I have a headache :)

Well, what do I say? Where do I begin?
My mind is whizzing with thoughts and ideas and questions and realisations, which are then later challenged again. Nothing is certain, all seems confusing.

Last night I felt post trauma return to me. I haven't had that for a little while and certainly not as virulently.
I had been speaking with JH and all sorts of feelings were arising. I felt hope for honesty and owning that if I am deciding to enter into this relationship again I must put trust in him.

Oh just realised  my headache could be contribute to by a lack of any caffeine this morning. I am so frigging dependent on it again. 3 years without! I really did it. I longed for it a lot of that time so it wasn't a real recovery from caffeine and destined for relapse. I did not find any spirituality around this flipping chemical. HA! More less than perfection. So I am going to make a coffee. I am waiting for AB to call. She is later than we had planned so I think we will walk the Devils' Punchbowl this afternoon now. It gets dark so much earlier so hopefully we can go soon. It's so flipping cold here! I hope it doesn't snow. I think it's too cold to snow. I hope it's too cold to snow. To be honest I don't really know what is too cold or not to snow. I simply want to be snowed into my home rather than snowed out. Last year was so touch and go.
And the P take my leave from me if I can't get in. Actually they are not incredibly good employers at all. They would probably crucify me for making that public. But considering they are healthcare they do not care for their staff at all well.
I really do think it's diabolical that they do not pay for sickness. At first I was beginning to get drawn into their way of thinking. I do not tolerate people that take the piss out of a system. By that I mean people who skive off because they can. But there will always be people who take advantage of any system. However, to deprive people of the right to be sick by n ot paying them. I see people drag themselves in and it's unhealthy. It breeds a culture of distrust and resentment.
Quoted from Wikipedia - The National Insurance Act (Part I) passed in 1911 gave workers the right to sick pay of 10s a week and free medical treatment in return for a payment for 4d (the payments would last for 26 weeks of sickness). The medical treatment was provided by doctors who belonged to a "panel" in each district. Doctors received a fee from the insurance fund for each "panel" patient they treated. The National Insurance Act (Part II) gave workers the right to unemployment pay of 7s 6d a week for 15 weeks in return for a payment of 2½d a week.
It took someone else to point out to me that people really fought way bakc in the 1900's and indeed earlier for such rights. But me being me thinks I have no rights. When it comes to the perceived authority and to superiority I have this sense of being shit on their shoe and they know best.
But actually internally I feel truly aggrieved at the P for adopting sucha  policy. They also don't invest in individual development yet expect employees to be current and accredited and amongst the best in the business. I see them recruit cheaply and good people becom e quickly disappointed. They recruit too people who care about the less fortunate patients and staff who give their all for the good of others. But people do become quickly disillusioned and their commitement wanes.
I stayed committed to PD. He fights for us as best he can and not only that he

Vulnerable Adults

Abuse - individual or institutional

Mental confusions
Insomnia
Pitch of talkking - speed of talking
Low self-esteem
angry - physical or verbal outbursts
sudden gain/loss of weight
withdrawal from friendships
communication difficulties

Beliefs -
deserve abuse
fear of abandonment
change subject frequently
significant pauses or silences
avoid emotions by talking about what others may feel
avoid exporessing opinions by asking someone to express their opinions
A talkative person becomes silent

personal hygiene
realxed or tense?
arms folded?
leaning towards or away
eye contact strong or completely avoided

Breezy

Erwin Olaf


 At least JH and I were able to have some light and breezy when we met today. And I enjoy him introducing photographers to me.

