Ouch

I received a text today from a friend who had cut contact some time around maybe October 2009. I can't remember the date exactly, it may have been eariler than that as I remember I was walking in Hen Wood when I received the text from her. I was pleased with the way I responded. I said "I respect your wishes. I bear no grudges and hope that friendship can overcome differences". Well today I received a text "Hi Pamela, I wondered if u would be prepared 2 meet up ion the not too distant future? I would appreciate it if we could 4 2 reasons. I would like to have the conversation we were 2 have and also to discuss Sankofa briefly. Hope ur OK. Love P...."
I haven't responded yet. In my hurt and anger about it all my initial thoughts weren't friendly. But I knew not to act on that. I was not entirely sure how I felt so I decided not to respond immediately whilst I assess how I feel and what I would like to do. This evening I think I will agree to meet and having chatted it through with a friend I would like to say something about the way I was feeling on receipt of the text and that I would happily hear her thoughts. The truth is that I really don't have any residual feelings from the day things seemed very weird. I think it would be hurtful to say that I had previously felt very overpowered by Paula and unable to say no to her on one occassion she asked if she could join in on an evenign I already had a few friends over. And then she couldn;t drive home and ended up staying to which I also felt I couldn't say no. This lack of being able to say no left me feeling overpowered by her and I was angry at her for it. In hindsight I would have said that she was welcome if she felt happy to drive home that night. And of course that would have been something I could learn from the situation. Instead I kept feeling cornered by Paula. I also felt that the way she described how people remove her power was accusational and eventually I just felt completely boxed in and didn't like how I thought I was being labelled. It was all too mixed up and for me all my codependency was being triggered. It's still not clear to me what happened. It would be nice to not have any hard feelings. I am also aware that she and Jenny have been developing their friendship and at the time of Paula's text I did feel it was very much in line with Jenny cutting contact with Melissa and I.
For obvious reasons I have changed the names of the people.
Anyway I sent a text to Melissa today saying that I had had the text. I did not hear from her but that didn't particualry worry me util this evening at the CoDA meeting. I mentioend the text to Melissa and she said that yes she wasn't surprised or soemthing along those lines and she thought it would happen. I said slightly disturbed soething back along the lines OH have you spoken with the person then about this? At which point Melissa said she didn't want to get involved. I felt stung! This was my friend and I wanted her to be on my side. I feel as if I am always in the wrong and everyone is ganging up on me - Jenny, Paula, Steven and now Melissa too. The feeing was huge, and I recognise now that it was far bigger than the situation demended. I am aware that it taps into my fears of myself that I am a bad perons and unlikeable. I want them to all know that I am not to blame and I am not trusting their reovery to knw this is about them and not about me. When my friend Lilly pointed out to me that's actually moer about how I feel about myself. I knwo she is right. I think I am to blame and a bad person and that noone likes me. Despite the fact I was bought a lovely meal this evening by Alice and Gill to celebrate the recent job offer. And Lilly listened to me despite being tired and Melissa has been supportive and caring towards me normally.
It hit my fear of abandonment which is evidence that I am a bad person and worthless. It hurts and I am terrified of it. Hence a big raction to Melissa not wanting to be my friend!!!! I respect fully her saying that she didn't want to be involved. It just aroused fears and suspicions that nasty things were said about me. Ugh it's all such hard work. I am paranoid. I am codependent. It matters so much what others think. And yet there I was just recently thinking that actually I am alright. It's very fragile and very breakable clearly. As if I didn't know that already!!!??
I think it might be possible to say someting to Melissa but not right now. I am not clear in what it is I need to say as I'm am feeling the feelings. It was good to speak with Lilly as she was rational and heard my feelings as well as rationalising what she heard through my ranting and blaming and confusion.
That helped to air the events as I perceived them. The first step in working through the feelings is to acknowledge them and usually that happens when I share the feelings. The healing has started.
It's so hard engagin with humnas. They are imperfect and so am I. I can be clumsy with my words and that can be hurtful - similarly I can be hurt by people practising their recovery from codependency and sometimes I hear it clumsily. That I can accept.
I can respect Melissa's statement to not want to be involved. I will send Paula a text to say ---- what? Or should I simply call and avoid any misunderstandings. I simply don't trust right now...
What will I say? Hello Paula. Thank you for your text and yes I would be happy to meet up. I have my diary here, perhaps we can arrange a date and place? Well I won't make the call tonight so hopefully thw rods will come to me for tomorrow.
I am avery sensitive person and easily hurt. In some ways I wouldn't have it any other way. Lilly pointed out to me that i have ssaid a few times recently "that's why I don't have friends" I hope that wasn't hurtful, it wasn't meant to be. Lilly is a great friend, I wouldn't want to hurt her. Having friends does mean allowing people in and that can also leave me vulnerable to some painful feelings as well as the joy of friendship and love.
I had a lovely meal with Alice and Gill. Alice and I had enjoyed a lovely walk earlier in very strong winds and rain, with LouLou and Molly moomoo (as I seem to call her). I had a nice afternoon and evening with them.
I witness how changeable my emotions are. One minute really happy and then whoosh, the next minute I can be lonely, afraid and hurt. And then again I can be happy in the very next minute.
I am pleased with several things. When I spoke with Lilly I didn't need to mention any names or even hint at who I was speaking about. I do not feel a need for food to fix all of this. I ate a lovely meal with plenty of food but did not over eat. Alice gave me the leftovers for tomorrow. In the past I would either get very drunk on something like this or/and would eat eat eat.
I think this evening I am feeling freedom from menopausal symptoms, not bodily swelling, no huge cravings for food and not heavy physically from the inside. My heart hurts a little still but the ache in my very core is subsiding. It seems to sweel with pain from deep within my gut - and the seems seperate from my heart.
As Lilly reminded me. It is all very exciting despite the heart ache and pain. This is another opportunity for growth.
I am going to bed. Later than I would have preferred with my essay needing writing. BUt hey ho. Lets hope for a better sleep than I would have if I hadn't written.
Night
x

