever that I can't get away from as if I'm locked into that seat. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Stuart I have meant to contact you. My dad died in February. For me it's a relief. I say that sometimes and think people will think I'm evil, but it's true. I wonder if it's a delay tactic to ward away the grief that's been there my entire life. But so far I have trickles of sadness and whenI realise I won't hear from him again but mainly a feeling of freedom that I won't hear from him again. Not in the sense of ghosts, but I do feel his presence. One night I even heard a whisper in my ear - "sorry".

My dad disinherited me. That hurt more than anything.

His last words for me were the most hurtful. He had been saying horrible things to me, telling me off when his consultant spoke to me in my dads opinion me taking too much of the consultants time. He complained about my clothes and then wanted me to leave. He pretended to fall asleep and that was the last time I saw him conscious. That hurts deeply. The final rejection. People say my dad deep down loved me but honestly I do not think this is true. I think deep down he disliked me intensely. I know people will dispute that but I know it. Some thinsk we do just know.

I do know the soul of the man did feel that hatred for anyone really. But that is different. My dad was not in touch with his soul.

Since his death I have discovered many horrible things about him. In fact I have discovered that his entire persona was fabricated. It rocked me. Somehow it meant that everything about my existance wasn't what I had thought it had been. I feel so sad for my mum. She must have known. But she did nothing. perhaps in the final years of her life she was fighting back. I realise she used to say "stop it John" when he was torturing me somehow - mentally or physically but she did nothing to actually change the situation.I understand that she must have been very afraid of him.

I think now she must have known something about what was going on with me. I have learnt that her boss and a few friends had approached her and said that it wasn't decent that I was left alone after school. I had looked after myself since the age of 5 and at 9 people started to notice and said something. I have also learnt that a family who were firnds of our family since I was little always felt that I was not a happy child and were worried that there was something going on, even wondering if I was being abused. Gosh if only we all had the courage to confront situations when we are suspicious. I know how difficult I found it when I was suspicious of a neighbours activities and a very damaged little girl. But I was afraid I would be out of order. I did say something in the end and it turned out to be true. Thankully the little girl is getting help and the fatjer has been removed. The mother dislikes me intensely. It must be odd for a wife to suddenly have no husband for reasons so foul. The love cannot be switched off and the grief yet all mixed up with the horrors of what had been going on.

So I do understand these people's dilemma but wow I wish someone had rescued little me.

Sometimes it still pops into my head that I made it all up but not as often. But it's more in a way that this ca't possibly have happened to me, to us within our family. We were just a normal family.

I have learnt more about my dads affairs. I was absolutely disgusted through my body when an old army pal told me that my dad was the randiest man any of the regiment had ever known and they did actually worry about it!! Ugh! I wanted to run out and vomit. Strangely I had a slip with my food that lunchtime whilst there in the regiment headquarters - no surprise really. But oddly I didn't want to eat the trigger food it was actually but I was too scared to say I couldn't eat it.

I suddenly realised the full extent of my fear of people. Ad have plenty more situations to face where the fear of people has been so mountainous to be almost too big to deal with.Thank goodness for recovery and for a lot of support.

I am learning Stuart - I am learning so much.

I have also learnt about lies my dad has told about me. It's horrid to hear. But then there are so many truths when I was in my using days that oddly he hasn't talked about to people. That's strange but I recognise it too in me. I remember doing my first step one in treatment and I fabricated these awful things connected with drinking and drugs yet didn't talk about any of the actual awful things I was doing. But I didn't connect those things with my using I thoght they were me so in shame as I realise now had to hide those things. How flipping convoluted I am which is what scares me as I see that I am similar to my dad.

I am afraid that I am a pathological liar as I now believe he was. I am afraid that I am never able to hold down a relationship because I am as sick as he was.

I am afraid that I didn't have children because I would abuse them as he did. I did once think of feeling my little cousin when she was about 3 - thankfully she ran off. I was 13. I loed her so so much. She was just the cutest thing. I wouldn't want to hurt her.

She died just voer a year ago - 41 and left behind her three lovely young girls.