I felt the anger at one point. I can see now that it is there simmering and JH rightly is aware of it. I am gald to be able tp acknowledge it with him so that I then don;t act out harshly with it and punish him or try to impose the anger I feel. I know myself that someone's anger has been difficult for me. I feel the deep sense of everything being my fault. It's a hard lesson to learn that we affect each other and anger isn;t smoehting I want to evoke in anyone. Why? Because when I evoked anger as a child my dad over reacted. He would shame me and at times hit me. He always verbally demeaned my sense of self. I was a bad person. So when anyone has been angry I go straight back to the shameful me. Yet I have been learning that anger when appropriately sized is evoked for good reason. For example when someone's boundary is crossed. Anger has a purpose. It serves to help protect us - flight or fight when taken back in evolutionary purposes. Anger helps to get the adrenalin flowing and energises the body first to run and then if unable to run then to battle.
So when I felt angry earlier on it was good to acknowledge it and then not to act impulsively on it. I did not need to behave in a way that would demeane JH, I simply stated that i feel angry. Boundaries and preferences that I stated very clearly have been crossed. And whilst JH says he was not aware, he knew at some level that he not deceiving me. He is far from a stupid man so I felt angry. It's bound to come up after all the hurt. Often men just touch a shade of hurt and divert to anger much sooner than women. I know it is a part of the process.
But what I also recognise has been triggered is the childhood trauma. Now I am not putting this on JH at all. But the poor fragile me has been through a lot this week. And at work ther has been a lot of first time disclosure of rapes and sexual abuse. Not to mention the announcements of paedophilia rings being brought to trial.Me thinkgin about those poor little girls and brings to mind CH. I am cross with IC, I expect CH is using heroin by now.
I felt the trauma rising in me. At first I had this overwhleming sadness that seemed not to be attached to anything. It was just nig and fore veryone on the planet struggling with life on life's terms. We all have to deal with difficulties of varying degrees. I felt the pain of the masses. And then I went into a sort of panic attack.
Shaking and feeling aboiut 5 years old. I suddenly couldn't discern good from evil. I suddnely wondered whether perhaps JH wants to hurt me. I don;t believe that of him at all ut I could not quell the panic and trauma. I felt disgust through my body and cringing at having genitals, I can;t even write the revolting feeling that went through me. I have known so many abusers and of course I attracted them. I did not know that I did not need to be abused.
So any old abuser could come along and abuse me. Bastards. Why do people wnt to do that? Why? Universe I still don't get it.
I used to go over and over with SC (therapist). The greatest unanswered questionthat seems to never be reconciled. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Despie seeking answers from Buddhist monks and Christian priests and supposed sages, I still cannot reconcile this.
The little girls of Soham still reverberate around my head. And now these little girls and CH. It's the only way to sort of raise the question as it's somehow not permissible for me to raise it for myself. I am not worhty of that attention as I still have difficulty believing what I know is true.
Just my rectio tonight is more evidence of the vile truth.

I think JH thinks I am a mental case. I think he is truggling to actually like me. I think he doesn;t knw. I love him. He isn;t sure if i Like him. I like him. Many things I like about him. He talks about being putr on a pedestal when we first me by me and he feels as if he is tumbling off. I did not put him on a pedestal. All the qualities I saw then, I see now. I did not know what I also knwo now. And it's going to take time to build trust. I am choosing to be in ther ealtionship so have to put trust into him yet again. And I am believing him that he is affecting change.
I am so scared of being hurt again and my decision to stay being the wrong one. Yet at the same time I like and love being with JH and talking aout all sorts of things.
I long to be cuddled up with him safe and just there. I do not want sex right at this time I feel too much disgust but I think this is linked with the little trauma panic.
Well I hand it over to you Universe.
Thanks for getting me through today, I don;t feel great but I am getting to bed now in one piece.

Bliss
XX

Annie Liebowtiz - http://www.pbs.org/wnet/americanmasters/episodes/annie-leibovitz/photo-gallery/19/

Curious - just love the word

LL is chasing her tail here. Always makes me smile. It's damned cold. Low cloud, I wonder if the snow is making it's way here after all. I will take LL for a walk shortly but no more bravery, I really need to wrap up warm.
I hope it doesn't sow whilst I am out. I do not want to get stranded just as I did last year. And the snow is early this year. WOW!

Well JH and I spoke last evening. I could not wait any longer.
I read his Blog and the intrigue was cast ...... reading his thoughts and feeling my loss of our love I sent a message. Oh no actually I was talking with big HB. We were laughing and recounting tales from our days together in the past. It was lovely and funny too. We both learnt a lot about ourselves way back then but also she reminded me that I tried to kill myself. She was beside herself. We talked about the extent to which she went to try and find me after I disappeared out of hers and little HB's life.
I love little HB so much and of course big HB. Little HB has real difficulty over her father. Apparently she became distraught just recently when she thought she had lost my home phone number. It makes me feel special for a moment but I also become instantly aware that it is not me but a little girl who is already set on a path of fear of abandonment. With a mum who from time to time relapses and his chaotic - the inconsistency is the issue. I know big HB absolutely adores little HB and is such a fun mother - so creative. What a wonderful person big HB is ..... she is such a funny creator. She found a stray dog and called it Flea. So what with her other dog Duck, a rabbit called Stu, two cats and a snake - all in their little flat. big HB is a wonder that few others have encountered. I hope some day that she will be better known to the world.
She thinks the two of us could write our book and make a fortune. Just write about the occasions when we were out there together. Ha ha. It nearly killed me but bloody hell what a time.
I has spoken extensively with little HB just the evening before and we are arranging to meet in London to celebrate both big and little HB's birthdays. As a fairy Godmother I am useless. little HB's birthday is on the same day as my mum died so there is no bloody reason why I forget to do anything - I am very lazy about birthdays. Everyone's. Always have been. I used to really upset my mum when I forgot hers. She wouldn't even open the envelope if it arrived even one day later. That went for anyone's late arrivals actually. She could be a stubborn and cantankerous

