Cyprian Norwid

The Larva
Cyprian Kamil Norwid

1 On the slippery London pavement In a white sublunary fog Many a person passes you, But, appalled, you single her out. 2 Is her forehead in thorns, or dirt? That's impossible to discern; Are whispers of Heaven's wonder On her lips . . . ? or a godless froth . . . ! 3 You might say that in the mud a Book of the Bible is reeling, Which no one reaches for these days, It's no time to think of virtue! . . .

4 Despair and money -- these two words -- Flash upon the scales of her eyes. Whence comes she? . . . She keeps the secret; Where goes she? . . . doubtless to a void. 5 Humanity is like that shrew Who weeps today and derides; -- What of history? . . . she knows only: "of blood! . . . " What of community? . . . just: "of money! . . ."

-translated by Walter Whipple  

Well! This really impacted me. I stumbled across Cyprian Norwid as a result of reading about Andrei Tarkovsy. I am evidently under educated. I blame the terrible school I went to and take absolutely no responsibility for my lack of application or interest in anything but hedonism.

I digress.

I love the word sublunary. I've never heard that word. Tonight in the sublunary village in amidst the downs, I sit and look up at the glistening Jupiter and Venus. Brightly looking down on me.

So this poem what is it telling me? Ugly, ugly materialism bringing with it despair and loss of faith. That's what this tells me. Is this what he witnessed of London. Streets lined with gold and despair? And no one cares about the lady tramp, starving, freezing, despairing. No sense of community at all - money and materialism are the God.

Yuch!

Mother Tongue Cyprian Kamil Norwid

"Let's first be a thunderbolt rather than a thunderclap: For wild horses thunder and whinny; First d e e d s !     - and words? and thoughts?...     - later!... The enemy has corrupted our mother tongue -- --" Energumen shouted at Lirnik And pounded his shield until it bent out of shape. Lirnik replied: "Not sword, not shield -- defend our Language, But --- masterpieces!" -translated by Walter Whipple Enurgumen apparently is a person possessed by an evil spirit or ghost. And Lirnik is a Russioan travelling Lyricist or poet. How romantic. There is something quirky about this poem don't you think/ What does it mean to me. It's strange that the evil spirited person shouts at the lyricist in blame. Actually not so odd as I write that. He blames whilst the lyricist speaks of something wonderful being the saviour. I wonder why he was writing about language being destroyed. I wonder what had prompted this in him? He will have been witnessing what many people compain about now, the ever changing use of language. However, I tend to agree that the masterpieces retain something special, never to be lost. And each language version has it's masterpieces. Nothing stays the same you see, nothing at all. MY SONG (II) Cyprian Kamil Norwid For that land where a scrap of bread is picked up From the ground out of reverence For Heaven's gifts... I am homesick, Lord!... For the land where it's a great travesty To harm a stork's nest in a pear tree, For storks serve us all... I am homesick, Lord!... For the land where we greet each other In the ancient Christian custom: "May Christ's name be praised!" I am homesick, Lord!... I long still for yet another thing, likewise innocent, For I no longer know where to find My abode... I am homesick, Lord! For worrying-not and thinking-not, For those whose yes means yes --- and no means no --- Without shades of grey... I am homesick, Lord! I long for that distant place, where someone cares for me! It must be thus, though my friendship Will never come to pass!... I am homesick, Lord! -translated by Walter WhipplePhew - either he sees all of this lacing in the place where he is but for me it is that hope to be where these values he is missing are very day. I don't think it is a place specifically, I think it is within. Thank goodness for the knowing of it, now it's just about putting in the effort to start on the path towards it. Spiritual principles. Cyprian seems to have been a man with spiritual princile and tortured by the everyday lack of them. Longing for something different, he has quite a gloomy outlook on what is. Was he depressed? Was he saddened by what he saw in the world? His poems suggest that to me? TO CITIZEN JOHN BROWN (From a letter written to America: November, 1859) Cyprian Kamil Norwid Across the Ocean's rolling expanse I send you a song, as it were a seagull, oh John!... Its flight will be long to the Land Of the Free -- for it's now doubtful whether it will arrive... -- Or whether, as a ray from your noble grey hair, White -- on an empty scaffold alights: That your hangman's son with child's hand May cast stones at the guest seagull. * Then the ropes will tell whether Your bare neck is unyielding; Then you will try the ground under your heels, That you may kick away this debased planet -- And the dirt from beneath your feet, as a frightened reptile Vanishes --      Then will they utter: "Hanged..." -- They will speak and wonder among themselves, could this be a lie? Then, before they place the hat on your face, That America, having recognized her son, Will not shout at her twelve stars: "Extinguish the feigned fires of my crown, Night falls -- a black night with the face of a Negro!" * Then, before Kosciuszko's phantom and Washington's Quake -- accept the beginning of the song, oh John... For while the song matures, sometimes a man will die, But before the song dies, a nation will first arise. -translated by Walter Whipple What do you think? Realy a man about o be hanged? Or an analogy for something else? Kosciuszko was an iconic figure for the Polish. He fought against Imperial Russia and also fought in America. Of course Washington, the first President of the United States, another pioneer fighting for rights. So perhaps I read into it that one has to stand in the line of peril and stick up for one's beliefs regardless of the cost. For istance the man could be hanged by the people even though actually he was just standing for what he believed in. Is the people though that want him hanged? No it is the greater power, the leaders, getting rid of the rebels, the trouble makers. Back to the beginning of the song, where John is offered freedom. Not fear or dread, but to know that he stood up for his beliefs and is a free man regardless of the outcome. Oh and stands beside worlds great freedom fighters. Kosciuszko and Washington. What Did You Do to Athens, Socrates?Cyprian Kamil Norwid What did you do to Athens, Socrates, That the people erected a golden statue to you, Having first poisoned you? What did you do to Italy, Alighieri, That the insincere people built two graves for you, Having first driven you out? What did you do to Europe, Columbus, That they dug you three graves in three places Having first shackled you? What did you do to your people, Camoens, That the sexton had to cover your grave twice, After you had starved? What in the world are you guilty of, Kosciuszko, That two stones in two places bear down on you, Having first had no burial place? What did you do to the world, Napoleon, That you were confined to two graves after your demise, Having first been confined? What did you do to the people, Mickiewicz? -translated by Walter Whipple Who is Mickiewicz? Obviously someone else shamed by a place or nation. But this one has no posthumous shining glory! Of course each of the others was banished in one way or another only to be revered later on. Quite a collection of the English versions of poems I can locate. Bliss xx