I am far too distant from my family members. I have ketp it that way since I left home at 17. I don't know why but I'm scared that I do keep a distance because I'm like my dad. Yet I love people and really love my frinds and socialising. IN fact I've had to learn how to be by myself. Now I enjoy my alone time but with a constant healthy size and feeling confiddent it is easy now to socialise. I used to a lot but be so uncomfortable when I was overweight.

I know lots of things I write are sort of classic symptoms of .... whatever label. But when it's me it's difficult to rationalise everything sometimes.

I have no idea why this morning the memory of Lying in the Arms of Mary suddenly came to mind again. However, it did and for the first time I wrote about and felt that feeling of impending doom that comes with it.

I know my dad can't get up and move closer now but of course in my psyche he still can.

I went to see his dead body. It was strange. You see the situation with his wife was so swkward and horrible things were happening with her during the day when he was in the throws of dying. It was so uncomfortable with her behaviour that I decided to leave knowing that I would not see my dad again. It was horrid sitting next to his dying self ad touching his arm. I didn;t want to touch him because I elt disgusted by the feel of him. Not in dying jsut the repulsion of him. HIs smell had been different for some years but him lying there dying it was there again. I touched him because I was too scared not to inc ase his wife continued to think I was just cold. She had no idea of course. I so wanted to scream out what had actually happened. I wanted to scream out in the curch for his funeral. They all looked at me as if I was the evil one. It was so difficult. I could not stop my body from shaking.

But anyway before that I went to see his body. They were waiting for his coffin. A really weird choice of his I thought - a wicer coffin. Every time I think of that I think how odd. Occassionally my dad did odd things.

So the warned me that he was on a plinth with just a veil over him. It looked therefore as if he was floating. He looked as if he was alive too. When my mum died I was there as she died and she definitely looked gone - dead - noone there. with my dad he looked as if he was still there and I thought at any moment he was going to ump up and start telling me off.

Stuart I did the weirdest thing ever. I took a picture of his dead body. I really wasscard to do it because he would get up and shout at me. He would have hated me doing that he would have found me disgusting I know that.

I have kept the photo. I don't look at it. Well once or twice but I know it's there. every so often when flicking through my album I see if flit past.

I think I must be so weird.

I rally can see how over the years of using, since I was 17 really things started getting ou of hand and escalated to a peak but which was the level setting through my thirties. iw as a mess and I know that I hurt my mum and dad. The thing is my dad could never forgive me.

I ahve been forgiving him. IN the last year and a half I have been shoiwing up being friendly and keeping some light contact. Partly I wanted to and partly to be kept in the will - ha ha ha - last laugh on him with that. I despise his wife and have to pray extra hard.

She really was awful but everyone found her awful it would seem. I saw how her daughters were affected by her and jst elt sad. I pary for her for my resnetments to be lifted.

I also know a little of her story now and feel very sad for her.

As much as I hate to admit it I think perhaps she and my dad found som happiness together. I don't think either of them were actually happy but maybe there was a reprieve for them when they shut everyone else out which is what they did.

I hope so anyway.

What I am tryiong to reconcile is how the lies I've leant about seem to invlidate all that I thought as true. Everything about him was so fabriated that it means nothing was as it actually appeared. My mum and used to know that stories didn't actually fit. We used to cover up for him so became a part of the fabrication. I no longer know what the truth of my lifetime actually is. It feels odd. I feel odd.

I feel ashamed for people to know I am his daughter. I feel enbarrassed now taling to family friends. I feel ridiculous talking to his military friends and yet I want to be friendly as they ahve been so good to me.

I want to run and be someone else somewhere else at the worst moments. But I also know that it snot a solution. I tried it and it didn;t work. Ha ha.

I don't have the urges to do anything at all. My life overall is so good. Food recovery has been a remarkable root of change.

All the work I have done with you has been an incredible grounding to be able to even get into food recovery. Weird that it had to be that way around when all addictions therapy suggests sensibly that change the addictive behaviour andthe rest will become clear.

I wasn't intending on writing all of this but it seemed to flow out. Amidst a lot of tears at some points too.