Phew

Good morning
Well I have made an acceptable start on my essay. This seems to be a pattern 2 or 3 days trying to get started and then a day per section - intro which helps get me on my way. Although there is sugegstion that the intro is the last thing to be written. That was how I did my research report. Wrote the content of the report first. That madde sense to me.
Anyway yes - intro then another say for each key point int he main section and finally the conclusion. How the hell will I do an exam - 3 essays in 3 hours. The sample papers don't suggest a word count. I really need to keep the exam to the back of my mind. I can feel very dispondent about it and then think what's the point of the course as I will fail anyway with the exam. The exam coutns for 50% of the overall mark.
Yesterdays job offer news threw me. That contributed to me doing absolutely nothing worthwhile at all towards my essay. For the enxt essay - well it's another report of a qualitative research project I might be able to be off as it will be the last week at work. I can try and organise to utilise the last of my leave. I was thinking maybe I would take the money as I am so so so so so broke. Well what I mean by that is I haven't any spare money after paying the bills.
And then for the last essay TMA06 - blimey - well I will have to see what's going on at that time. I need a full week to do these flipping essays. Hence the OU schedule ina week for them!!! Doh!
Right that little distraction over - back to it. I think I might wash up first. Need a bath too. I stink!
At least this way it's a healthier distraction - yes I know I said I was off but .....
Before when I need a distraction from my frustration of not knowing what or how to do the next sentence, I would get up and snack. I am in recoery from my over eating now. Only day 2 after having extra handfuls of raisins whilst preparing my dinner. That was happening regularly so evnetually I was able tog et honest with myself and declare my 4 week abstinence broken and start again. This is a real break through. Before now I would have just discounted it and claimed to be in recovery or abstinence whichever word seems more appropriate at the time. But the little lie would keep me in denial and eventually I would be allowing a snack here and a snack there and before long over eating again. My abstinence is 3 meals a day nothing between. At this point I am not worrying too much about size or content of the meals. And that has helped so much.
Allowing myself sweet things again has removed the good food bad food thing for me. There are no foods that aren't allowed. All food is simply food. But I can have them only within a meal time.
I don't feel deprived. However, after a nice meal I do want more more more. And I have to really sit with that. I am not sure if it's food cravings or emotions or habitual. Maybe a little of all.
Anyway this blog is an alternative to snacking. Snacking was good int he sense that it was a quick sharp distraction, didn;t take me too far away from the procvessing of thoughts and the desk. Walking Loulou is good for more processing but takes me away and whe a good thought comes to mind I am not able to write it down and usually there are so many more thoughts along the walk that i forget really good and important things.
Washing up is OK, thinking space and local to the desk. But somehow it doesn't stimulate me.
This can take longer ...... ?
Right right right really am off to wash up or something ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I have started a sentence and don't know the direction or particular point I want to make. Actually I think I do know the point. The point is that Heider claimed that people search out causes to explain people's behaviour. His experiment with Simmel using cartoon shapes shows how people choose to explain the movements by giving them human traits and purpose. He went onto claim that people attribute behaviours to either internal or exteranl causes. And this has further been researched which adds weight to the concept because it seems valid people go on to enhance the study with further exploration - needs much better wording than that. If only I could bring in personal thoughts and experiences such as the way people tend to give human qualities to their pets - what do we trendily call that these days humanising objects and inhuman animals. I wonder how I could bring that in?????
Sorry blog for being so boring. This is unlikely to become a best seller huh? But secretly, I don't who it si a secret from, I want to be spotted and this be turned into a book. The workings of a brain trying to work!!!! Ha ha ha.
I heard of someone's blog being "spotted" and turned into a book. Why not. I am just not a writer. Language is basic and it's literally my thoughts as I think them. No great literary cntent or even intellectual greatness.
It is me though when I can drop the ego who is writing for my audience. Ha ha ha
Right right right I am off - see how easily distracted away I am from effort.
Byeee for now