My heart and conscience wants world unity and altruism and abundance for everyone, meaning sharing out and equality. Yet my subconscious self gain and there is competitiveness there too and share but keep more back for me. I want less to pay out and more to come in and self improvement.
What is all of this? ow do I know what I truly want?

Andrei Tarkovsky brought these thoughts forth in me. I know little about him and yet it seems he is classic in film making. I must read more. History of these things fascinates me. We are the legacy of the past.



Ah ha - considered a leader and master of his time. Yes I see how there is a certain mystique and timelessness about the film I'm watching - The Stalker. So far of what I've seen it's quite straightforward and yet also lots unsaid or unanswered. I have no idea about these men and their past just a sense of quest and desire for something maybe better or more fulfilling. Yet the Stalker himself is all knowing of the place. Why doesn't he stay there? Is it guilt that keeps him returning or knowledge that actually there is nothing there for him.
Of course the story is not Tarkovsky's not even the screen writing. But his directive interpretation is interesting and of course aged with time. The chase by the military seems feeble but maybe also because no one dare chase them in the Zone. And the wonderment of colour suddenly appearing. In commentary I read there was attention to the fact that Tarkovsky has a long 7 minute seen of the three men travelling silently other than the sounds of the rail trolley. Rhythmic music adding to the scene. It wasn't that long in the version I'm watching. But the wonder of colour and trees whereas before it's all run down buildings, grey and metallic noises is a stark contrast of something better beyond those fences and guarded gates.
Definitely atmospheric despite it's datedness. I will watch Nostalgia which was the recommendation in the first place. I'm hoping the version I have is compete with subtitles.

Everything is constantly in flux .....

When you feel happy, Bliss, really happy, it somehow seems that you've always been happy and that you'll always be happy.
The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared.
Something, perhaps, to remember.
ILY,
    The Universe

And today I do feel happy. I noticed yesterday I felt content with where I live, I felt content being by myself, I felt content with the weather (relieved to see some rain and intrigued by the snow and the icy temperature), I felt faith and trust in everything, I felt OK about being slow and stuck with my studying. I felt content.
And I actually noticed all of this this morning. Nothing was troubling me ,everything was OK and I could easily verbalise that I feel happy.
I am aware that it can pass and I am happy about that too as I feel utter trust. As the Universe says, each feeling will pass. Everything is changing, the moon, the stars, glass, buildings, Earth, people. Nothing in this Universe stays the same.

Talking of Universe, I saw mars this morning. Bright and right in front of me as I sat in quiet time. Not bright white like most stars. I've had a sense that there are planets in the night sky. I hadn't appreciated Mars could be seen at sunrise I must admit. And as I checked, I was right. Not only is Mars visible, and incidentally the closes to Earth it's been in a long time, but also Jupiter, Venus and Mercury. Later this month Saturn will be visible too. I find it magical, mystical and glorious. I can hear their silent movement around us. I can hear the Universe shifting and our planet circling and twisting in it's orbit. That probably sounds crazy but when I'm engaged I really am. I feel filled with life and energy and a part of.
It would be lovely if I could feel this all the time but at the same time I realise that to really feel this properly I need to not feel it at times too. It then is able to fill me. And I can draw on these times to give me the energy to get through the difficult times.
I still have the thought that I welcome death but not wishing for death and there is a difference.
I have a deep melancholy but it's a sort of knowingness that never needs to go away so long as I "live" each day.








This is approx 12th March 2012

How lucky I am to have noticed Mars this morning and thank goodness for the Internet and this website
http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/visible-planets-tonight-mars-jupiter-venus-saturn-mercury

Bliss
XX

O man take a pause - the fog is lifting

My friend wrote to me explaining how she was feeling and this is what I wrote back but decided not to send. I thought I was almost being prescriptive and whingeing on about me rather than listening to her.

It sounds so much like menopausal symptoms when you describe your periods - as you know I truly have had some tricky times. All I know is that I needed to talk about it and receive understanding as it felt scary, I have been overwhelmed with a sense of change and loss, and at times been utterly irrational and changeable in my mood. I have needed reassurance.

As always if you need a listening ear I can listen. I truly think my symptoms have reduced recently although notice a thick head and loss of words still. I think the sense of loss and fear about feeling older is also less. I'm more acceptant of the changes even though I have moments still of battling.

There has only been one way through it and that's head first.