I do not struggle with living on a day to day basis anymore. Sometimes things seem to hit me in the pit of my stomach and wind me temporarily. I actually enjoy living. I am tentative to write that as it also means letting go of my old friend bleakness and inertia and deatliness. There is a slight reluctance to let go. If I've got a hold of them then I know where they are. If I let go then they are free to wonder around and catch me out.

They were always there until one day they took me over without me even knowing they could. Now I am cautious with a fear that is becoming a healthy respect.

S I've written this and just want to hear what you think of it all. I am not looking for THE one solution but I just want to hear what you think of it all. Your honest thoughts. I trust you and when I sat and thought I need to tell someone you were the only person I could tell. It's because you are impartial yet know me. I don't want the food recovery talk of it all or the friends versions of their own experiences similar to mine or anything like that.

Of course I would do that too but first of all this is me - does that makes sense.

What would you suggest?

I don't necessarily want to say any more than all that has just come out.

Phewff I feel exhausted.

Thank you for reading this

warm regards

The judderman is back

.... this morning at 4 am I was woken by a call - blocked number (which G had been doing with his phone) and no one spoke. I feel pretty certain it was him. He has very disturbed sleep - terrible dreams in the early hours - so I hope he's not going to have a period of making calls to disturb me.

It may not have been him of course.

I really pray for his hurt to heal.

I feel dreadful for being any part of hurting him at all. I have no regrets about this time with George apart from there being any hurt. It happens though. "Adventuring" brings the full array of joy, fear, anger, plus hurt and sadness. I would rather have had my experiences than not I think. I say this now in hindsight and with the knowledge i have today. But in the pain of course I don't want it. I don't just mean this time with G, I mean every time with everything. Including all the stuff with my dad. I'd still rather not have been on the receiving end of sexual abuse in all it's shapes and forms with my dad and indeed through my adult life too. BUT I can better live with these memories and impacts today I think. I am changing and improving. And for this I am truly grateful.

Do you know? I do feel regret when I look back and see the men I have allowed into my life. Not all. I've been out with many men who I have truly fancied. But in the same progressive manner with other obsessions, I have allowed men into my life that I really have not fancied at all. JH was one of them. My dealer. Oh my god if you had met him. I was repulsed by him but you know what - drugged of course - the paranoia that he was seeing someone else - baffling. Of course he was, like me women were hooked in with the drugs. Shit I feel the shame of wanting these men. And indicative of my self-worth they just have to pay that little bit extra attention. Just clawing at anyone who shows even a crumb of love. It's so sad that anyone should not feel worthy enough ....

It's so compelling that at times I really don't know I can have what I want.

But each time I learn a little more. What is incredible is that I am perfectly okay on my own. I like people and enjoy sharing experiences with people. But to be home on my own is so easy and relaxing. From a child that has never been the case. I spent so much time alone as a child. From a little girl I would return home from school and be alone. I made up people and played make believe games. There was always silence in the house apart from in my head. I think that's why I liked music so much but when my dad came home music had to be switched off. Yet when he wanted music we had no choice. My mum liked classical music and especially the arias, my dad never ever let her listen to it. She like the Beatles too and had loads of records but she was never allowed to listen to them. Instead we had to listen to music he liked if we had the radio on.

I feel quite sick thinking of this but I once bought a record called Lying in the Arms of Mary. (Now I've listened to it and its dreary ha ha ha). The song carries a bit of me with it forever. However I want to continue to unlock the binding chains.

I really loved this record. When I bought it one night my mum was away on a trip. My dad and I sat in the dark listening to it over and over and over and over again. He let me keep putting it on. I never normally was allowed to play my records on the stereo I had to play it on the old fashioned portable in my bedroom. God how old I am as for ages they were the only record players ha ha ha ha . I wish I still had it and all my records. As usual I got rid of them in one of my many geographicals.

Whenever I think of that evening I cringe to the very core. Sometimes feel much that memory can be worse than some of the physical things that happened. Isn't that bizarre. The physical things are so obvious and wrong but things like that are much creepier and more evil and more sinister.