How boring ths blog is ..............................................

Grrrrr

I just don't know what it is I want to say in this essay. It's the evaluation that is taking over. I need to describe the theories and the research. And then I can evaluate. But I don't know how to describe the theories first. It sounds so school age. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
It seems worse than any other essays or the research report. I think I had an idea of a direction before now but this time I am completely stuck. I just keep staring balnkly at the TV which I ahve to have quietly on in the background. I just can't study in complete silence. Apparently that is a dyslexic symptom. I have my assessment booked for 20 March but that will depend on the OU funding it as I couldn't afford it. £300!!!
Right back t the essay. If describe the theories I will be doing it in the same order as the text as it is developed in a lgical manner. Is there anything wrong with that. I can see the point.
Attribution theories have been developed as a way to understand how people make sense of other people's behaviours. That's it! That's my starting line.
Right - yep - done that now what. Added a biy about evloutionary psychology. Don't need to evaluate yet but need to come back to that point at some time. So now what. ... There are a number of different ways of understanding attribution theory. (this in itself raises a query for me) Attribution theory isn't just one sound theory there are a number of different ways of explaining attribution theory. Right off to add that now.
This is such a boring blog - it's just a place to try and sound out my thoughts. How weird. Why can't I do that on the actual draft???
Back shortly ....
Well haven't done much more - skype with M. I enjoy our chats in whatever format.
Wow wow wow. I have been offered the job at the P. I am so so pleased. I did feel good aftet the interview. I really did feel that I presented the best of me to the best of my ability. I asked for feedback from my interview and Peter said that they had been impressed with my enthusiasm and passion, my motivation and alertness and wanting to do the job.They were impressed with my work experience too both with the P, ANA and also the experience in a different field, i.e. Nexus and harm minimisation and how that's a new dynamic to bring to this position. P was pleased with my confidence on the days I worked with him and the feeback he received from team members. The way I was confident in group despite not having worked in group situations for a while. I was immediaetly able to reflect back. And also I was able to reflect back to him after the process group. His concern was my living location and the worry about my travel. He said they decided it was my responsibility but he is concerned he doesn't want tired staff. And by the end of the year I will be in a position to apply for accreditation as I will be receiving supervision and been working the required hours. The benefits are all in the work as the working days and week will be longer by 17 hours. Phew. The pay therefore is a lot more but on an hourly rate is only £1 more. Boo hoo. So my financial situation will not improve.
J very very kindly has offered to help with buying a new car and will also help selling my current car. For some reason that fills me with fear. Yes it makes sense to get a diesel car. But to get an older car just seems silly yet I can't afford to get a newer one. Well it would make sense to address that issue when this one has a new MOT which will be in June.
Oh they were also impressed at the questions I asked - I had done some research and also asked them what they liked about working for the P.
I have a new job.
P has called back and no they will definately not go up. He has gone at the top amount to offer me a job.
Oh now can I get on with my blinking essay.
I negotiated - that is big stuff! I wonder if I could call my dad and ask his advice about the car?
I wonder if he would lend me the money? No I wouldn't want to be beholden to him in that way.
Maybe it would be worth calling J B to ask what he thnks about getting a car? After all he is an expert in his field.... I want to arrange to go and visit him and Jan just to chat about my mum and have a coffee. He is a lovely lovely guy but mainly because he adored my mum so much.
I am bursting with excitement and fear. It's like an explosion in my stomach. I feel like I can't contain it. It feels childlike.
I have wanted this job for a while. I went for it before and wasn't ready. I am now very capable I believe. I am a good employee and have a far more rounded experience than when I started. I am so glad I have worked in harm reduction and have that lvel of experience to draw from as well as the more therapy based abstinence experience. Yippppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Right essay essay essay