Am I right in thinking you believe also that some of your symptoms are hormonal menopausal?

I absolutely am convinced that all the shifts contributed and magnified mental health problems - I oscillated from highs to lows much quicker than I am now and they were much more extreme than recently. My appetite, oh my gosh I've never craved food like it before and I've been a foody since very young.

Often I had a sort of detachment and with it  just could not make sense of much at all.

Not to mention aches and pains and complete energy drains.

I am definitely starting to pull through these symptoms now if that gives any hope at all.

Many many times I just could not see a point in living if this was going to be it! I didn't think I'd ever pull through it you see.

I was so so scared sometimes it felt too much to endure but thankfully I learnt with Stuart and oddly enough through my studies of psychosocial identity about stages of age change and reconciling the shift into a different stage. I didn't want to accept the changes as it felt like giving up. Funny thing is as the hormones are settling down again recently I feel more energised again and less decrepit.

People kept telling me that it would pass at some point but it all felt endless and I felt very alone with it all. I wanted others to talk to who would know what I was going through and understand. But so few people talk openly about the complexities and what seem endless problems.

I was in a fog for several years but think I am stepping through it thank goodness. It does pass even though I thought it was never going to.


And on the subject of friendship and my insecurity ...............

Good afternoon M
Just preparing my lunch and taking a break from my research for my assignment. I've not put any thoughts down in writing yet as I'm still researching yet should be at least half way through first draft according to schedule. Poop! I may already need an extension which disturbs me greatly considering the vast study loads this year. "I NEED MORE TIME", she shouted confused and dismayed.

I was thinking in bed last night about the feeling told off if spending time with other people and befuddled you are about this. Me too but getting some clarity perhaps. I'm completely aware it's my issue, so I hope you don't think I'm apportioning any blame with you.
I realised the feelings came over me yesterday amongst our emailing. I went through our emails rereading them to see what it was and I think it was with reference to this part of your email which I have copied and pasted and italicised to make differentiating simpler.

"I think may be you are living what I have always described as a reality for me - out of sight out of mind - that does not mean I care any less, as you are often in my mind, but you are probably 'closer' to those you speak to more or spend time with - which is how it is, well for me anyway, the people you see become like close (may be even family ??) . I think it would be weird if it wasn't like that. that is why we choose to spend time with people and it feels weird if I choose to spend time with people that I don't want to - like I don't know, an example - G, I decided not to spend time with her as the friendship was not working for me - I don't dislike her but I don't feel as much ease. I am not good with groups - never have been, but especially at mo, but then sometimes I am - it is very weird and it really depends who it is
With you and V and R I feel at ease with when I am with - yet if not with of course the closeness dissipates - well for me anyway - it doesn't mean it doesn't come back almost instantly with contact and seeing one another."

I was confused when you said - I am living what you've described as the reality for you - and then added that's how it is for you. You are not out of my mind on any day at all. I read that as it is me that is doing something that means I'm out of sight out of mind. Is it something I'm doing? If it's about spending time together isn't that both of us?
I'm not a good organiser that's for sure. And I always think you are a very good organiser. I think and correct me if I'm wrong you don't want to be the organiser all the time. And I can understand that so I take responsibility for not being good and therefore my part in less time together recently.
I'm also aware as I said before that I am exhausted after lengthy days with work and travel so midweek it's work, 1:1's after work, meetings and catching up with people en route i.e. AM and AB. And weekends are once again supposedly study time although once per month I am going to London for FA and taking in a gallery afterwards. If ever you feel like meeting me after the meeting I would love that. I think when I asked last you were hectic with your studies.
Talking of which I have just confirmed that I will go to FA on Sat 10th March and afterwards plan to see Picasso exhibition at Tate Britain. Annie is free and is going up earlier in the day to see the Lucien Freud exhibition. Would you be free to meet after my meeting, about 15:00, and go on to see the Picasso exhibition? It would be lovely if you could.

What I interpret when you comment on me spending time with others and that they are then close to me, is that you think I am excluding you somehow. Which of course is not the case at all. Is that what you think or all in my head? I think I marry this with occasions in the past when I have felt excluded with others doing things together without me. Am I right in thinking that there have been similar occasions in the past that have affected you too? I sense that you are affected by these sorts of things and withdraw from those people. I'm scared you'll be less friendly or withdraw from me.
So when I read the above section of your email, I felt that fear. I hope you'll understand that I'm not saying that's how it is necessarily, only you can tell me how it actually is for you, but that's what I fear.
So when I read your email saying that for you when people are out of sight then you are not as close, it scares me. As that is not the case for me. I am close with some people whether I am in regular contact or not. And by close I mean that I consider them my very good and best friends and that includes you. I used to think I had to be BEST friends with a particular friend to keep them but now I realise I can a number of best friends. Over longer periods of time then this dwindles with some people I am aware. As closeness in friendship I believe needs to be nurtured and requires effort but then there are some friends who when I met up with despite time and distance it's just the same as ever and I hold them in my heart the same as ever.

And then of course it depends what you and I mean by closeness. Close in proximity is obvious and for some reason it feels as if we are further apart in that way and yet in all probability we are either nearer or at least the same distance apart as before. I think my working in Woking area makes it feel further away.