Anyway, off the a story. I sent a Whatsapp earlier to see if there was a time to speak together that would suit both of us. When he responded I responded immediately. We entered into a little Whatsapp dialogue and then both thought we could talk now. Well once I had finished speaking with big HB, JH and I tried speaking on Skype but for some odd reason neither my mic or speakers worked. So we tried the landline but my handset battery was already worn down after a long, long talk with big HB. So then we managed to get Skype on iPhone. Marverllous piece of kit and iPhone. One expense I am pleased with.

I listened with interest as JH spoke about the things he has done. I can hear it's for himself. Massive potential for the freedom he has been looking for. He attended CoDA although I already knew this from reading his Blog. I wasn't clear on many things as he seemed to be speaing abstractly at times. Just vague remarks. I became confused really - Do have any right to want to know more. After all we finished the relationshio this week. If it were my friends yes I would ask them to clarify and be specific but I don;t knwo wat JH and I are.
He says he would like to remain as girlfriend and boyfriend - as a couple. I want that but am also scared to be. My heart has been really hurt. He says that he would like me to let bygones be bygones. But this recent past behaviour is there and has informed the way we have related with each other. It's not as if we are meeting for the first time and can talk about the past as being in the past. It is what I know of him.
I do believe I have been pretty consistent. I know that with my instinctive inquisitiveness about his behaviour I have not liked the way I was becoming. I knew even thoug I didn't know details. And it just seemed that the only way I could chekc that I wasn;t mad was to try and force it out of JH and then finally the most disgusting of all to be checking his emails. The snooping as Lace Foxglave was low but it got lower.
I do not want to be in a relationship where that is necessary. I do not like that in me. Having got that far it had to end. There was no trust whatsoever and it was completely founded.
Universe - please?

I have to go to get my hair cut and coloured.

Bliss
I

Posting every minutae at any opportunity

I hadn't realised  could access Blogger at work. I am sure I am not supposed to. But I am sitting here waiting for my client to arrive and every minute sitting still brings on feelings and thoughts.

It seems really silly now - I signed on and saw a new follower JH - and then discovered his Blog site. It just seems silly that really we are communicating through our Blogs. He is probably reading mine and now I am reading his. What is this now that's going on? What are we really achieving or aiming for between us?

As I drove in this morning I witnessed another, yes yet another beautiful sunrise. I took a picture - not a great encapture of the reality. It is surely impossible to capture the feeling I get with the sunrise each morning. Yesterday the colours were so so vibrant. Today all pastels and squiggles that caught the light in bizarre ways. These things I would like to share with someone. My friends, yes they are sort of interested. But someone who gets me and cherishes my quirks. I loved JH for him and his quirks.
I don't think he would have ever realised that I do not judge because I know when I got angry it sounded as if I did judge him. I constantly want to work on this so that even in the depth of troublesome emotions I can maintain my principles. I do not judge people for the ways they want to be. But if I don;t know the full facts of a way a person is, their behaviour, beliefs, attitude, motives, opinions etc. etc., then the dignity of choice is removed.
I have been wondering what happens next between us. JH tells me and writes about the changes he is making. I want to believe him. I kept believing him but really I knew my intuition told me otherwise.
I do not wish to be hurt anymore. All I can do is wait and see.
I have sent a message now via Whatsapp to enuire when he is might be available over the weekend if he still wishes for us to speak together. I have no idea what to expect from myself if and when we speak.
I truly hope JH is feeling good. I read that he has booked his tickets to America. It seems so easy for him to carry on without me. That hurts too.
I am damned well striggling.

Another person today cmmented on how well I suddenly look - smiling and calm. Another reminder of how I have invested time trying to work out what was going on, not wanting to believe it and trying to stop it from being so. And all along it is really up to JH. The truth was revealed just as JH kept saying. He says his eyes are open now. I wonder what he sees?