Getting Started ha!

I had a dream that I was relief staff for the job that I wanted to get. I had had the interview and just waiting to hear. Then a job that I had done earlier in the year was seemingly going wrong. It had been handed over to one of the permanent staff and I wanted to tell the management blaming him. Anyway I didn't, I explained the problem and asked if there was anything that the compnay could do to rectify the situation. It meant paying for family insurance for the customer. It was a travel company. Ugh horrid memories of that business. There was a large room busy with travel agents chatting on the phone. And a seperate room for the admin. It reminded me of British Airways, when I worked for Sovereign and Enterprise Holidays when BA still owned them. Good experience. This is probably on my mind because Adrienne is coming over from OZ and we are meeting up fo the first time in about 36 years. Gosh!
I got up and LouLou was sitting at the top of the stiars. I guessed she needed to go out as a priority so I took her for a walk and all before breakfast. Feel controlled about that. I am in control of my food. I need to let go of that. I have had breakfast now. It was quite a large bowl of porridge.
This is boring. I'm off.

Still Sunday - essay procrastination

I have at least started on my essay - 1500 on the worthiness of attribition theories contributing to udnerstanding how we perceive and explain the world.
Oh actually just writing that has helped a little. This time the essay is not about detailing a particular theory or comparing anything - it's about evaluating. And the instructions say that this is what will eb required in the exam - 3 times - 3 blinking essays in 3 hours!!! Blimey. I just don't think I have the information embedded enough to evaluate anythign without a whole week to read and re-read and question and trial in various proofs. Stop worrying about the flipping exam, it's not until June - the 15th! Aaargh!!!!
Anyway I keep doing a little bit trying to assimilate the information so that I feel I have enough to start developing my argument and evaluation. I am not so confident this time with my understanding of the chapter. I have had a better understanding of others. ALTHOUGH ACTUALLY THINK THE UNDERSTANDING HAS DEVELOPED AS i'VE RESEARCHED AND WRITTEN THE ESSAY. mOST OF IT'S FORGOTTEN ALREADY.
Ooops must have clicked the caps lock. Sorry. Who am I saying sorry to.
I keep getting excited about the thought of having this pcyhological knowledge and teaming it with therapeutic work. Then I worry about the fnances. If offered the job will they offer a decent pay enabling me to take it? Will I be non-codependant to be able to negotiate money? I do think that under the financial circumstances, working 5 days might be a serious consideration now anyway. I just can't afford to live on the monthly income I have. There is literally no spare for haircuts or clothes or social time out. As for savings forget it! So 5 days might be an necessity anyway. Then I worry about being able to continue with my studies. At the moment I don't do anything after work as I feel too tired but because I have all day Friday it hasn't been so much of a problem. This then starts the washing machine effect - all this information and questioning starts tumbling around and around in my head and energizes into anxiety. Indecision and fear!!
I still haven't been offered a job yet so I really do need to keep bringing it back to that.
Rock Hudson really was an incredibly handsome man. And The Man Who Would be King is a film on this afternoon adapted from Rudyard Kipling's short story of the same name. Really and truly very little these days is original. I wonder where people like Kipling got his inspiration or was it a variation on something from way back then. When was the original thought of stories etc?
I love the ease with which I can look up inforamtion - the Internet. Wikipedia. This morning Iw as looking up Bentham - Jeremy. Philospher. Utilitarianism. Importance of action being wieghted by th outcome. In short - what did they say "the means to an end"? I think.
Maybe it's just that I am more interested in the world and so bother but it's definately more convenient with the internet and so I can be bothered. Or maybe it's all just distraction from my essay.
I have sent my usual after eating text. I have nice food and want more. I think even if I haven't had anything especially nice I want more. I just find it so so hard not to eat more. But so far have 4 weeks and 3 days abstinence apart from a few handfuls of sultana's whilst preparing meals oh and about 4 spoons of couscous last evening as preparing meal. Mind you I didn;t have lunch yesterday and so I was really hungry by dinner time and that's not a good way to approach a meal time. I can see the danger.
I did have a nice lunch today and more than enough to eat. I feel very satisfied in my tummy. Just wanting to taste things and of course I think the desire to eat is really triggered by the frustration I feel when attemtpting to get my ideas together and verbalised or writtenalised - (what's the term for that ?). I just seem to need other distractions at times to assimilate things. But I have a tendency not to return to it. At this stage of the preparation I am literally trying to get the ideas together but feel slow because I am not getting anything down on paper. Phew it's hard. I do need the whole week to do it as well I can.
Right I am going to walk LouLou although it feels too early to take her out. Hopefully i will come back and continue with my assimilation of knowledge. When does a memory become knowledge?