But in metaphysical terms (for want of a better word), I feel as close as ever. You know a lot about me, probably more than anyone else, through our history and supporting me through situations or events and being alongside my changing (hopefully) self. I feel at ease in your company even if there are differences of opinion. I learn through you on all sorts of levels. I laugh with you, I discuss with you, I debate ideas with you, I value your thoughts and opinions even when I don't like what I'm hearing because it's challenging my desires, especially when they are not the healthiest of choices.
Sometimes I feel scared of judgement and that inhibits me at times. I need to listen to that fear - sometimes it will be unjust fear of judgement and my codependance. I need to be able to have the worth to just be myself and that is ongong work for me. Other times it'll be because something I'm doing or being is inappropriate and I know you'll comment. I am working on changing this little by little. I am more practised at ducking and diving, it's been a survival technique that has become skewed and destructive over the many years.
I hope you and other friends can forgive me this. It's a work in progress and certainly not perfection.
I have to trust that people who like and love me will stick around despite my shortcomings so long as I'm trying to change. I also am aware that people get on and off the bus.
My hope is that you and I will be friends eternally - this and the next life whatever form that takes if it has a form at all. That's how important you are to me.
And there are times when I really, really miss you and other times I just know you are there. We've had some incredible times together. I don't mean mini adventures necessarily, I mean just living. And that makes me smile. I wouldn't want to lose that if at all possible.

I also get concerned coz I know there are times when you don't want to mix with people at all. You are one of the few people that even when I am my lowest I can sit and enjoy being with you, whether I feel slobbish or not. I'm not sure that it is the same the other way around. But would hope that you know I could be.

Anyway the crux of the matter for me is the fear of being abandoned. I just have to trust that our friendship is real and that means abandonment is unlikely. But then again trust that if for any reason you decided to be absent for any reason that is OK too. I don't like the idea of the latter and would prefer to trust that our friendship is deep regardless of where or what we are doing. Some friendships in my experience can be as strong across distance and time and that is what I have with you. I guess I don't feel as safe with that from you when I read that closeness is less when not so much together. That's my fear I suppose, and I practice accepting that just as it is but remain me anyway. My tendency would be to then defend myself from being hurt and withdraw. Or demand assurances. But I do neither today and simply accept (fears ebb and fall so I need to practice consistency regardless of the ever changing feelings).

I am aware that I feel particularly vulnerable right now and that probably means that everything suddenly feels vulnerable. I am looking for reassurance I suppose and need to get that from myself and my sense of the Universe. Things are as they are and I'm OK and so is everything. Total acceptance and trust. Then all the insecurities just slde away.

Right I've had lunch and feel very sleepy indeed. I think I may take a short nap before re-starting my research. I'm not getting very far very quickly.
It's quite a dry assignment - comparing and contrasting but the exciting bit is saying how far the theories really go to answering questions about attention.
Cognitive psychology is interesting but also not - I can see why the application of cognitive psychology as a therapy feels so dry to me too.

I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this and I also hope that nothing I say is offensive, that's absolutely not my intention. I have written off the cuff, there was some preemptive thinking and I'm sure my realisations will evolve from this point and my fears alter and disappear with time too. I guess this is more adjustment to change which I don't deal well with until I start acknowledging it all.

Thanks for reading all of this - if you've got this far ......


--

Bliss

XX

Wear things lightly .... let go

I was sent this today and how relevant it was with the controlling me .......

EMBRACING      THE GOOD...
      LETTING GO OF THE BAD
      by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.
It is a strange fact of life that we let little - very little -      things take away our precious peace of mind. How silly is that? In his      wonderful book, Joy      Is My Compass, Alan Cohen describes his great moment of      awakening when it came to letting go of trivial things in his life that      tend to drive him crazy. This moment didn't come upon him on the top of a      great mountain or at the edge of a vast ocean. No, his moment of      awakening came to him at McDonald's! (There are many paths to awakening!)
He reports that from the minute he walked into McDonald's for a      quick lunch, he was miserable. He remembered someone telling him there      was sugar in the French fries. He imagined the presence of preservatives      in the apple pie. He lamented the preponderance of noisy kids disturbing      the whole environment, and on and on and on. He vowed he would never      return. But, then, as he sat there in what he called "the smog of my      own thoughts," the voice from his Higher Self came through loud and      clear. It asked him a profound question that made all the difference...

"What if this were all      alright?"
He gasped, "What do you mean...alright?!? This is      terrible!" His Higher Self answered...

"What if nothing around      you holds any power to make you unhappy?"
What a concept! What a breakthrough! All of a sudden, Alan Cohen      saw everything with new eyes. He looked at the boisterous kids and      decided their laughter and shouts reflected their joy. What's wrong with      a little joy in the middle of the afternoon? He decided a little sugar      and preservatives wasn't going to affect his ability to love. He decided      that everything that was previously annoying him was totally alright. He      said...

"Something happened to      me when I let it all be OK. I felt relief. My heart opened. I was at      peace. I had found the answer to being there. I had found the answer to      all of life. Just let it be."
With this realization, he got in line for some more French fries      and apple pie, which, he concluded, was what they serve in heaven! And he      basked in the wonder of letting it all be alright.
After I read Alan Cohen's story, I thought about all the little      things in my life that I was constantly obsessing about...getting the      right table in the restaurant, the weather, the stock market, the      traffic, points of view that were different from mine, other people's      behavior, getting everywhere on time. And so on. What a struggle!
What if any table I got was OK? What if the weather was perfect      exactly as it was? What if the delays in traffic were just part of the      scene? What if other people's opinion had nothing to do with my      happiness? What if life would go on joyfully even if I arrived at an      appointment a little bit late? What if all that little stuff was OK? What      a freedom! Then I would be "wearing the world just as a loose      garment" instead of struggling to make it all different than it is.
So much of our struggle with life has to do primarily with minor      things in life. The big things often pull forward an incredible sense of      power and inner knowing. I had breast cancer many years ago and I handled      it beautifully. I made it a triumph instead of a tragedy. By way of      contrast, I got a very bad hair perm three weeks before my present      marriage. Did I make that a triumph? No way. You would have thought my      world was coming to an end. Even after the wedding, I was upset for      months until the frizzy hair finally grew out.
Does this make any sense on a Spiritual level? Absolutely not!      My Higher Self could care less about my hair. It's hard to believe my      Lower Self cared so much, but it did. Had I known what I know today, I      would have been in a much better position to say to myself...