It's etched deeply in my memory. We weren't even sitting next to each other (thank goodness) but I have this impending feeling that he will get up and move closer. Ugh - judders from the inside out and one of those forever waiting moments that I can't get away from as if I'm locked into that seat waiting forever.

It's been a big thing in my psyche from then and this is the first time I've ever written about it. I shan't of course send this email. And now know I need to talk to someone about this. It has to be someone very safe. And that person is SC. I think I will email him.

 

But then step in LW. This flirtatious contretemps has been fun but I know it's a distraction from feeling the feelings. There is one difference, he is very fanciable to look at and by the sounds of it lives a way more in tune with my own, i.e. working and earning. G was very different in this way, preferring not to work and making doing with little money. Of course I immediately have fantasies and he talks of just arriving. He is very naughty and I've gone along with it. I have fantasy as hopes but not really that disillusioned. I will just go along with it but terrified of course of the insecurity setting in as attachment grows. How can I stay detached? God help me.

 Bliss

Ambivalence to Addiction by Prof FT

Higher Order Systems versus Lower Order Systems.
Can we train our HIGHER ORDER SYSTEM?
The higher order might need to energise the lower order too.

Imagine the woman who is married to a drunkard. She is forced to have sex with him. She has a higher level intention that overrides the disgist of the lower level.
The wanting goes up and the liking remains much the same.
Sometimes it works the other way around. A happily married couple never get around to sex but enjoy if they ever get around to it. They no longer wat each other but like each other.


Id of Freud is wild and constrained by the super ego. And Skinner discuessed basic reinforcement issues.

Ambivalence

"I had prayed to you for chastity and said "Give me chastity and continence but not yet." For I was afraid that you would answer my prayer at once and cure me too soon of the disease of lust which I wanted satisfied, not quelled."
St Augustine, Confessions Book VIII. 7

Conflict between wanting to stop and be different but then not in a way that others might suggest. I wanted change but on my terms.

Some people talk about acting on instinct and this might suggest that the lower system or the older system within the brain is in charge. So when does it occur that reason and logic, the more evolved part of the brain can override the wild side, the side that wants to be satisified in terms of St Augutus?
What was the point for eample when I'd had enough even though I didn't know what it was that I had had enough of or what I needed to do? When was it that I gave in to AA for instance and let this programme support or develope the supposed missing evolved side of me?

An instincutal murder as opposed to a serial killer which is premeditated urder such as Ted Bundy. Vincent Tabak however, was this premeditated or unplanned as suggested by Prof FT. He murdered a girl in Bristol. He watched violent pronography it was discovered. He saw a smile as a come on sign and followed that up somehow. In her presence perhaps he was replaying the fantasies that seemed to take over. This seems to be the conclusion the police made. Bandura certainly produed evidence that would suggest that behaviours can be learnt or indeed inspired through mimicing others and in fact the censoring of TV programmes for children was based on this evidence. I think this was in the 70's it really started. There is a separate argument perhaps for the removal of choice perhaps weakening the self-censorship that might come through experience. There will be the percentage of people I am supposing that will never develop a self-censorship and perhaps that links in with addiction. Again I am not sure at what point I knew that I couldn't go onin the way I was going. It was destructive and I was so very unhappy. Despite desperately seekig the feel good factor I was simply getting to under normal which was better at least than despair. But it wasn't enough.

MOTIVATION theory

Biopsychosocial -
lures bring us on like magnets to certain behaviours. The fundamental drives being hunger, thirst, lust. Satisfied with food, drink and sex.
Incentives pull on our behaviour. And this seems to be general across all motivations.

The combination of the physical stimulus and the cognitive representation, for example imagination, that can stimulate behaviours or in other words underlie motivation.

I can so identify this with sex addiction. Just yesterday talking about the fantasy of M/s with G was stimulatig. I did not have to have any physical stimulation to feel desire purely based on memories and imagination. I was aroused and wanted G to play along. However, there is another side that is developing withi me. Instead of being animalisitic, instinctive or level 1 of the system, I also recognise how that draw, that lure can be dangerous. I can see how it removes from the two people just as they are. The role play can become the relationship and something is lost. It becomes all about sex. I could feel it happenig in a sense and then where would G and I be in that situation again. I could feel the pull though. And last night I was tempted to take a look at SL. I signed into the website and thank goodness noone was logged on that could have been a further lure. It is there within me. I fell into the cyber sex routine so easily with LW and felt the shame and also he disappointment within me that I had been disloyal to G despite myself. It is a strong and powerful driver of my behaviour counter to my spiritual principles that I value so highly. Gosh!