Waffle, waffle, waffle.

Bye

Dreams - It's Sunday!

I have woken up thinking it's Monday and even though have realised keep forgetting. I couldn;t work out why all the neighbours cars were still here even though it was just before 8am. I woke up thinking it was Monday and was lying in bed feeling guilty as I am signed off this week as well. Anyway I got up to have a wee and suddenly thought oh this is the day The P might let me know whether I have got the job or not.
I felt very good about how I presented myself. I had prepared well and was able to answer all their questions fully I felt. If they offer me the job I have to really consider the money as the journey is long and will be expensive fuel wise. Then what if they don't offer me the job. I felt so confident I hadn't truly considered how it would be if I don't get offered the job!!
Now I feel like I've gained a day but still can't get into the fact that it's Sunday.

More anxiety dreaming - not being able to move legs to get anywhere quickly. Needed to be running.
Previous to that though had a wonderful dream of being flown from a little airport to an office block, flying over a very futuristic built up city but not in the future. And there were loads of planets and moons that had moved in the earth's atmosphere all just floating around - all small planets and tiny moons. All beautiful colours. They were everywhere. And close, some leaning on roofs and gently bumped into some of the buildings. Different sizes.
It was amazing and some people hadn't noticed. I was disapppointed to have to land. Then I was in an office block and havibng to do some assessments of s small team - all women with one man boss. He was very tolerant but I was aware of my anxiety around him - how important it is not to piss men off with womenly type chit chat and wants and beliefs. I was annoyed with women for being womenly in attitude. OK to look womenly and sexy but not to have female attitude!
That's how it's actually been all my life. Always trying to dissassociate from girly stuff because my dad was so intolerant of it and pejorative attitude towards women being anything other than being quiet and having sex with. It has always seemed that he hated women, yet he hasn't been able to be without one or more at any time. It hurts as my mum was such a vibrant person and it has left me feeling worthless as a women. He told me that he hadn't wanted children at all but when my mum fell pregnant he wanted a boy and was very disappointed that I was a girl. Good start.
Yep I feel inadequate and worthless because I am a women.

I need to walk LouLou. I like having tis blog just to type out my thoughts and feelings. There is a problem. My journals have pages that I can just flick though and drop in and read a little on a page. I like the memory jogger. BUT with this blog I am not sure that I will do that. It just doesn't seem as accessible for that. But it's so much more accessible to just write wirite write.
I don;t hink I like the idea of people I know being able to access my inner thoguhts. Especially if ever want a moan about them. My journal is where I can be really frank. Wow how did it flip into Italics - looks good though.
Later

Saturday - what a week!