Let go. Let peace. Let joy.
I think all of us should paste stickers everywhere we can see      them, that say, "What if this were all alright?" It would help      to remind us to pull ourselves out of the negativity of our Lower Self      and lift us to the freedom of our Higher Self.
So think about the many little things that cause upset in your      life. Getting a dent in your new car. Forgetting to buy something at the      supermarket. Sitting in the airport for two hours because the plane was      delayed. Rain when you had invited people over for a picnic. It's at      these times that we really need to take a step back and asked ourselves      that profound question..."What if this were all alright?" Yes,      we do what we can to change what is not working in our life, but for      those many little things we can't control, letting go, letting peace and      letting joy is the heavenly way to go.
As an exercise, I suggest you write down all of the situations      in your life that are causing you struggle and ask yourself the same      question about each situation..."What if this were all alright?"      Each time you ask this question, take a deep breath and relax. You will      experience a momentary feeling of peace. Do this over and over again      until just the asking of the question is associated with a deep breath      and a feeling of relaxation. And as you go through each day, notice where      you are trying to control everything around you. Add it to your list and      keep asking yourself the question, "What if this were all      alright?"
If you think about it, what I am talking about here is simply a      shift in focus. Why do we always look at what's missing instead of what's      there? Why do we always look at the bad, instead of the good? Why do we      always focus on the ugliness instead of the beauty? When we focus on      what's missing, or what's bad, or what's ugly, we are operating from the      level of the Lower Self. Why not rise above the Lower Self and see what      the world looks like from the Higher Self?
We can create this shift in focus in all areas of our life that      bring us upset. The truth is that blessings surround us all the time.      That shift in focus isn't a delusion. In fact...

We are deluding ourselves      when we focus on the bad!
Read that again! So when that lousy table comes up and there are      no others available, you say to yourself, "Yes the table may be      lousy, but look at all that is wonderful in this situation. How blessed I      am!" Indeed, when life is seen in this way, we are a step farther in      conquering our control addictions and there is very little that can take      away our peace of mind.
I know it takes a lot of practice to reach a "let go"      state of mind, but the one thing I can assure you is...I'll be practicing      right along with you!
From my      heart to yours,
Susan Jeffers
Copyright © 2012 Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
      Adapted from End      the Struggle and Dance with Life

Orlando

My musings after watching the film of Virginia Woolf's book

Does Woolf often use time in that manner? And the gender switch was interesting too. The irony of the rejection and rejecting interested me too and societies sexism. How funny that today the androgynous appearance is revered. Skinny women with almost boy-like figures.
I wonder if David Lynch and Peter Greenaway were inspired by Virginia Woolf? Would plays on time generally be considered experimental? I was just thinking that writing the impossible and treating it as if it's perfectly normal is quite something. So in Orlando I like the way to me that it seemed perfectly normal and acceptable and yet there was reference tot he oddness mainly to the gender change momentarily through other characters but then simply accepted .
Just some rambling ideas on what I watched. I am trying to think which other film I watched recently that dealt with issues in a similar manner - ie explicitly separating out the subject i.e. society, sex etc.