Skinner developed his box drawing on the natural motivation of hunger. He showed that the rat would "learn" to press a lever to get food. A behaviour that would not necessarily be a natural behaviour
And so incentive motivation theory - based on homeostasis, the tendency of the body to keep the body stable.
Homeostasis however is not the dominant drive, the incentive is shown to be the stronger drive.
Ie when intravenously injected with water this wasn't enough to create the learning in the rat - ie the lever injection pairing.


Some addictions can be mutually supporting because they share a bit of common brain machinery. Sex and drugs, alcohol and gambling for example - basically describing what I see call cluster addictions.


Drugs hijack biologically-adaptive processes.
They cheat the system and use the system - lure with the incentive for their potent consequences.
There is no advantage to survival to using drugs but lure on their changed effect.

Dopamine out of alignment casue catastrophe. It is used only in a small number of areas in the brain.
It is believed to be a part of the seeking out - the incentive activity in the brain.
It seems to make life seem good - excitation of the dopaminergic system.

Incentive salience - dopamine turns life into magnets that draw us in.

Tolman and Bowls Bindra - 3 giants in the research of addiction.

There is  specific brain pathway that seems linked with the magnet behaviour, the lure to the outside world.
Change is key in this area of the brain. Coolidge Effect - wanting uncertainty and change. It excited dopamine. Las Vegas research is full of people with uncertainty, machines maximising on uncertainty.
Dovovyetsy, The Gambler - was suddenly overcome by risk.
Uncertainty drives for more and more of it.

The nearer to the target the more intense the pull of the magnet. Motivational myopia. Strongly motivated means that consequences get ignored i.e. ignore the effect on waistline when wanting to eat
Discounting the future.

Differences in brains shows that stimulated by sex or food and the pathway activity with individuals meant that the researcher could predict their behaviour in connection with food and sex.

Measuring cravings - some people are craving at the image of food for example. Some people are strong cravers and others not. It's triggered by cues.
Common dopaminergic centres - this could spill over into making another incentive attractive. Sex for example is used to sell other things - cars, smoking etc.

Ian Huntley - perhaps it was not planned and happened on impulse. He thought he was on to a good thing but discovered he wasn't and something spilled over into his aggression.


Addiction
Dopamine underlies our wanting of the addiction.

Dopamine medication shows that it spills over into the wanting pathway and [eople develop an addiction.
People like drugs and alcohol and sex etc. Liking is driven by the opioids in the brain.


Rat pups protest when taken away from their mother. Injected with morphoine their distress is greatly reduced. Soothing.

Nicotine is one of the most difficult to give up of the substances.
Thene tere are behavioural addictions - there are natural opioids in the brain. If injecting opioid for example the brain is artificially stimulated then.
Life is not broken down anymore into physical or psychological. Now they are known to be both.

All addictions serve the end to bring up the level of opiods. Short term pleasure for long term pain is the trade off.

Even with all the misery the addict believes that life is better than without despite the long term pain.

If shown the trigger cue there is low level dopiminergic activity. ie show a sex addict pornogrpahy then the craving is triggered. And the drive to get the person and the craving gets stronger when the possibility gets more probable.

There is an example of flight crew who are smokers - one short haul and one long haul team. The short term crew craved the closer they got to Berlin but the other crew didn't start craving strongly until approaching Japan.

Smoking however don't get a high rate as do cocaine addicts for example. It's not a massive noticeable rush.

Want what we like and like what we want.
Liking can come down though. A dissociation can occur as they are two seperate bases.
ONe dopamine and one opioid.

An addict will approach cues.