I have arranged some pleasant things with friends and also organised my hair cut and coour tomorrow. Doing something nice for myself. Every penny I had extra I was keeping for the trip to the US. Well now I can spend it on getting my hari done and having my car serviced. JH just didn;t know how much I invested myself and everything I did into our relaitnship. Everything I was dong was for the us part of him and I. I feel disappointed. It wasn;t worth it it seems.

I am rambling from topic to topic.

Today I had an interesting 1:1 with my cline.t He is questioning everything and wanting solid answers . He obstructs himself by being so rigid and closed minded. He is such a lovely guy and certainly wants something different in his life. Each time he comes along her just wants to argue about why this doesn;t work and nor does that. He has such a lot of anger and he seems to need to dump it on things that don;t seem to be working for him. They are ot working because the things he is angry with are not resolvable by AA but AA provides the outlet to make changes to oneself.
I said to JH the other day how strange I find it (without judgement) that so many people try to focus on living in tuen with the land but forget to get in tuen with oneself first. We are nature too not just the trees and the seasons. We have cycles and emotional responses and a whole macro world to first get in tune with. Follow the Universe. We are where we are today. We don;t need to ignore the current developments and technologies to be in sink with spirituality. This is how man has developed. That is spiritual surely and natural. We are evolving and surely we shouldn't deny that? Of course there are problems caused by developement or contributed to by change. But it doesn;t mean we are setting out to destroy on purpose.
What does seem so destructive to me is the non-acceptance of people as they are. So there are differences. That is surely manageable. We can live side by side and tolarate differences, even celebrate differences. It's possible to learn by the differences. But to war against differences. That is surely not a spiritual principle. I don't like that at all. I feel sad at the hatred that exists between people. I feel more at one with the Universe when I am accepting of people - I feel peace. Doesn;t mean I have to adopt their ways as the right way. So long as I am practiving my principles and those include not intentiaonally harming anyone along the way. I surely make mistakes - just look at the way things are right now. Ouch!!!

Well I am tired. It's very cold here. I hope the snow doesn;t make it's way here. I am snuggled up tonight though. Watching a movie ... Memento. I have always thought very highly of Guy Pearson. He looks incredibly thin in the film though.
Fascinating start. I thought I had seen it but can't remember a thing about - hahahahahahaha - only funny if you know the film I suppose.

I am surprised by the way how I have absolutely no interest for SecondLife. A good thing in my opinion.
I am letting go of wondering if JH has set up another avatar or using an older one. I consider all the things he can do to hide better but letting go. It's his business. I truly hope that I could believe and trust him. But then what for - we have no relationship. My heart truly feels very broken.

Bliss
XX

More thinking

Coming home I feel so empty. Coming home for the last 7 - 8 months has been an excitement to meet with my love JH. Now we don't meet. No wake up calls in the morning.
And then I also feel an anger. I am angry that actually all the passion I put into JH and I was somehow worthless. It was real from me but now seems as if it was worthless from him. He was involved with so many others!!
Gosh that hurts so much. I know he talked about in his mind he was with me - but the reality is something very different.
God I want to believe that he will be making changes and that because I love him I can work with him. I am toing and froing because the other part of me knows how hard it is to stay straight and narrow. How hard it is when feelings arise and temptation gains it's strength at these times. The Devil knows how to utilise moments of weakness. And JH is only just looking at this.
Part of me wonders if all this he has told me is also falsity. And I get scared to trust as I have put trust in only to become aware each time that my intuition is right.
I am glad to know that I can listen to my intuition and instincts. I am not crazy at all. ES got some relief I hope knowing that her intuition was right and she wasn't crazy.
JH is such a lovely man. A man I fell in love with apart from this other side of him. I want to be able to love and cherish all that is good and the other side to be managed. That's what I want.
I have had a life time of men that seem to get some kind of pay off taking women for a ride. I really believed that JH was different - so he wasn't open and wasn't honest. But I still want to believe that fundamentally he never meant to hurt me, and that really he did care.
I am not sure he knows actually if he loves or loved me. He seems so confused about many things. One minute he thought he needed to go and try once more with a new outlook with his wife. Then he realised later that wasn't what it was. He said he was in the wrong place but new it was right to do. So much confusion. And how can anyone so confused really know whether they are in love or not.
There are so many things for JH to explore with himself. I truly, truly hope he does.
I would love it if some time we can be together. But I also know with time I will heal and move on.
I will always be available to be a friend. I will not allow myself knowingly to be another ES, Mona, Marguerite, IL or any others that have existed.
I suspect that JH will meet with Mona after all or maybe another new one when he goes to America. I look forward to the moment when I can let go and it will no longer matter who he is with or not. Fuck it hurts so much.