Bliss
xx

Full of sound and fury

What a week of blind obstruction moving to awareness and resulting in change and more freedom. Thank you God. Herrrr hmmm, still I feel so vulnerable using that name, God I mean, potentially to be read by others who might freak out and think I'm religious. You see I think of religious people as indoctrinators and single-minded. I hope people will see beyond all of that but know that it can deter so many very quickly. People who won't keep and open mind will have already turned off this page I suspect. Oh well I need to be true to myself but even so I feel a need to once again explain myself. God for me is not in any shape or form connected with a religion. It is a convenient word, yep capital letter included, for the enormity of the Universe and how it works as a force that is more powerful just for it's unstoppable force. It is how it is and that's life. We humans are meager even en masse. Well clearly I do not yet know how to put into words the wonderful sense of being a small cog in something so immense. I hope somehow you will have your own understanding.
This week or actaully two has involved me being in raging fury. It has worked into it's frenzy gradually in the early few days then once it had escalated in me it's been refuelling itself. All I say is in hindsight now. perhaps I should have written more often whilst in the midst of it all so that there was a view of what it was like from the inside. I will do my best as now I feel filled with love and a peace and it's not quite as easy already to write about the intensity with the fullest dynamism.
It revolves around the new boss. Well lets have a little lashing out here as I condescendingly point out not so much boss but merely (that's the vicious bit) team leader. You see if I'd been discussing PD he was most definitely the boss in the very best of that meaning. This one, LK has the title of team leader and thus far I do not see her as anything more than that in title. Oh yes it's still there alive and kicking, the anger. But it's more at a level of disappointment.
A number of events started fuelling my rage, which I feel certain is driven by fear but I haven't quite got in touch with the fear, maybe I will as I write here. A monetary break for a sip of peppermint with liquorice tea. Mmmmm Teapigs as well as a French Menth/Reglisse version. I'm not sure you see that I can recall each event but I will write those that are clearly in my memory. One involved a hospital appointment. It meant that I would be late arriving for work, in fact not until lunchtime. i suggested to the team leader in the capapcity of knowing the office (rather than the controlling versio that I now see) that she would be well advised to get some cover for the morning. She turned to me and suggested that actually I do the late shift then whe needn't get cover as she knows she needs to be aware of expenditure and budgets. I saw red!! I said I would not wish t do that as after having been through various procedures in the gynaecological depratment I would be struggling to return to work let alone work until late. At which point she sniped at me with the comment "well I will need to see a doctor's letter to verify your appointment". To be honest I'm not sure what her exact words were but that was the essence and I heard it said in a very accuational and venomous manner. I replied saying that I was offended and that I am entitled to hospital appointments without hassle. She backed down slightly saying that she didn't know the procedure here and so would have to check it out with NL, clinical manager. The fury started. I guess in rality I was already feeing vulnerable with the whole idea of the appointment. I also felt afraid (here's some of the fear) that suddenly tings that have been accommodated without any issue were going to start being issues, issues that would somehow make everything much harder and steal my freedom and security. Some of this is linked with finances for instance if we now had to start taking appointments at our own cost it would make things even harder for me to go to the docs. For some reason I struggle with this degree of self-care. Lots of vulnerabilities I think were immediately fed into. Not least the difficulty I have working for an outfit that have no concern for employees well-being, or rather little, unlike HR who i realise now were truly investing in people, even if it was because they felt they had to. Competitive staff markets can drive that and also I would like to beleive and investment in people to treat other humanely and encourgae development. Something tthat I don't think I've really experienced or appreciated fully from a little girl and yet can take for granted when I have it. So you see already LK is not PD. Whether he liked it or not he never "turned his nose up" at anything for SH or myself. He was a little more resentful about this sort of thing with AW and I think this links with her resistance to working as a team member. She doesn't want to do many of the things that we generally muck in with to keep everything going. So I understand the resentment as I felt it too. Why should people get the same when they don't put the same in (this is all underlying anger with injustice).
Then there have been several daily working issues that we as a team having been trying to convey as the way we have agreed to do things. LK has argued against them, not hearing us. I think on reflection what I was expecting is that she would come in and frstly do things our way. Discover through experience what works and what doesn't and gradually implement new ideas through discussion and openness. But the fear (there it is) is that she is arguing against that, in a backhanded way criticising our way and telling us to do it differently - straight away. So there she is saying on the one hand I don't want to change anything, it's a great programme you have here and you are a great team", but actually doing something completely the opposite. I hadn't been aware of this until just writing it now. So with each little situation I have become more and more frustrated, not feeling heard at all and overridden. The frustration has been devloping into fury and the fury has been exhuating me causing resentment and fuelling the ever growing fury.
So then it starts to become personal. I can't abide the way she completely goes off track. On one occassion we were processing the previosu group as a team and as we always do. One of the clients had breeched the boundaries and this was not the first time. We felt as a team that we needed to escalate this, more than processing in the group and that there needed to be consequences. This is something agreed between the team and not taken lightly. LK disagreed and started talking about all the things the client needed to be working on. Both SH and I looked at each other incredulously. We know that and yes sure everyone beings new ideas to what a client needs to work on and how. Even writing the the word "needs" seem presumptious. How the hell and who are we to try to determine what the client needs to work on. I get very uncomfortable when colleagues start diagnosing or saying "what they mean by that really is ..." How do we know anything of what the client means, needs, knows unless we have that open communication with them? Anyway SH thankfully said what does that have to do with the fact that boundaries are being breeched and what are the consequences for that? I backed her up as I totally agreed with her. So on a back foot LK complied with our wishes, even though she clearly didn't agree but had not valid argument, only through deflection. I get that though. I mean knowing that I think one way but not being able to back up my argument. I would like to be able to practice saying it ust doesn't feel right to me but as yet I'm not sure why.
Anyhow I thought of her as stupid, really harsh I know but this is how my rage becomes. It's demeaning and cruel which in turn feeds the fury. I witnessed myself bad-mouthing her to a couple of colleagues in another department. I wanted to keep my mouth closed but I just couldn't. The first comment would have been OK but I went on. And then on some more, making sure they knew just how awful things were for me because of her. Puh! Ugly. I knew I didn't feel good about this immediately but didn't know at that time how to do anything about it. Furthermore, their positive comments about her and their negative comments about PD infuriated me even more. I thought "bully for you that she's a breath of fresh air" and was also feelling really angry that they bad-mouthed PD, again! How flipping dare they, they had no idea how good he was and could only see his bullish manner (and actually intolerance of their inefficient and rude attitude, which I agreed with him on but had never found a way to express. PD just never found a subtle way to express himself - at least everyone knew where they stood). Funnily enough as I am writing this I am seeing something that is not quite forming for me. Other people's attitude and the way in which it manifests, all driven by unspoken thoughts and often a lack of awareness of coinciding emotions. I know it, I just forget to step back and invite God into to show me how, what, when.