Control and motivation come together - how to weaken the influence of system one.
Preemptive action - Homer - he knew he'd given in to temptation but he knew that he needed to take preemptive action - ie. could resist the lure.
Food TEMPTATIONS - if you feel you may give in and value your waistline take your own food and don't wait as in the "hot" state you will give in.
Gamblers often put themselves on the banned list as if they get there they will give in to the temptation.
Some are good at restraint some are not.
Wilde - I couldn't help it I could resist everything but temptation.

There are differences in people with regard to temptation. It shows in rats as well.
Some rats will engage more vigorously than others - there is a large amount of incentive salience.
Both incentivised in the same way but some are more intrigued than others.
Thre seems to be a tendency towards the low level control and the high level control but whats the difference.
The ones that are vigorous have a high level of dopamine in the brain - they have certain traits and things become a positive reinforcer in their own right.
Is it the same in humans?

Love Prof FT who is so proud of his photo with Skinner.

Skinner was the father of operant conditioning. Reinforcement - we do them because we get reinforced.
There were two students who challenged this - they talked about the misbehaviour ...
Misbehaviour can be a priming word in cognitive explanations.
They trained animals to work for food. They would pick up a coin and earn food that way.
Thigns went down hill and behaviours degenerated. Aniumals did anything but deposit the coin.
The conditioning gave the token enormous incentive salience.
Dovovetsjy talked about the racing heart as he neared the gambling hall. Fetishes are usually a male phenomenon - and could be linked with similar to high incentive atttributions to the fenmal attire is underdriven by dopamine.

Addiction is a stronger than normal system 1 and weaker system 2.
The prefrontal brain is damaged with certain drugs.

relapse - predictive lures will weaken the resolve to quit.
Vietnam War was an example that only some are actually addictive. The expectation was theat there would be an increase in drug addicts. There wasn't the levels returned to the same as they were.

There is more and more addiction in society - not just substances but behaviours too. It is suggested that there is dislocation driving addiction. People are torn from their social norms.
Opiates reduce distress of separation - a social alienation might underlie addiction.

Is biology the issue or is it sociology? I don't think it can be extricated as a separateness.
Of course it's both. The fact that the environment changes is also linked within internal environmental changes.
Both are crucial to each other.

As a species we are most able to predict the future and yet discount this with addiction.

Why do we vote the way we do?
Is it appearance? - Kennedy was tanned, taller and more attractive
Evidence suggests that its not just issues that people vote on
Dispassionate vision is one level - Passionate vision - people are moved by what is illicit in the person
2 systems? They co-exist and we make up our mind based o appeals to system 1 or system 2?
Bush for example appealed more to system 1 ie he could get on with people.
Those who were attracted to the more cignitive canditate may have been stronger on system 2.

Balance - Obama- appealed to both.
Clinton seemed to appeal to both. He did get out of kilter. But his speeches were genius.
Consumer society produces an excessive level of wants.

System 2 both needs to energise and restrain ie ie the driver and the horse. The driver needs to get the horse going but also slow it down when necessary.
If the horse takes control the drive is being disengaged.
It will operate then at a very low level - prediction and awareness are removed.

Politicians. How well bealanced are system 1 and 2.
Bush appealed to system 1 - TWICE.
What drives the politician. Driven by system 1 and 2 in combination.
There may be a bias towards system 1 - does a psychopath have a higher drive by system 1?
Gore or Kerry work on system 2 and appeal to system 2 people.
Clinton is a textbook case of getting the balance of the two systems.
Highly intellectual but incredibly affable.

Approach and avoidance - the control of active behaviour ie moving towards or avoiding and aversive situation. If the animal avoids a shcok to its foot then that pathway is activated.
There is a pathway that seems to characterise depression. Three is a distinction b etween wanting and liking
Some people just don't want but if can get out of bed do enjoy what they engae with ie the liing is till therre. Some people can not want nor like

Smoking- manage to quits. Some people will stay awayfrom addictions - is system 2 more dominant?
What a dread for the good question. There is no answer to this question.
Yes the system 2 seems to become more active if they manage to quit.
Why do some people get this inspiration to swtich off the habit totally - does chock treatment trick system 2 into activity?
Nicotine only ever takes away the distress of not having it. Possibly.
ALEXANDER SAYS THAT THE DISLOCATION OR DISPOSSESED TURN TO ADDICTION.
Not everyone smolking is dislocated or dispossed but it creates a craving for itself.
It doens't bring any great hedonism expect the alleviation of the craving
Why do some people kick the habit?