Yet today I have had a sense of calm. I have had absolute clarity in my work. There has been some good therapy taking place today. Clients feeling so safe within their group, disclosures of releasing enormity. Shifts that are most unexpected. And I have felt at ease being me.
I realised whilst driving home that I have been so on edge for a number of months now. Trying to control what I instinctively knew was going on. Not free to be me and do my own things, needing to always be available for JH as if I wasn't he would use the time to be contacting one of the others. SHIT! It hurts hurts hurts to write that. I gave everything of me and he gave partially to me. I want to believe that it was in his denial of what he was truly doing. And I get annoyed with myself for not pulling away sooner. I kept saying to myself "if I learn of something else that will be it!" And then I learnt of something else and decided to believe and work with it. Each time. I so love him. He will never really know that I don't think. Or maybe there is a possibility if he really does get on the path of change.

PD commented on how different and serene I looked this morning. And I am in contact with friends and arranging things to do. I had not been doing any of this I realise trying to stay close to JH. Losing myself slightly and yet not as fully as I would have done in the past. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy my time with JH. Oh my gosh I really have enjoyed discussions and laughs and sex and closeness. It's juts fucking annoying that actually there was always something standing between us. I knew it but didn't know.

More to write .............

I love speaking with HB - she is such a vibrant person and doesn't even know it. And my little fairy Goddaughter. She is just a bundle of cuddle. And then ML. I have the most amazing people in my life. I consider myself incredibly fortunate. I still want JH in my life but not they way he has treated me. I do not blame him, I truly don't. And I even believe he really cares for me. I am not sure if I believe he loves me. I feel too hurt. That to me isn't loving. I think there is a complete denial of the reality which as a recovering addict I truly understand. I love him and could stand by him whilst he starts the work on himself. But I am not prepared to be in a relationship that is not monogamous.
Ew yuchy feeling. As I write that I have just returned to wondering who what he is doing???
Let go! We are not together. We are speaking at the weekend. I just got a sense that I am feeling as if we are still together and we are not. It hurts like hell. It hurts like hell to be without him and it hurts like hell that he has been so dishonest and deceitful - that's not loving behaviour
I will get over this. I do love him. I would support any changes but not with ongoing deceit. And that cannot take time to change it's now or never but then I am writing that again like we are in a relationship
Shit - too tired for all of this and need to sleep and stop the washing machine spinning.

I had a wonderful conversation with my cousins young daughter. 13years old. She is so interesting and interested and very loving. She seemed really excited that we were talking and it was such a grown up conversation. She is studying and presenting to her class on the subject of the Chinese one child policy. Gosh she was amazing in what she had learnt and so very grown up in her opinions. I mentioned to her Amnesty International and apparently she is now really keen to work towards a career somewhere in the line of humanity. How exciting!
And then speaking with HB - my fairy Goddaughter. And how loving she is. And then SW my other big fairy Goddaughter. I feel so blessed to have these young people in my love. All love and cuddles and innocent really. I am a very very blessed person in so many ways.
Thank you Universe for all the people and the experiences I have.
Please can you sort things out for JH and I. Whatever you think best really - Universe?????

I am going to sleep.
It's good to write.

Bliss
XX

It's the "things" you love most, Bliss, the "things" that are dearest to you, that you often allow to define who you are.
Which explains the sometimes insufferable pain caused by their loss.
A wholly avoidable pain.
Ahhh... so hey, now you know.
The Universe
 
Well even Jesus Christ had emotions didn't he? And the Dalai Llama has feelings - I think it's actually about acknowledging them and going through them rather than avoiding them. Avoiding sort of suggests to me not living. Avoiding life so as not to feel the pain of suffereing. But this also means not feeling the joys too. Disengaging.
To me all feelings are good - when acknowledged and observed. Acceptance is the key. Acceptance means processing and then being able to get to the other side of the feelings.
My problem is I want to bring an end to the feeling before it is ready. Suppress it. And usually the feelings I want to suppress are those that I find most difficult.
I am feeling the pain of missing JH. He didn;t define  me. But I like time wth him. I like sharing thoughts and ideas with him. Ah poo. Then I think well ha hasn;t really been available to do that with me - he has been only partially with me and paritally with many other women. Argh that hurts. And then I can feel the anger rise in me too.
 Went to sleep instead of writing on ................