So there I was stomping about the hospital bad-mouthing here and there, just subtly at times. Little hints at how exhausted I was battling to keep the office together. Grumble, grumble, grumble. And getting more annoyed if people seemed to be nice to her. That even sounds familiar with my dad. I would be furious with the person that was pleasant to him screaming inside "you don't know what he's really like!!!!".
I was aware that I didn't like myself but just didn't know how to stop myself. LK and I had a blow of a situation when talking about staffing needs. It was really SH that insitigated the conversation and when LK fired back at her, I stepped in. I see how drained and angry SH is and I am afraid (there it is again) that she will leave. I don't want to be left by SH. Somehow with PD I feel more secure that he will be around anyway and that I haven't lost him forever. But with SH she is very independant. She has said that she doesn't come to work to make friends she has enough. But I really like her company and like her style. I perform best with SH. I feel safe with her in group. She always knows where she's going. I feel less safe with PD and AW and know that's my attitude to their ways of therapy. I think we all feel safest with SH, well it's what I observe. She is genuine and warm with clients, challenging but in a way that she doesn't generate resistance, often anyway. Only the addic icks out against her not the person themselves. Whereas I can still cause the person to resist me. And PD too. AW can seem very angry in group at times. Actually I'm not quite sure how to describe how she is in group and there are times when she makes spot on observations. I have learnt from SH to not learnt differences in style be away to become split. I want to work with her to keep learning and growing as a therapist. Selfish? It's rare to work with people that can really show me the way. I work with a lot of people that cause me flounder and that's life I guess as it's a common experience for me.
So anyway I have a lot of fear about SH leaving and so find myself backing up things I'm not sure I truly believe in but will argue on SH's side. I notice SH steps back whenever it's not soething she fully supports. So I argued about staffing levels when actually I didn't fully beleive we needed more. But I know SH was even more frazzled than me so I jumped int here and made it my arguemtn. I became raging with fury as she just wasn't listening. When I said this to my sponsor in my daily morning phone call my sponsor suggested that if I wanted to be heard I needed to listen. Oh yes of course, but could I apply this no, no, no. Not until yesterday actually, when once again we were discussing but more like arguing completely opposing views about what consequences should be applied if someone repeatedly relapses. LK's argument was that this is a relapsing illness but as AM pointed out yes it is but it's not a using programme. Loved it! Anyway the point of change in me here is that I actually heard her say "yes you both have your view on this but I have mine too and it's different". I heard this and I acknowledged that, saying that this is something else unresolved that would be good to discuss in supervision and find a way forward as a team. Phew! I stepped back. Thank you God. Thank you. I felt so good about this and actually putting into action the intelligence I know at an intellectual level. And I also see my utter need for control. Nothing can be different you see. If she makes changes to little things, she will change everything and overall it's a damned good programme. Plus she is going against her world. She IS wanting to change things. It's not to say that there will be good things introduced BUT it's against her word and making changes before she fully knows what is so good about the programme. I don't want to lose everything that is so valued, reputation included.
Fear! My reputation is included in the success but can equally be a part of a disaster. Inside this does not need to matter. Practice caring not to care, another pearl from my sponsor.
Thank goodness for FA and the disciplines I follow - quiet time, daily calls to my sponsor, daily readings, weighing and meauring my food, calling out to other FAers. And most importanly for my growing relationship with God. Throughout all of this, this self-hatred for the fish-wife appearance of my rage, the rage itself, I have not over or uner eaten. I have stuck with my food plan and as of yesterday I had lost another 7 pounds since my last weigh-in on 30 January. This is a way of life for me now. A commitment. No flour and sugar, weighing and measuring and following the suggestions just gives me freedom and a confidence that I have so much more space to continue developing as a person to be the person I would olike to be - and more than that too, I now believe, as I cannot see beyond my linits of knowledge from previosu experience. But I do have an inner soul knowledge that there's more. I have faith. Even though I forget to turn to faith and God in every situation, I am practicing more and more to do this.
And because of this I had a little breakthrough on Tuesday evening. I had had supervision as both a team and then individually. How I value supervision. I talked through my rage. PT kindly reminded me he was aware that eh could slip into therpay and this was clinical supervision. He is setting boundaries with me, I can feel them and I appreciated his honesty the other day with acknowledging that he likes me and so can swayed into a sort of collusion with me, this was referring to my case study, but I think I have sensed it slightly in other situations too. I respect his boundaries and feel them. So I enjoyed anyway expressing myself and also my realisations. I was very hectic afterwards, 1:1, brief meeting with a client, dinner, Aftercare. During my dinner break the opportunity presented itself that I had been praying for. CJ one of the nurses was also eating his supper. He made comment on LK's responsiveness to child safety in connection with one of our clients. I seized my oportunity to say only good things about her. And then I went into the office and told her about CJ's complimentary comments about her vigilence. Then even better, I knew that I did not need to speak a sorry to her unless as my sponsor pointed out to me I am making changes in my attitude and behaviour. Of course I hadbeen finding this difficult but with God's help this altered as soon as paid her a compliment. I did by the way say that I appreciated her vigilence too around this matter, never really knowing before how to approach this matters when feeling concerned.  So on the way to work as the love was beginning to re-enter my soul, I decided I would buy her some flowers. Just a little bunch of purple tulips. I arranged them with care, enjoying getting all the stems in a pattern as importably as how the flower itself looked. She said she truly appreciated this. I hadn't known what I was going to ay and wondered too if SH and AW would think I was being a traitor. However, I meant it and the words flowed easily. I said it was just a little token to acknowledge how difficult this was for her just as much as it was for me and that it wasn't personal. I said that I really appreciated what AW had said in supervision, reiterating the fact that she was new and we were all in a state of flux. Well in so mnay words she said this, this is my own version of the actual situation. And I continued to say the same to LK when we were in together yesterday morning before AW arrived. I said that it's going to be a bumpy path but that we will get there. I'm not sure if she heard me (she's deaf too, and wears hearing aids - I think sometimes she chooses not the hear mind you). As I was leaving last evening she once again said she really valued the gesture and said she would leave the tulips on her desk until the weekend when she would take them home. The rage in me thinks she wants the others to see because if she can break through me she might be able to get through to the others too.
I realise I'm not so flexible when things are being desconstructed. Intellectually I know that a deconstruction might bring more that is good. But I'm terrified that it will deconstruct what is good and be replaced with shoddiness. I don't see much yet that gives me faith that she is overall good. Can she make things work? Her fixation on the child protection seems as if she's hanging onto something she feels safe within and the rest she's uncertain about. I fear that she will want to be an "Addictions unit" pure and simple yet we do so much more than that. I noticed i group how she kept things at a very superficial level, but the clients were expressing fears about relapse so it was bearable. I was critical and I can do that with other therapists. Because I want to be more psychodynamic not just an addictions therapist. Well differences of styles are good for the group. If we all did it one way there would be less dynamics in our programme. How wonderful to be able to write about going with the flow. Now I would like with your help God to flow with the flow.