Nicotone is only addictive for 3 days - the habitual side is the difficulty afterwards.
Change things and behaviours around the smoking and it starts to break the addiction cues.
A 60 a day smoker was given some support and given some suggestions. There was something about not being told and believed the persona dn followed the suggestions.
Belief is therefore important in people deciding to follow the path of change.

Influence could be key in giving up.











Bliss




 

Principles as a layer of Systems according to St Paul

Romans - letters from St Paul to the Romans
7:14

The Law, of course, as we all know is spiritual; but I am unspiritual; I have been sold as a slave to sin. I cannot understand my own behaviour. I fail to carry out the things I want to do, and I find myself doing the very things I hate. When I act against my own will, that means I have a self that acknowledges that the Law is good, and so the thing behaving in that way is not my own self but sin living in me. The fact is, I know of nothing good living in me - living that is, in my unspiritual self - for though the will to do what is good is in me, their performance is not, with the result instead of doing the good things I want to do, I carry out the sinful things I do not want. When I act against my will, then, it is not my true self doing it, but sin which lives in me.
In fact, this seems to be the rule, that every single time I want to do good it is something evil that comes to hand. In my inmost self I dearly love God's Law, but I can see that my body follows a different law that battles against the law which my reason dictates. This is what makes me a prisoner of that law of sin which lives in my body.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body doomed to death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!
In short, it is I who with my reason serve the Law of God, and no less I who serve in my unspiritual self the law of sin.

... The unspiritual are interested only in what is unspiritual, but the spiritual are interested in spiritual things. It is death to limit oneself to what is unspiritual; life and peace can only come with concern for the spiritual.

You may think I've suddenly turned religious as this is a quite from the Bible. I have nothing against religion except the people that in my opinion are invested with powers that they misuse. I therefore don't like to use the word adopted by religions, God. Even the capital letter makes me shudder. And yet I am happy with a capitalised Universe. I am because it to me represents truth, love, bliss, wisdom and peace. It is gentle and unassuming, it just happens. There is a rhythm to it all. And right now I see nature reclaiming itself against the destruction that has become man. Stronger viruses and bacteria gradually taking back mother earth.
So this verse I discovered was inspired by listening to Prof FT when he referred to St Paul's letters to the Romans and despite the lack of science St Paul depicts his awareness of two systems within him. Prof FT was referring to this in his lecture (previous post). As Prof FT said thought there are many 2-level systems throughout the brain and he cited the spiritual system as one because this has been extensively researched and is probably the best known. To this point systems are being identified but none so clearly distinguished as 2 level systems as vision. So St Paul is identifying the inner self that has beliefs of one sort and yet this overriding system that behaves against those principles. It is an uncanny vision of something that is these days researched and explored.
Addiction is a good example of a system over riding all sense. It is compelling and powerful. What happens to that quiet inner spiritual self? Why is it so quiet and yet it is so good? What sense is that in this system we have Universe/god? I don;t believe it is a mistake. Nothing in this Universe is a mistake, it is how it is.
Making sense of these things  biologically actually does help me to understand. But my understanding of biological psychology is not to move away from spiritual understanding, it simply reaffirms the wonder of the spirit, the Universe and I am in awe. It is wonderful.

