Frazzling nerves and endings

4 am. Bloody hell! A tummy ache, dizziness and nerve frazzles. That's the only way I know ow to describe them. I have been wondering if it's another hormonal "phase". I've had backache for 2 weeks now. All the de-stressing hasn't made it go away. Pilates seems to help a little but it's still there niggling away. And I was really, really sweaty with damp patches showing on my dress yesterday. Now albeit the day was extremely humid and probably even the newer, thinner, fitter, full of healthy foods me wouldn't avoid a glow. But somehow I have a real sense that there is another hormonal manoeuvre going on.
I didn't even want to go for a wee as is the usual these days. Gosh! How I used to vaguely listen to the elders talking about these sort of things. I know it was real for them but I never imagined it was real for women in general. But here it is a part of my reality now. Fuzzy eyesight and fuzzying even more, especially in these hormonal manoeuvres, not able to sleep through until I'm supposed to wake up, aches and pains that don't go away, headaches, and a sort of irritability.
And I had a dream about G. I think about him a lot. Friends might worry that this is me thinking of getting together with him again. That I am most certainly not thinking. I have no desire nor intention. But I can't seem to get him right away from me. After the last contact I created; I sent an email from Peda. It was a link to Mumford & Sons Sigh No More, together with the lyrics.
"Sigh No More"

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

 

 

Having sent it I then did check a few times to see if he'd responded and when he didn't I left it. part of me really didn't want to send it. I knew as I did that it was not a good thing to have done. However, a week later maybe I received a text from hims asking it had been me that sent it. I left responding for a few days and then owned it. I said yes it was me and had been silly of me to send it from a friends email. I said I thought if he hadn't heard Mumford & Sons he might like them. Then I finished it saying I hope you're well.

Last Sunday I received a text in the morning asking what I was up to that day. I left it all day and responded saying I had been studying all day and was going to sleep now. I didn't and don't want to meet up with him.

I realised that the friendship I want to maintain is actually a desire for there to be no hard feelings. And that is out of my control and any attempts to try and make that the case are potential to cause more bad feeling. So it's better that time passes and then maybe someday we can be friendly. I think G is a remarkable man. Incredibly intelligent and bright. A memory for information that is so interesting. He has a passion in him that shows through in certain ways. He is caring and considerate in his way. I will always honour that in my heart but together it just didn't work.

I wonder why I can't clear G from my thoughts and dreams though. It's not a longing or anything simply he's there.

I wrote this morning that this is probably a part of the grieving process. Despite not wanting the relationship and being relieved that it's over there is still a part of him that will forever be in my heart and I miss the nice things and good times. I think too there is a similarity with my father. I am relieved that the relationship has ended. I couldn't make that ending whilst he was alive. I was hanging on and hanging on just in case something worked out. It never did. Right up to the end he was cutting and critical of me. That hurts less as I write it now but has been a point of real pain before now. I do miss the opportunity to have contact with him and put right some of the things of the past I know I did badly; the irresponsibility, the debts, the self-centred desire for hedonism. There were times when it was okay between my dad and I and it was those times that I clung onto in the hope that we could have the father/daughter relationship I wanted to have with him. I don;t think either of were capable. I feel sad about that. I grieve the relationship we didn't have as some say. For whatever reason it was not compatible between my father and I. I feel a concern that I am the common denominator in the many many failed relationship with men. My concern that it is not possible for the future either. But I also think that the people I've been attracted to have been incompatible and that draw has been looking for the wrong things plus not being able to like myself and look for things that I deserve

Meeting with SH and her husband today, I felt so sad for her. She sat there being criticised by her husband. He spent the entire time running her down to me as if he was the hard done by one. I thoguht SH looked so hurt and her voice was so quiet. And I know that she is used to that really. Her father was never complimentary, instead putting her down even comparing her unfavourably with the others showing his favouritism for TH and the youngest who died from a heroin overdose. How tragically sad. These put downs from childhood that influence how we feel about ourselves and in turn meaning that we continue to accept that as the norm and right yet knowing it's not true too. So confusing. Well I may be projecting myself onto SH but she did go quiet and he was relentless in a sort of jokey way, but horribly sneering and self-righteous manner.

His little boy listening is being given such a bad example and he was even implicated in it. How manipulative of L. He referred to the presents the little boy had bought SH that she had disregarded in some way or lost. How fucking mean of L.

Anyhow. I relate. And the influences from my childhood I feel sure have influenced what I have thought I wanted and needed. I do not want nor need that anymore and in beginning to like myself more I am less willing to accept what for me are crumbs. I'm not saying they are crumbs merely that for me they are.

I want to be cherished and respected. I want someone who is self respecting too and feels comfortable. Someone who is thoughtful and kind. Someone who is generous of heart, loyal and decent. Someone with humour not sarcasm nor mocking. Someone who has opinions and thought but not opinionated or closed-minded. I'd like to meet someone who is gentle and who is available emotionally, mentally and physically. Someone who puts importance of dignity both giving and being. A person who has interests that can be shared and is willing to share interests. Who is friendly and sociable, open and interested in people. Who has dealt with issues of anger and who is willing to continue working on themselves and togetherness. Someone who respects my space and has respect for their own space. Someone who is measured and balanced - at least working on it. Spirituality would be a big part to share between us - thinks such as meditation and exploration and adventure. Honest and open. Someone who turns away from temptation of women. I'd like him to be good looking and charming too but not flirtatious or beguiling except with me. Fun and creative, spirited and homely too but with a sense of the bigger world and a curiosity about cultures and everything else that is out there to discover. Musical, arty, a little fey. Willing to develop intimacy and enjoy sexual intimacy. About 6 foot something with a smile that warms my heart and smiles in his eyes. A twinkle in them just for me and one that I can reflect back just for him. Someone non-judgemental and accepting. Slim and health conscious but not obsessed. A sense of the other and willing to be playful with these things and generally playful but not childish. Responsible, accountable, flexible, dependable. Money would be nice to have.

HP please can you bring us together? If you think this is the right path for me I believe you will have already got us on the path to meet.

 

Bliss

xx