One thing I would like to write about here is the part a conversation with my dad last Tuesday will haev played in my escalating anger. Having been to the hospital on Tuesday morning, where they prodded and pulled at the very heart of my femininity, painfully, I decided to call my dad en route to work. It was a longer jounrey that normal as I was at QA hospital, Portsmouth. I was very tearful actually, wanting my mum. Wanting to be held in my tearfulness and feeling violated in some way even though I knew they were just trying to help. They had performed a little operation tehre and then, removing a polyp. This she said was the cause of the bleeding, but I've been bleeding ever since. I hope she's right and that it's just been the gradual healing of the removal of the polyp. The pain in my pelvic region seems to be consistent, if not worse at times. I hopet he scan on 13th March reveals an explanation for that and it's not complex or corrosion causing. Before I called him I realised I wanted binge foods. A great bif bag of stuff and lie on the settee chomping through sugar and flour products watching endless films or TV rubbish. Remembering what was said to me during a phone call with an FA person; what is it your actually wanting from the desire for a particular food?, well in this case it was comfort; to feel snug and warm and comforted, hugged and held. I recognised this and even though I had to go to work knew that I could organise that when I got home and started looking forward to curling up on the sofa in my big red comfort jumper and watch a film, all cosily. IN the meantime I needed to get through work, which was challenging to say the least. I kept feeling tearful and of course this added to my resentment fuelling my rage, stomping about telling people how affronted I was with her comment about the note. Anyhow, I couldn't get a hold of my dad. So afer work I called him again to say Happy Birthday - 84 years old. Blimey. He thanked me for his card and so I made a remark about him liking Spike Milligan, t which he cut me down and disparaged him. I felt hurt. I tried again saying how I remember watching him laugh when I was a little girl and laughing with him not knowing why. I mentioned my truth in that I'd been to QA, sadly a reglar haunt for him and his wife. Then someone called out and he said he had to go but ould call soon. He didn't though. Being vulnerable with  him for instance telling him really what's going on for me. And the insanity is expecting him to be diffrent. And then the hurt that my rights haven't been met. Huh! Rights? No acceptance at all of him as him. But as always I absorb this inwardly, almost clamly but in a sinister way and then WHAM! Which int he past has manifested itself through wild partying, drikning, drugging, sexually acting out and either anorexia or overeating. It wasn't like that to being with but gradually built up to be exactly that regularly. But that's how this addiction escalates. Not one of them was enough on their own in the end or only some of the time. A poly addict!
Today it's so different. I talk about these thigns with my sponsor and other FA'ers. I can also talk about this at meetings now as I've achieved my 90 days. I can write here in my blog, whether anyone reads it or not is of no matter. I write because it's gorwth and clarity for me. It's eventual clarity sometimes as in the midst of things it is difficult to see the wood for the trees. But writing, talking, sharing, not acting out, asking for God's help this all contributes to picking my way through the trees and back to the path. This is enlightenment. Not all at once even though that's what I think I need. Oh no, this is enlightenment through experience, contemplation in quiet time and mulling over ideas with people who have also experienced life's tapestry, insane thinking an all.


Thank you God.
And you know what? As God's love started filling me it occurred to me yesterday to call my dad and tell him I love him. And so I did. A little clumsily admittedly. There was a lot of fumbling on his part and off he went in a flurried click of the phone line. He called me back - angrily because he couldm't get hold of me. I explained I was at a meeting to which he again fumbled about with " oh oh one of oh". He cannot or will not accept anything to dow ith me being an addict. And he then muttered about meeting up and hurting his back again. I said look I am off next week so can drive down to Hayling and meet you somewhere there as he had aid in a recent call that he prefers to meet me on his own. Good that suits me better too as clearly his wife doesn't want to have anything at all to do with me and I feel the same. She strikes me as very angry indeed and quite nasty but I don't really know. So he will call he says and arrange a day after I've submitted my essay. Which I need to start working on now.


Thank you for reading if you've got his far ....


Bliss
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