There is something that grates on me. I cannot be entirely open and honest with G. I have not told him of a period in my life when I was escorting. That term is a very polite way of saying high-class prostitution. In reality I was visiting or they were visiting me and I was paid to have sex with them. I also haven't told him about all my sexual playing out. It doesn't seem beneficial and yet I do not feel fully open and honest. I know things about myself he doesn't know. I am holding back. I cannot decide if it is actually is harmful to tell him or more harmful to keep this secret. People would say no but then people do not always know. I give it to you Universe to guide me.
I know he invites the whole truth and says he does not make judgement. I want to know about him and women but when I do know it influences my thoughts about him and his motives today. For example I am grateful for his truth about his sexual experiences and his fantasies with men and things. But it leaves me questioning. Is he actually gay? Is that what affects his sexual arousal when he is with me, because really he would like to be with a man? And so on.
So how this links with the passages above about spiritual people are interested in spiritual things, I believe that honesty is spiritual. And I am one for secrecy, exaggeration, and outright untruths (lies). I am working on being more honest. And I like the truth, no I love the truth. I hope for openness and truth from others. This secret I am keeping stands against that principle. But there is also step 9 which adds to the act of amends "except when to do so would injure others". It could be damaging to him? I think it would create emotions with him and distrust. I am gradually revealing more of me to him. I have revealed my fantasies of M/s and not entirely explained the acting out but at least explained the research that I did online.
The thing is G has an extraordinary memory and so as more of me gets revealed is aware of the holes en route to get to today. There is more to be revealed and I guess that's all I can say to him. I need to learn to trust I do not automatically trust. I need to see how and where I am with every day with him. I have seen him react in ways that are frightening to me. If he doesn't like something or someone he is prone to put his take on that and reveal it outside in the broader arena. So if I were to give hi information that he took umbrage to I am not entirely sure that we can work through it and therefor at risk of being exposed broadly. So what if I am? It would be my truth. However, discretion is mine too.
Universe guide me please. As I currently feel closer to G, thank you Universe, it leaves me unsure as always how to proceed. Friends do know my past and so there is always the risk that it could be revealed to him through other sources. Ex's do know too and a man scorned? Who knows?
Please show me how to be and follow the spiritual path. I am not doing those things now and I am pretty certain that whilst I continue to work in me I am changing ad more in line with my inner spirit and Universal spirituality. I do not claim that I am not tempted by unspiritual pursuits and evil. I was tempted just recently with LW. I am more and more aware of the force of flattery. I know this is deeply connected with a deep sense of worthlessness. This is not spiritual. It is this 2 system that Prof FT talks about. Somehow I have learnt that I am scum and hold that belief so strongly. I hold it so strongly that is has driven most of my life choices in adulthood. And those choices have been so destructive. Unlearning this message I wonder if it's actually possible. I see changes whereby I  do feel better about myself at times. They are glimpses of change. It can easily slip into grandiosity but mainly I stay beneath the parapet of equality and slip into the quagmire of inferiority. Hence a smile or an affirmation from an external source can totally turn my head and lead me away from the spiritual pursuit. It is a hard path to follow.It can seem like deprivation at times. But I know it is worth it.
Therefore in following a spiritual path I wonder if it is necessary to forsake relationships with men all together? I have asked this question of the Universe. I asked the question of G yesterday. It feels saddening to think this might be the case. Is a relationship actually a veil between me and the spiritual path in totality? Can there be both? Or is the relationship meant to be me and the spirit within me. As G says who is me? What is this thing called me?


Here is the text I sent to G. I suspect he will think I've gone crazy. Or rather will confirm that I am ...

A question for you. There is no I, no me. What is there? What do you understand by there being no I? I'm interested. I'm sure there is no answer but I just wondered what this means to you. I'm not yet anywhere close to have any comprehension - I see flesh enclosing a sense of me separating me from you and other things. Yet there is no existence without, a sense of me is helped along by who and what I am not. There are in groups and out groups resulting in prejudices and yet we all breathe air to even exist. Is it unspiritual to have a sense of I. Who is this I? I feel that I is multidimensional. But there is a shifting I depending on situations at the same there is a level of consistent me regardless - what is that bit? And then whether to truly be is it necessary to forsake all desires - sex? Is it possible to be you and me got example and still follow the spirit? Is that ONLY feeding a want? And I also question whether the core can truly change such as my utter belief that I am scum. I sometimes can feel a degree of equality as a being - but that then is "me" versus "them" - mostly I live in the quagmire of inferiority occasionally riding above the parapet but into grandiosity. It has changed that at times "I'm" simply "me" not better nor worse than. But then what if I'm not an I at all?

Anyone - if you have some thoughts on this I truly would be interested t know what you think.

Bliss
xx