28th Feb 2009 23.35

Having kept a jounral for many years now I thought I'd have a go at this blog thing. I don't expect anyone to read it. So I'm not certain why I am doing this. This sounds an incredibly boring start to my blogs. Anyway it is my thought, honest and open!
As I travelled to my OA meeting this morning I was semi engaged with the radio broadcast. It led me to thinking how I have been for many years now defined by my tragedy. As a young girl I was attracted to tragedy. My heroines being Sylvia Plath, Marilyn Monroe and similar tragic characters. Somehow there was a mystic about them that I adored and wanted for myself.
This concept, this realisation is new and so still forming and therefore difficult for me to articulate fully at this time. Mind you by tomorrow I will be having a completely new realisation and no doiubt on a very different tangent - this one will be discarded for the new toy!
Howecer for today ..... being dramatic, craving tragedy has been a lifetime of existing. And then because it wasn't attractive or rather what was going on in my family needed ot be "kept within these four walls", I think this is why I found ways to curb my desire for tragedy. I wonder if tragedy was my way of crying out to be noticed - "here, this is me!!!". Anyway, I discovered boys and hedonism. It was a sort of way of rebelling. At the time I was rebellious in a good two shoes kind of a way. I didn't really want to get caught so it was all out of sight of authority, my dad. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, as time went on the only way I could be hedonisitc or rather partying and out there in an extrovert sort of way was to be drunk and later drugs. These blocked my need for tragedy, I just wanted fun, fun, fun.
Phew I got it. It's been a pretty full life and experiences I hadn't thought I had wanted when I was little and wanting to be a ......... do you know I can't remember ever wanting to be an anything in particular????
Anyway I will leave this realisation room for development. Tragedy being a way of defining me, the only way for there to be any depth to me. So many external things define me. I like it though when I am just me - whoever and however that is??
I also want to claim my love for satirical comedy. Not that I am up to date on current affairs. I often get up to date through satirical shows such as The News Quiz today on Radio 4 hosted by Sandi Toksvig today. Funny little things these clever people say. I just like they way they think and I laugh out loud all on my own. I am looking forward to the return of I Haven't a Clue.
I really get to feel happy after caffeine. I think I need to knock it on the head - yet again! It works rapidly and I get a real high and ever so ever so chatty. It's like being on cocaine.

My mood is low in the monrings at the moment. I dreamt last night yet another anxiety dream. I was at the airport terminal (one) I think but it was circular and a lot of glass. I could see where I needed to get to but just couldn;t move quick enogh. It's the second similar dream, the last one also involving an airport and being alte for the plane but not being able to run fast enough - terminal 3 that time and Air India. Virgin Atlantic this time. I also dreamt that I met Mick (first husband), second time of dreaming about getting together with him. Last time he turned out to be a heroin addict and I wanted to be injected to. I watched him inject his groin. This time he turned out to be a gambler. I was aware of being really upset and disappointed and not knowing hoe to get out of it this time. Dreams mean a lot but usually I get the message a while afterwards. I think the anxiety dreams are really indicative of what's driving my low mood. And the Mick dreams are seeming to tell me I am not ready yet - still picking people that are not healthy for me. Drawn to that dysfunction to use a trendy word.

What else can I write about this dreadful week- actually couple of weeks. My car breaking down and costing a small fortune relatively speaking. Being told I may have had a stroke after a serious migraine. Visitng the stroke clinic and various eye tests - spending more money out on new glasses! Then an interview at the P and a lot of indecision being arunsed and I havent't been offerd a job - yet!! I will be so disappointed and rejected if they don't but then if the money isn't right I can't afford to take it despite thinking the work will be appropriate for me and lots of other benefits to me.

And I am behind on my studies that causes me anxiety
Oh and the bloody male-Irish-dog or menopause!!! On and off with the symptoms. I can safely say I am not enjoying one little bit the process of ageing. Grrrrrrrrr.

Yep this week has been troublesome for me and is the week following the troublesome week before. Trying to find some gratitude and can when I have had caffeine! he he he he

I am not certain how often I will write on this blog. Hope I can remember the address - no idea how to get back to add to it.
LouLou seems to be aching more since stopping the Metacam. I think I need to return to the vets and discuss this with them. I am jst worried that the medication wil have other effects on organs and things. I really can't abide the idea of being without her and I don't want her to be getting older or in pain. Ageist - I am one. Not proud of this fact and have to work hard not to act on my ageism. Ageist against myself too.

Anyway I am going to bed now to hopefully be bright enought o start essay planning tomorrow.
No bell ringing tomorrow - church still closed.